Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

One of those guys who just want to get laid I’m afraid…if you don’t put out …thy disappear looking for other prey. They contact you again when they are bored and have nothing available or on the books…

@PinkIdentity - totally! Dodged a bullet there! 😅

Thanks, you guys are right 😊

In my break from OLD, I’d like to think about my approach to it. I’ve spoken to so many people recently about it and it seems that 10-15 years ago lots of people I know successfully met long term partners after a handful of dates.
It may be that their age 30-40 was better for meeting people.
fast forward to now and I’ve only heard of people having a lot of difficult experiences (women 45-55). These aren’t women with low standards or emotional baggage - all are financially secure and independent, good jobs and high flyers, one is an ex model, all are outgoing, attractive and interesting - so what I’d call good prospects on paper. (these are friends, colleagues or close friends of people I know.)
A lot haven’t found anyone after a year of dating, a couple have given up completely. It seems most (like me) can get dates and have good interest within a reasonable distance. But it seems there is a lot of ghosting, deceit, emotional unavailability in the men.

by contrast my male friends have received many less matches or likes, but these tend to be better quality in that women have actively read the profiles and considered that they might like to meet this person etc. Only one of my small sample of 4 male friends is single after a year
and he had quite a few choices.

I do think the 45 plus age bracket is hard for women as quite a few late 40s men can easily attract women 10 years younger.

Any thoughts on this? It might be a numbers game but there are no guarantees and it’s a lot of effort when the odds are so low.

@Garysmum this is because if you are vaguely normal looking as a man, you'll be inundated. Demand and supply! All my single male friends met loads on online dating

@Garysmum definitely is a numbers game and luck too. I was very lucky in that all 4 of my first dates from OLD were interested in meeting again so I had a pretty positive experience after the breakdown of my 20+ year marriage. I do get what you mean about men having a broader age range to choose from too. Ultimately if its not fun, step back and invest in yourself until you feel ready to unleash your lovely self again.

Just got a message there saying he was sorry, he completely overreacted to my comment and huffed and that he misses me....
Delighted to hear from him but how do I proceed??

LuckyLy…please…sit down with him and have a proper conversation. Otherwise he will do this again and again. There’s a lot you need to discuss with him. Even the fact he deauthorise you in public with friends.
You need to sit and all these things you wrote here…have them discussed with him.
of course he misses you

@Garysmum I think I was lucky in that I did just one week of OLD and had three dates. The first was pleasant but not for me, the second I liked a lot but he had a lot going on and we didn’t fix another meeting before I met the third who I have now been with for 8 months. He is 48 and I’m 46. Not without its challenges but mostly issues around communication and him being able to compartmentalise much better than I can. I’ve found it hard getting used to a relationship with someone I don’t live with. But he’s definitely a good guy and has been tremendously kind and supportive to me during a difficult year. And being of such similar ages is such a bonus for cultural references/music etc. He lives 10 minutes away and we both have 50/50 arrangements for our two pairs of teenage boys in identical schedules - even the free weekends align. I realise that this must be a rare thing and can’t always believe how straightforward the process of meeting was. I was quite uncertain to start with, partly because it happened so quickly and partly because he was so keen and so certain, but I can’t really imagine life without him now. So it does happen.

Lovely post. Thank you for sharing and more than anything great that this was a result of OLD…🥰🥰🥰…it shows how a lot of it is chance as you met him in one of your first 3 dates. I think it also shows if you are a parent with kids at home, its better to date someone in your situation. This is one of the reasons I could never date a guy with no kids whatsoever

I don’t know, and don’t want to generalise too much about “men are this way” and “women are that way” on OLD or in this area generally

I find it somewhat disempowering , and not really my experience either

simple fact is 1/4 marriages end in divorce and everyone and I mean everyone carries baggage and trauma

and some people don’t get married , and have a series of LT and ultimately failed relationships

the only common theme i have seen with the men I’ve dated (or had anything with) is they are very horny , a bit lonely and not the best at communication (understatement )

i can see it’s a challenge for everyone who wants something more connected and serious

I really don’t think either gender is winning ! OLD sucks for everyone

@Thisisworsethananticpated i would tend to agree generalising is not helpful. But in this case, I can’t understand why (on my admittedly crude and small sample) there is such a difference between men and women’s perception of OLD.
I don’t think anyone has it easy.
it could be as simple as the women I’ve spoken to etc, really value communication and connection and have only found something with less connection.

I just want to make sense of something that will never make sense!

