Help with a eulogy (for a person who wasn't very nice)

[ThirdCultureKid]

This is long - because it deserves a full explanation and no drip feeding.

I have a narc mother. She is diagnosed with BPD (though of course she thinks the Drs are wrong but 'went along with it' because she gets PIP)

Please understand shes not a nice person. She did a lot of hurtful, selfish and damaging things in her life with absolutely no remorse. (which to be fair is a reflection of her BPD - still doesn't make it less hurtful though) So some of the stuff I lay down later on seems harsh and mean, but trust me - this is my lived experience of her and the frankly terrible things shes done in her life.

In later years her behaviour softened towards me and she limited her narc tendencies because, as she admitted to me while tipsy, I'm the only one left that checks in on her to see if she is dead or alive so she 'has to be careful not to piss me off'. (My Father, his side of the family and my Siblings are all totally NC with her and most live in other countries - I am LC & very much on my own terms.

Shes had some serious health issue recently and it frightened her because she is all alone and a distance from all her other family. I also live a 4 hr drive away from her. She has intense short lived friendships which she cant maintain and currently doesn't have anyone locally to spend time with or make arrangements for her.

She announced by email to all her family and me that she has bought a top rate funeral package (its has a horse and carriage!). She also put aside money to pay for accommodation, spending money and flights for her siblings (and their families) to attend her funeral. She has also outlined that there will be individual bequests of items and money to hand out to family members on attendance, which lets be honest, guarantees their attendance. She lists her wishes in regards to flowers, food and music (all paid for and very reasonable requests)

She has outlined in the order of service that I will be doing a short eulogy - again a totally reasonable request.

I have no clue what to say, I don't like her very much as a person and I only really tolerate her because she is my mother. To be honest I do the bare minimum contact to salve my own guilt at leaving a older lady totally alone.

So I need help with a very vague bland 'horoscope type' eulogy that could apply to anyone but my negative feelings keep getting in the way.

A little about her:

We don't have any hobbies in common (except she likes one upping me in gardening) She loves shopping, she goes out four days a week shopping all day. Go home, try it all on, put the items in the house move things around essentially play with it all and the next day she takes it all back so she can spend the money again - so it is a pointless waste of time)

She enjoys interior design because she thinks it makes her a cut above everyone else having a noteworthy home. She drinks to excess, loves her many sisters wholeheartedly its the only love she has for anybody. Would lie and throw you under the bus without hesitation if there was something in it for her or it made her look good, but also do it so well you would be amazed at the skill of it.

She is genuinely good with her hands and in another life she could have been a master craftsman of ceramics, interior design or art (really, she was excellent and she has a great eye - but also inherently lazy so the time it took to produce items that caused people to lavish praise was too much effort). She keeps getting puppies, and re homes them when they are not cute anymore (untrained) because she loves that people come over to coo at a puppy and she basks in the reflected attention. (she only stopped doing this after we had a massive falling out and I said I would never ever speak to her again if she got another puppy)

She thinks she is beautiful, and all her children are a disappointment because we are all stocky and heavy featured like our father. She channels the lady of the manor energy. She is closet racist, one of the 'I'm not racist..... but' bunch. She is spiteful and blames everyone else for her mistakes. She is rude to shop staff and will lie to their managers about their behaviour to get what she wants and she is totally fine with that.

So what can I weave from that? or is there a reading that would be fitting?

I would get her to write her own.

And I would read it out at the funeral after making it clear she had chosen the words.

This is what AI was invented for.

Write it out as it flows, much as you've done in your original post. Leave it for a day, re-read and edit to take out all the negative bits.

If she wants to read it you could add a few positive flourishes - to be removed at the appropriate time.

Use facts, ie date and place of birth, names of parents, siblings, children, grandchildren. Add schooling / education, specialist subjects, jobs, hobbies, past times, likes, Interests. Any amusing anecdotes - you can get creative here.

It'll pad out. Don't put anything negative, it's not necessary to remind people, they'll already know what a difficult person she was.

Do post back here for further comments 😁

not in this scenario, but an eulogy that is effectively a goodbye letter written by the deceased person would be pretty wholesome

"She's such a groovy lady".
Taken from Frasier who struggled to write a eulogy for a not-nice-lady

{Light hearted}

"Nobody was as loving/kind/gentle as she was" - as in 'everybody else was much, much more so'!

Could you treat this as therapy. Give ChatGPT the facts and ask it to write an eulogy.

Then write your truth.

