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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? How to respond

117 replies

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:25

Hello all, I shall attempt to keep this brief.
Been with my partner 7 years. Found out he had cheated from the start of our relationship, upto 8 months. Several women. Initiated by him. Obviously we have now been together years and have a child, I stayed. However I'm a nervous wreck. He takes no responsibility and has said the fact this is still on my mind is a sign of mental illness and anxiety.
Anyway, other issue in our relationship is that I feel I'm here for sex/housework and child rearing but if he wants enjoyment, he'd rather his friends etc. I've said we haven't had a holiday together in 5 years or a night out together in 4.

He always makes an excuse as to why we can't go away but they are definitely excuses. He causally mentioned the other day that his old female friend had been messaging him (regularly) and said they should go away on holiday together. My partner said he asked about her husband but she said he wasn't interested and they should go the 2 of them. This is a friend he studied with 35 years ago, so known her years but she loves abroad and he very hardly sees her. I do believe they message though.
Initially I let it was over me. This is where I want to know if I'm unreasonable- it's been on my mind since. Since I discovered he cheated I'm a mess (I keep it to myself) and overthink.
So now all ok thinking is about the fact he has cheated in the past, doing nothing to take responsibility, he doesn't want to go away with me but he's messaging another woman behind my back discussing holidays (it's how it feels to me).
I explained this to him and he said this is all my anxiety, I need help etc. Again, as he has not taken any responsibility or in any way acknowledged my feelings, I feel crap and I don't want to be around him.
Today he's messaging me saying he's ill, stressed, got high blood pressure and it's all my fault for making him ill and I'm very hard work to live with. I don't know how to respond. I get nowhere with any conversation, he puts the blame of everything onto me and I'm fed up of it. He has no idea how I feel having been cheated on. Not only that but the woman he's discussing holidays with is someone he was probably Facebook stalking, apong with his ex (their names were in his search history- I did NOT look at this, he was asking me to help him search for something on FB). I feel utterly crap.

OP posts:
TuesandThursNero · 09/05/2023 14:47

Op it’s a bit pathetic tbh

Meanwhile a child grows up in this toxic environment

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:48

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 09/05/2023 14:43

Er I have an amazing, talented, clever and independently wealthy friend who's 41 and she's with a 70 year old ( who imo isnt half as amazing, clever etc as she is ) They are very happy. So I think you will be waiting a long time for that. Good luck with it all but yeah, I think you are going to have a very shit life.

Show quote history

I'm not suggesting that all older men/women should be grateful/stay faithful as they are older. It's just my HOPE that as he gets older he may be thankful and realise that there is no point in cheating. He's already complaining about his gout, high blood pressure and joint pain (constantly).

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 09/05/2023 14:48

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:46

@bobbyboo43 apparently so. I honestly know how pathetic it is. He's already complaining daily about his health (he's lazy, doesn't do anything to help me, drinks too much).

What do you want from us, today? You know what you need to do, but you’re not going to do it. So, what is it you’re hoping we’ll say?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 09/05/2023 14:53

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:48

I'm not suggesting that all older men/women should be grateful/stay faithful as they are older. It's just my HOPE that as he gets older he may be thankful and realise that there is no point in cheating. He's already complaining about his gout, high blood pressure and joint pain (constantly).

Show quote history

That wasn't what I was saying. You said the older he gets the more likely that younger women won't find him attractive. They will. He cheats on you because he wants to and he knows you will forever be his doormat. You are going to have to learn to suck up whatever he throws at you so your child is less likely to grow up fucked up. You plaster a convincing smile on your face and get on with it.

thaisweetchill · 09/05/2023 14:58

OP, read everything you have wrote and put yourself in someone else shoes and realise the abuse he's put you through. I don't know you but you sound a shell of a person.

I understand you have a child together but do you want them to witness this as a normal relationship? If it's a no, please start getting ready to leave. He will guilt trip you like he has been but you need to put yourself first and get out of there. Imagine yourself in a few years time if you stay, he will have battered you down even further.

