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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in the wrong? How to respond

117 replies

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 10:25

Hello all, I shall attempt to keep this brief.
Been with my partner 7 years. Found out he had cheated from the start of our relationship, upto 8 months. Several women. Initiated by him. Obviously we have now been together years and have a child, I stayed. However I'm a nervous wreck. He takes no responsibility and has said the fact this is still on my mind is a sign of mental illness and anxiety.
Anyway, other issue in our relationship is that I feel I'm here for sex/housework and child rearing but if he wants enjoyment, he'd rather his friends etc. I've said we haven't had a holiday together in 5 years or a night out together in 4.

He always makes an excuse as to why we can't go away but they are definitely excuses. He causally mentioned the other day that his old female friend had been messaging him (regularly) and said they should go away on holiday together. My partner said he asked about her husband but she said he wasn't interested and they should go the 2 of them. This is a friend he studied with 35 years ago, so known her years but she loves abroad and he very hardly sees her. I do believe they message though.
Initially I let it was over me. This is where I want to know if I'm unreasonable- it's been on my mind since. Since I discovered he cheated I'm a mess (I keep it to myself) and overthink.
So now all ok thinking is about the fact he has cheated in the past, doing nothing to take responsibility, he doesn't want to go away with me but he's messaging another woman behind my back discussing holidays (it's how it feels to me).
I explained this to him and he said this is all my anxiety, I need help etc. Again, as he has not taken any responsibility or in any way acknowledged my feelings, I feel crap and I don't want to be around him.
Today he's messaging me saying he's ill, stressed, got high blood pressure and it's all my fault for making him ill and I'm very hard work to live with. I don't know how to respond. I get nowhere with any conversation, he puts the blame of everything onto me and I'm fed up of it. He has no idea how I feel having been cheated on. Not only that but the woman he's discussing holidays with is someone he was probably Facebook stalking, apong with his ex (their names were in his search history- I did NOT look at this, he was asking me to help him search for something on FB). I feel utterly crap.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 09/05/2023 11:33

If you really won't consider leaving, then you have to accept never having your feelings acknowledged or listened to. You'll just be two people who live together with a child, but you won't be partners.

The relationship is over, whether you stay or leave.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 09/05/2023 11:35

To answer your questions:

You are not wrong. How can anyone get past someone's cheating if the person thinks saying 'sorry' is all it takes for the other person to forgive and forget. That sort of long term offense takes years of intentionally showing you that you are the first person in their lives and that you have no reason to suspect them.

With him acting like you aren't even a respected friend, let alone a loved partner, how are you supposed to think he wouldn't cheat given the chance.

As to how to respond, he won't discuss it face to face, and texting is too short. Could you write him a letter? You could splurge all your feelings out on paper, burn it, start again, burn it, start again and eventually you will get what you want to say out there.

Amadeaa · 09/05/2023 11:37

You are not wrong at all! I think I’m usually one of the last persons on here who tells others to reconsider their relationship, but I think you need to seriously ask yourself why you want to stay with him. You are worth so much more. All the best 💐

TheSnowyOwl · 09/05/2023 11:38

Even without the cheating worries, it’s not a relationship. With them, it’s definitely not.

Londontoderby · 09/05/2023 11:40

If you choose to stay then more fool you. Madness lies that way, but it’s your choice and your the one who will face the consequences for it.

Good luck

Mumsanetta · 09/05/2023 11:40

I’m sorry @Teacupsandtea but the only equilibrium that can be maintained is the one you currently have because he will not change - there is absolutely no reason or incentive for him to change. Can you live like this for another 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?

A genuine question for you, why are you not prepared to leave him?

HappyMe6 · 09/05/2023 11:45

if he won’t have a conversation with you about all this madness, I’d say read the text I’ve just sent you, and I’d just write, you are the weakest link goodbye! I’d have all his stuff packed.

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:48

I struggle reading his messages because he never addresses anything, deflects, blames everything on me and makes me feel more worthless.

OP posts:
Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:48

His messages are also very rude and upset me. So I have to ignore.

OP posts:
duvetcovereddissident · 09/05/2023 11:50

But the most important question is who's home is it?

Whataretheodds · 09/05/2023 11:52

Saying that, I am choosing to stay in the relationship

Why?

bobbyboo43 · 09/05/2023 11:53

How on earth could you think you're in the wrong in this scenario? This is how much the abusive wanker has made you doubt and question yourself. Look at the facts:

  • he cheated for 8 months of your relationship.
  • he won't apologise for cheating and instead claims that you are mentally unwell for questioning it.
  • he doesn't want to do anything enjoyable with you but expects you to raise his kids, have sex when he wants and do the housework.
  • hes messaging and planning a holiday with another woman!!!!! Who in all likelihood he's planning an affair with if he isn't having one already.
  • hes gaslighting you and blaming you for all of this.

