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Original poster

Should I ignore him or let him know how much he’s hurt me?

143 replies

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:11

Recently come out of a situation with a guy who turned out to have had a girlfriend the whole time. He has hurt me very badly and I’m still trying to get my head around everything because there were 14 months of lies from him. I had hoped for a future with him but it was based on absolutely nothing.

We live quite near each other and frequent the same social places so it’s inevitable that we will bump into each other.

How should I play it if I see him? I’m naturally warm and friendly so I won’t be able to resist smiling and greeting him.

Do I let on to him how much he’s hurt me? He has set a grenade off in my life and that has impacted me, my emotional health, my eating, my children, etc. I really don’t want him to just think that he can treat people like that without consequences. Yet I don’t want to appear pathetic.

How would you handle it if you bumped into him or received contact from him?

OP posts:
Mumsnut · 08/05/2023 06:49

If you bump into him, ask ‘Is your girlfriend with you? I’m keen to meet her’ - and watch him melt away

Olivida98 · 08/05/2023 07:01

DON’T smile and greet him! And don’t tell him he’s hurt you. Ignore him altogether!

Midlander01 · 08/05/2023 07:17

Why haven't you blocked him? Are you hoping he'll contact you?

If you bump into him either ignore or ask how his girlfriend is. If she's with him, say ' Oh so you're the woman he was screwing behind my back'

Sluttypants · 08/05/2023 07:19

Op - have you read about people pleasing?
if you’re very hurt by this, then you can’t be sincerely warm and smiley. You will make yourself ill by pushing these feelings back inside and putting a smile on, it’s not healthy.

Spirographcity · 08/05/2023 07:20

NO! Not this kind of egotistical wanker who gets off on lying to women and picking up and dropping them. He won't be contrite, he'll just get a massive ego boost.

Bit ironic that you talk about not listening to someone telling you what to do, while telling them what to do...yes we've been burned by men, which is exactly why we know this stuff. If you've had a perfect experience then you know nothing. If you've been burned and think it's a good idea to unburden yourself to the very person who's repeatedly lied and betrayed you then you know nothing.

OP if you have the urge to let out all the hurt to him then write it all down in a letter but then burn it. Write down every hurt feeling. Every bit of pain. But never let him see it.

The opposite of love is indifference. Show him that. What PP have said about you being socialised into niceness is absolutely true. Too much niceness makes you a target for abusers and liars.

I'd be tempted to message him that you don't want to bump into him so if he sees you to keep out of your way. Set your boundaries. Don't let him have all the power.

He didn't even have the respect for you to hear how you felt, not picking up the phone is cowardly and disrespectful. Don't give him any respect in return.

Spirographcity · 08/05/2023 07:23

Sorry quote fail. This is in response to @ZoraMipha

GuevarasBeret · 08/05/2023 07:31

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:25

It’s just me. That’s my personality. I’m not able to be different.

Show quote history

do You not understand how much you have been disrespected. He has taken you for an idiot, and being all cozy with him just proves right.

Haughty contempt- not to let him know that he hurt you (He absolutely won’t care) but because he’s trash as a person.

Passmethpens · 08/05/2023 07:34

I’m in a similar situation.
I don’t think I’ve been cheated on (as far as I know) but has a recent situation ended because guy was pulling away and I’d started to feel undervalued. I’m pining what we had a few months ago- when he was sweet and attentive and I thought he really liked me. And I also miss the intimacy in bed.

part of me hopes (yes hopes) I bump into him as I miss him, even though I I’m worth more. But if I did, I wouldn’t know what to do or how to be.

but reading this post is useful as I’m thinking of you and what I’d advise you… and not myself. And I must say, I agree with what the majority have said. No good will good from you being nice and smiley- he however, will get a huge ego boost. By showing indifference in a calm way and acting confident (even if you don’t feel it) - that’s more likely to have some impact on him. Telling him
how much he’s hurt you also is likely NOT to have the impact that you intend, especially if he thought so little of you that he could have another girlfriend while you were together.

good luck

Passmethpens · 08/05/2023 07:39

GuevarasBeret · 08/05/2023 07:31

do You not understand how much you have been disrespected. He has taken you for an idiot, and being all cozy with him just proves right.

Haughty contempt- not to let him know that he hurt you (He absolutely won’t care) but because he’s trash as a person.

Show quote history

Yes be HAUGHTY!

I like this 😊

Puckthemagicdragon · 08/05/2023 07:45

Talk about his behaviour not its effect on you. Your behaviour was unacceptable rather than I'm so hurt by you.

mumda · 08/05/2023 07:49

He's living rent free on your head.

Stop thinking about him

Rolling your eyes and muttering wanker at him on the most effort you need to expend on him
But stop thinking about him

Consider some counseling perhaps. Or find something fun to do to keep you busy for the next few months.

violetsunrise · 08/05/2023 07:50

I’d have a bit of pride about myself OP and just ignore him, whether in person or if he contacted you by text etc.

