Should I ignore him or let him know how much he’s hurt me?

[FeelingSad99]

Recently come out of a situation with a guy who turned out to have had a girlfriend the whole time. He has hurt me very badly and I’m still trying to get my head around everything because there were 14 months of lies from him. I had hoped for a future with him but it was based on absolutely nothing.

We live quite near each other and frequent the same social places so it’s inevitable that we will bump into each other.

How should I play it if I see him? I’m naturally warm and friendly so I won’t be able to resist smiling and greeting him.

Do I let on to him how much he’s hurt me? He has set a grenade off in my life and that has impacted me, my emotional health, my eating, my children, etc. I really don’t want him to just think that he can treat people like that without consequences. Yet I don’t want to appear pathetic.

How would you handle it if you bumped into him or received contact from him?

@Dontknownow86

I get where you are coming from, as in understand what you mean,

What if for example it's a former partner or boyfriend, who gets off, (as in gets a real psychological kick out of instigating dramas of all types ,
Someone with that kind of Personality disorder type,
Not sure what type of Personality disorders this type of behaviour 🤔 comes under, Spectrum,?

My former ex Partner was classic one for doing this psychological mind games fuckery kind of stuff...

I think if you are dealing with thus type, do not show that type of Twat ,(fuck wit ect,
that he has hurt you,

Best way to deal with this, is to act as if he just does not exist in your world anymore, like he is a ghost , in all respective he is dead to you ect..

Or even going and introducing yourself to his girlfriend and explain the situation so that she knows. It’s only fair…

@FeelingSad99

It sounds as if you have been conditioned so much to such extant, by cultural upbringing or and society general, in regards of gender societal niceties of what society expects of females to be like in a sexist way,

that you have brainwashed to believe you need to act 🎬 as in be like that , even if someone has been a total Arsehole 💩💩💩💩 towards you,

Just to let you know,

You don't have to be like a Contorist like at a big top circus, to fit in to whatever society or cultral upbringing dicatates to you to be like, especially when someone mistreated you like this one has..

Take care @FeelingSad99

With the text I think it depends what he texts you. If it’s something which makes clear that you had a 14 month relationship recently, that it ended when you found out that he had a girlfriend, and that he’s trying to get back with you. I’d probably suggest screen shotting it and sending it to his girlfriend!

I was in a relationship with a guy like this years ago, found out he cheated the whole time (and fathered a child)

Honestly I made a fool of myself when I first found out (crying, hysterical begging) Took me a very long time to get over it all. I have seen him since, just remained polite and neutral. These saddos are insecure little toads, I imagine he will get an ego boost thinking he 'got away with it' or that you were pining for him. They are emotionally immature and trying to bring their awarness to it is pointless.

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP, absolutely horrible but you will come out the other side with time. Now married to an absolute gent who taught me that I am worth so much more than a grubby little twat with no moral compass.

You smile at him all you want, in months and years to come you will smile at the fact you dodged a massive bullet with this manchild dickhead - I guarantee it x

Well clearly you don't. Because it would involve not being friendly and smiley towards him, which you consider "rude". OP, I'm confused as to what you want here.

Why would you not tell his girlfriend he hurt you and she deserves to know if she doesn't already.

Text message: how are you?
reply: why are you asking? How do you think? I guess I’m just like most women who thought they were in a relationship for over a year but actually he is a lying cheating asshole who thinks two timing me is ok because his girlfriend hasn’t always been faithful. Spoiler alert- it’s not ok and you’re a dick. Have a terrible life.

but it sounds like you will instead put a smile emoji and say great thanks!! 😊😊
because you want to be ‘true to yourself’. Frankly if I realised my self was that kind of doormat, I’d want to be anything but true to myself. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but don’t you think you could stand up for yourself once? You do not have to smile at anyone, ever, and that is in your control.

Or the alternative perspective is that as a woman I have never had any desire or motivation to "fix" some arsehole bloke who's lied to me, so no way would I waste my energy going nuclear.

It wouldn't be walking away with my head held high, it would be showing not a single flicker of recognition. A bloke would be delighted to see a woman going nuclear, that plays right into their hands. Far better to not give a shit, and show that you don't give a shit by being completely meh.

