Sorry to hear that’s happened to you, @Cherriesandstrawberries . What a minefield this all is.
I’m hoping for some opinions. My OLDing quickly turned into an 8 month relationship which has largely been very happy. There have been some bumps along the way and you’ve all been hugely supportive.
I am a naturally insecure person while he is very straightforward and he believes that if he’s made his feelings clear and is being attentive in his actions then he shouldn’t be made to “jump through hoops” and be more expressive or enthusiastic, eg about me coming over if it’s one of our routine nights together. This is generally fine but sometimes things happen that trigger my insecurity and every few weeks this leads to a major rupture, with him feeling undermined by my doubt and withdrawing due to being hurt for several days. I have an unduly strong reaction to all this, triggering all kinds of raw feelings of abandonment that must date back to childhood (I have recently been reading about transference which seems to be what’s going on). So very much about me, not him. However, for the relationship to be right for me, I feel that I need him to be understanding of this and to try to avoid the triggers or be more reassuring. He seems somewhat reluctant to view it as anything other than something I need to deal with. Largely, we get over the blip because after a few days we talk and then feel close again, albeit with what he referred to today as “scar tissue“.
Anyway, the other day this insecurity had kicked in. He’d been out in one of “our” evenings and so it was late. He picked up on my neediness in messages, and eventually said that he wanted me to come round “as long as his lovely day wasn’t going to be compromised “. I felt very put out by this as I hate being prejudged but went anyway as I was really longing for comfort and affection. He was then somewhat indifferent when I was there and we watched a couple of episodes of Black Ops and went to bed, where he promptly turned the light off and went to sleep without any chat. I felt very disappointed and lonely. Now, I realise my subsequent behaviour was very out of order and immature etc, but how bad do you think it was? I said to him that I was going home as I felt restless and wished him goodnight (quite pleasantly) but then as I was leaving I slammed the front door. In my view, not a full slam, but nonetheless. Growing up there was lots of door slamming and expressive externalising of emotion, and so it didn’t feel like a big deal to me, although I did really regret leaving. I didn’t even remember the next day that I had slammed the door. But he was furious about it, saying it was disrespectful of him and his house, and we have subsequently had three days of very frosty contact during which I have been desperately sad and regretful. It feels like my natural personality (somewhat volatile, with ADHD) is somehow intolerable to him - while I try to control my behaviour, if I lash out with a nasty comment or slam the door or something then I am used to apologising and then moving on, generally with the understanding that it wasn’t meant. He is very sensitive and can’t handle this. It’s really not a regular occurrence but he seems to think it is quite shocking and extreme, which has shaken me as it doesn’t seem like that to me. Are we just incompatible? Is he right that this is unthinkably bad and disrespectful? We have discussed it today at some length but there doesn’t seem to be a solution. I fear that a small misstep on my part could lead to him “abandoning” me or that he can’t accept me for who I am; he seems to fear that I am concealing some kind of rage-filled, vengeful side (which really isn’t the case).
I would really appreciate any thoughts that you might have on this dynamic. Xx