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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

984 replies

PinkIdentity · 08/05/2023 13:02

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. Know your worth.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Mapleunicorn · 21/05/2023 20:35

@CheesecakeAddict i would proceed with caution. A lot of what you say sounds exactly like someone I was dating. No surname (I actually did know it but he didn’t tell me), only WhatsApp, sporadic messaging, inconsistent meet ups.. He was VERY laid back and I convinced myself that all it was. Turns out he wasn’t single.

Have you been inside his house at all?

CheesecakeAddict · 21/05/2023 21:13

@Mapleunicorn no, I've parked up at his house but not been inside.

I sent him a message this afternoon asking how his hobby weekend was going. Not heard back yet but not weird if he's with his kids and they are busy. I am about to hit my busiest period at work from this week on, I usually average about 70-80 hour weeks for the next 4 weeks before it eases off, so I have definitely got something to keep my mind off him. I'm just removing myself slowly, like before I was quite upset because I don't know whether I'm coming or going and his intentions are not clear.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 21:00

Well I got dumped yesterday (newiron)
clearly the cooling down was mutual
and it’s always ok to end things if it’s not sparking joy (and i did maybe use him to get under one to get over one )

he wasn’t very nice about it though , a bit of a personal attack I felt

it’s not very nice being dumped ! i prefer being ghosted 👻

Original poster
PinkIdentity · 22/05/2023 21:11

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 21:00

Well I got dumped yesterday (newiron)
clearly the cooling down was mutual
and it’s always ok to end things if it’s not sparking joy (and i did maybe use him to get under one to get over one )

he wasn’t very nice about it though , a bit of a personal attack I felt

it’s not very nice being dumped ! i prefer being ghosted 👻

So sorry…I know you had a bust up with newiron sometime ago. It is ok…he showed you there’s life after Balkan. You will find someone better Worsy. 😘

OP posts:
5thWisdom · 22/05/2023 21:23

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 21:00

Well I got dumped yesterday (newiron)
clearly the cooling down was mutual
and it’s always ok to end things if it’s not sparking joy (and i did maybe use him to get under one to get over one )

he wasn’t very nice about it though , a bit of a personal attack I felt

it’s not very nice being dumped ! i prefer being ghosted 👻

It was probably a case of dented ego on his part, needing to get in first when he realised you wouldn't beg for sex with him again - that he thought he'd top off with a childish personal insult.

Yet another crappy man you absolutely don't need dragging you down. Not worth another moment of your time! Not one jot.

NEXT'

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 21:30

It’s weird how it hits your self worth , more so than when you have a bust up with a mate

it shouldn’t , but it does

RadiantRainbow · 22/05/2023 23:25

Hello everyone, I would like to join and ask for advice. Nearly two years out of a long and abusive second marriage, never been on a date in my life, basically was married all my adult life.
Never even had sex with anyone I wasn't in a relationship with if you don't count making out as a teenager. I don't feel ready for a relationship, but getting bored of being single, want something casual but not sure if I can relax enough and enjoy myself doing the casual sexual thing? Sort of want interesting company and to look forward to spending my child-free evenings with someone I like.

I am in a smallish town and have several quandaries...my opportunities to travel to meet someone are limited, but locally I do wonder about meeting people on the apps, not matching in real life and then having to bump into each other in all the same pubs and same walks people go on locally. If you live relatively rurally, are you happy to meet up with people who are very local, are there more benefits or downsides to it?

Another one, do you give your real name/age etc in your profile on the apps? I have an uncommon first name, pretty sure I am the only one in my town, and in combination with my surname I seem to be the only one (alive) in the English speaking world...that makes me very easy to find/research, even though I've now changed my facebook name. Or could being easy to find online be a good thing? Do any of you link your dating profiles(if there is such a thing, haven't downloaded any apps yet) to your social media profiles?
I don't have a middle name so if not using my real name I have to come up with a fake one and then potentially would have to explain myself to people if it gets to real life meetings? Unless I just say that such and such is my middle name? Or should I just give up and be a look-upable standout with my name? Any advice?

humblemeep · 23/05/2023 00:37

RadiantRainbow · 22/05/2023 23:25

Hello everyone, I would like to join and ask for advice. Nearly two years out of a long and abusive second marriage, never been on a date in my life, basically was married all my adult life.
Never even had sex with anyone I wasn't in a relationship with if you don't count making out as a teenager. I don't feel ready for a relationship, but getting bored of being single, want something casual but not sure if I can relax enough and enjoy myself doing the casual sexual thing? Sort of want interesting company and to look forward to spending my child-free evenings with someone I like.