Definitely smiling while giving the finger.
And smiling while mute from mouth!
Ghost him; look through him, smiling if you must.

He used you yet you seem almost to hope to be back friendly again. What did you gain? You were forced into being deceiptful and wasting your time and affections.
This guy will lie to all and sundry to get what he wants.

Make plans to see your friends every week and start new habits of going out to new places that you like with your friends.

Always ask the big questions early in a new relationship - on date one or two.

Are you seeing anyone else? Are you a drug taker or a smoker? (if that matters to you)? Ask all questions that are absolute deal breakers - which will depend on your lifestyle and beliefs. Would you like kids one day? Vegan? Is religion important? Is porn important? Have you been in gaol? etc. etc. Don't be tricked into wasting your time in another realationship that is doomed to fail.

He broke your heart and your heart is invaluable to you.
You don't owe this loser any more of your smiles.
Don't feel bad about that.

I really don’t want him to just think that he can treat people like that without consequences. Yet I don’t want to appear pathetic.

You'll do exactly that by smiling and greeting him. Acknowledging him in any way, let alone warmly, will do exactly that. If you want him to know he has hurt you, you have to show it with your actions.

The best revenge on this type of egotistical, using clod, is to imagine, when you see him, that you’re looking a disgusting, steaming pile of shit.
think these words in your head: “oh he’s so unattractive. What was I thinking?” No matter how you feel, just run those words through your head.
make sure not to give him more than a glance.

their egos CANNOT take being thought little of.

he’s a little Bug who deserves a little squirt of bug spray, and move on to think about better things. He’s such a nothing - a man who would cheat on someone and use you, is an absolute nothing.

being friendly will lead him to believe you’re still interested. Telling him he hurt you, or sending him angry messages, will give him an ego boost.

he’s just a little bug - squash him and move on.

"off in my life and that has impacted me, my emotional health, my eating, my children, etc."
The impact of this on your life is disproportionate. You were with him for 14months. Lets assume you are 30. You were with him for about 4% of your life. Assuming the first 4 months were getting to know each other, this reduces to 3%. But only if you allow him to take that much (after all you didn't spend every living moment with him which would take that percentage even lower!). He did not give you a kidney. He wasnt a life saver. So he doesn't deserve this lifespace you are giving him in your life. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. You owe yourself far more than you are giving yourself. Shake it out. Each day, consciously shake it out when it creeps in. There's no need to tell him how much he hurt you. He will neither understand nor care. It will just boost his ego and he might even try to rope you back in.

This is exactly right. OP I know that you are gentle and warm person, but it's also OK let someone know that they hurt you, and can be an important stage of healing. If you feel that might be cathartic for you, then maybe you should tell him.

There are a lot of people on mumsnet who have been burned by men a lot. Don't let them tell you that you should behave a certain way. You need to do what is true to you and your personality.

Just bear in mind that letting some of this out might help you to feel a bit better.

Have you had any counselling? That might also be a good way to help you work through things and also to talk about why you find it so difficult to show someone who has really hurt you how they made you feel.

Yes. You are. I think you really need to examine why you do this - its not healthy to suppress your emotions constantly- it can make people physically ill over time. Did you have parents that punished you for not being polite/good? habit of people pleasing? you absolutely can change- its possible. Personally, I'd forget this bellend and work focus on yourself instead. Read the book "not nice" by aziz gazipura, its about how to break the habit of chronic people pleasing and start having healthy boundaries.

If you're angry and you see him randomly at the theatre, then you wouldn't smile and be friendly. Because smiling and being friendly isn't being true to who you are -- you're angry.

He won't be able to contact you because you have blocked him on every available platform. At least I hope you have. And if you haven't -- why?

You could message his wife/partner and tell her what he's been doing for the last 14 months. That should make him sit up and take notice. That'll get through to him.

