Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help with a eulogy (for a person who wasn't very nice)

123 replies

ThirdCultureKid · 04/05/2023 08:51

This is long - because it deserves a full explanation and no drip feeding.

I have a narc mother. She is diagnosed with BPD (though of course she thinks the Drs are wrong but 'went along with it' because she gets PIP)

Please understand shes not a nice person. She did a lot of hurtful, selfish and damaging things in her life with absolutely no remorse. (which to be fair is a reflection of her BPD - still doesn't make it less hurtful though) So some of the stuff I lay down later on seems harsh and mean, but trust me - this is my lived experience of her and the frankly terrible things shes done in her life.

In later years her behaviour softened towards me and she limited her narc tendencies because, as she admitted to me while tipsy, I'm the only one left that checks in on her to see if she is dead or alive so she 'has to be careful not to piss me off'. (My Father, his side of the family and my Siblings are all totally NC with her and most live in other countries - I am LC & very much on my own terms.

Shes had some serious health issue recently and it frightened her because she is all alone and a distance from all her other family. I also live a 4 hr drive away from her. She has intense short lived friendships which she cant maintain and currently doesn't have anyone locally to spend time with or make arrangements for her.

She announced by email to all her family and me that she has bought a top rate funeral package (its has a horse and carriage!). She also put aside money to pay for accommodation, spending money and flights for her siblings (and their families) to attend her funeral. She has also outlined that there will be individual bequests of items and money to hand out to family members on attendance, which lets be honest, guarantees their attendance. She lists her wishes in regards to flowers, food and music (all paid for and very reasonable requests)

She has outlined in the order of service that I will be doing a short eulogy - again a totally reasonable request.

I have no clue what to say, I don't like her very much as a person and I only really tolerate her because she is my mother. To be honest I do the bare minimum contact to salve my own guilt at leaving a older lady totally alone.

So I need help with a very vague bland 'horoscope type' eulogy that could apply to anyone but my negative feelings keep getting in the way.

A little about her:

We don't have any hobbies in common (except she likes one upping me in gardening) She loves shopping, she goes out four days a week shopping all day. Go home, try it all on, put the items in the house move things around essentially play with it all and the next day she takes it all back so she can spend the money again - so it is a pointless waste of time)

She enjoys interior design because she thinks it makes her a cut above everyone else having a noteworthy home. She drinks to excess, loves her many sisters wholeheartedly its the only love she has for anybody. Would lie and throw you under the bus without hesitation if there was something in it for her or it made her look good, but also do it so well you would be amazed at the skill of it.

She is genuinely good with her hands and in another life she could have been a master craftsman of ceramics, interior design or art (really, she was excellent and she has a great eye - but also inherently lazy so the time it took to produce items that caused people to lavish praise was too much effort). She keeps getting puppies, and re homes them when they are not cute anymore (untrained) because she loves that people come over to coo at a puppy and she basks in the reflected attention. (she only stopped doing this after we had a massive falling out and I said I would never ever speak to her again if she got another puppy)

She thinks she is beautiful, and all her children are a disappointment because we are all stocky and heavy featured like our father. She channels the lady of the manor energy. She is closet racist, one of the 'I'm not racist..... but' bunch. She is spiteful and blames everyone else for her mistakes. She is rude to shop staff and will lie to their managers about their behaviour to get what she wants and she is totally fine with that.

So what can I weave from that? or is there a reading that would be fitting?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/05/2023 08:56

First things first - just because she’s said you have to do a eulogy doesn’t mean you have to. She won’t know. So if you don’t want to or don’t feel up to it then don’t.

My father (a horrible and abusive man) basically chatted about his hobbies, a few stories from his childhood, and a bit about him being a very good painter.

It doesn’t have to be long or full of falsehoods.

Spiderywriting · 04/05/2023 08:57

Does she need to see the eulogy now?

Maybe something like this? https://www.whiteladyfunerals.com.au/funeral-help-advice/organising-the-funeral/how-to-write-a-eulogy/example-eulogy-daughter-farewells-mum/

loads of examples via google.

I feel your pain. My Mum is also BPD but is having a direct cremation with no funeral.

Frankly I would use the eulogy to thank people for coming, that your mum wasn’t the easiest person and hope she is at peace now.

PaintedEgg · 04/05/2023 08:57

"My mother wanted me to say something nice on her funeral and it's in bad taste to talk poorly of the departed so...I have nothing to say, food will be served at 5"

On a serious note - do you have to supply it to her while she is still alive? If you really want to make something good out of it just leave the few compliments (she liked to take her of her house, was good at crafts, loved her sisters)

or simply dont bother - she won't be there to complain about it

Hazelnuttella · 04/05/2023 09:01

Apologies if I missed it but it sounds like she hasn’t actually died yet?

Honestly I wouldn’t spend your time and energy on this.

When she dies the funeral directors will probably be able to give you some pointers of the kind of things people say. You can also flesh it out with a generic reading.

Original poster
ThirdCultureKid · 04/05/2023 09:03

Thank you for your replies.

I will have to do some form of eulogy , if only because her family will expect it (and frankly there is no one else) the order of service mainly has singing, some readings from the person doing the service and the one slot for the eulogy.

Thanking everyone for coming, saying how much she would of loved the fact they came will fill a few minutes - so thank you for that idea.

The problem is I refuse to lie, i try not to lie in my life - mainly because she had a very complex relationship with the truth, the actual truth and her personal truth . So i need to think of a way to say enough nice things that her family will be ok with it but i dont have to actually lie.

