Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? How to respond

117 replies

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:25

Hello all, I shall attempt to keep this brief.
Been with my partner 7 years. Found out he had cheated from the start of our relationship, upto 8 months. Several women. Initiated by him. Obviously we have now been together years and have a child, I stayed. However I'm a nervous wreck. He takes no responsibility and has said the fact this is still on my mind is a sign of mental illness and anxiety.
Anyway, other issue in our relationship is that I feel I'm here for sex/housework and child rearing but if he wants enjoyment, he'd rather his friends etc. I've said we haven't had a holiday together in 5 years or a night out together in 4.

He always makes an excuse as to why we can't go away but they are definitely excuses. He causally mentioned the other day that his old female friend had been messaging him (regularly) and said they should go away on holiday together. My partner said he asked about her husband but she said he wasn't interested and they should go the 2 of them. This is a friend he studied with 35 years ago, so known her years but she loves abroad and he very hardly sees her. I do believe they message though.
Initially I let it was over me. This is where I want to know if I'm unreasonable- it's been on my mind since. Since I discovered he cheated I'm a mess (I keep it to myself) and overthink.
So now all ok thinking is about the fact he has cheated in the past, doing nothing to take responsibility, he doesn't want to go away with me but he's messaging another woman behind my back discussing holidays (it's how it feels to me).
I explained this to him and he said this is all my anxiety, I need help etc. Again, as he has not taken any responsibility or in any way acknowledged my feelings, I feel crap and I don't want to be around him.
Today he's messaging me saying he's ill, stressed, got high blood pressure and it's all my fault for making him ill and I'm very hard work to live with. I don't know how to respond. I get nowhere with any conversation, he puts the blame of everything onto me and I'm fed up of it. He has no idea how I feel having been cheated on. Not only that but the woman he's discussing holidays with is someone he was probably Facebook stalking, apong with his ex (their names were in his search history- I did NOT look at this, he was asking me to help him search for something on FB). I feel utterly crap.

OP posts:
duvetcovereddissident · 09/05/2023 12:11

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:54

It's rented. Both names on tenancy and I can't afford it alone.

I'm staying because I love him (well the idea of him). I want a family, I'm desperate for him to love me and I feel worthless.

well, so the problem is how do you leave and find somewhere alone, isnt it. That is the actual question. I cant think of another one. Or make him leave and pay the rent alone. Where were you before you shared with him?

TUCKINGFYP0 · 09/05/2023 12:14

So you are not married, you don’t own a house togther and he’s a shit partner and father.

Ask your landlord if they have a smaller / cheaper property for you and your child to move into.

Move out. Apply for any benefits you are entitled to.

Let him see his kid EOW and one night a week. Apply for child maintenance to CMS.

No it won’t be easy . But it will be a hell of a lot easier than trying to force someone like to him to love and respect you.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 09/05/2023 12:18

Oh lovely, while you're staying waiting for some gaslighting imbecile to love you (who never will) you're ruining any chance of meeting someone who will love you. You're also teaching your child all the wrong things about relationships - either to be a bully or to accept a shit life from their partner.

Stand up for yourself, walk away, be happy by yourself until you meet someone better, and show your child how it should be!!

TedMullins · 09/05/2023 12:58

This isn't about him having a female friend - that's the least of your worries. This is about him being a gaslighting, stonewalling, cheating, lying, emotionally abusive twat. He's treating you with about as much respect as he'd show a dog turd. Sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't love you and if he did he wouldn't behave like this. You're not doing anything wrong by expecting a face to face discussion about how you feel, but you're flogging a dead horse - he'll never give you what you deserve and need. You're setting a terrible example to your child that this is what relationships are like. The absolute best thing you could do for your self worth is leave this tosser.

Bonbon21 · 09/05/2023 13:04

In his eyes you are worthless.
And you will have mental health issues in the future... because of him.. because you 'choose' to stay in this so-called relationship.
And you are teaching your child that this is acceptable.. that this is how adult relationships work.

He does not love you.
He does not respect you.

You are a childminder, housekeeper and easy sex.

Can you not see that you are worth more than this?
This is not going to get better.
Not for you.
Not for your child.
Accommodation, money etc... that can all get sorted out... yes it will be tough... but you will have peace and self-respect.

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 13:07

I don't know whats wrong with me. I have been through so much in this relationship. Today I'm struggling, I'm tearful, I feel sick, I'm having stomach pains. I know it's ridiculous. I think what is most frustrating is that issues never get a resolution as I'm not even heard. I know there is no point in replying to his message because I won't get any response other than an attack on my personality or mental health. I feel defeated and deflated that he cares so little about me. Worse still, he plays the victim.

OP posts:
TuesandThursNero · 09/05/2023 13:16

Do you work? Friends? Family?

TidyHomeTidyMind · 09/05/2023 13:23

Just stop it now. You are going around in circles and tying yourself in knots for a man that couldn't give less of a shit about you if ge tried.
HE WOULD RATHER GO ON HOLIDAY WITH HIS SHAG PIECE THAN TAKE YOU AND YOUR CHILD AWAY.
Let that sink in for a minute......
You are letting your child miss out so he can go and shag another woman, that is exactly why he wants to go away with her alone!
Only you can do something about this, sitting at home crying and feeling sick is not improving your situation.
Start checking if you could get a council property in your area relatively quickly, go on the online calculator and check if you are eligible for any benefits, work out how much maintenance he would have to pay for his child. It is unlikely you would be worse off alone.
You are not in the wrong but you do come across as a door mat and a bit of a mug, sorry.

