Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Ms. Iceberg and I had a lovely 3 hr long call last night. Scheduling means we cannot see each other often for the next couple of weeks but the call was excellent.
The next step is to align our lives to sync better, we can both do that, it's only going to be a few weeks.
Intimacy is growing, and evolving, the attraction is off the charts.

Fwb either never gets off the ground or one or the other gets the feels to varying degrees. Or both parties get the feels and then you either run with it or terminate.

So I have a new dilemma today. We had words at wk end about how difficult it has been recently to get time mid week. He sometimes stays after work with me but after a 13 hr shift he's basically here to sleep, get up and go again so not really quality time. All the same he said it was important to him to do this as it keeps the connection so I agreed. He called after work last night, I assumed he was staying especially after weekend conversation but after 10 mins he mentioned going home to do some chores and shower...I was taken aback and a fallout out ensued. I was annoyed and he left annoyed. I texted this morning to apologise and suggested lunch or dinner and I've just received a text thanking me but politely declining saying "I think I'll take a bit of time to myself this weekend". Am I wasting my time after 2 plus years .I havent replied yet so all advice appreciated.

LuckyLinda3

no one can answer that
as on paper what he did wasn’t that bad

however this seems to be a constant issue with you both ?

the only thing I’ve learnt in my dating is the power of silence

honestly if that’s what he says , don’t reply and do the same 🤷‍♀️

you seem to be in a repeating loop ?

@LuckyLinda3 sorry to hear that things are somewhat up in the air again with your guy. I think if it was me I would be sitting with the distance over the weekend and trying to get my thoughts, feelings and needs clear in my head. I would then ask for a FTF conversation at some point next week but preferably at a time and place where you won’t be interrupted. I think these bumps in the road have happened enough times for you both to realise that something in the dynamic is not right. You have busy schedules and different commitment so it can be difficult to get quality time together where you have all of your needs met. I can find myself in this situation with Mr V. What sustains us is a shared commitment to wanting things to work for us. Do you think you are on the same page about what each of you want and what you can offer in return?

It just seems a bit of an overreaction on his part.
However, schedules can be difficult, and the onus is on both parties to accommodate one another. 13 hrs does seem a rather excessively long day at work.
I'm lucky in the fact Ms iceberg and I have distance and childcare arrangements that are not matching at the moment. However, her role has flexibility built in and I have a business which means I can take as much time as I'd like off.

I do remember being married to someone who did long shifts in the NHS and it was rubbish. I do think some people are quite rigid, I think some roles and attitudes mean aligning for a relationship is difficult.

Thanks @Thisisworsethananticpated @Stepcount and @Harrypewter. Definitely in a loop, definite schedule problems but when I raised this at weekend he went out of his way to reassure me he would do all he could on his part so that's why I was so annoyed at him arriving and announcing he was going again. I'm not needy in terms of phone comms so I will absolutely give him the space he asked for. I do think we both want this but I'm not sure he's realistic about what he can offer because of his work so he is offering time he can't always deliver and because this happens quite often there's frustration on my part as it feels less connected.

@Harrypewter I agree with you entirely, having had to deal with someone very rigid in her outlook. It's all about the attitude and accepting you've got to be flexible, and one of you can't just bend entirely to the whims of the other.

@LuckyLinda3 it's whether it's sustainable and his priorities. I've worked a very demanding job which placed strain on relationships before. You have to make a very deliberate decision as to whether your work is more important than your family/partner. If your partner is more important, you can reduce hours, change jobs and other options do exist.

@Vretz thanks but I work 9 to 4.30 and can work from home 2 days a week with great annual leave, my work is very flexible. Its my partners work schedule that causes difficulties.

Sorry for clarity I should add he is an agency worker so can decline shifts that don't suit but he takes on an awful lot of additional shifts and this is where the difficulty arises. He loves his work and work colleagues so I'm not going to dictate to him about when he should/shouldn't work and would rather he finds the balance himself.

