Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this just my husband? A bit fed up but unsure how to approach

104 replies

Nonevah · 07/05/2023 18:28

Whenever we have some free time, DH fixates on a job that he decides needs doing and will not rest until it is done.

So today for example he decides the lawns need mowing (very big garden) - fine. But then it takes up the entire day, trying to get the lawnmower to work and it won’t, buying a new lawnmower then actually mowing the lawns. Meanwhile, I’m left in sole charge of a two year old whose behaviour gets steadily worse and worse throughout the day because he’s desperately trying to interact with his dad and being ignored in favour of lawns.

In retrospect I wish I’d just gone out somewhere with the toddler but we’ve such a full weekend I wanted a quieter day. It’s quite hurtful being just sort of left.

I don’t know if I’m making much sense, is it just me?

OP posts:
ohfook · 08/05/2023 07:28

Mine does this too. It's very annoying.

Gymmum82 · 08/05/2023 07:31

You need to spell it out to him. ‘I am going to be out of the house from 9am to 12pm on Sunday. You will have the child’ then leave. He will continue to do this unless you stop him. Or divorce him. Those are your options. He doesn’t get to check out of parenting every weekend in favour of jobs.
My DH mowed 2 lawns yesterday and weeded the garden while simultaneously looking after 2 kids alone. Because he’s a parent and I wasn’t there. Start not being there

aveline161 · 08/05/2023 07:32

Just some solidarity- I honestly screamed the words ‘you just do this to avoid spending time with the children’ at him while he was pointlessly cleaning the kitchen for the 100th time that day and got ‘how fucking dare you!’ and a broken plate….but he did then storm off to spend time with the kids 😂 so maybe a kick up the bum or reality check is needed

MsWhitworth · 08/05/2023 07:33

When you wake up on the morning, is there a conversation about what’s going to happen that day? So he says ‘I need to mow the lawn’ and you say ‘I need to get some milk and send this birthday present’? And you work out between you how those things will get done.

If not, you need to start that as part of your routine. Set out what needs doing and who’s doing it and you can change the dynamic that way.

Original poster
Nonevah · 08/05/2023 07:33

The only time that ‘works’ is if it’s a prearranged night out with friends. In any case, I don’t want a rota system, me out him in, him out me in, I just would like a bit of communication.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonevah · 08/05/2023 07:35

@MsWhitworth the problem is he doesn’t really. He might say I need to mow the lawn but then it takes four / five hours which is so annoying

OP posts:
Hibye23289 · 08/05/2023 07:36

That is annoying and hurtful, at least he was actually doing something productive, my lazy arse exh would just stay in bed!! Don't know which is worse! Both as bad.

GoodVibesHere · 08/05/2023 07:37

Gymmum82 · 08/05/2023 07:31

You need to spell it out to him. ‘I am going to be out of the house from 9am to 12pm on Sunday. You will have the child’ then leave. He will continue to do this unless you stop him. Or divorce him. Those are your options. He doesn’t get to check out of parenting every weekend in favour of jobs.
My DH mowed 2 lawns yesterday and weeded the garden while simultaneously looking after 2 kids alone. Because he’s a parent and I wasn’t there. Start not being there

Thing is I suspect the OP would like some level of spontaniety and not have to 'give notice'. Also OP may want to simply chill out at home rather than be out of the house (doing what?) for 3 hours. Or go somewhere with her DH and kids.

Greycloudlooming · 08/05/2023 07:46

OP. Do an online click and collect grocery order. Tell your husband that you’re going to the supermarket and he needs to look after DC. Go to a coffee shop or wherever for some me time. I know it’s not in the comfort of your own home but it’s hella relaxing!

MathsNervous · 08/05/2023 07:50

Nonevah · 08/05/2023 07:33

The only time that ‘works’ is if it’s a prearranged night out with friends. In any case, I don’t want a rota system, me out him in, him out me in, I just would like a bit of communication.

Sort it all out the day before. Make sure you are very clear on what you will be doing so he has DC. Just be matter if fact about it.

Original poster
Nonevah · 08/05/2023 07:53

@Greycloudlooming I do get you want to help but answers saying ‘just do this’ show they don’t really grasp what’s happening here. And it can be hard to explain without understanding. So if I’d told him yesterday I need to go out to get a click and collect I would get OK, just let me finish doing the lawn. X 100 - if he was around at all and hadn’t vanished to get the lawnmower or this spare part or that spare part. If I genuinely had a click and collect I’d end up either taking ds with me, or if it was an appointment a child couldn’t go to, cancelling it. I’m not a petty person, but this is why it is so frustrating as it restricts your own life so much but if you try to explain this then the lawn DID need mowing, and that’s it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nonevah · 08/05/2023 07:54

So basically all my spare time needs to be organised to a nanosecond so that DH can’t vanish for hours Sad which is a bit shit, really!