Softoprider · 09/05/2023 13:25

OP Just get shut of it

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 13:33

Just to clarify; I do know I'm anidiot but he isn't actually planning a holiday with his side piece. She's an old friend, they studied together. He's not seen her in the whole 7 years of our relationship and not for a long time before that. She lives abroad with her husband and child.
He didn't actually say he was going on holiday with her. Just that she had been messaging him discussing going away just the 2 of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 13:33

And I think someone else asked about an age gap. Yes, he is older than me.

OP posts:
Softoprider · 09/05/2023 13:38

Whatever. Still get shut of it

Bonbon21 · 09/05/2023 13:39

This isn't actually about whether he goes on holiday with his female friend or not.. can you not see that?

He is treating you like dirt.
And you seem to think that if you have a conversation with him everything will be alright... everything will somehow be fixed.. and rosy and perfect...

OMG.

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 13:43

I know it's about so much more. I really do.
I know I'm falsely holding onto the hope that he stays with me and one day lives me.

Do you know what one of the saddest things is (and I can't believe I'm admitting it)... He's 54 and I'm 35. I'm just hoping that in another 10 years or so, he'll be at an age where he won't cheat on me (he'll struggle to find interested 30 year olds by then). I also just hope when he's in his 60's he may just feel grateful for me. I despise myself for feeling this way. I know it's pathetic. I'm in my 30s, amazing child, lovely family and I hope that one day my partner will get to an age where he won't cheat and be grateful.

OP posts:
gwenneh · 09/05/2023 13:46

He's 54 and I'm 35. I'm just hoping that in another 10 years or so, he'll be at an age where he won't cheat on me (he'll struggle to find interested 30 year olds by then). I also just hope when he's in his 60's he may just feel grateful for me.

Neither of these things are going to happen.

PousseyNotMoira · 09/05/2023 13:55

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 13:43

I know it's about so much more. I really do.
I know I'm falsely holding onto the hope that he stays with me and one day lives me.

Do you know what one of the saddest things is (and I can't believe I'm admitting it)... He's 54 and I'm 35. I'm just hoping that in another 10 years or so, he'll be at an age where he won't cheat on me (he'll struggle to find interested 30 year olds by then). I also just hope when he's in his 60's he may just feel grateful for me. I despise myself for feeling this way. I know it's pathetic. I'm in my 30s, amazing child, lovely family and I hope that one day my partner will get to an age where he won't cheat and be grateful.

Jesus Christ.

Provenza · 09/05/2023 14:14

OP - please save this thread and come back to it every now and again. You don’t sound nowhere near ready to leave him, but my hope is - one day you will.
Facts:
He’s not going to start loving you and respecting you. Ever.
He’s not going to change NO MATTER HOW MUCH EFFORT YOU PUT IN TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
You are wasting your time.

I’d strongly recommend that you access therapy to work on your self esteem.
You deserve better.

OrbandSpectacle · 09/05/2023 14:14

gwenneh · 09/05/2023 13:46

He's 54 and I'm 35. I'm just hoping that in another 10 years or so, he'll be at an age where he won't cheat on me (he'll struggle to find interested 30 year olds by then). I also just hope when he's in his 60's he may just feel grateful for me.

Neither of these things are going to happen.

You will become his carer as he ages.

TuesandThursNero · 09/05/2023 14:14

Op he’s wealthy… correct?

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:24

No, not wealthy. Has some family money but no impact on our lives. Has a decent job but obviously we don't have a lavish lifestyle.

OP posts:
TuesandThursNero · 09/05/2023 14:26

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:24

No, not wealthy. Has some family money but no impact on our lives. Has a decent job but obviously we don't have a lavish lifestyle.

Do you work?

Family?
Friends?

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:30

I do work, yes. Part time due to childcare. I have friends (all busy with family). My family are some distance away.

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 09/05/2023 14:43

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 13:43

I know it's about so much more. I really do.
I know I'm falsely holding onto the hope that he stays with me and one day lives me.

Do you know what one of the saddest things is (and I can't believe I'm admitting it)... He's 54 and I'm 35. I'm just hoping that in another 10 years or so, he'll be at an age where he won't cheat on me (he'll struggle to find interested 30 year olds by then). I also just hope when he's in his 60's he may just feel grateful for me. I despise myself for feeling this way. I know it's pathetic. I'm in my 30s, amazing child, lovely family and I hope that one day my partner will get to an age where he won't cheat and be grateful.

Er I have an amazing, talented, clever and independently wealthy friend who's 41 and she's with a 70 year old ( who imo isnt half as amazing, clever etc as she is ) They are very happy. So I think you will be waiting a long time for that. Good luck with it all but yeah, I think you are going to have a very shit life.

bobbyboo43 · 09/05/2023 14:43

You really want your life to pass you by while you wait around for your partner to become too old to cheat on you? Really?

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:46

@bobbyboo43 apparently so. I honestly know how pathetic it is. He's already complaining daily about his health (he's lazy, doesn't do anything to help me, drinks too much).

OP posts: