Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Shwingbada

oooh that’s tricky
it’s ok to have issues and life problems
its ok to be quiet when you are Processing things

but it’s not OK to be mean and take it out on you
thats not cool

Sounds like it’s been very intense and it’s lulled you into a sense of security ?

I wouldn’t like that either

can you also take a step back ?
as both sets of kids are now involved

@Shwingbada i am sorry to hear what’s been happening. I think it’s probably very different to what happened to me as I hardly knew the man at all.
My impression is that he is going through something which is not relationship related and has closed off. I wouldn’t like his behaviour but I accept people can behave strangely and unpleasantly when under a lot of pressure or stress. I would want to talk about it.

@qqq82 i would be honest. It feels like the stage where there is nothing to lose.

I still can’t face going back on the apps. In the past I’ve dated someone and paused myself. And I’ve had a man message me with something on the lines of he’d noticed I was back and implying I needed to lower my standards and see I wasn’t that special. (We had exchanged a couple of messages and he was a “how was your day” messager so I stopped responding as I got two word messages back.)
Maybe it’s better to leave it longer and start a new profile with new photos. I don’t suppose in person agencies exist anymore?

Thanks @PinkIdentity and @Thisisworsethananticpated. I do agree about the good outweighing the bad. Given that I have sent 2 messages and he has read and not replied do I just wait now.......?

LuckyLinda3

I think you know him enough after 2 years to know that (a) he’s in a huff and (b) he’ll be back when said huff has abated

its very frustrating and it’s a shame you don’t feel secure enough to relax in that certainty

which is why I’m single (ish )
its too stressful dating these cave fuckers

Wait to hear from him LuckyLy

Thanks again @Thisisworsethananticpated and @PinkIdentity. I will wait. Its not ideally how I'd like things to be as I prefer communication. Totally agree that dealing with this type of behaviour brings unnecessary stress and in time I could see that changing my feelings. I think the fact that i experienced this for years in my marriage and have expressed that to him makes me all the more disappointed when he does this. I believe if someone is really important to you and you want them in your life, you behave in a way that keeps them there.

Garysmum

id take a MH pause

your profile is clearly not the issue as you are meeting people and having dates no ?

bit 2 upsets in a row IS bruising and you need to get your mojo back ?

I'm going to go against the grain here. It is not healthy to withold communication and or affection. It is a form of emotional abuse. Retreating to process is fine, he should be able to communicate that.

What you allow is what will continue. I suggest that once he comes out of this funk, you explain what your needs are around conflict resolution. A relationship is not always about one's person's needs.

Your last line is so true. My 16 year old son has learnt this the hard way. They now have girls in their all boys boarding school in 6th form, so learning how to act, what's cool etc. He wasn't sitting with the girl he likes over lunch, proritises his sport etc, so when he then wants to chat with her just before lights out he told him point blank, you don't treat me right all day, you don't want to be seen in public with me. I'm not a toy you can pick up and drop when you like. He is so gutted and has learnt a valuable lesson there and I really wish more women would just state what they need. Men have no problems doing it! I am way more social than I would ever be because the man I am dating needs to court clients and actually just loves entertaining. I do it for him.

@Shwingbada

so sorry to hear you're going through this. I don't think its love bombing thats now run out though. I was going to say it's a funk, something he needs to work out. The only thing that is personally triggering for me is the behaviour in front of a friend- he knew the meeting was important for you. Going along and being oppositional is just mean! He could have been slightly detached.

I feel your anguish through your posts and just wanted to write to cheer you up a little I hope. This heart stuff is TOUGH. Hugs!

Thanks for your reply @Myfabby. I think the same, it's unhealthy and he has done it before. It really was over a very minor issue and later that day I messaged to check in and ask how his day was going as normal but his reply was "flat out" and he didn't bother replying to my next message or contacting me since. I'm torn because what we have is really good, he tells me all the time he loves and needs me and I'm his person but I'm also aware he very much has his own life and a very established social life without me. I have no issue with that but when we fall out his life continues as is. It really isint the type of behaviour I want to be dealing with every time an issue pops up but I'm trying to balance how well we get on and how good he is to me and my kids too. I haven't heard a peep from him since Wednesday but I know he's been out Friday and Saturday night. I'm not stressed about it but am definitely disappointed.