I am in a smallish town and have several quandaries...my opportunities to travel to meet someone are limited, but locally I do wonder about meeting people on the apps, not matching in real life and then having to bump into each other in all the same pubs and same walks people go on locally. If you live relatively rurally, are you happy to meet up with people who are very local, are there more benefits or downsides to it?

Another one, do you give your real name/age etc in your profile on the apps? I have an uncommon first name, pretty sure I am the only one in my town, and in combination with my surname I seem to be the only one (alive) in the English speaking world...that makes me very easy to find/research, even though I've now changed my facebook name. Or could being easy to find online be a good thing? Do any of you link your dating profiles(if there is such a thing, haven't downloaded any apps yet) to your social media profiles?
I don't have a middle name so if not using my real name I have to come up with a fake one and then potentially would have to explain myself to people if it gets to real life meetings? Unless I just say that such and such is my middle name? Or should I just give up and be a look-upable standout with my name? Any advice?

I live in a fairly small town, I always have my home town as another town very nearby. I used a different name too, I feel it is something you could explain afterwards if you got it off with someone. I've not bumped into anyone I dated yet, but then I didn't date very many tbh, but I'd just smile and say hello if I did, I never ended it in bad terms.

humblemeep · 23/05/2023 00:39

Forgot to say, I didn't link my social media to my dating accounts, I worried I'd not get rid of them afterwards if I wanted to!

Original poster
PinkIdentity · 23/05/2023 09:29

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 21:30

It’s weird how it hits your self worth , more so than when you have a bust up with a mate

it shouldn’t , but it does

It does…but remember you weren’t that keen on him either. There was no emotional involvement either as it was just FB arrangement…the Friend side never developed. Forget him

OP posts:
Garysmum · 23/05/2023 14:28

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 21:30

It’s weird how it hits your self worth , more so than when you have a bust up with a mate

it shouldn’t , but it does

Hugs.

Oh boy do I know this. Even though my last iron just left me thinking he was weird/ an idiot for his behaviour, being dumped really made me feel like I just wasn't good enough. It wasn't rational but it was not pleasant.

Garysmum · 23/05/2023 14:30

@RadiantRainbow I date under another first name and use a nearby town too (I live in a small village). I feel safer doing that.

RadiantRainbow · 23/05/2023 22:51

Thank you for the name/location advice.

I find the rules in the pinned post are awesome, but actually developing a thick skin on demand is a different matter...even a tiny rejection soon after starting a chat with someone where you yourself know it's not gonna go anywhere if you get rejected first it can affect your whole day!
Though psychologically and rationally it can be explained, a rejection from "the tribe" is a threat to our survival, the danger of it is felt on subconscious instinctive level, it must just trigger us primally...and it never happened in the history of humankind that we'd have to experience rejection again and again, we are just biologically not ready for this!

RadiantRainbow · 23/05/2023 23:10

I was listening to a podcast on ghosting today and the author mentioned that you can not know a person deeply and properly until you've seen them interact with about two thirds of their main circle, friends and family.

She said when you are getting to know each other in a bubble of just two of you it would not provide you with a 3-D of seeing them operate in their normal environment day-to-day. I've never really thought of it ...it was actually meeting ex-H's friends at the point when I was greatly hesitating about us that convinced me he must be a good bloke because some of his friends were so lovely. And that his family all knew how to "do family", parents seemed in love with each other etc.

