Is this just my husband? A bit fed up but unsure how to approach

[Nonevah]

Whenever we have some free time, DH fixates on a job that he decides needs doing and will not rest until it is done.

So today for example he decides the lawns need mowing (very big garden) - fine. But then it takes up the entire day, trying to get the lawnmower to work and it won’t, buying a new lawnmower then actually mowing the lawns. Meanwhile, I’m left in sole charge of a two year old whose behaviour gets steadily worse and worse throughout the day because he’s desperately trying to interact with his dad and being ignored in favour of lawns.

In retrospect I wish I’d just gone out somewhere with the toddler but we’ve such a full weekend I wanted a quieter day. It’s quite hurtful being just sort of left.

I don’t know if I’m making much sense, is it just me?

Seems like he is making himself 'busy' so he can evade anything he doesn't want to do. Like spending family time with his dc.

Swap next time? You do the lawn, he looks after his DC, only fair. Can you try to get busy with some jobs while he behaves as a father should now and then? I love to hear when a man wants DC's but only if a woman will look after them for him. So wrong and yet happens so often.

Very common, OP.

Yep, it's strategic and practised by the majority of men around the world. It helps them avoid family time and childcare at any cost. It's also pretty much incurable as the only treatment is threat of divorce and that has a poor success rate as it's seen as a bonus rather than a threat.

Yep, it's strategic and practised by the majority of men around the world. It helps them avoid family time and childcare at any cost. It's also pretty much incurable as the only treatment is threat of divorce and that has a poor success rate as it's seen as a bonus rather than a threat.

This is not my experience at all. Having spent most of the week at work (except for the mornings, when he feeds the kids breakfast and gets the older one ready for school while I'm in the shower and then does the school run, and the evenings when he bathes both children and puts our oldest to bed) my husband spends most of his free time with the kids. Your husband seems to be trying to avoid parenting, OP. It's not OK.

So say " look mowing the lawn took all day yesterday, toddler wanted their dad, tomorrow, it being a bank holiday (in UK) it's you and them. They need their dad not their dad doing jobs all day, yeah"

Week or so ago, I saw a TikTok video where a woman’s husband had invited big group of his family to dinner, without talking about it to his wife.
He just happily gathered all these people to come over, happily leaving the wife (they also had kids) to clean the whole house (MIL is judgy apperently) and to cook to all these people.
And what did the husband do?
He went to blow some leafs from the backyard!
The wife filmed this, there were no leafs there to begin with.

And the whole comment sections was filled with women saying how this is exactly their husband!
They dissapear to do some meaningless task to avoid doing something usefull.

Awful behaviour.

The women should stop facilitating this.

I have had that conversation with my husband, as when he does DIY/gardening, I'm left to take care of our toddler for the day. So I recognise these jobs need to be done and he recognises that this can't happen every weekend or else it's not fair on me. So we agree in advance now a specific task (ie painting the bathroom ceiling), and we set a day for it, so I can plan my day too. Now it's usually every 6 weeks or so.
Or you buy time by having a gardener/cleaner etc.

It’s this I’m afraid.

@SinglePonders plenty of women do this exact same thing - when people are coming round insisting on cleaning things which are clearly already clean.

Make sure not to have another child with him. He won't change.

Actually my OH also does this, for no other reason than he likes to decide what he's doing and then do it. This can be at a detriment to the things he wants to do, but once he starts something, he has to see it through, and once he thinks of a job that needs doing, that's it. Even if I'm sat watching TV, or putting my feet up, he's finishing the garden or tidying the kitchen or whatever it is, till its done.

That's his personality or his character. Perhaps OCD but doubtful. Still love the bugger though lol

You should be asking yourself why you tolerate this.

Yep my DH is like this.
I was left with 3 DC to mind while I was very sick with COVID while he sorted out the garage.
He thinks it's ok because he's doing something productive.

Yup DH is exactly like this, thankfully DS no longer small so it's less of an issue.

We’ve separated but I used to send the kids out to him regardless.

I noticed more and more that the kids would walk past him to me to ask for what they needed, to chat etc etc

Busy work to avoid the domestic shit that actually needs doing - laundry, childcare, supermarket etc

My now ex husband does it. Now we have split, he cannot compute that even if he mows the (small) lawn, he still needs to go to the supermarket. We currently have a nesting arrangement in place and yesterday he lost the plot and accused me of “constantly fucking him over” bc I declined to do his supermarket shopping for him 🤡

Surely the jobs need doing. I’d be grateful to have a DH who sets to and does the jobs. The lawn won’t mow itself.

Same! I used to send my children out with their little lawn mowers or tool box to help dad! I’d usually go and get involved too. In all fairness, my DH was happy for this. All because when I was young, my dad was absent even while at home, and I’d walk straight by him to my mum. I didn’t want that for my own children.

But the poster who said that a lot of males worldwide do this to avoid childcare/family time is very accurate.

How very dare you refuse to do his shopping. You animal! 😂

I totally agree. Presumably he's at work during the week so is using his weekend to get stuf done. Why sit around the house waiting. Get the kids in the garden, paint rocks, give them a watering can or a paint brush and a bucket of water so they can ' paint' the fence or patio. Pour yourself some wine, give your husband a beer and make the best of it.

Maybe the op is at work during the week too? I have small children and I’m at work during the week, and I’d say absolutely hte lawn needs doing , so does x y and z inside the house that unlike the lawn ive discussed with you in advance so here are your children I’ll be inside sorting x.

Pour your husband a beer 😂🤪

@Codlingmoths Yeah I get that op is probably at work too. She wasn't saying the problem was she wanted to get stuff done. The problem was she was stuck inside with the kid and had wanted a quiet day. So to me the obvious solution is to go outside so the kid is occupied, they can all spend some time together & she can get a little time to chill.