Is this just my husband? A bit fed up but unsure how to approach

[Nonevah]

Whenever we have some free time, DH fixates on a job that he decides needs doing and will not rest until it is done.

So today for example he decides the lawns need mowing (very big garden) - fine. But then it takes up the entire day, trying to get the lawnmower to work and it won’t, buying a new lawnmower then actually mowing the lawns. Meanwhile, I’m left in sole charge of a two year old whose behaviour gets steadily worse and worse throughout the day because he’s desperately trying to interact with his dad and being ignored in favour of lawns.

In retrospect I wish I’d just gone out somewhere with the toddler but we’ve such a full weekend I wanted a quieter day. It’s quite hurtful being just sort of left.

I don’t know if I’m making much sense, is it just me?

Yep, it's strategic and practised by the majority of men around the world

Actually a lot of men love spending time with their children or have the good sense to avoid having any.

@Endoftheroad12345 what's wrong with that suggestion?. Boring shit like yard work needs doing, presumably it's a nice day of he's mowing. Given the option of sitting in the house & quietly seething or getting outside with the kids and having a few drinks with my husband while he gets the garden sorted I know which I'd choose

Yep! Very common. My DH does this a lot. And when I went to get on with something he announces to the kids that it's time to watch a family film together while he looks at his phone.

https://www.facebook.com/reel/179751144921554?s=yWDuG2&fs=e

The link above explains a lot

Quiet day meaning not out and about more than me just resting.

The issue is it is constant. There is ALWAYS something that urgently needs doing, always, and this urgent thing takes precedence over everything else. I had to beg him to go to the supermarket and get some food in once - I couldn’t go as I was a few days post C section - and it took hours because of whatever it was that was occupying his time and attention.

It isn’t that things don’t need doing but it is inherently unfair because I don’t get to decide the spare room needs sorting or whatever, because I have to parent.

https://www.betootaadvocate.com/humans-of-betoota/correlation-between-lawn-stripes-and-low-intimacy-marriages/

Poor lamb!

That type of man will always prioritise things differently because fundamentally he see children as the responsibility of the mother.

Yes he’s shirking childcare. You need to have a very strong word with him about this

I always cut the grass, leaving DH with the DC. For me it's a break from being in the house. I would rather be outdoors 🤷

Er ok?

This is difficult to argue with because the lawn does need mowing. So he can justify it to you and himself.

Same here. It's always a task that needs to be done outside such as mowing the lawn, washing the cars, organising the garage etc.. And even though the house is a dump by the weekend and needs cleaning, these outside jobs are way more important. So I'm stuck inside looking after 2 toddlers whilst trying to clean the house. And he gets to enjoy the sunshine whilst chatting to the neighbours. Not sure what the solution is, we honestly argue so much about this, but he just can't see it from my point of view.

Yes @MsWhitworth and @Rachaelrachael exactly. I tried to nicely raise it but just got the ‘well the lawn needs mowing’ response.

OP I think we might be the same person

My point is that you need to reorganise the situation to suit your own ends. If you don't want to be left with the toddler, leave him with the toddler instead!

You cut grass or make yourself busy. Play your DH at his own game.

Ultimately as a PP said, these jobs still need doing. You can't blame him for that.

The issue is, I think, that looking after toddlers feels aimless. You have to be present and interact but it’s very basic (“yes, look, a blue car”) and unstructured.

I think many men really struggle with it, more so than women.

But it’s very hard to get across what you want them to do because it’s hard to explain.

This was my husband too. And when I’d ask if he was planning spending any time with us i’d be accused of not moaning.

he now an ex husband

@MathsNervous but it isn’t about the grass. Substitute grass for something fiddling with cars or sorting the garage or a bike or endless trips to storage, whatever it is I can guarantee it will take hours.

When he vanishes for nearly two hours to get a new lawnmower I don’t then have the option of leaving him with the toddler. These options aren’t options, he goes and does what he wants. It is frustrating.

I am like OP's DH, but female 🤣 I like to get away from the DC for a bit during weekends to tidy in the garden , or do ironing upstairs etc. He gets left with the DC. I get overwhelmed and just need a break. Working outdoors is a welcome break!

At least that’s honest but the thing is I’d quite like to have a break too, I don’t get one.

Well, orchestrate a break for yourself before he gets the chance. The loft needs reorganising, hand him the toddler and off you pop.

DH doesn't get a choice when I have things to get on with. I was busy emulsioning a whole house when I had three DC several years ago. DH was landed with the DC. It took hours.

When he decides what jobs he's doing, tell him that he needs to have toddler on Sunday for the whole morning because you need to do this thing. Maybe he could take them to the park, or get them to 'help' with the garden or washing the car.

My dh is similarly task oriented but is happy doing 'tasks' with dcs, including taking dc to learn to ride a bike, play football, walk to the shops.

@MathsNervous I realise you think you are being helpful but this is the problem in a nutshell, you literally cannot orchestrate a break because in the mind of the other person whatever they wish to do takes absolute priority and they will not be stopped.

They disappear from the house without a word or with a careless call that they are going to do XX, often they claim they won’t be long but they are.

They then go to do whatever they want to do, in the house, out of the house, wherever, ignoring you and the child(ren) as they do so.

So take yesterday, if I’d decided I was going out and leaving dh with ds the only way to do that would have been to leave ds in the house alone while I did so, and obviously I can’t do that.

That’s why it’s so frustrating.