Only giving it sufficient time started exposing skeletons in the closet...I wonder if I would be fooled now if I met someone who seemed to have genuine friendships and a solid family background? I guess it is all only applicable if you are thinking of getting properly serious and having an actual romantic relationship with someone, it's better to find out as much as possible before you commit deeper. It's tricky because you don't want them to have free access to private precious areas of your life until you seriously like them and feel you can trust them, on the other hand neither of you potentially can get to know each other properly and make an informed opinion unless you do give each other access to the fullness of each other's lives...

guineacup · 24/05/2023 06:29

PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 18:28

Cheesecake…don’t get too invested until you know A LOT MORE. 4 dates and no surname? WTF!

I'm not sure what the issue is with the surname and 4 dates. It's often been 4 dates or more before surnames happen to be mentioned. It means nothing at all! I mean it's hardly normal early date conversation (well not to me or any of my dates anyway!)

guineacup · 24/05/2023 06:51

CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 18:13

My gut is telling me he is married, and this is why...

  1. His WhatsApp photo is blank (just the grey icon)
  2. He's not told me any really personal information about himself past the superficial stuff (like interests etc). I don't even know his surname.
  3. He only seems to be available just before work starting, just as he has finished work but before he's gone home, and late at night.
  4. He doesn't call, only WhatsApp

BUT, I am questioning myself because...

  1. His son has seen me holding his hand when we went for a walk, his teenage son was in the park with his friends at the same time.
  2. We live in a small town and he's on OLD - there's noway other women in our town hasn't seen it and recognised him/a potential wife.
  3. I parked outside his house when we went to dinner near his.

Friends tell me he's just not a tester, just way more chilled than i am and that's how it is when someone just goes with the flow. And it's only been 4 dates, so definitely not at a stage where we have an importance in each other's lives. I've gone back to swiping anyway, just to distract myself.

Being wary and on your guard is good, but based on what you've written I think you're being a little paranoid (as are some other posters) and there are no red flags here in my opinion, especially after just 4 dates! That's not to say that you shouldn't be cautious, especially at this early stage. In particular, if he was married, he wouldn't have let you park outside his house or be holding hands with you in a place his son could see (irrespective of age).

1) His WhatsApp photo is blank (just the grey icon). This means nothing. I have a grey icon just because I haven't been bothered to include an image. Quite how this indicates that someone may be cheating I don't know!

He's not told me any really personal information about himself past the superficial stuff (like interests etc). I don't even know his surname.

As I wrote in a PP, not knowing his surname after 4 dates doesn't mean anything sinister. As for "really personal information", it's only been 4 dates... though if he guy was emotionally available, id expect him to be forthcoming soon. The lack of anything at this stage is your biggest concern imo, but that could just be caution on his part.

3. He only seems to be available just before work starting, just as he has finished work but before he's gone home, and late at night.
So he's messaging you at various points through the day... That's good! Various posters on here have said they feel even once daily messages are too intense early on! If he's got childcare responsibilities he's probably busy on the evenings - I know I am.

4. He doesn't call, only WhatsApp
I've been OLD since February... I'm a guy btw, and none of the women I've dated have ever called or suggested calling, not one, and I've had got to the 4 dates+ stage twice (with the current one still going well🙂) That's fine by me as I'm not really a caller myself. From my experience it seems most people aren't into calling these days.

guineacup · 24/05/2023 06:59

PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 18:27

Something is not right. He could tell his son you are friend or whatever…kids are very innocent. The calling pattern is interesting

If he was so young and innocent that he'd be taken in by the "Daddy was just holding hands with a special friend" line, he'd be young enough to innocently tell his Mum "I saw Daddy in the park today with a lady - they were holding hands!" 🤷‍♂️

You're unnecessarily fuelling the paranoia here...

Harrypewter · 24/05/2023 07:05

If it doesn't feel right, it's not right.
Thats it.
A way back the counselor and I were discussing this, we have innate human responses for a reason. Personally, I've either ignored red flags or these responses and it has never turned out well.
Especially in modern times when there's either subterfuge or negative relationship experience. Relationships should feel safe and build trust, not anxiety.

guineacup · 24/05/2023 07:35

Harrypewter · 24/05/2023 07:05

If it doesn't feel right, it's not right.
Thats it.
A way back the counselor and I were discussing this, we have innate human responses for a reason. Personally, I've either ignored red flags or these responses and it has never turned out well.
Especially in modern times when there's either subterfuge or negative relationship experience. Relationships should feel safe and build trust, not anxiety.

