Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

PinkIdentity

it’s very hard supporting someone with mental health problems
and it can (if your not careful ) give you your own
One of my kids is having a depressive episode and I’m battered . I know I am

your in a tricky position and all you can do is keep up the good work (exercise , self care , work , kids ) and take it day by day

VanillaSox

Im assuming silence from wozfun ?
my erstwhile cave man has emerged , wants to connect again
but I actually cannot , way too much bad juju
trust gone , too many bad memories
Even IF I was dating others I can’t , too many bad feelings

I hope your OK

Thank you Humblemeep, Vanilla, LuckyLy and Worsy. I’m ok as I am with kids and away most of this month but I’m back end of next week and I guess I am feeling anxious about seeing him. I used to look forward to seeing him. Now I just feel anxious. I know he’s trying to “ protect me “ by not over sharing while he gets sorted. But this regime of silence and very controlled WhatsApp is hard to accept. At least he will have a place to live until he buys a home. I’m not hopeful at all to be honest. And this is the key. I don’t have auto destruct button so I’m training harder and eating super healthy so at least self love is working fine!

Worsy? Is this your local friend or Balkan?? I deduct it’s Balkan…only you know what is best.
I meant to say that I am sorry about your teen but I have 2 too and if it is any consolation they drive me NUTS most of the time. Girl goes from being very needy and getting in bed to watch movies with me ( when I need to do other stuff) to monosyllabic days. Boy is perma angry if I tell him to put his dirty clothes away and he is also slightly depressed I think. They need exams done and holidays !. I always think THIS WILL PASS and they will normalise when hormone level evens out
Self love is a GOOD thing because they are learning and they see my coping mechanism is to stay healthy ( I never drink at home or alone) and doing physical exercise.

I agree…I would not put lots of pics but I would include full body pic as well as close up selfie. 0 editing and 0 filters. In the end, you only want to meet people who fancy you and like who you are
Full length is very important because I had a few shockers when OLD. Also post super recent. 2023 only of possible
I did not have all the time in the world so I needed clear profiles to pick men I would go for a drink or dinner with

Vanilla, any news on Wozzy? I am still rooting for you two. I hope you can sit and have a good conversation
Relationships are not easy especially when you don’t know how to reconnect after a hiatus in comms

Pink

yes B and same anxious feeling ! It’s horrific as it’s triggered all the bad feels I had again

I only engage with him as we have history and I care for him
newiron Is local and don’t have the bad juju with him
and I need to be honest not angry and ask him to leave me be

my child is in a very bad way , it’s been this way for a long time and it’s got worse
I can’t say much as outing but it’s pretty serious and over and above teenage hormones

and in that happy note I’m going for a spring run !!!!

Enjoy your run Worsy and best wishes 😊… I’m off for CrossFit 💪🏻

Thanks so much Worsy and Pink
Two months today since last exchange with Woz and I am much stronger. He has numerous issues that I won’t out on here that really make him avoidant. He has been sporadically active on joint hobby WhatsApps and everyone assumes he is away for work most of the time which is broadly true.
I actually don’t think this is the end. I really think that in his insecurity he fled assuming my lack of kisses was rejection and he is used to rejection. I am not reaching out tho because now I really don’t want to return to the status quo. If/when we do resume contact I will be firmer in my boundaries -specifically around communications. If he never makes contact -well I have learned a lot and had lots of fun and now know what I won’t accept on another relationship.

@VanillaSox fair play, you sound content and in tune with what you need going forward.

I agree. You two belong together but under new rules. You bent yourself over backwards before and now there should be some meaningful changes. Bit this is how it works right? In a relationship there’s always negotiation and we should not avoid discussion.

You two belong together but under new rules

id gently question that Mila , the ‘belonging together ‘
maybe she (and us all !) deserves better than this cave man shite. Anyway she can determine that I’m sure
I just don’t think people change unless they really want to , and work at it (like Mr Ex who is in all fairness at least trying to address his issues )

@Thisisworsethananticpated definitely true about "the cave man shite".....nobody needs that.

I’m learning a lot about mental health and stuff. Depressive or overwhelmed states can make someone feels numb ( I had no idea as I have never experienced this) and for your partner to feel like that means he does not want to be seen in that state or share when in that state. It does not mean the person doesn’t love you but he feels it is better for you not to see him down or worried. Mr Ex started caving in during Covid. We broke up and then rekindled but there was a change in him. Just before Christmas he started talking about feeling disconnected and detached and it has gone downhill since with many problems ( practical and personal ) . I think the caving affects women too. I read the other day a comment by a lady in twitter explaining she needed to go to her cave when something was wrong and that her partner found that very difficult.
I have a whole new vision of the caving. As I realised I was relieved too I could go to my cave for a few weeks
I am only saying caving sometimes needs to be discussed. I would not now drop a person because he needs cave moments. If he matters to me and I matter to him…I would like to understand it.
Also, if I remember well Vanilla’s Woz was always like this…a bit insecure and prone to caving …from the start! So I do think Vanilla and Woz need a conversation that addresses caving but understanding caving in your partner is also an option you can accept

I think there is a big difference between someone caving because they need some self care/me time versus someone who is looking elsewhere or someone who uses it to emotionally batter someone else. The latter shouldnt be tolerated. I see this on this board a lot and why should people tolerate that just because of their history with that person.

