Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

[PinkIdentity]

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

No, I think you were just unlucky.

No no… cheating on the proper horny honeymoon period is unthinkable. If you had been with him 10 years I would understand something happened but 6 weeks??? Hell no. If he does that at 6 weeks imagine after 2 years
It is not normal. He’s not in love

@PinkIdentity thank you and yes it’s so wrong it’s almost laughable. I’ve made peace with it, he love bombed me the first few weeks so I think I’ve had a lucky escape. Still not a great feeling though.

I’m going re-set up my profile and get back out there as he asked if we can both come off the apps after a few dates as he was so sure about us 🙄

Cherriesandstrawberries

ooh he’s nasty
love Bomb , ‘off the apps’
then fucks someone else

honestly some people are just messed up

Saw something on Facebook today -is this really a thing? Wear a green ring too indicate that you are single and open to romance..? Bad luck of you have an emerald engagement ring 😁

@VanillaSox it's probably not meant to be on the wedding/engagement ring finger though? Or is it even a thing, never heard of it but would be a good idea I think...maybe the idea is a plain solid green band, not a green gemstone anyway (if it's unisex)

Have def given up also, after 4 years on old. Very sad, just lack the resilience. I'm happy being mum, but, am also seriously lonely oftentimes suicidal lonely.
Been treated so badly on old, its shocking,
Now have a distant Fwb, which is fine for now.

ChaliceinWonderland

hey I’ve not seen you for a while x
im concerned by your post but I’m also pleased you are being honest about where you are at

I’m not a mental health expert , but you have to take feeling this bad very seriously

I’m also concerned that you may have had some bad experiences as you are usually very jaunty

please take feeling this way VERY seriously

lots of hugs and look after yourself

I’ve been noticing that a lot of old posters havnt been posting , myself included

in also hanging up my dating boots for the moment
its been two years since I joined tinder

it’s not been all bad , but I’m also questioning what the solution to my lonely and oftentimes hard Single mum life is?

alcohol makes me depressed

socialising is variable if I enjoy it , and expensive

dating has provided fun and escape but also a fuck ton of anxiety and sometimes (often !) negative emotions

Most critically I’m 100% clear that I don’t want to bring a man into my home .

but casual is TRICKY and I’ve had toxic blow outs with both irons 😑

So, quick update.
Ms. Iceberg and I have decided to ditch the FWB and date. (After we've met twice). The chemistry is good, we get along swimmingly. We can have some fun dating and with intimacy. We both agreed we'd broken the fabled FWB boundaries.
It's very early, however, she's such a lovely warm personality, we just click. She's not an Iceberg at all. It's a bit of a fluke really.
Very happy.
She's stopping Fri-Sat night this weekend.

@Thisisworsethananticpated a really interesting reflection. I really relate to what you wrote.

So much sympathy/empathy for the loneliness too @ChaliceinWonderland .

I definitely think that my tendency (and mistake) is to look outwards for emotional satisfaction/fulfilment/distraction (dopamine), which only briefly plugs the gap. When faced with the prospect of this current relationship ending, my life feels so bleak and empty. And yet it isn’t really, but it’s hard to feel engaged or interested in it. My task I think is to learn to live a more fulfilling life alone and with my children. Not sure why I find this so hard. OLD is such a tempting distraction, even the pain and disappointment of it.

I too think I look externally for dopamine boost/stimulation. I love him and enjoy spending time with him, he loves me too, but I feel very vulnerable, as if he's all that makes me happy. I know this isn't good, but am struggling to change it at the moment. We do spend a lot of time together and it's always great, but I was happy alone before I met him, now I feel as if I'm just waiting until the next time I see him. I'm trying to keep myself busy with other things to take my mind off it. We speak every day when we don't meet up, he's very attentive, I can't complain at all. If I hadn't met him I don't think I'd be putting myself through OLD again though.

some very reflective and sad posts today. Introspection is very healthy..

OLD was brutal when I was actively doing it, but I think what kept me grounded was the fact that I had been through the worst sort of pain imaginable so was able to detach and dismiss anything 'less'.

@humblemeep you need to look into why you feel this way. It is not healthy to be on tenterhooks when you're not together.You've not known him long- you need a full and varied life outside of him or trust me he will be become stifled.

