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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? How to respond

117 replies

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:25

Hello all, I shall attempt to keep this brief.
Been with my partner 7 years. Found out he had cheated from the start of our relationship, upto 8 months. Several women. Initiated by him. Obviously we have now been together years and have a child, I stayed. However I'm a nervous wreck. He takes no responsibility and has said the fact this is still on my mind is a sign of mental illness and anxiety.
Anyway, other issue in our relationship is that I feel I'm here for sex/housework and child rearing but if he wants enjoyment, he'd rather his friends etc. I've said we haven't had a holiday together in 5 years or a night out together in 4.

He always makes an excuse as to why we can't go away but they are definitely excuses. He causally mentioned the other day that his old female friend had been messaging him (regularly) and said they should go away on holiday together. My partner said he asked about her husband but she said he wasn't interested and they should go the 2 of them. This is a friend he studied with 35 years ago, so known her years but she loves abroad and he very hardly sees her. I do believe they message though.
Initially I let it was over me. This is where I want to know if I'm unreasonable- it's been on my mind since. Since I discovered he cheated I'm a mess (I keep it to myself) and overthink.
So now all ok thinking is about the fact he has cheated in the past, doing nothing to take responsibility, he doesn't want to go away with me but he's messaging another woman behind my back discussing holidays (it's how it feels to me).
I explained this to him and he said this is all my anxiety, I need help etc. Again, as he has not taken any responsibility or in any way acknowledged my feelings, I feel crap and I don't want to be around him.
Today he's messaging me saying he's ill, stressed, got high blood pressure and it's all my fault for making him ill and I'm very hard work to live with. I don't know how to respond. I get nowhere with any conversation, he puts the blame of everything onto me and I'm fed up of it. He has no idea how I feel having been cheated on. Not only that but the woman he's discussing holidays with is someone he was probably Facebook stalking, apong with his ex (their names were in his search history- I did NOT look at this, he was asking me to help him search for something on FB). I feel utterly crap.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 10/05/2023 23:57

lilaco · 10/05/2023 23:22

What has my life become... www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4756843-what-has-my-life-become

There's dozens of these, follow the links...

Don't bother wasting time and effort trying to help this poster, she has been name-changing and disingenuously posting for years whilst her "partner" abuses her two children. But he's an older doctor and she lurves him so it's ok, don't worry about her children. She needs banning from the internet and reporting to SS, she's abusing her own children.

Ah, that one? But but but I love him and I can't afford the rent alone? Yep, lost cause unfortunately.

monsteramunch · 11/05/2023 00:00

OP you're the poster who is with a man who emotionally abuses your eldest child as well as you.

If him abusing your child isn't enough for you to leave, I'm not sure what will be to be honest.

Your children are being damaged by being forced to grow up in this abusive, toxic dynamic.

If you love them more than you love this arsehole, and genuinely want to put them first, then you have to end the relationship.

He holds you in utter contempt. He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

It's enough now.

Mari9999 · 11/05/2023 00:13

OP, you are sending mixed messages. He sounds like a jerk,but you continue to live with him.You have sex with him. You want to travel with him. Why exactly should he think that he has done anything that should have a lingering effect? If you were unhappy with him, you probably would still be living with him. You would probably not be having sex with him , and you would probably not want to travel with him. Those are things that you want to do in a happy marriage.

I would imagine that a good bit of what he tells you about the old friend wanting to travel with him may be more in his head than in reality. He does not sound like a man that women would be rushing to spend time.

Only you can decide if or when you are going to pull the plug on this relationship. You cannot fix this man. You can only work on fixing you. You will know that you. are fixed when you can wish him happy travels as he talks about traveling with another woman.

Just because you married a jerk does not mean that you have to stay with that jerk. If you are not financially independent that is where you need to start. If for some reason you wish to stay with him, you should get some counseling or therapy to help you adapt to your situation.

TuesandThursNero · 11/05/2023 06:02

I didn’t know the history

but I am not the least bit surprised.

This is a lost cause. I have enormous sympathy for the children.

Sorchamarie · 11/05/2023 06:45

"Your children are being damaged by being forced to grow up in this abusive, toxic dynamic".

This. Sorry OP. But what you're describing is an incredibly awful, abusive relationship and this man is going to destroy you (and threaten your children's chance of being able to have a healthy relationship themselves in the future) if you don't get away. Please be strong for them! This is what benefits are for!

englishbreakfasttee · 14/05/2023 05:14

So yet again, once people realise who you are you just disappear @Teacupsandtea ??

No response for those women trying, as they always do, to help you and your children? (As your kids are living in a toxic, abusive environment that you have provided for them and show no inclination to leave, no matter what)

No? Nothing? Oh good, plus ça change eh?? Your sons are being abused, you need intervention. What the living fuck is wrong with you??

