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Original poster

Summer is going to be great for OLDaters and friends

984 replies

PinkIdentity · 08/05/2023 13:02

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. Know your worth.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 12:56

@PinkIdentity perhaps use this time apart to consider what you are ok with, what your boundaries are and whether he is making you fulfilled. If a friend was telling you this, would it be a relationship you'd be encouraging them to continue or one that had run its course. Did you say you'd been together a few years? I think back to my marriage and realistically I knew at about 6 years that I was no longer happy but settled and wasted another 6 years, and part of it was because I felt I'd already invested so many years, I don't want to back out now. Just don't fall into that trap

Harrypewter · 20/05/2023 15:07

Met up with Ms. Iceberg. Fwb is established, we get on in all ways. Just what we both need right now.
Fab.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/05/2023 15:08

Harrypewter

good , long may it meet needs !

userab · 20/05/2023 15:22

Can I join ?

I've been single for a long time and done a bit of dating here and there over the years but usually doesn't go past the first date as usually I'm not interested

I had a date with a guy on Thursday evening and it went really well, chemistry, time flew by and next thing were sat in the dark in a closed pub garden, he asked to see me again, said he had a great time and that I was lovely, and texted yesterday morning before I woke up to say morning and that he was looking forward to next time. We messaged a little throughout the day and this weekend he has his children and busy plans (football, bbq etc ) so I haven't heard from him today - which is fine I get that he has his kids and stuff on

But now I anxiety is starting to kick in for me, you know is he really interested in seeing me again, will I hear from him, am I missing any red flags etc

How do you keep sane in these early stages when you actually like someone?

Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 15:42

Excellent post Cheesecake…thought provoking and clear. I’m more than half way gone. And it’s true….the weight of the many years invested are a huge percentage of my predicament.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 15:45

userab · 20/05/2023 15:22

Can I join ?

I've been single for a long time and done a bit of dating here and there over the years but usually doesn't go past the first date as usually I'm not interested

I had a date with a guy on Thursday evening and it went really well, chemistry, time flew by and next thing were sat in the dark in a closed pub garden, he asked to see me again, said he had a great time and that I was lovely, and texted yesterday morning before I woke up to say morning and that he was looking forward to next time. We messaged a little throughout the day and this weekend he has his children and busy plans (football, bbq etc ) so I haven't heard from him today - which is fine I get that he has his kids and stuff on

But now I anxiety is starting to kick in for me, you know is he really interested in seeing me again, will I hear from him, am I missing any red flags etc

How do you keep sane in these early stages when you actually like someone?

Weekends with young kids are for the kids. I gather it is his weekend with them. It is important he is present with them the weekend he’s got them. Just see how things are on his free weekend! Best wishes and chill

OP posts:
userab · 20/05/2023 15:49

PinkIdentity I get that 100% I have children myself and I haven't got a issue with that at all

It's just this stupid anxiety I seem to get and the overthinking and trying to look for signs there not into it or playing me etc... stupid I know 🙄 and really wish I could overcome it

Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 16:03

userab · 20/05/2023 15:49

PinkIdentity I get that 100% I have children myself and I haven't got a issue with that at all

It's just this stupid anxiety I seem to get and the overthinking and trying to look for signs there not into it or playing me etc... stupid I know 🙄 and really wish I could overcome it

Don’t worry. We ALL have done that at one point or another. This is a good thread to vent dating anxiety!! We get it…

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/05/2023 16:21

How do you keep sane in these early stages when you actually like someone?

good question
Ive learnt that (a) I have more value than I realise (b) they are not the Center of my world and (c) relationships post divorce are VERY different to when I last dated

some space is healthy , if not critical when also working and raising kids

CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 16:40

So not heard from iron and he wanted to meet this weekend (it was me who posted about not knowing where I stand with the new iron - I have about 4 usernames on the go and posted under the wrong one). Surely if you said you wanted to see someone over the weekend, even if you couldn't meet up, you'd give an excuse rather than leave it up in the air? It'll be interesting to see if he texts me tomorrow with a last minute plan, otherwise I'm tempted to just delete his number so I can't contact him or think about it any longer. We are on day 3 and no contact, so I'm taking the hint. Although he's never been reliable with his messaging tbf, I just feel that if he can't be that excited to see me again if he can't be bothered to get into contact. Saying that, he is a single dad so I could just be jumping to conclusions and he's really busy??

Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 17:15

CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 16:40

So not heard from iron and he wanted to meet this weekend (it was me who posted about not knowing where I stand with the new iron - I have about 4 usernames on the go and posted under the wrong one). Surely if you said you wanted to see someone over the weekend, even if you couldn't meet up, you'd give an excuse rather than leave it up in the air? It'll be interesting to see if he texts me tomorrow with a last minute plan, otherwise I'm tempted to just delete his number so I can't contact him or think about it any longer. We are on day 3 and no contact, so I'm taking the hint. Although he's never been reliable with his messaging tbf, I just feel that if he can't be that excited to see me again if he can't be bothered to get into contact. Saying that, he is a single dad so I could just be jumping to conclusions and he's really busy??