Telling him how much he's hurt you won't have any impact on him at all and certainly won't stop him doing this again

Telling him how much he's hurt you won't have any impact on him at all and certainly won't stop him doing this again

I agree. He doesnt give a shit- if he cared about not hurting people he wouldnt have done it in the first place! People that behave like this arent suddenly going to have an epiphany and break down in tears and be overwhelmed with regret. If he's a narc, he will only use any outburst from the OP as further fuel for his own amusement/entertainment and it will make him feel more powerful. The best revenge is living well, acting as if he doesnt exist and is nothing more than a turd on the pavement/

Haven't you posted about this before?

I can understand some people are generally just naturally friendly, but the way it comes across in this post (constantly repeating how warm and friendly your nature is) is like it has been conditioned and you tell yourself and others it over and over. Something about the way it has been portrayed doesn't sit right with me and seems a bit fake, for lack of a better word, I was cringing reading the different ways you canonise yourself.

A - He's not going to contact you, but block him on everything anyway. (Something tells me you won't because you want him to contact you)
B - He's not got low self esteem! He just liked all your ego-boosting efforts anyway.
C - Telling him you are hurting will be a massive ego-boost to him and make you look sadly pathetic.

So what do you do?
Block him on everything
If you bump into him, then he has become invisible to you. You are unable to see him or hear him. Turn away and ignore. He is a stranger that you've never met speaking a language you cannot understand.
Don't be nice to him, be nothing.

Honestly you sound like you're still hanging on/think you might be getting back together. Your post reads to me that you're wondering the best way to act to make him want you again and this constant thinking about him contacting you or bumping into him sounds like you are fantasising about it (I'm sure we have all been there).

I don't believe you that it's your personality that you're happy and smiley no matter what. Would you be warm and smiley at a platonic friend who had had sex with your partner? A person who had hurt your pet? Hurt your child? A genocidal dictator?

Of course there is a line that someone would cross that would stop you being smiley with them. There just must be.

Being warm and smiley no matter what isn't a personality trait. At best it's being a pushover and at worst (see examples above) it's insanity.

I really feel like you're asking advice on how to make him regret choosing her. Now maybe (hopefully) in your fantasy you then tell him to get lost but it doesn't matter really. You're not going to get the moment you're hoping for.

He lied and cheated. He chose her. If he hadn't chosen her he would have left her at some point over those 14 months. You should really block him on everything. If you bump into him I would literally just turn around the other way and walk off or completely blank him. Or go for the nuclear option. Acting cool just reinforces his idea that what he did wasn't that bad.

It's really not been very long and it's understandable you're still hurting and reeling. But contact with him will not help. Either block and ignore or go full nuclear and destroy any chance of it being amicable. I'd go for the former personally but secret option number 3 to be cool and smiley and make him realise how much he's hurt you and regret his behaviour isn't really an option. He's a lying cheat and the only person whose actions you can control are yours.

"Should I let him know how much he's hurt me?", "I will smile at him and be friendly".

Well, smiling and being friendly with him just says everything's fine isn't it, so what's the point?

You can behave in one way? I find it hard to believe that anyone can only behave in one way to every single situation. Human beings are not one dimensional like that.

Like other posters I am struggling with how you didn’t know about the girlfriend for fourteen months when you live so close by and move in the same circles. If bumping into him now is such a likely possibility, how come you never bumped into them?

No response is a response, and it's a powerful one.

How did you feel when you contacted someone, badly wanting an answer of some kind, and got radio silence?

I would:
Block him on everything
Keep him blocked
If he contacts me somehow even though he is blocked, I would ignore him.
If you bump into him I would ignore him.

What are you on about you'd smile warmly at him and you wouldn't be able to stop yourself because it would mean pretending to be someone else? Ya what? Surely it's the opposite and it would take effort to smile at someone you don't like? makes no sense. How about you take from now until this hypothetical time in the future to practice not smiling at assholes you encounter on the streets.

I think you're overthinking anyways. You may not even bump into him again. I don't bump into my
Exes constantly even though we're from the same city. Cities are pretty big. It's easy to avoid someone. If I see someone I don't like in asda it's very easy to turn down another aisle and not draw attention to myself, I don't have to go "smile warmly" at them 😂😂😂😂😂