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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says I raped him

118 replies

CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:10

Really in need of some advice. Feeling very vulnerable right now so I'm hoping for some real advice, not to be flamed.

Things have been hard in my marriage. Before we were married our sex life deteriorated because past sexual trauma got in the way. I had counselling for this and by the time we were married things were better. 4 months after we were married I fell pregnant with our DS. I thought husband was happy about this.

5 years on and after a terrible few months my husband has told me that because we had sex when he was half asleep that I raped him to get pregnant. Apparently because I came up to bed later than him I should have known he didn't consent. And he only had sex with me when I initiated it because I'd 'deprived' him of sex for so long. I feel so awful. He's so angry all the time. I can't really get my head around this because having endured raped and sexual assault myself then idea that I've inflicted pain on someone else in this way is abhorrent. As far as I can remember, my initiating sex involved me snuggling up to him, I didn't grab him genitals or anything. If he actively responded to me then I assumed that he was enjoying it as much as me. Sometimes I did come to bed later than him, but I'm pretty sure he was always awake whilsy sex was ongoing. Is this really me molesting him? I'm thinking that maybe this is not something that we can get past. Any advice mumsnetters?

OP posts:
AtomicBlondeRose · 08/05/2023 09:11

This sounds like a typical DARVO situation where an abuser accuses someone else of abuse. I wouldn’t be surprised if you feel like aspects of your sex life with him have been abusive on his part.

twinkletoesimnot · 08/05/2023 09:12

If you didn't get him erect and physically climb on him and have sex with him asleep I don't think you raped him.

I think if you have a history of this it's totally abhorrent for him to even suggest any kind of similarity to what you describe tbh.

nurseynursery · 08/05/2023 09:12

Has this been going on for 5 years? I really don't think there's a way to fix this. I'm sorry you're going through this.

PrancerandDancer · 08/05/2023 09:12

Sounds like he is gaslighting you. Using your past to attack you with is horrific. Hope you get some RL support OP 💐

Onefootinthegroove · 08/05/2023 09:13

I'm totally gobsmacked that he has twisted you snuggling up to him as rape Is he abusive at all - does he like to twist your words to make himself the victim ?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 09:14

My ex said I ‘stole his sperm ‘
id never want to minimise anyone saying this

but the likelihood of a sexual abuse victim raping a man is low

the chances of you having low self esteem and gravitating to an abusive personality however are VERY high xx

MajesticWhine · 08/05/2023 09:15

No one here can tell you what happened in private between you.
But this : "he only had sex with me when I initiated it because I'd 'deprived' him of sex for so long" does not sound valid. It sounds like he consented at the time if he wanted sex. What is he angry about now that is bringing this anger up 5 years later?

WiffleBat · 08/05/2023 09:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:18

Thank you all so much. It shows how much I've begun to doubt myself that I've even had to ask this really. He has actually said that I've done this when he has been half asleep or asleep, but he has always been an active participant. I have never grabbed his willy or climbed on top of him, there has always been active foreplay with him involved iyswim. Am gutted that he's said this because I'm not sure I can get past it.
I think it may be because he was grabbing my boobs last year and wouldn't stop when I asked him to so I showed him something I found on here which basically said that doing that or pressuring your wife/girlfriend into sex was raped.

OP posts:
Original poster
CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:19

Onefootinthegroove · 08/05/2023 09:13

I'm totally gobsmacked that he has twisted you snuggling up to him as rape Is he abusive at all - does he like to twist your words to make himself the victim ?

Yes this is not uncommon. And am similarly gobsmacked.

OP posts:
Original poster
CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:21

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 09:14

My ex said I ‘stole his sperm ‘
id never want to minimise anyone saying this

but the likelihood of a sexual abuse victim raping a man is low

the chances of you having low self esteem and gravitating to an abusive personality however are VERY high xx

Yes, this is what he was implying. He always wanted kids, and to say this about our much wanted son is sickening.

OP posts:
Susieb2023 · 08/05/2023 09:21

DARVO.

Your marriage is over. I’m sorry but I can’t see how you can move on from this. I suspect he’s hiding something and finding a get out clause.

It will only get worse.

From what you describe its disgusting he’s labelling consensual sex - which resulted in your child - as rape as a stick to beat you with.

SoupDragon · 08/05/2023 09:22

You can't rape him as you don't have a penis.

Daleksatemyshed · 08/05/2023 09:23

Does he regret having a DC and now wants to say it was your fault because you took advantage of him,? It's nonsense to say you raped him if you cuddled him and he responded and didn't say No. It's very out of order to use your past abuse against you Op he's not a good man

Greenfairydust · 08/05/2023 09:23

You need to get yourself and your child out of this environment.

Your partner sounds deranged and abusive.

Get out before this becomes worse.

Original poster
CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:23

Susieb2023 · 08/05/2023 09:21

DARVO.

Your marriage is over. I’m sorry but I can’t see how you can move on from this. I suspect he’s hiding something and finding a get out clause.

It will only get worse.

From what you describe its disgusting he’s labelling consensual sex - which resulted in your child - as rape as a stick to beat you with.

Yes there is no coming back from this.
It is heartening to hear you all reaffirming what I know deep inside, and replying so quickly. I am grateful to you all.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/05/2023 09:24

I think you should ask him to leave.

SoupDragon · 08/05/2023 09:24

Like you say, he actively engaged in sex. I can't see that you did anything wrong. Surely if someone is actively involved (and sober) then they are consenting?

Whadda · 08/05/2023 09:24

Is he having an affair? This sounds like he’s setting up his “I never wanted a child but she tricked me into it and now I’m only staying for the kid” narrative.

Original poster
CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:24

Daleksatemyshed · 08/05/2023 09:23

Does he regret having a DC and now wants to say it was your fault because you took advantage of him,? It's nonsense to say you raped him if you cuddled him and he responded and didn't say No. It's very out of order to use your past abuse against you Op he's not a good man

I think he does regret our DS. He says he loves him, but I don't think he likes the responsibilities of parenthood.

OP posts:
sylvandweller · 08/05/2023 09:25

I'm so sorry but this relationship is dead.

I had an ex who would do this- any trauma or problems I had he had to emulate and accuse me of.

It's gross way of deflecting and minimising your trauma and ultimately, controlling you.

Try to disengage from him. Grey rock I think is the term.

Focus on building a beautiful, free future for you and your child.

And don't look back; you're not going that way.

Susieb2023 · 08/05/2023 09:28

Whadda · 08/05/2023 09:24

Is he having an affair? This sounds like he’s setting up his “I never wanted a child but she tricked me into it and now I’m only staying for the kid” narrative.

Yep my thoughts too, it’s the extreme form of the script. Rewriting parts of history.

@CompletelyUndone you need to get your ducks in a row. You know this is something you can’t move on from. This man is unsafe for you. Protect yourself from further harm and your lovely boy! You so much deserve better.

sashh · 08/05/2023 09:29

You do not have a penis therefore it is not rape.

He is abusive, so sorry OP.

Original poster
CompletelyUndone · 08/05/2023 09:29

sylvandweller And don't look back; you're not going that way.

I think this may be my new motto.

OP posts:
Villagetoraiseachild · 08/05/2023 09:29

So sorry you are going through this Op. Don't go through this alone, please, in case he gets worse. Garner all the support you can, get a counsellor if you dont have a strong support network and start planning a happy future without him.