OP posts:
Dingbat · 08/05/2023 08:03

It’s a tough situation, OP. I’ve had this problem for many many years and five children. Issues with a DS lead to an Asperger’s diagnosis and DH turns out to be autistic at 60. This fixation is typical. Just a thought…….

Gymmum82 · 08/05/2023 08:05

Has he always been like this? Or has this just started since the child came along? If it’s the latter I think you can see he’s only doing it to get out of parenting. If it’s the former it begs the question of why you had a child with him

RedHelenB · 08/05/2023 08:10

So you mow the lawn then OP and he looks after toddler.

Original poster
Nonevah · 08/05/2023 08:11

I’m pretty sure he isn’t autistic. I do know autism pretty well, nothing else fits even closely. It is partly a trait - things have to be done NOW but equally he just literally won’t be able to do that if he’s on his own (I’m not saying I’m going to leave but eg having another baby this summer) and so to an extent he does because he can.

I wouldn’t mind a bit if the effect of this was acknowledged on me either, if it was sorry I know it’s a pain for you, mind if I just … but it’s just taken for granted. Sorry, grumpy today. As for was he always like this, I don’t know. I genuinely can’t remember. I dare say I didn’t think dh is spending five hours on a bike, he’s fundamentally unsuitable to have a baby with, though!

OP posts:
3487642I · 08/05/2023 08:11

Is sounds like maybe a communication issue? Like he is feeling entitled to run his day the way it suits him but went check in with you or have normal communication about what is going on? And if you do try to discuss the issue he will shut it down?

3487642I · 08/05/2023 08:11

*won't

Original poster
Nonevah · 08/05/2023 08:12

@RedHelenB its replies like this that don’t understand. I’ve tried to explain what happens in earlier posts, he just vanishes. Plus, I am 32 weeks pregnant and the lawnmowers pretty heavy, maybe not the best idea just now 😅

OP posts:
Callyem · 08/05/2023 08:19

I'd want to look deeper at the motivation behind it because it sounds like tactical avoidance of family life. Men who are not happy evade so as not to expose their feelings. I could be way off - I'm not there, but start paying close attention xx

RedHelenB · 08/05/2023 08:21

Rachaelrachael · 08/05/2023 07:04

Same here. It's always a task that needs to be done outside such as mowing the lawn, washing the cars, organising the garage etc.. And even though the house is a dump by the weekend and needs cleaning, these outside jobs are way more important. So I'm stuck inside looking after 2 toddlers whilst trying to clean the house. And he gets to enjoy the sunshine whilst chatting to the neighbours. Not sure what the solution is, we honestly argue so much about this, but he just can't see it from my point of view.

Get him to swap so you can see each other s viewpoints.

RedHelenB · 08/05/2023 08:25

Nonevah · 08/05/2023 08:12

@RedHelenB its replies like this that don’t understand. I’ve tried to explain what happens in earlier posts, he just vanishes. Plus, I am 32 weeks pregnant and the lawnmowers pretty heavy, maybe not the best idea just now 😅

So put your feet up today and let him be with toddler. Say you need your rest, hes in charge of toddler, go back to bed if you want.

CuriousGeorge80 · 08/05/2023 08:25

What happens if you sit down and really explain the impact to him? So when he says “but the lawn needed mowing” you say “yes, but that meant I had DS alone all day, he was upset to be without you, I’m exhausted and it means I didn’t get to do x, y and z so it isn’t fair?” - does he just rinse repeat that it needed doing?

Spirographcity · 08/05/2023 08:26

Nonevah · 08/05/2023 08:12

@RedHelenB its replies like this that don’t understand. I’ve tried to explain what happens in earlier posts, he just vanishes. Plus, I am 32 weeks pregnant and the lawnmowers pretty heavy, maybe not the best idea just now 😅

What would happen if you said at the beginning of the day, could you take toddler with you today to the garden/or the garden centre to do any jobs you're planning? I need some chill time.

rainbowstardrops · 08/05/2023 08:27

CuriousGeorge80 · 08/05/2023 08:25

What happens if you sit down and really explain the impact to him? So when he says “but the lawn needed mowing” you say “yes, but that meant I had DS alone all day, he was upset to be without you, I’m exhausted and it means I didn’t get to do x, y and z so it isn’t fair?” - does he just rinse repeat that it needed doing?

This is what I would be saying too. If he still ignored it, I'd lose my shit with him!