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Original poster

Should I ignore him or let him know how much he’s hurt me?

143 replies

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:11

Recently come out of a situation with a guy who turned out to have had a girlfriend the whole time. He has hurt me very badly and I’m still trying to get my head around everything because there were 14 months of lies from him. I had hoped for a future with him but it was based on absolutely nothing.

We live quite near each other and frequent the same social places so it’s inevitable that we will bump into each other.

How should I play it if I see him? I’m naturally warm and friendly so I won’t be able to resist smiling and greeting him.

Do I let on to him how much he’s hurt me? He has set a grenade off in my life and that has impacted me, my emotional health, my eating, my children, etc. I really don’t want him to just think that he can treat people like that without consequences. Yet I don’t want to appear pathetic.

How would you handle it if you bumped into him or received contact from him?

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 01:58

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:51

Please don’t judge me. You don’t know how I am. I’m completely sincere.

Show quote history

No, you can't possibly be sincere when you smile at people you're upset with.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:59

MissTrip82 · 08/05/2023 01:56

Of course you can control smiling.

You don't walk up to grieving family at a funeral with a grin on your face.

I'd just run with 'hi', no smile, keep moving. No contact beyond that.

Yes I could probably not smile at him but I would have to really force it. And I don’t see why I should have to pretend to be something different because of him. I would rather just be myself.

OP posts:
EllandRd · 08/05/2023 02:01

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:45

When the whole thing came to light I was angry and confronted him by text. It called him and he wouldn’t pick up so it played out by text. My last few texts were angry but dignified.

He has incredibly low self esteem so probably has no idea how much I liked him. He’s probably convinced himself that I wasn’t that bothered by the whole thing!

Stop sounding like a desperate Beg fgs. Move on and stop giving him head space.

Divorcedalongtime · 08/05/2023 02:03

If you’re tempted to smile at him you haven’t dealt with this properly. When you are starting tk heal you will not want to smile at him.

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 02:04

Yes I could probably not smile at him but I would have to really force it
And yet you claim to be really angry with him.

What's going on there? It sounds really messed up, tbh. Not remotely sincere.

Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 02:04

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 01:59

Yes I could probably not smile at him but I would have to really force it. And I don’t see why I should have to pretend to be something different because of him. I would rather just be myself.

Show quote history

So you plan to smile at him while telling him how much he hurt you?

Swansandcustard · 08/05/2023 02:06

He’s not going to feel bad or guilty if he does know how much he’s hurt you. Lying for 14 months points to an absolute lack of guilty or feeling bad. Two versions I go by:

The best revenge is to live well: move on, improve what you have and flourish without him.

Indifference beats hate every time

Why would you let someone who doesn’t understand the basics of trust and understanding have the pleasure of meaning more to you than a brief diversion?

You mean nothing to him, you really want to tell him he meant some to you?

Men like him aren’t like they are because they don’t know it’s wrong. They’re like they are because not only do they not care it is wrong, they don’t care about you.

As an adult female I can tell you categorically what kept a heterosexual male coming back to you

(it wasn’t your smile or kindness)

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 02:06

I’m still hurting. I haven’t healed yet. It was only 3 weeks ago that I found out. Each day gets a bit easier but it’s painful and I miss the person that I thought he was.

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 08/05/2023 02:07

There no value in warmth and friendliness that is offered equally to everyone, even people who have treated you poorly.

Divorcedalongtime · 08/05/2023 02:13

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 02:06

I’m still hurting. I haven’t healed yet. It was only 3 weeks ago that I found out. Each day gets a bit easier but it’s painful and I miss the person that I thought he was.

I was in a very similar situation. The sadness, missing them and hoping, hoping, and then the anger. The anger felt good and like I placed the fault with him for lying and it blaming myself but when I truly took onboard what it meant that I had meant nothing to him, nothing at all whilst he was so important to me and how he had faked that for so many years, that’s when I finally stopped missing.

it took me probably a couple of years realistically though. And I did see a therapist, not for this, in fact I made a point of not mentioning him, but just sorting out earlier childhood stuff .

but don’t smile, you will read too much into his smile back.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 02:16

Divorcedalongtime · 08/05/2023 02:13

I was in a very similar situation. The sadness, missing them and hoping, hoping, and then the anger. The anger felt good and like I placed the fault with him for lying and it blaming myself but when I truly took onboard what it meant that I had meant nothing to him, nothing at all whilst he was so important to me and how he had faked that for so many years, that’s when I finally stopped missing.

it took me probably a couple of years realistically though. And I did see a therapist, not for this, in fact I made a point of not mentioning him, but just sorting out earlier childhood stuff .

but don’t smile, you will read too much into his smile back.

Show quote history

“but don’t smile, you will read too much into his smile back.”
I hadn’t thought that far ahead but you’re probably right.
I suspect I will turn beetroot, get burning eyes from stinging tears, and just run away. Most likely much to his relief.

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 08/05/2023 02:18

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 02:16

“but don’t smile, you will read too much into his smile back.”
I hadn’t thought that far ahead but you’re probably right.
I suspect I will turn beetroot, get burning eyes from stinging tears, and just run away. Most likely much to his relief.

Show quote history

Exactly OP! Disaster for your recovery! Grieve the relationship in private.