DarrellRiversCriminalBehaviourOrder · 08/05/2023 07:58

Puckthemagicdragon · 08/05/2023 07:45

Talk about his behaviour not its effect on you. Your behaviour was unacceptable rather than I'm so hurt by you.

Yeah, I agree. People don't respond well to attempts to guilt trip them; it rarely works because they think you're trying to manipulate them and they'll just double down. You'd do better to focus on what he actually did that was objectively shitty rather than "how could you do this to me?"

Oblomov23 · 08/05/2023 07:59

I can't believe what I'm reading. Your insistence that you will still smile, just because that's your personality / demeanour and you can't do anything else, is staggering, shocking. Really sad to read. Have some counselling, ti at least try and improve your self worth. Your lack of emotional skills ti not recognise that this is not how normal people react, is worrying. Did you actually really tell him by text how hurt you were? A clever but curt cold short sharp witty sentence might be best when you next see him.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 08:09

Thank you everyone for your replies. I’m taking them all in.

OP posts:
OrangeRhymesWith · 08/05/2023 08:29

How old are you OP?

i mean this with kindness - it sounds like you've learned that the only way you're allowed to be is 'nice' and that you cannot handle any confrontation or negative/uncomfortable situations. This will, and has, led to you being walked all over. This man is clever and flattered you - he does not have low self esteem, this is a tactic that he uses to reel you in & deflect you seeing his true self, some crap like 'I just couldn't believe someone like you would even look at me'

somewhere, you've got the message that if you're nice, warm, friendly etc that's how people will accept you, - be curious about why you feel you just can't be unfriendly?

being friendly to people who have done bad things is not a good character trait. If a friend saw you being friendly to someone who hurt her, her kids would that be ok? Could you just not help smiling at someone who hurt your mum?

choose someone you admire (real or celeb etc) and act as they would if they saw someone who did the same to them. I think you would benefit from speaking to someone and building up your self esteem

TheInterceptor · 08/05/2023 08:37

How old are your children, OP? How would you want them to act in this situation? You need to demonstrate self-respect to them now in order to future-proof their own emotional health.

PennyAndThatSword · 08/05/2023 08:37

i hope you give as much headspace to the fact he’s hurt and damaged your children (as you say in your OP).

a cheating liar who keeps popping back into your lives and headspace is not worth the angst.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 09:04

I’d focus less on this (bumping into him) but more into going 1000% no contact and eradicating him from your headspace and moving into healing
so delete and block
delete all social media
bury or hide any artefacts

he messed with your head for a very long time
I’ve been there , 13 long months

have you written down in black and white the number of weekends , evenings he ruined because you were upset about him ?

Do you understand why you put up with it for so long ? I’m in the process also

its not about HIM , it’s about you moving on and learning that you can’t have another disaster like this again

you must have known for a very long time he was flaky and unavailable

im not berating you , I did the same
and no don’t tell him jack shit
he doesn’t care ! Waste of words

SVRT19674 · 08/05/2023 09:31

Blank him, he doesn´t care. He sussed you out in the first five minutes. Doormat and people pleaser. What I can´t get my head around is that you say he hurt your kids and all you can think of is smiling and being warm (yuk). If someone hurt my daughter he would be as good as dead to me. I would be smiling as I chopped his head off.

SVRT19674 · 08/05/2023 09:32

And no, he doesnt have low self esteem, quite the opposite in fact. Saying he has low self esteem is just a ruse to reel you in...

OrbandSpectacle · 08/05/2023 10:03

I think what you’re really asking is "How do I behave when I see him so he’ll choose ME"

GreyCarpet · 08/05/2023 13:25

I'm astounded that you see being 'nice' and so unboundaried to the point you'll 'smile warmly' at and greet someone who treated you appallingly as a virtue!

So your personality is 'I don't value myself and let people walk all over me'?

Great.

Fwiw, I wouldn't say anything to him. I wouldn't let him know how much he's hurt you. I'd just ignore him. That's not being rude - it's self respect.

GreyCarpet · 08/05/2023 13:28

He won't think you're the better person if you smile at him and are nice to him. Chances are he'll wonder why on earth you are smiling at him. He'll laugh to himself about what a fucking idiot you are.

If you ignore him, he won't think you are rude. Tbh, he won't think anything.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 08/05/2023 13:30

Do I let on to him how much he’s hurt me? He has set a grenade off in my life and that has impacted me, my emotional health, my eating, my children, etc. I really don’t want him to just think that he can treat people like that without consequences. Yet I don’t want to appear pathetic

Hi OP, from bitter personal experience I can tell you that there are people who will detonate a grenade under people's lives and walk away not even bothering to watch where the pieces fall, so I wouldn't assume he'll care about the consequences. Tell someone like that how much they've hurt you and they'll regard that as an achievment.

THe best you can do is work on how you ignore him and all his works.

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