I agree that if something doesn't feel right, it's not right, and things shouldn't be overlooked or ignored, but sometimes that can be an issue we need to address in ourselves (like being unreasonably suspicious) rather than a problem with the other person.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/05/2023 07:35

RadiantRainbow

honestly you toughen up
i was the same and you learn to be way more selective on who you match with and talk to

i know what you mean , someone I would never have dated anyway asked me a question and unmatched me when he didn’t like my answer !

I was dumped Sunday by someone i was having a fling with ! But a few days in I can see that i (me) should have walked when i saw the 🚩

Im just saying everyone has this when they start , and we figure it out

if nothing else OLD is a boot camp for the mental health boundary training

Thisisworsethananticpated · 24/05/2023 07:51

the convo with Harry and Guinea is interesting

ill confess i also saw no issues with the iron in question either 🤷‍♀️

the thing to determine is ‘am I seeing red flags For a genuine reason’ OR am I seeing red flags because I’ve been hurt , haven’t processed it and am very insecure

also let’s be honest everyone’s been hurt

it’s not a badge of honour or something unique

it’s a fact for everyone dating post DVCE

CheesecakeAddict · 24/05/2023 09:59

guineacup · 24/05/2023 06:51

Being wary and on your guard is good, but based on what you've written I think you're being a little paranoid (as are some other posters) and there are no red flags here in my opinion, especially after just 4 dates! That's not to say that you shouldn't be cautious, especially at this early stage. In particular, if he was married, he wouldn't have let you park outside his house or be holding hands with you in a place his son could see (irrespective of age).

1) His WhatsApp photo is blank (just the grey icon). This means nothing. I have a grey icon just because I haven't been bothered to include an image. Quite how this indicates that someone may be cheating I don't know!

He's not told me any really personal information about himself past the superficial stuff (like interests etc). I don't even know his surname.

As I wrote in a PP, not knowing his surname after 4 dates doesn't mean anything sinister. As for "really personal information", it's only been 4 dates... though if he guy was emotionally available, id expect him to be forthcoming soon. The lack of anything at this stage is your biggest concern imo, but that could just be caution on his part.

3. He only seems to be available just before work starting, just as he has finished work but before he's gone home, and late at night.
So he's messaging you at various points through the day... That's good! Various posters on here have said they feel even once daily messages are too intense early on! If he's got childcare responsibilities he's probably busy on the evenings - I know I am.

4. He doesn't call, only WhatsApp
I've been OLD since February... I'm a guy btw, and none of the women I've dated have ever called or suggested calling, not one, and I've had got to the 4 dates+ stage twice (with the current one still going well🙂) That's fine by me as I'm not really a caller myself. From my experience it seems most people aren't into calling these days.

Show quote history

Thanks, this is a very interesting and reassuring post.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/05/2023 15:40

Happy final BH weekend threadies
to those dating , swiping , ghosted , on the bench or not dating

I’m currently in bench mode
id say two ‘completions’ in a week merits a hiatus 🥴

until I get bored /horny and refresh profile

Mapleunicorn · 26/05/2023 16:23

So I met my perfect on paper date this week. So disappointing. I think the term is kittenfished? Photos were from 5+ years ago. And he was shorter too. Sigh. I get why people are tempted to do that but what do they honestly expect is going to happen? It just feels so disingenuous

LuckyLinda3 · 26/05/2023 20:55

Dating really can be so frustrating, I feel for you @Mapleunicorn but stay with it. We met last week and had a good talk, still feels like there is distance between us from my part but I suppose his silence has brought that about. He said all the right things but I'm wondering will he deliver what I need going forward. I'm not stressed about it so am happy to see what happens in the short term. We are still struggling to get time mid week too so I guess a degree of patience is required and it is not always my strong point.

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