Dozycuntlaters · 09/05/2023 15:07

Oh OP this is so sad to read. Do you not think your life is worth more than this. Waiting for some overgrown man child to love you, rolling over and letting him treat you like utter shit just to maintain the peace. You are doing yourself a massive disservice by staying and more importantly, you are doing your child a massive disservice too. What lesson is he going to learn regarding relationships because this is what he will learn from.

You are so young, the world is your oyster. What are you waiting for - for him to get into his 70's and then when you should be out enjoying yourself you will become his carer. Is that what you really want? Seriously, grow a backbone and leave him, he sounds utterly utterly vile. You don't stay because you love him, you stay because you're scared and that's ok. But honestly, there is a much better world out there for you and your kid, just be brave and make that step.

bobbyboo43 · 09/05/2023 15:13

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:46

@bobbyboo43 apparently so. I honestly know how pathetic it is. He's already complaining daily about his health (he's lazy, doesn't do anything to help me, drinks too much).

You say it's pathetic. You say you're unhappy. You say you know it's wrong. So why are you putting up with it? Honestly there is so much more to life!!!!

A few weeks or upset and being unsettled for the rest of your life free of this creep. I get that it's not easy, I really do. We've probably all stayed in bad relationships longer than we should have because it's painful and scary to make a change. But trust me this is no life for you or your child. Find your strength and get rid of this utter wanker. You are worth so much more, and if you can't do it for yourself then do it so your child gets to grow up in a happy healthy home not witnessing it's mother being abused and cheated on.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 09/05/2023 15:15

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/05/2023 12:01

You are choosing to stay in this effed up "relationship" ?!! WOW
Then why complain and question? Youll lap up every lie, nonsense he throws at you.
He wont chnage
You wont change
Now you want strangers to give you a magical solution? Mind Boggling

Yep. In another 10 years when he's still cheating she'll still he hoping he'll change. Meanwhile she's wasting her life, it's so sad. All in desperation to have a man.

supercali77 · 09/05/2023 15:20

Why do you love him? What qualities are loveable? Be brutally honest about him. Is it actually that you love this person and all his qualities, or that your self esteem is so low that you need him to love you back so you don't feel so shit about yourself?

LiliLil · 09/05/2023 15:27

Why don’t you want to be with someone who loves you and treats you with respect?

LadyDanburysHat · 09/05/2023 15:34

This guy has done a real number on you OP. That you feel so worthless that the piece of crap that he is, is all you deserve.

I honestly exclaimed out loud when I saw your ages. He has you right where he wants you, feeling it is all your fault. Having no confidence.

You are right that you are just the maid, kept in your place at home. While he goes off and shags whoever he wants.

Please. please at least for the sake of your child, get some self respect and leave.

unsync · 09/05/2023 16:16

Do you understand that he is abusing you? He will give you just enough to make you stay as its convenient to have you do all the drudge. The rest of the time he will be lying to, and manipulating you. He will tell you that you are ill, or mad, or imagining things, or whatever suits him to keep you in line

Don't do it, it's a miserable life and it never gets better. It only gets worse. I did it for over 25 years

Frith2013 · 09/05/2023 16:18

This is your LIFE, OP?

Is this all you want?

Naunet · 09/05/2023 16:47

Good god, he’s a toxic, lazy, disrespectful entitled creep who is old enough to be your dad and is probably counting on using you as a free carer as he gets older. Why aren’t you running for the hills? What keeps you so desperately tied for him? How do you think he’d react if you were talking to some guy and telling him about a potential holiday you might take with him etc?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/05/2023 16:50

@NotAnotherBathBomb I guess you are right. I really hope the she listens to PP and leave the POS

Allthecheeseplease · 09/05/2023 17:03

@Teacupsandtea

You poor thing. The amount of unnecessary cruelty on this post is baffling. From a third party perspective it seems that you are in an emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship. Yo ufeel wortless because yo uhave made to feel so but you are not "pathetic" as some poster said. You're not able to think striaght because he gaslights you. You are not 'mentally ill' if you are still thinking about the cheating . He wants it brushed over because he is a coward who doesn't want to face consequences. Maybe give Women's Aid a ring. You may think that they have more important things to deal with but that's because he has taught you to minimise his bullshit. Also if you have friend you can confide in then do.

