Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I ignore him or let him know how much he’s hurt me?

143 replies

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:11

Recently come out of a situation with a guy who turned out to have had a girlfriend the whole time. He has hurt me very badly and I’m still trying to get my head around everything because there were 14 months of lies from him. I had hoped for a future with him but it was based on absolutely nothing.

We live quite near each other and frequent the same social places so it’s inevitable that we will bump into each other.

How should I play it if I see him? I’m naturally warm and friendly so I won’t be able to resist smiling and greeting him.

Do I let on to him how much he’s hurt me? He has set a grenade off in my life and that has impacted me, my emotional health, my eating, my children, etc. I really don’t want him to just think that he can treat people like that without consequences. Yet I don’t want to appear pathetic.

How would you handle it if you bumped into him or received contact from him?

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 01:38

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:34

Yes I hadn’t really planned on giving that vibe in person. It was more if he contacts me and asks how I’m doing. Probably I would just ignore him but I could be honest and say, actually I’m still really hurting because of the appalling way that you treated me.

Show quote history

You are simply giving him another chance to reject / hurt you. Don’t react at all.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:39

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 01:35

It literally doesn't make any sense. Your question was "Should I ignore him or let him know how much he's hurt me?", then you say your personality won't allow you to do anything other than smile warmly at him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

I can still use my words with him without pretending to be a different person. I can have a calm conversation with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:40

If I saw them together, I’d probably be so shocked and shaken that I wouldn’t be able to speak or smile anyway.

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 01:41

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:40

If I saw them together, I’d probably be so shocked and shaken that I wouldn’t be able to speak or smile anyway.

And it will have ZERO impact on him.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:42

I think on reflection my question is more about if he contacts me by text or email. Do I let on how much pain he’s caused or act completely unbothered because I have ‘moved on’? The latter lets him get away with it though.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:43

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 01:41

And it will have ZERO impact on him.

Show quote history

I think he’d feel uncomfortable and he’d brace himself in case I made a scene.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 01:43

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:42

I think on reflection my question is more about if he contacts me by text or email. Do I let on how much pain he’s caused or act completely unbothered because I have ‘moved on’? The latter lets him get away with it though.

Why would he contact you at all? Just try to move on.

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 01:43

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:43

I think he’d feel uncomfortable and he’d brace himself in case I made a scene.

Show quote history

And what will you get out of it?

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:45

When the whole thing came to light I was angry and confronted him by text. It called him and he wouldn’t pick up so it played out by text. My last few texts were angry but dignified.

He has incredibly low self esteem so probably has no idea how much I liked him. He’s probably convinced himself that I wasn’t that bothered by the whole thing!

OP posts:
Dontknownow86 · 08/05/2023 01:46

All I'll say op is I recently massively laid into an ex via text as he was being really disrespectful to me and his new girlfriend. I was really passive with him for our whole relationship so I think he was really shocked.

I definitely tipped over into slightly psycho but it felt fantastic to take back my power somewhat and now I know he wont be darkening my door again which is a relief. Hopefully if you're crazy enough with it, he'll actively dodge you if he sees you about and you wont have to worry about smiling.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:46

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 01:43

Why would he contact you at all? Just try to move on.

Show quote history

I don’t know. For an ego boost? To see if he can still have me? Curiosity? Maybe he misses whatever it was that kept him coming to me for 14 months.

He always resurfaces.

OP posts:
Swansandcustard · 08/05/2023 01:47

If he tries to contact you…

you have surely already blocked, because why allow yourself to continue to be treated this way?

Hes shown you who he is, OP, believe him

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:47

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 01:43

And what will you get out of it?

Show quote history

What will I get out of what?

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 01:48

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:47

What will I get out of what?

Show quote history

Him bracing himself and worried about a scene? Would that help you? He has clearly made his decision.

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 01:48

He always resurfaces
How many times has he done this, then? 🤨. Have some dignity and let it go.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:49

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 01:48

Him bracing himself and worried about a scene? Would that help you? He has clearly made his decision.

Show quote history

I’m not interested in having a relationship with him. He lied to me every day for 14 months. I could never trust him. I totally accept that he’s with her and not me. We’re not compatible anyway because loyalty and honesty are important to me but they’re not important to him.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2023 01:49

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:42

I think on reflection my question is more about if he contacts me by text or email. Do I let on how much pain he’s caused or act completely unbothered because I have ‘moved on’? The latter lets him get away with it though.

Possible responses;

LOL

👍

Total silence

Who dis?

🙄

But no more than 10 characters.

AliceOlive · 08/05/2023 01:50

If you are warm and smiley to everyone then it really means nothing at all. It’s not sincere warmth.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:50

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 01:48

He always resurfaces
How many times has he done this, then? 🤨. Have some dignity and let it go.

I found out about the girlfriend 3 weeks ago. Before that he blew hot and cold. Many lessons have been learned.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:51

AliceOlive · 08/05/2023 01:50

If you are warm and smiley to everyone then it really means nothing at all. It’s not sincere warmth.

Please don’t judge me. You don’t know how I am. I’m completely sincere.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 01:51

Many lessons have been learned
It really doesn't sound like it.

Dontknownow86 · 08/05/2023 01:54

Look if he does take it as an opportunity to tell him you think he's disgusting and on reflection you were really having to lower your standards to be with him anyway and then block.

My ex kept resurfacing for an ego boost knowing I'd been heart broken at the time, so I wanted any chance of him trying his luck again to be completely dead.

MissTrip82 · 08/05/2023 01:56

Of course you can control smiling.

You don't walk up to grieving family at a funeral with a grin on your face.

I'd just run with 'hi', no smile, keep moving. No contact beyond that.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:57

I just feel angry that he can cause someone so much pain and get away with it. For me to hide how much he’s hurt me lets him continue in life without feeling bad or guilty.

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 01:58

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:57

I just feel angry that he can cause someone so much pain and get away with it. For me to hide how much he’s hurt me lets him continue in life without feeling bad or guilty.

Quite right, but when he ignores you with his GF, you will have gained no acknowledgment of this.