OP posts:
Nicecow · 04/05/2023 09:03

Just keep it factual. She was born in bla, had x siblings, went to x school. You could ask the siblings for some stories if you want. You don't have to make it emotional if you don't want to. Equally you could leave it up to the priest/pastor/mc

EggInANest · 04/05/2023 09:06

So everyone there will have experience of her narc behaviour?

I would be really wary if you haven’t seen her Will. Are you sure she hasn’t left any nasty surprises? People who like to ‘stage’ things , like planning her own funeral like this, may imagine a Poirot or Agatha Christie style public will-reading and use it as a way to settle old scores, e.g your siblings escaping abroad

I would find a very short poem or reading about finding peace, and simply say ‘life wasn’t always easy for my mother, ‘Name of Mother, dates of life ‘ was my mother and I wish her peace.

Hazelnuttella · 04/05/2023 09:08

Agree to keep it factual. Eulogies I’ve heard aren’t really about the relationship between the speaker and the deceased, it’s more like a biography.

X was born in 1934, and grew up with her parents in Little Brompton, not far from here. As a child she enjoyed blah blah and won a prize for xyz.

Later she attend x high school and began a career in dentistry. She married in 1957 and had 3 children, Nigel, Nigella and Nutella.

She remained close to her sisters x y z and enjoyed caravan holdiays to Skegness.

I could go on but hope that helps!

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 04/05/2023 09:08

Keep it factual. When and where she was born, small stories about her childhood from siblings, if possible. Date she married your dad and when she had children. What her jobs were. Then take some of what you have written here. 'Mum loved shopping and could have shopped all day. She could spot a bargain at 100 paces. She loved her sisters very much right until she died. Mum was fond of her garden and very competitive about it. She was gifted with her hands and could have been a very good...." That sort of thing

Original poster
ThirdCultureKid · 04/05/2023 09:09

She has not died, no. However because the nature of the problem that has been diagnosed it will be a very sudden quick thing (for example a large aneurysm - it not this but it gives you an idea)

So she is keen to have everything in place, she has already asked to see it beforehand and i have refused and asked her to trust me that it will be fitting.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 04/05/2023 09:09

Hazelnutella snap!

AuntieJune · 04/05/2023 09:10

Agree - basic facts of her life, the positive things that she enjoyed (shopping, sisters)

You can say something along the lines of not always easy person to live with but she was my mum and shaped me as a person, I learned a lot from her (even if this was how not to be like her!)

Don't overthink it, it doesn't have to be the same as your honest account of what she was like - it's some words at her that are appropriate at a funeral

DietCokeUser · 04/05/2023 09:10

Do you need to decide this now? You may have a clearer sense of what you want to say when she has died.

Otherwise I would either do a simple factual summary of her life or else read a poem. If she’s a gardener there are lots of garden poems which would be suitable for a funeral.

DietCokeUser · 04/05/2023 09:11

PS you don’t have to do it at all.

snitzelvoncrumb · 04/05/2023 09:12

Just talk about where she was born and went to school. A bit about her garden and leave it at that. It’s not likely that anyone is going to go to the funeral.

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 04/05/2023 09:12

My mother was a strongminded person, so much so that she organised her funeral in advance & asked that I say a few words. I'm not the best at public speaking but want to honour her wishes so I will keep in short and sweet.

Most of you know what she was like but for those who don't. She truly was a creative person. She loved her fashion and shopping & enjoy it immensely. She was so fond of gardening, even competitively so. Her greatest talent was her cremamics, her arts and her gardening - it was impressive & something she excelled at and that I always admired her for. She also had an affinity with animals and really bonded with them.

The last few months have been difficult & on behalf of my mother, my family and I would like to thank you for attending, especially those who have travelled long distances and the support we have received recently.

Nicecow · 04/05/2023 09:13

ThirdCultureKid · 04/05/2023 09:09

She has not died, no. However because the nature of the problem that has been diagnosed it will be a very sudden quick thing (for example a large aneurysm - it not this but it gives you an idea)

So she is keen to have everything in place, she has already asked to see it beforehand and i have refused and asked her to trust me that it will be fitting.

I hope you don't mind me saying, but given she's a narc and still alive you should get her to write a letter to be read out. She might quite like the idea.

ejbaxa · 04/05/2023 09:13

You can get a celebrant to read your eulogy. You can ask to stand by the celebrant whilst they read it for you. Just give facts: mum was born in London to Jean and Peter and has 3 sisters, Susan, Emily and Maggie. She did well at X school and went on to work at Y. She then had Children, used her passion for interior design to make the house lovely. Later turned out to be a keen Gardener. The celebrant can do all this writing and speaking for you - just stand beside him/her.

AuntieJune · 04/05/2023 09:13

Or you could take a different angle and do the things that will remind you of her - particular song, type of clothing, food etc.

DietCokeUser · 04/05/2023 09:14

Also I’m not sure that her idea of handing out money at the funeral will work- won’t you need probate first?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 04/05/2023 09:14

So she is keen to have everything in place, she has already asked to see it beforehand and i have refused and asked her to trust me that it will be fitting

Ask her what she wants you to say, better still, write it herself. Then you can change it for the actual funeral if you feel so inclined.

SoupDragon · 04/05/2023 09:15

I agree with factual. Throw in some anecdotes if you can think of isolated positive ones. Mention how much she loved her sisters as this will make them feel good.

it's not about lying as such, it's about omitting the shit stuff and dragging up some positive stories to dot around the factual stuff. I don't think there's anything wrong with admitting you had a difficult relationship.

Midlander01 · 04/05/2023 09:15

Maybe ask her to write it herself as you couldn't possibly do justice to such a fabulous life ect etc. Massage that who.

Then bin it and write your own version when the time comes.

Midlander01 · 04/05/2023 09:16

*massage that ego

FFS Mumsnet edit button!