As for his trip abroad with an old friend, it could be 100% above board but I seriously doubt it.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 09/05/2023 17:16

Please stop wasting your time with this man who doesn't give two shits about you!

bunnieboo91 · 09/05/2023 17:34

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:54

It's rented. Both names on tenancy and I can't afford it alone.

I'm staying because I love him (well the idea of him). I want a family, I'm desperate for him to love me and I feel worthless.

Sometimes you need to think about your own happiness. He's clearly cheating on you now. We know you love him but he's taking you for a ride and treating you like utter rubbish. You will never be fully satisfied in this relationship because you will always be questioning everything he does and says. This relationship will not work out from what you tell us.

Save yourself the heartache and mistreatment and escape before you waste your life with this guy.

bunnieboo91 · 09/05/2023 17:38

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 13:43

I know it's about so much more. I really do.
I know I'm falsely holding onto the hope that he stays with me and one day lives me.

Do you know what one of the saddest things is (and I can't believe I'm admitting it)... He's 54 and I'm 35. I'm just hoping that in another 10 years or so, he'll be at an age where he won't cheat on me (he'll struggle to find interested 30 year olds by then). I also just hope when he's in his 60's he may just feel grateful for me. I despise myself for feeling this way. I know it's pathetic. I'm in my 30s, amazing child, lovely family and I hope that one day my partner will get to an age where he won't cheat and be grateful.

I feel like we can all clearly tell you he isn't right for you and give you all the reasons but you will still stay with him :(

Don't waste your life hoping he will change. He's 54, you can't teach an old dog new tricks!

kingtamponthefurred · 09/05/2023 17:46

Having a female friend would be fine if he were trustworthy but he clearly is not, and even if he were, this sounds like an abusive relationship. Please don't waste your life waiting for it to improve.

XBealtaine · 09/05/2023 17:48

You are pushing water uphill here
You are clinging on because you hope that he may treat you better in the future 😐
He wont.
Some men get grumpier as they get older so I don't know what this plan is based on.
I left a man who treated me like shit and I'm very glad I did. I was 37.

Now I have my own job, savings, pension, secure place to live, friends, I passed my driving test (he used to mock me for having failed it a few times).

I know you have posted a million times but I won't berate you for it. Take a deeeeeeeep breath and go to a women's shelter.
Sort your life out a bit at a time.
You have youth and health.
Don't sacrifice your life to this asshole's convenience.

In the meantime, who cares if he cheats, he"s a piece of sh1t and you will move on
.
Have you any money?
In one way, having nothing is less complicated. Nothing to lose. I would go to a women's refuge and start again. One day at a time. Build a life.

strawberry2017 · 09/05/2023 17:53

If your child came to you and told you this was happening to them what would you say?
No it's not appropriate to go on holiday with a friend in this situation. You know this, you don't need us to tell you this.
You know what you have to do. X

user40643 · 10/05/2023 05:47

Classic abuse.

Reminds me of my ex. You won't be able to see it as he's made you believe what he's saying.

Please leave OP.

lilaco · 10/05/2023 23:14

The part-time doctor again?! Oh good, it's been a while. Glad to see you're still with him and exposing your children to this toxic abusive environment. You need reporting to someone.

lilaco · 10/05/2023 23:22

What has my life become... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4756843-what-has-my-life-become

There's dozens of these, follow the links...

Don't bother wasting time and effort trying to help this poster, she has been name-changing and disingenuously posting for years whilst her "partner" abuses her two children. But he's an older doctor and she lurves him so it's ok, don't worry about her children. She needs banning from the internet and reporting to SS, she's abusing her own children.