Hi @PinkIdentity , I can see both sides tbh. Caving where there is legitimate reason yes but just using silence as a punishment or some messed up type of lesson no. I'm all for emotional intelligence, treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

Absolutely. The latter ( looking elsewhere or battering emotionally) are an abuse of the term. That can’t be tolerated. But I think we call “cave “ to behaviour that is just “ he’s not so into you”. When there is a change on comms, most of the times they are just not invested on us and it is hard for us to accept, so we say “oh, he’s gone to his cave”. We should call it off when we realise they are just not interested and save ourselves the suffering.
This other stuff about battering emotionally…when a guy is indifferent or ignores us…it is in our power to ditch him. He’s not in love.
When we meet a potential partner and he caves ( right from the start) because he needs it, we need to discuss and decide whether we can deal with it or not.

Agree 100%

LostidentityM

agree . The guy I’m kind of seeing (local) left me a message to explain why meeting up is tricky this weekend given what he’s got going on

totally fine ✔️
I’m kind of the same and I’m more introvert the older I get , and I’m on the low down too rn

What I was subjected to by an-other wasn’t cool and it will not occur again 😬

I think there's a big difference between taking space for yourself to process, heal and reflect and using silence and withdrawal as a way of manipulating and punishing others.

In my previous abusive relationship, this would be a regular pattern - the push and pull of the cycle. Give love and withdraw. He'd disappear in fits of rage then come back three days/weeks later with no apology, just a kind token or gesture which would signal to me that his anger had subsided. I couldn't confront him or call him or expect an apology. We were just expected to continue as if nothing had happened. It was horrendous. I'd end up apologising for causing him to disappear.

In turn, when I would just reach the end of my tether, need space, close down and end the relationship mainly because I couldn't cope, I would cut off contact and he would then accuse me of punishing him. I wasn't. I was just protecting myself from him. It was self-defence.

I understand the need to go inward and reflect, process, the need for space. But the respectful thing to do is to communicate that need. Storming off in a fit of anger to get your own way and deliberately and knowingly withholding contact, hurting someone else in the process is cruel.

I know that I absolutely couldn't cope with someone doing that to me again - it would trigger all sorts of pain. It also shows a huge lack of emotional maturity.

So true and well put @5thWisdom. I got an apology on Tuesday and since then we have exchanged a few messages, nowhere near as often as before because we both know a conversation is required as pink suggested. I had a long day in court yesterday for divorce settlement talks and I'm out with work friends tonight. I'm feeling a bit flat and really thinking about whether I need this right now, I don't have the mental energy for emotional immaturity, after years of push pull in my marriage I'm 100% sure I'm not going there again.

Interesting discussion re caving. I've no experience of it but have to say whilst I can see the need sometimes - if there was no prior discussion along lines of "I just need to take some time out at moment to get my head straight" - and just a disappearance etc then I wouldn't be able to put up with it. I can't do any sort of push pull and need to know where I stand and haven't got the time or patience for guessing games. I have so much going on between kids, work and coursework that I don't have mental energy/space for dealing with someone prone to these sorts of episodes in addition. I'm really only looking for someone to add to my life, not to add extra burdens.

Honestly, I just wish I'd lived by this mantra for my entire life - a romantic relationship should ADD to your life.

For me I know it comes down to my relationship with my parents. It was a deeply insecure attachment, always seeking validation, never stable, never loving. So those primary relationships were never healthy and I've just tolerated the same from the romantic relationships I've fallen into.

Instead of thinking, relationships actually should be life enhancing, make you happy and be life affirming.

Anything other than that isn't essential, necessary or acceptable.

@Slothmomma and @5thWisdom couldn't agree more

This is the thing. I am reading all your posts. He’s right… he says he can’t see me/chat more because he’s unwell and has nothing to give. He’s no longer ADDING to my happiness but he has massively over 7 years. I know he is sick but this is really tough going and I can’t see the man I fell in love with. This will be an interesting summer. His DC will go to Uni next September too. So potentially…this can get even worse later on. He tells me not to worry about him and says he loves me but… until when can I sustain this? He doesn’t make me happy and I don’t know he will be able to make me happy this summer either. No drama but I think this will end this summer