Divorcedalongtime · 08/05/2023 02:22

FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 02:16

“but don’t smile, you will read too much into his smile back.”
I hadn’t thought that far ahead but you’re probably right.
I suspect I will turn beetroot, get burning eyes from stinging tears, and just run away. Most likely much to his relief.

Show quote history

It sucks and you’re hurting. One day you will go to bed and realise you haven’t been sad about him for that whole day, there will be many of those days, and relapses but you know your worth and he is not worth you.
I hope you heal faster than I did xx

NotMeSecretFormular · 08/05/2023 02:23

I am very warm and friendly. I would find it hard not to smile... but you say what he's done has had an impact on your kids. Game changer. How could you be nice to someone who did that? Get a grip on yourself OP. Where is your maternal instinct?! Come on now! That would put me past smiling and ready to rip the fucker a new one. Are you really that passive you'd lie down and take it? Your kids deserve a mother who always has their back, regardless of some dipshit who popped in and out of her life.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/05/2023 02:23

We’re not compatible anyway because loyalty and honesty are important to me but they’re not important to him.

What you said here is exactly what you say to him. Perhaps add that you have absolutely no desire to have lying toe rags in your life.

If you come face to face with him and feel yourself smiling at him, turn it into a faux smile and say "ah, here's the lying toe tag himself. Been bullshitting to anyone else lately?" Combined with a saccharine sweet smile that so as fake as can be.

Original poster
FeelingSad99 · 08/05/2023 02:24

Either

  1. I bump into him alone and he’s
    a) rude / unkind or
    b) warm and friendly (most likely). This then leads to either
    i) nothing (and I feel sad)
    ii) something (and I can never trust him)

  2. I bump into them together and I feel embarrassed, humiliated and upset.

No good can come from bumping into him. I hope I don’t.

OP posts:
bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 08/05/2023 02:29

I'd just blank him completely, same as I would if a stranger said hi to me. That's what he is, a stranger. You didn't actually know him because he lied to you the whole time. He showed you a facade.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 08/05/2023 02:31

Have you blocked him on everything?

I understand you saying you're warm and smiling to everyone is your personality but it's mostly how you've been socialized to behave.

Women are often punished and looked down on for expressing hurt, anger, etc.

What would someone have to do to you to not be warm and smiling towards them?

I suppose what I'm saying is that you have value and your feelings have value too.

MsRosley · 08/05/2023 02:32

I dunno, OP. This man lied to you for 14 months. I can't understand why you'd want to be friendly. Perhaps at least you could be honest, and say you were deeply hurt by his behaviour and no longer want anything to do with him. Then walk away, smiling.

ReadersD1gest · 08/05/2023 02:35

This then leads to either
i) nothing (and I feel sad)
ii) something (and I can never trust him)
You still think you're getting back together, don't you? You're sounding as though you have zero agency in your own life.
Can't stop yourself smiling at people who've treated you badly, leaving it in the other person's control as to whether you get back together...
Work on this, and stop letting life just happen to you.

Dontknownow86 · 08/05/2023 02:42

You still think you're getting back together, don't you? You're sounding as though you have zero agency in your own life.

This is partly why I advocate a psycho option and then blocking and total radio silence. Any remnants of this feeling or risk he might try and come back need to be knocked on the head.

It's so much easier to get over when there's no delusion or hope.

NewChapterHelp · 08/05/2023 02:57

I think people are coming at this the wrong way and considering what he needs/deserves too much. You’ve said that you’ve really been hurt and it’s impacting you physically and emotionally, every day in a very real way.

So what is it you need? What are the things you need to do to heal, regardless of what the optics are for anyone else, and least of all him.

If you need to tell him what he’s done to you to get it all out then you do that. If you need to block, delete and ignore then you do that. If you need to have a few stock phrases to get through and awkward interaction with him, then you sort that. Ultimately it doesn’t matter if he thinks he’s ‘won’ or whatever, and equally it isn’t your responsibility to teach him any lessons or shame him if you’re not up to it. The next steps need to be entirely focussed around your needs.

Elieza · 08/05/2023 03:08

I’d be well ignoring him. Then you don’t have to smile or be warm. He does not exist any more. Just look through him.

Your feelings are genuine. You’re allowed to have them. Whether you’re the most warm and loving person in the world or just an average person. He’s the one who should be feeling bad not you.

I’d literally not make eye contact and if I did I’d just look away quickly and completely ignore him.

All this warm stuff can still be your personality. You’re still allowed to be angry or hurt etc.too.

If you must talk, I’d be honest but succinct if he ever asked how you were and walk immediately away from him. ie ‘I’m still hurt from dating a two timing lying prick but I’m getting over it”

You deserve better. I’d probably tell him that as I finished saying my piece as I walked off smiling……but my preference would be grey rock rather than talk at all.

Groutyonehereagain · 08/05/2023 03:08

It’s nothing to do with your personality OP. We all make choices and you are clearly saying it’s your choice to be smiley and friendly. Well fuck that lovely, you need to grow a pair. You can’t go through the rest of your life taking shit and smiling and thanking wankers.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 08/05/2023 03:22

TomatoSandwiches · 08/05/2023 01:35

Fine, I think smiling whilst giving him the finger would be more impactful anyway.
😃🖕😃

Admittedly I've only done this to stbxh behind his back or as I walk out of the room as he's liable to kick off about it, but even then it does feel good. Turns the fake smile into a real one 😁.