I see a lot of I love you's after a few months of dating. And I really wonder how that can be. It's not judgement, maybe I am a bit of a cynic.

It's going ok with the man I'm with, we have the same old niggles about what next in the future- he wants a more out there, blended thing and whilst I really do care for him, I'm not sure I can give that. He's also very social and whilst I like to dress nice and attend events with him , I don't necessarily do well with small talk and staying on till the end of the evening.

@ChaliceinWonderland I am sending you big hugs, Take care of yourself. These blips can be dangerous . Idiots treating you badly is not on you. We all got better with seeing red flags or just shitty behaviour with experience.

@humblemeep you've NOT known him long I meant to say...

Thanks @Myfabby I realise it's not healthy, I'm working on it, it's difficult because I'm alone a lot. I'm not worried about saying I love you so early on, it was the same with my ex and we were together for 20 mostly happy years. Everyone's different and that's ok!

@ChaliceinWonderland if it helps in any way, you're absolutely not alone.

@Thisisworsethananticpated we are also very similar, in very similar situations.

I don't know what the answer is. I look back on my relationships and interactions with men and just feel used and bruised. I don't feel that I have the capacity to take on another man bringing issues, stress and baggage into my life. At least right now. I suppose the reason I dip in and out of OLD is because I feel hopeful still that there is someone decent out there and I have so much love to give, and want to be loved and supported. That lasts about a week!

After years of highs and lows in bad relationships, it takes some time to adjust to actually a steady state of just being. Finding joy from the calm inside and navigating life alone. It's so hard but it's easier than being deliberately hurt by someone else.

I don't want to surround myself with masses of people. I can't join regular weekly clubs as my routine with my child isn't the same each week. Reading threads on MN and joining various female only FB groups, it seems that there are an awful lot of women now choosing life alone over rubbish relationships. There's just a massive shortage of decent men/people out there and RL opportunities to meet them. At my age, everywhere I go, activities with my child, I'm surrounded by long established families and couples and it's tough. Even the bloody school run has had me in tears before now.

@ChaliceinWonderland please take care of yourself.

It does seem quieter here at present. I've not been on much generally as nothing really going on and never feel im best placed to offer advice to anyone.

Am on apps but barely swipe anyone I look the look of and wonder if its actually that I'm just not that bothered. Last person I saw that lasted more than a few dates/a couple of weeks was back in October last year. Since then I've been on dates with 8 people - only 2 of whom lead to second dates. Mr music was completely unavailable to date and probably only looking for sex really. Mr gig (I think that's what I called him) basically faded/ghosted after second date and me refusing to head back to his so again only looking for sex. I think like fabby the only reason I'm not completely broken by my OLD experience over last 4 years is that nothing could hurt as much as the breakdown of my relationship/marriage with ex who is still the only person I've ever actually loved and probably ever will.

I'd say i merely dabble with OLD which runs in background of my actual life and can't be the focus of it. Would be nice to find someone to spend quality time with which I why I don't give up entirely however its starting to feel like maybe I do that just to convince myself I tried 🤔

Harrypewter

spring romance ! Hope it works out for you both

It’s so nice to hear from everyone !

Yes we are all different. But 'falling in love' every three months is unrealistic, unsustainable and just setting yourself up for failure. It may sound harsh and I really hope this works out for you, but please see the patterns.

@Myfabby I hear what you're saying, but I don't fall in love every three months, tbf, I just happened to meet someone I hit it off with and we're happy together. If it goes wrong I'll deal with it. I don't think it will, but you never know. Maybe we all have different definitions of love too, maybe I'm in love rather than loving him, who knows? I just know I like being with him and vice versa.

Sending love and hugs to all. This is such a lovely space to vent and while I appreciate its primarily regarding dating I'd like to think any of us could reach out at difficult times and we would be here for each other. Good things lie ahead, take care and keep believing x

Has been very quiet on here - perhaps because half term and people busy kids?
Feeling a bit low so sending his to all out there and grateful we have this space xxx

Hi everyone!! Ooo what a cracking thread idea. I’ve been single a year now and signed up to pof, tinder, fb dating and hinge- I’m finding the men really effing creepy it’s not just me is it??
WHY do they talk about sex or make inuendos 2 mins into chatting. It gives me immediate ick
happy hunting 🥰

Literally could have write this myself. Exactly how I feel 💐