Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

I don't know the back story, but is there a reason you are holding on for the summer?

I have mixed feelings about an iron but I can't decide if it's me and my history projecting or if he's just being an arse. We met on an OLD app a few weeks ago, we were supposed to meet up that weekend but he never got back to me with an exact time, so he sent me a text the morning of and I told him I had other plans now as assumed it wasn't happening. We arranged for the following week and had a concrete plan. I am someone who likes organisation and planning and I feel he is a bit more last minute. Anyway, we've had 4 dates between then but after date 1 he was texting every day, seemed keen. Then we had date 2 and he stopped texting as much and I felt it was me initiating so I slowed down thinking he was trying to slowly fade, but suddenly I got a text asking if I wanted to meet up, so I did, and it was great, we got on well and the conversation was great. Then he was barely messaging and then I got a text asking to hang out, really wanted to see me etc. Now not heard from him in 2 days, when he messaged saying he'd like to see me (but no concrete plans). I can't decide whether he is just not a planner, or if I'm just a back up plan?

Back up plan…I think you know this in your gut

Yes. He started a really heavy therapy to address his depression like 2 months ago. He still needs to move home to settle a bit and get a few personal issues sorted. Some of the bothering elements will be sorted in the summer. Its a question of time for some of the issues but I have no time frame and no idea about his MH changes. It’s a 7 year relationship. I don’t want to add Afro now that his on his knees. I love him too 🙄

PinkIdentity

what can you do for yourself during this period ?

hes a long term love and I understand (and respect ) you want to have the faith he can get through this

but you sound so sad 😞
I think you need to see him and maybe talk and share how hard this is for you ?
maybe have a therapy with him ?

god I don’t know , but this doesn’t sound easy

TheNefariousOrange

no one can say , as to be fair not everyone’s a texter - and it’s a crappy medium to communicate with new friends

You must get a sense of he likes you when you see him ? But also do you like him ? What do you like , or is it mainly chemistry

Im feeling lighter as I have finally completed (civilly ) with Balkan - my door 🚪 shall not be knocked on
I feel so much lighter and just freeer and happier

we live and learn hey

There's definitely chemistry when we meet. I've still got this voice in the back of my head telling me I'm not good enough, which doesn't help.

@TheNefariousOrange reminds me of MrNoEffort, I found it very stressful

TheNefariousOrange

that voice isn’t helping you lovely

take him at face value
assume he’s honest and maybe don’t care if he doesn’t text for two days ? If you meet again explain face to face that you prefer better advance planning moving forward

and if you don’t hear from him - you’ll live !

but probably will as sounds like he likes you

@Thisisworsethananticpated glad all sorted with Mr b and you feel at peace with it

Good that you have your closure with Balkan. How do you feel?

Yes. We need to talk. End of this month…beginning of June

@TheNefariousOrange I'd say you're a back up plan. Dating like this will only add to your worries of not feeling enough. He only contacted you the day of the proposed date? Comms are slack? Sounds like he's waiting for a better offer.

This sounds incredibly difficult with no timeline for an end date. This is different to a bloke just disappearing- he's unwell. This is where unconditional love and support steps in.

But it's whether the distance is mutually agreed or enforced. If I'm low, the presence of the people who mean the world to me make me feel physically and mentally better and are a comfort, despite the burden on them, they are willing to be there. And vice versa

Is he asking for your support and presence? Who is instigating and enforcing the distance?

PinkIdentity

feels good
been trying to do this for a long time

But this time it’s been polite and not hostile and thats important for me

I have a new iron. In theory, he is perfect. Good looking, emotionally intelligent and available, kind, open, honest, interesting and extremely interested in me. We have all the same interests, values and outlooks on life. We chatted on the phone and the conversation flowed effortlessly. BUT (and there is always a bloody but) I’m just not feeling it? Like he doesn’t have that edge and really witty sarcastic humour I like. I’m meeting him in person next week and I so hope there is a spark but I suspect he might be in the friend zone. Am I an idiot if I turn down what seems to be a thoroughly decent guy?

Have you met at all yet @Mapleunicorn? I think you will have a clearer picture then.

@Mapleunicorn I think you'd be mad to say no if he's as ideal as you think. Meet and decide.

Meet him please…on paper he’s got all you want. You can decide better when you go on a date with him

Brilliant. Closure as it should be

Fifthie…he doesn’t want to talk and see me until he’s a bit sorted. He thinks seeing me in this estate is wrong. Last time I saw him it was really bad…he had nothing to give and it was really too much. The problem is he feels bad he always has problems and things going wrong and issues while I normally deal quietly with my stuff and don’t bring it to the relationship. He’s fed up of always being in drama zone and doesn’t like the way he is presenting himself to me. He’s a shadow of the man I met years ago. In the years we’ve been together my life situation got significantly better and more organised while his is in tatters. I was going to be away and busy for 4 weeks so we agreed to take some distance so he can sort himself out a bit. The problem is I want to get a life and enjoy being with my partner but his continuous drama is starting to affect me negatively. I am not looking forward to seeing him

Mapleunicorn

meet him ! You cannot determine true chemistry from anything online
If nothing else it’s a learning experience ?

Is his current drama something which is likely to go on for a while?

The thing is, if your relationship is this hard and unenjoyable now, has it come to a natural end or is is salvageable?

Excellent question Cheesecake… I don’t really know what to answer