This sounds like me!
I’m busy with work and kids so cannot really commit to a relationship.
Had something casual going with a FWB, caught feelings, even though I knew I shouldn’t. So I started feeling undervalued and unimportant and the whole thing has now ended. I miss him 😢.
I joined Bumble last week. I have swiped right on so many but only 2 have swiped me back 😢😢.
it’s such a shame people don’t meet IRL anymore as I do think I’m a pretty awesome person, but feel a bit like unwanted goods atm 😢

Quick update, the day out with Ms zoo was fun, however, no chemistry, so just friends.
On the other hand, Ms. Iceberg, the chemistry via text is unreal, we've been very busy via Whats app.😏😂
My kids have sussed something, so I'll need to be discreet.

@Harrypewter hopefully the chemistry in real life is just as hot!

@Thisisworsethananticpated i probably need a break as I’m getting to the point where I’m lonely and fed up despite being very happy with my life in general. But part of me feels I need to soldier on with dating.
So far I seem to have met a large number of men who enjoy my company and definitely fancy me but only one out of the 25 or so I’ve met in the last 3 years has had any feelings at all for me. I’ve dated at least 6 for a decent length length of time. The vast majority have been emotionally available and mature.
My friends all say I’ve been really unlucky. But maybe I need to change.

Garysmum

sweetheart why soldier in something that isn’t making you feel happy ?

i bet you £100 if you paused now , took a 4 week break , lived your life and exercised a nd saw friends
youd feel better and happier at the end of it

Thanks very much for your kind message @Myfabby .

Mr Kind ended up coming over for breakfast and we had a rather difficult and drawn out conversation but it was helpful.

Something I had perceived as a relatively minor issue on Wednesday night had put him into a state where he felt everything had been brought into question. He is ultra-sensitive and particular about communication. He especially dislikes indirectness or being passive aggressive (“if that’s what you want to do then fine” when it isn’t). I have lots of ingrained behaviours that I really have to check myself for; he is very intolerant and considers it power play. In some ways I agree with him but it’s a hard thing to unlearn and I’d hope he would be a bit more forgiving. I sometimes wonder if he is further down the autistic spectrum as he is quite inflexible and literal sometimes.

Ultimately it was useful though, and I feel generally much better (if a little uncertain about our long term compatibility - like @Thisisworsethananticpated i am of the more fiery-and-then-it’s-over type of conflict resolution and he is definitely the brooding, slow to forget type…).

Thanks to you all for being so lovely earlier, it’s amazing how much better it made me feel to have your understanding.

anyone had this... i went to an event yesterday by myself, a lot of single people go and it's really fun and friendly. I got talking to this guy after it finished, we seemed to really click and ended up speaking for 2 hours, dancing in the street (it was a dance event) and he was being quite physical and putting his arm around me etc. I found it all a bit overwhelming and felt quite uncomfortable even, so before we could kiss or anything just said it was getting late and I had to go. He gave me his number and I texted him today saying it would be lovely to see him etc but no response. I feel kind of upset... I wonder if he's just the type to flirt quite insincerely? But also in a way kind of relieved because I had felt uncomfortable and maybe that was my gut instinct telling me to stay away...

So I was honest with MrNoEffort and sent a text saying I can't do casual as I've got feelings for him so to give me a call if there's a possibility we could make a go of it or otherwise we don't contact each other again
Well guess what .....
Total silence. So I've been right all along and he wasn't interested at all
Oh well least I know now and can move on.

qqq82 ahh I’m sorry this happened.
onwards and upwards now xx

qqq82

well done . Bet it feels shit however

i don’t think he’s ‘not interested ‘ in you as a person , and it’s nothing about your worth
he’s just selfish and emotionally unavailable

Harrypewter

good luck with the real meeting , when is it ?

Gut instinct totally right. You dodged a bullet I think

I think you were preparing for this for quite a time though. So it’s not a surprise…MrNo effort wants exactly what says in his name. No effort. Fun here and there and 0 commitment to a relationship with you
You know what you want and need though.

Friday. It's going to be literally 14 days. It's my schedule that's the issue. It was my week for the children. I couldn't change it. Otherwise, we'd have met up a lot sooner. Plus a project is nearing its end. My schedule this week is a lot calmer.
What's app is busy though.😮

I was going to comment about texting. Texting is poor if you need to know specifics or feelings, or want to be direct. You must either talk or meet.
Texting is well known for being misunderstood or allowing people to be passive.

@freakingouttheneighbourhood I had something very similar happen. It was a first date and we went for a drink and a walk and he got very handsey. It was quite uncomfortable and I told him so and he messaged later to say he thought I lived too far away! Lol. He messaged me again a couple of months later and I blocked. Not my thing!