@LuckyLinda3 If you arent happy with the difficulties with that though, then I don't think you're being out of line to ask him to take less of those additional shifts. It's better that over you building resentment for it and him being unaware how you feel.

He might not want to find a balance. Maybe his identity is entwined in his job.
I had this same groundhog day conversation with both my ex-wife and recent ex. Both are wedded to their jobs and colleagues. The same monologue day after day.
The ex-wife even put her job before the babies and post-divorce 6 yrs on she still prioritizes her job over the kids who are 12-10 now. She just has a chap who doesn't seem bothered by it and takes up the slack. The most recent ex is with a director who converses like a formal business bulletin. I bet he does a PowerPoint presentation before sex-high performance baby.😂

Ms. Iceberg has a more senior role than either of those two, however, she's like me, with complete compartmentalization of her life. The time conversing about her work is around about 5%. It's refreshingly simple.

I agree about the resentment @Vretz. I think he is aware because I clearly communicated my needs and feelings last weekend during what I thought was a very fair and balanced 2 way conversation. I'm going to give him the space he has asked for over the weekend and I'll see where we go then.

@Harrypewter what you said about not wanting to find balance and being entwined is interesting. He was a stay at home dad to his 3 boys until about 3 years ago, work is everything to him now.

I'm so glad your current situation is working so well, that certainly sounds refreshing..enjoy.

I agree with @Harrypewter as it is common to see people become entwined with their job. The risk is if they lose that job, they also lose their identity.

His balance isn't right from the sounds of it, which isn't just for your sake, but for his own sake. The balance is needed for resilience in life.

My XH would have said my balance was all wrong and I should work less blah blah. The fact was I didn’t want to spend time with him so I prioritised work and kids. My now DP is fine with how hard I work, he gets what it means to me and exerts no pressure - the result being I make sure I carve out time for him!

Plenty for me to think about folks, maybe he doesn't want to make the time either as suggested. The weather here is really good at the minute and my kids are both busy all weekend so I will just make the most of my time and head off to the beach for a nice walk and get some lunch. I'm feeling pretty good about myself after losing some weight recently and while I'd rather not deal with this it won't break me either. Hope everyone has a lovely weekend.

@LuckyLinda3 it does sound a bit like this pattern keeps arising with you and your partner but sounds like you accept the lows because youve been together a while. It would be hugely off-putting to me if someone left after 10min and then states they want their me time that weekend. I also have a very busy job but I make time for partners.

@Hellenabe yes you could be right, maybe I am tolerating this. I am also like you in that I will make time for a partner. I'm very confused right now, one friend is convinced I'm settling another thinks I'm too highly strung about the detail and should go with the flow more.

@LuckyLinda3 it's probably somewhere in the middle. It sounds like you're being walked over a bit, that's all I would say. There's a gentle nudge in the right direction for your partner, and then there's a push. This just needs a gentle nudge.

@Vretz thank you, appreciate your opinion. I do feel a wee bit taken for granted but equally he has just revoluted money to me for my daughter for a concert she's going to tomorrow so I'm well aware of the positives too.

I can't imagine why 30 minutes would ever be a particular problem?

@PinkIdentity how are you doing?

I went out last night with a friend. Saw a gorgeous older guy in bar. Saw he was looking (or had noticed me checking him out 😄) so made my way over and got chatting. Very flirty, lots of touching (putting hand round my back etc), missed his train home - so when it was time to leave I braved asking if he wanted my number only for him to admit he was see someone so it wouldn't be fair 🤦‍♀️😄

PinkIdentity

yes i also noticed you were very quiet and I hope things are ok with you x

Slothmomma

ahhhh you can’t make an omelette without breaking any eggs !!!
good he was honest eventually I guess and clearly some spark

my only excitement this week has been a postman who Was rather smitten with me and a few exes texting me (they never give up god love em)

im trying to detox which is rather dull but very necessary