@Garysmum - definitely my experience of OLD mirrors what you're saying. Some valid points there and I do think that age (sadly) makes a big difference. I've given up for now after the best part of three years. I love to hear these positive stories though. Keeps the hope 🙂

I believe app dating is a numbers game.
I've had 4 dates already and felt nothing.
Only Ms.Iceberg has piqued my interest.
Men according to journalists receive hardly any matches. I'm not so sure men are dating younger either. I think some want to. Some men never receive any interest in dating apps at all.
Personally, I've always dated women younger than myself, my ex was 12 yrs younger, and my ex-wife was 7 yrs younger. Only one woman from my previous foray into dating apps was a similar age to me.
In real life and apps, I attract women younger than me. Probably youthful appearance, and open personality.

@Mumtolittleorange and @Harrypewter thank you both for your perspectives. I do have some fun/ happy stories to share later - they may not have ended in a relationship but they are experiences that I wouldn’t have otherwise had which were happy or fun.

As a woman, I always date older - from a year to 20 years. I actually quite like an older man - being mid 40s, mid 60s is my cut off. I think it widens the number of people I could meet and some I have met are super fun and interesting and hot. Plus most have grown up children so less complicated meeting up!

I wrote some messages to MrEx …and then erased them as I know he’s unwell. He sends a few messages every 2 days or so but we haven’t spoken on the phone or video chat. I think he doesn’t want me to see how bad things are.
I’m quite exhausted of his detachment. It feels like I don’t have a partner. I can’t imagine he will be ok this summer and I find it hard to sit in limbo…
I am starting to fantasise about dating someone sorted…even if he’s not as beautiful and lovely as he is.
I really want to have fun…it has been up and down since Christmas and I can’t see the light at the end of his tunnel
Sorry for ranting but I just want time to go faster now so I can find some kind of decision
I don’t miss OLD but I am resigned I will be back there sooner than I thought

@PinkIdentity hugs. Not easy at all. You are being very understanding, giving and putting Mr Ex’s needs a way above your own. Hugely admirable and that’s the kind of thing I would do.
Right now, I think maybe it’s more than just you receiving nothing in return, maybe the situation is taking a bit from you. It’s the length of limbo, the not being able to see a light, more absence and lack of anything positive as opposed to anything overt. It’s just as difficult and painful to manage as any other situations where deep emotions are in play.
I admire your courage and willingness to wait despite its impact on you. Again, I may well do the same in such circumstances but can’t be sure.
I just hope something changes for Mr Ex and gets him into a better place even if by accident as opposed to design.

thank you Garysmum…😘…

Hi
i just joined this thread last week. New to OLD but joined bumble a week ago. Have swiped right on loads , but only 1 has swiped me back. Is this normal? My photos (2) are unedited and unfiltered and if I’m honest I don’t really take a good selfie so I’ve put the best I’ve got on there and IMP they aren’t horrendous, I’m smiling etc.

@Passmethpens i find it varies, sometimes i get a few matches and other times none for ages. I seem to get plenty of likes though (just not the ones I want!) Although if you have just joined you should get a ‘new here’ boost which should put you in front of more people. Maybe ask a friend to look over your profile and give an honest opinion?

Also, unedited and unfiltered is a good thing. You need to be 100% yourself if you want to find the person who is 100% for you

It's very difficult. An impossible decision to make. I dated someone who was depressed and anxious a few years ago. In the end I couldn't cope with it anymore, like you I wanted to have fun, go out, live my life. I decided to leave him and felt much better for it. Only you know what is the right decision for you, but we're all here for you to talk to and help where we can.

Aw @PinkIdentity I really feel for you. You are being so considerate but you deserve to be happy too.

@PinkIdentity I do so feel for you. You have been so unfailingly supportive of MrEx and his illness and he sounds so tortured. Nothing to say that is any use to you except sending you hugs xxxx

And can understand about the summer. How can these men waste those precious few long light days when they have could have fun moments with utterly gorgeous happy joyful intelligent women!

I can only post from a male perspective. Initially 20-30 matches, then these are whittled down. Then a pattern emerges, so ill receive 4-5 bees (Likes). Finding them is a pain in the free version. Then nothing, they tend to come in waves.
The majority of matches lead to crap convos etc.

Photos, they're just a snapshot, some people surprise you, and some disappoint.
There's more to dating than photos. One of the best dates I've ever been on, her app photos were ok. We clicked chatting via the app. She most definitely wasn't ok in person. She was an omg.
Bio's I personally skim read some but not all.

Personally, I just keep the app running in the background. Check-in a couple of times per week. Try not to become overinvested.