Is this just my husband? A bit fed up but unsure how to approach

[Nonevah]

Whenever we have some free time, DH fixates on a job that he decides needs doing and will not rest until it is done.

So today for example he decides the lawns need mowing (very big garden) - fine. But then it takes up the entire day, trying to get the lawnmower to work and it won’t, buying a new lawnmower then actually mowing the lawns. Meanwhile, I’m left in sole charge of a two year old whose behaviour gets steadily worse and worse throughout the day because he’s desperately trying to interact with his dad and being ignored in favour of lawns.

In retrospect I wish I’d just gone out somewhere with the toddler but we’ve such a full weekend I wanted a quieter day. It’s quite hurtful being just sort of left.

I don’t know if I’m making much sense, is it just me?

He’d just keep going on about the lawn, yeah.

He won’t change now. You are basically a lone parent with a handyman housemate.

Unfortunately you just have to get up mega early every Saturday or Sunday and put ds in bed with your dh and leave the house for 4 hours until he gets the message.

Sit him down and tell him in small words that you are about to have a second child and he can't keep disappearing to do non-essential jobs; he needs to step up as a parent.

Present him with an empty jar and some counters (or pieces of pasta or whatever) and say "each of these counters represents an hour that you unilaterally decided that you were going to do something during family time, that left me solely in charge with DC. Yesterday it was the lawn mowing, that took up 7 hours, so I'm putting 7 counters in this jar.

You cannot leave me in charge of DC on family time (i.E.evenings and weekends when not working/commuting) until I have had equal time.

For each hour I spend not in charge of DC, I will take a counter out of the jar. When the jar is empty, you can do something on family time without DC. If you want to do something without DC when there are still counters in this jar then you need to speak to me about it, like a grown up and equal parent and we will discuss it and agree together if that's the best use of family time."

If he agrees to it or not, keep the jar somewhere prominent and keep putting the counters in every time he does stuff that escapes family life (& you remove them when you do the same) so there's a visual reminder of what he's doing in the middle of the kitchen/living room/wherever.

This will either prompt him to spend more time with his child or prompt you to leave him (& him spend more time with his child during contact hours).

Yeah I don’t think he’d take any notice of pasta in jars.

In some ways it’s a relief it isn’t just me. There was a period once where honestly every weekend got eaten with things that needed doing and it’s a cliche but I really was a single parent. Now the nicer weather is back it’s starting again 😩😩

I realise this isn't the most helpful response but lawns never need doing at the point that they must be done right this minute.
A shortish lawn will survive another few days plus ( and the effort to mow it then will be much the same) and a longer lawn can be part of " no mow May". The grass might not look how the owner wants but it won't die.
So the deal here it not that "the lawn needs doing" but that "I want to mow the lawn".
And no reason why "I want to mow the lawn" should take precedence over any other want.
I would be rinsing and repeating on correcting "the lawn needs doing" to " you want/wanted to mow the lawn but...". I don't know how you stop him vanishing - I would be leaving a series of messages on his phone starting with "where are you?" and escalating from there...but not sure this would help....

Also, book baby classes for Dh to take ds to. Baby football, baby swimming

then he vanishes so I have to.

Vanishes before the class?

Yep, you're right, he probably won't "take any notice of pasta in jars." But you will.

Every time you put a piece in and don't get to take a piece out, every time you look at that ever-filling, never-emptying jar you'll be reminded that you're with a man who doesn't put you and your DC first, in fact he sees you as less important than grass and one day that visual reminder may give you the strength to do something about it.

@WarriorN the point is when he decides something needs doing it’s like it had to be done, so taking DS to whatever would be on me

in any event he does do a number of classes but none on a Sunday.

Write down a list of the chores you do in a day. On the other side, list the chores he has done that day. Sometimes men need a visual. Could the garden / garage be his mental escape? Is this his wind down from his stressful job?

Seems you need to find a way to break through to him, for him understand the weight you're carrying. Only then will you be able to achieve your wind down. I appreciate it seems unfair, and you'll have to do work before getting the results you need.

Is there any reason you didn't put toddlers wellies on and send him in the garden with dad? Surely, he could have been out playing in the garden, whist dad cut the grass (after spending 2 hours buying the lawn mower). He wouldn't have then had the choice to avoid. He could have engaged with toddler, and you could have said... fine, ill cut grass you take him inside, entertain him, do the ironing, cook dinner blah blah

I don’t think you can change him because if he doesn’t actually want to spend time parenting/ as a family then even if it’s forced on him somehow it will break down again. The fundamental issue is that he has no desire to. I speak as someone who has been there and leaned on my mum a lot in the early day for support with the kids. When she died I realised she was the reason my marriage has survived and it all went downhill after. I think it’s so sad, I read these kind of posts over and over and wonder why these men got married/fathered children when they clearly don’t want family life

I think they like the nice bits. Someone there when they actually want to talk and offload what is going on for them. Someone to do the grunt work. Someone to bring up children that actually become interesting when they don't require any effort. My husband has become super-dad now the kids are grown up. It's really annoying as I want to scream sometimes that I did all the work and now he's fun dad!

@Spirographcity I think dc do know who did the work, even if they don't say. If they have a real problem, or feel sad, they know which parent to come to.

OP you could tell him where you see this heading long term, and spell out to him how you see it affecting your feelings, and hence the relationship. Tell him he is minimising and not seeing the problem. That he doesn't realise that it will rebound on him in the long run, in one or many ways. Tell him that your tolerance will run out unless he decides that you are worth actually listening to.

Although in reality its your actions which which makes the difference, just as his do.

The reality is that there were two jobs that needed doing. One was looking after a 2 year old. The other was mowing the lawn. (Not optional at the start of May. If you think that then you need to read a bit about gardening.)

Do you think the lawn-mowing was the easy one? I can see some logic in that. In that case, get up early, get outside, and do it all yourself, leaving him with the toddler. These traditional divisions of labour need both parties to sign up, but only one to reject them.

And if OP decided mowing the lawn was a 5 hr job as it is for her DH? Do you think he would look after the DCs for most of the day ?

Yes. Mine does this but he's bloody useless at anything practical

So mowing the lawn is not something he'd fixate on. He busies himself with errands relating to voluntary work or his job

Of course this is it.

He's a shit selfish husband and a shit father.

His way to avoid any childcare is to find a job that he is happy to do, that gets him the hell away from family life..

He doesn't care that you want help.

He will do nothing in the house as that would mean he might have to engage and get involved.

The leaving the house without telling you is all part of the same package.

Its not new, or difficult to understand.

He doesn't want to parent and his successful way of avoiding family life is this.

OP, dont have another child with him, it will only be worse.
He will discover cycling or golf or anything else.

These men are selfish losers.

As suggested, start taking careful note of his behaviour.

Tell him clearly that you know EXACTLY what he is doing.

He clearly doesn't want family life.

Give him the opportunity to separate and at least you can watch his expression when you say we can split childcare 50/50..... watch him balk.

Men like him wouldn't take a child more than an afternoon a fortnight.

OP, this is your life, he won't change.

Start looking after yourself and thinking about your future.

If you can bear to have sex with such a loser, for goodness sake don't get pregnant again.

Some women who stay and insist on having more children may find that they engage very very slightly when the children are older.

However they remain selfish losers and the children know it.

Oh dear, you are pregnant with another child.

God help you OP.

I hope you have family about.