Please tell me what is so special about him that you'd put up with this unbelievable behaviour and miserable existence? I don't say it lightly but ffs LTB. What are you actually getting from the relationship? A cheating, gaslighting, demanding man child who wants to enjoy life with his mate and other women.

Sparkletastic · 09/05/2023 11:53

What are you doing OP? Where did you get the idea that this is all that you are worth?

Original poster
Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:54

It's rented. Both names on tenancy and I can't afford it alone.

I'm staying because I love him (well the idea of him). I want a family, I'm desperate for him to love me and I feel worthless.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 09/05/2023 11:57

I explained this to him and he said this is all my anxiety, I need help etc

You do need help. You need help so you can kick him out. Hes abusing you. Speak to womens aid.

TookTheBook · 09/05/2023 11:57

You are being a doormat.

He is gaslighting you by telling you that you are crazy (you're not).

Just break up. Get some higher standards.

TookTheBook · 09/05/2023 11:59

It's a desperately sad situation but you seem to be reaching the right conclusion from your last reply - you love the idea of him, the idea of family... he is not the right one to provide this and you cannot change him. It's not your job.

Teach your child what healthy boundaries look like and stop putting up with it.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/05/2023 12:01

You are choosing to stay in this effed up "relationship" ?!! WOW
Then why complain and question? Youll lap up every lie, nonsense he throws at you.
He wont chnage
You wont change
Now you want strangers to give you a magical solution? Mind Boggling

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 09/05/2023 12:02

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:54

It's rented. Both names on tenancy and I can't afford it alone.

I'm staying because I love him (well the idea of him). I want a family, I'm desperate for him to love me and I feel worthless.

Oh OP, just saw this. You are not worthless. HE is making you feel that way.
Do you work?
Please leave him. I feel sorry for you and your child. You have a choice. Exercise it. Dont just don't live like this

Campervangirl · 09/05/2023 12:04

You're wasting your time posting on MN.
You state that you're not going to leave him and you want advice on how to maintain the equilibrium.
The equilibrium is easy to maintain, do nothing, let him continue to treat you like a doormat and blame you for his poor treatment of you.
If I were you I'd answer his message:
"I'm so sorry that living with me is causing you stress, your belongings will be on the doorstep when you get home, enjoy your single life"
Stop being a doormat, he has no respect for you, it's not going to get better

Pinkdelight3 · 09/05/2023 12:06

Saying that, I am choosing to stay in the relationship and we have a child. So I'd like to maintain the equilibrium.

You are wrong to choose this. 100%. It's a shit relationship. He isn't your idea of him. He isn't worth your love and you are not worthless. You need to do some work on yourself, urgently and sustained, and raise your standards so you can see what a shit he is and not stay with him a moment longer.

helpftm · 09/05/2023 12:08

I stayed with a cheat and it never changes, he will always be a cheat unless it was someone he really loved! Sorry to say it OP but if you was the right person for him and someone he truly loved he would never do such a thing.

I think he's gaslighting you and to say you have mental issues because he has cheated makes me so angry, get rid of him op what is there to love about this man?? He treats you like a slave your only there for sex and to clean and look after your child. He's a waste of space show your child how to be treated properly no child deserves to grow up around a relationship like this.

He also won't do things with you but your meant to be a "family" but will not do things with you. It shows a lot OP and everyone can sit here and say leave him blah blah but you need to realise your self worth and do it yourself.

Maybe u womt realise yet and realise now but eventually in the future you will be sick of feeling like this and just be over it and finally leave him, I hope that day is soon. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

I hope you're okay 💓💓

gwenneh · 09/05/2023 12:09

Teacupsandtea · 09/05/2023 11:54

It's rented. Both names on tenancy and I can't afford it alone.

I'm staying because I love him (well the idea of him). I want a family, I'm desperate for him to love me and I feel worthless.

You love the person you wish he was, not the person he is. And he's not going to somehow magically become the person you wish he was. He doesn't love you now, he demonstrates it in multiple ways, and you keep choosing not to believe him.

If you're staying then there's no need to respond to the messages with anything other than acquiescence. Your opinions don't matter to this man and are never going to, so why spend the energy?

Deadringer · 09/05/2023 12:11

Choosing to stay with this piece if shit is choosing being disrespected, cheated on, and accused of being mentally unstable, can you not see that? This is who he is and this is your life, and your child's to witness, if you stay with him.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 09/05/2023 12:11

If you want to stay then you are just going to have to get on with it. You know this is who he is and he wont change cos he has no respect for you. Perhaps look at ways you can cope with it. So you know theres no point in talking to him so dont. Deal with it yourself. This is it unfortunately.

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