He wanted to see you this weekend??? And has not send you any message…I smell a rat…sorry Cheesecake…😞

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 17:17

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/05/2023 16:21

How do you keep sane in these early stages when you actually like someone?

good question
Ive learnt that (a) I have more value than I realise (b) they are not the Center of my world and (c) relationships post divorce are VERY different to when I last dated

some space is healthy , if not critical when also working and raising kids

Worsy…what an amazing personal improvement you have had…Balkan used to really create havoc with your MH…it’s wonderful to see you so balanced.

OP posts:
userab · 20/05/2023 17:27

Pinkidentity thanks it's totally irrational and annoying when the anxiety kicks in, I keep hearing dating is meant to be fun and wish I could be more thick skinned about it but think I've been burnt so many times in the past that I can't help it

I'm also determined to not put all my eggs in one basket so I'm going to keep going on the app and chat to others and go on dates as in the past I've stopped because I've met someone that disappears within a day or so of meeting

userab · 20/05/2023 17:29

CheesecakeAddict that's so annoying, one thing I've decided is I'm not going to make vague plans if they ask to meet then I want to confirm day straight away, to many times I've had keys meet at weekend and nothing comes of it

CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 17:33

So he has now text saying he's taken the kids out of school Monday and they've gone away to do a weather-dependent hobby (think along the lines of surfing) which I'm thinking on the one hand is fair enough given it will be the first time since September they've been able to do this hobby, and it does come back to him being very spontaneous. But on the other hand, if he told school yesterday, he could have told me yesterday too, no?
I think he's either very laid back and just lives life on the spur of the moment, or he's married and he just couldn't get away from the wife this weekend.

CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 17:47

But then saying that, message was just explaining that he's going to do the hobby etc not asking to reschedule. But surely if he was trying to ghost/slow fade he would have just continued to not text? Agh I hate this.

Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 17:51

CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 17:47

But then saying that, message was just explaining that he's going to do the hobby etc not asking to reschedule. But surely if he was trying to ghost/slow fade he would have just continued to not text? Agh I hate this.

Make sure he’s not married…this is suspicious. If he had known and told school he would have told you. I can smell a rat

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 17:53

userab · 20/05/2023 17:29

CheesecakeAddict that's so annoying, one thing I've decided is I'm not going to make vague plans if they ask to meet then I want to confirm day straight away, to many times I've had keys meet at weekend and nothing comes of it

When a guy is really into you…you know and he makes a massive effort to see you or text….even if it’s just a line. Trust your gut

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/05/2023 18:03

CheesecakeAddict

im going to go against the grain and assume he’s telling the truth !

however maybe his communìcation and ways arnt for you ?
if you don’t like last minute .com (and I don’t either ) then he’ll just make you anxious

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/05/2023 18:07

PinkIdentity

thanks for saying that- but also so so ! I don’t feel balanced BUT not because of dating for a change

also this therapy it’s not for the faint hearted!

once you go honest and face your patterns - it’s helpful but also painful (revisiting those core memories ) is full on

CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 18:13

My gut is telling me he is married, and this is why...

  1. His WhatsApp photo is blank (just the grey icon)
  2. He's not told me any really personal information about himself past the superficial stuff (like interests etc). I don't even know his surname.
  3. He only seems to be available just before work starting, just as he has finished work but before he's gone home, and late at night.
  4. He doesn't call, only WhatsApp

BUT, I am questioning myself because...

  1. His son has seen me holding his hand when we went for a walk, his teenage son was in the park with his friends at the same time.
  2. We live in a small town and he's on OLD - there's noway other women in our town hasn't seen it and recognised him/a potential wife.
  3. I parked outside his house when we went to dinner near his.

Friends tell me he's just not a tester, just way more chilled than i am and that's how it is when someone just goes with the flow. And it's only been 4 dates, so definitely not at a stage where we have an importance in each other's lives. I've gone back to swiping anyway, just to distract myself.

CheesecakeAddict · 20/05/2023 18:14

Not tester, planner I mean

Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 18:27

Something is not right. He could tell his son you are friend or whatever…kids are very innocent. The calling pattern is interesting

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkIdentity · 20/05/2023 18:28

Cheesecake…don’t get too invested until you know A LOT MORE. 4 dates and no surname? WTF!

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/05/2023 08:01

CheesecakeAddict

why do you thinks he’s married ! Any man in a small Town wouldn’t advertise their infidelity on a mainstream dating app . They’d have many other ways to cheat available to them

sounds like your classic not very available single divorced dad to me 🤷‍♀️

again if his style doesn’t work , totally ok
but I wouldn’t tie yourself in knots over him so soon - this way madness lies

if you don’t trust him this early walk now

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