Goodread1 · 14/05/2023 05:41

He has done a real number 😳 on you. !

No wonder you suffer from mental health issues with a fuck wit gas lightening Twat as this Prick ,
anybody being with someone who is such Arsehole as this would have same or similar issues too,

I can allmost gaurentee a lot or at least some of your mental health issues would dispear overnight if you kicked him out of your life or ditched him and this relationship.

I really urge you to address the very issue or issues from your past, that got you involved with someone like this in first place .

Goodread1 · 14/05/2023 05:43

I also think you past in some way has done a real number on you too,
I wouldn't be susprised if this goes back to your childhood in some way too
@Teacupsandtea

GuevarasBeret · 14/05/2023 06:19

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:48

I'm not suggesting that all older men/women should be grateful/stay faithful as they are older. It's just my HOPE that as he gets older he may be thankful and realise that there is no point in cheating. He's already complaining about his gout, high blood pressure and joint pain (constantly).

Show quote history

OP, this relationship really isn’t salvageable. You need to extricate yourself from it, which is when no doubt, your MH will improve.

Although you can’t leave today, end the relationship in your head today. Get yourself to the point where you can live independently, and then do it.

If you knew 8 years ago that this would be your life now, would you have swerved?

EllandRd · 14/05/2023 06:21

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:22

I wasn't trying to seek ridiculous. However when I read threads on here, the general consensus is that it's ok to have female friends and it's the woman in the relationship that's insecure. Also, sorry if I didn't make it clear, but he isn't actually going on holiday with her (I assume!). It was just the fact he had been messaging a woman behind my back and discussing holidays, when he won't go away with me (well says he will but always has a ridiculous excuse).

I've not replied to any of his messages. We live together and I find it ridiculous he won't have a face to face discussion with me. If I try he'll just say "read the message I sent you".

I'd happily have a discussion about this but as a poster said, he wants to avoid any discussion about my emotions. This is very true. He doesn't actually care about how I feel, as long as I shut up and he gets an easy life. He told me many lies with regards to the cheating and I was never bake to get a straight answer. I was always shouted at and told I was making him angry by bringing up the past and that it made me an abuser.

Saying that, I am choosing to stay in the relationship and we have a child. So I'd like to maintain the equilibrium. So what do I say in response to his messages? It's very difficult because if I state how I feel and say let's discuss fave to face, he ignores everything I say and goes on a rant about my mental health, him living horrible life with someone so insecure. So nothing gets address and I feel more rubbish.

You are choosing to stay with him just because you have a child?

More fool you.

WilkinsonM · 14/05/2023 06:35

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 14:46

@bobbyboo43 apparently so. I honestly know how pathetic it is. He's already complaining daily about his health (he's lazy, doesn't do anything to help me, drinks too much).

I wouldn't use the word pathetic but it's a huge shame and a waste of your life...

Tigofigo · 14/05/2023 07:17

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:54

It's rented. Both names on tenancy and I can't afford it alone.

I'm staying because I love him (well the idea of him). I want a family, I'm desperate for him to love me and I feel worthless.

Oh OP, I feel so so sad for you.

I really struggle to understand how you can love someone who treats you like such a piece of shit and clearly doesn't love you.

No wonder you feel worthless. But you are NOT. You are with SO much more than this man. And so is your child, who is likely to have real issues in their own relationships if they grow up around this toxic environment.

I want you to picture your child, grown up, in a relationship like yours. Where your child is you.

Would you want them to put up with being treated that way? Shouted at, told how useless they are, calling them mentally ill because they're upset they were cheated on? Even with being called an abuser themselves?

You are worth more and I really hope you realise it soon x

Tigofigo · 14/05/2023 07:20

Also I think it's only going to get worse as he gets older tbh, not better. He'll become more bitter, hateful, curmudgeonly.

SchruteShunned · 14/05/2023 08:36

@Teacupsandtea please hear this: he won't stop cheating when he's in his 60s, he'll just start looking for women in their 40s and they'll always be there.

JMSA · 14/05/2023 08:49

GET RID. IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.

Pixiedust1234 · 14/05/2023 12:42

He doesn't actually care about how I feel, as long as I shut up and he gets an easy life.

Read that over and over and over again. It's all about him. Where are you and your child? Find yourself, get singles counselling asap

ninjasnap · 14/05/2023 18:10

Yet another pointless thread from this repeat poster. No point offering advice, she won't take it. Meanwhile her children are being systematically abused by a man she is in weird thrall to whilst she enables it.

Your kids are going to be so damaged by this and will end up hating you. They deserve a better life than this.

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