And this is what ChatGPT produces. Hope it's helpful. Seems pretty spot on

We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of a woman who was strong, vibrant, and bold. She was a force of nature, someone who was unapologetically herself, and who, in her own unique way, touched the lives of all those who knew her. Today, we honor my mother and remember the woman who had a profound impact on our lives.
My mother was a woman who enjoyed the finer things in life. She had a deep appreciation for beauty, whether it was in the form of her carefully curated home or her love of shopping. She was always on the lookout for the perfect item to add to her collection, and her passion for interior design made her home a place that stood out from the rest.
She was a woman who knew what she wanted and was not afraid to go after it. Her love for her sisters was unmatched, and their bond was a testament to the power of sisterhood. My mother had a remarkable ability to make her presence felt, and her sisters were her truest companions.
In her own way, my mother was a gifted artist. Her natural talent and keen eye for detail were evident in her work, and she had the potential to be a master craftsman. But it was her love for the simple things, like gardening, that brought out the best in her. She loved the challenge of cultivating the perfect garden, and she took great pride in her ability to outdo me in our friendly competitions.
My mother's love for animals was evident in her fondness for puppies. She found joy in their playful energy and the attention they garnered from others. Her love for animals was a reminder of the simple pleasures in life.
No one is perfect, and my mother was no exception. She had her flaws, but she also had her strengths. She was a woman who knew how to make her mark on the world, and she did so with courage and determination. As we remember her life today, let us also remember the indomitable spirit that she possessed, and the impact she had on all those who knew her.
In her memory, I would like to share a reading that I believe captures her essence:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die."
In closing, let us celebrate my mother's life, remembering her for the vibrant, passionate, and unforgettable woman she was. May her memory live on in our hearts and inspire us to embrace life with the same fearless spirit she embodied

Same. I didn't attend my mother's funeral either. No regrets.
OP that truly is an option.

Thank everyone - sorry i have not been back. She became very unwell and i was reassured from your replies (which were great by the way!) that at least i would have words ready, when the time came.

As it happens she recovered, fell out with all the nursing staff and me when i defended them and she has changed her mind about me reading anything. Which is fine by me!

I have gone back to very low contact and handed her back over to her social worker to manage in the main.

She can want what she liked, but the simple fact is that when she is dead, she wont know.

Also the bequests thing is bullshit as her estate has to go through probate so anyone who is getting anything in her will wont be getting it at her funeral.

Smile, nod, say the right thing while she is alive and then direct cremation when she passes (or now, if you prefer ). JOKE.

Although I see that she will probably have cancelled and changed it all by the time she needs you again, and will then dangle the "if you do this then you will get my house" BS when she needs you......

Thanks for updating OP. Wishing you all the best for an un-dramatic future 🤞

I just saw the poem attached and thought it quite apt for those of us with a challenging relationship with our DMs, and that it could make a nice eulogy.

That’s a really excellent poem, thank you for sharing it.

Agree in keeping it factual. Just a biography of her life. You’ll want to keep it to 5 mins or so anyway so just talking about her earlier life, sisters and hobbies. A few jokes thrown in, eg you can talk about her returning everything the next day which might make people smile. Also no you don’t have to do it, you can write it and give to the celebrant / vicar to read out or choose a poem. Perhaps one of her sister might want to do it?

I hear you, I finally made amends with my father after 30 years. He was an abusive father in many ways, but after both of us growing older I see that he actually has a good heart. He was abused as a child (damn presbyterian boarding schools! Christian boarding schools did a hell of a lot of harm to the children of this world!) although this does not give him an excuse to abuse his family, but...needless to say, I am the only child out of six who has done the work in my own life to be able to forgive and offer grace.
Remember this, grace creates transformation (in my heart and others). Therefore, I am the one who wrote his obituary, basically kept it about his accomplishments, graduation, service time, jobs, and hobbies. I did list his children and step children in the obituary because some wanted to listed while others didn't say, so I listed everyone, because no matter what, this was our father and step-father.
I am probably going to do the eulogy also. I want to use the eulogy to offer a message of grace without using his specific abuses towards his children. I haven't figured everything I want to say in his eulogy, but somehow I will figure out how to share that grace creates transformation.
One thing I have learned from my father's passing, is to be prepared for my own passing. I want to write my own obituary and eulogy so that my children don't have to write it out and it will be what I want it to say. Maybe since your mother is still alive you can suggest to her to write her own eulogy/obituary or you both can write it, maybe this process can help with the healing between you both.
Remember, when we forgive, it heals our own hearts and allows us to live in freedom. We don't have to consider their hearts, that's their duty.
I learned years ago, the way to honor my parents is to surpass them, to do better than they did, to give them something to be proud of, and if they are not proud of me, then I certainly can be proud of myself. when I talk about surpassing my parents, I mean by this, to surpass them in stopping the abuse and creating a better life for myself and my children. It's not about how much money I make but where is my heart and am I listening to my own children rather than my own selfish desires.
I wrote my father a Christmas card for the first time in over 40 years. I wrote in the card and meant it, "I am grateful that you are my father because it has made me who I am today, and for that, I am grateful."
Although our parents mess us up and don't offer support in the abuse, we can become better than who they ever were, live a more compassionate and caring life, and then turn around and offer grace and forgiveness so that I can live without the burden of their disease. Best to you and your mother!

Strong willed, focus, committed with her goals, she did her best, glad she got me because I'm here, she liked this and that.
Life wasn't always easy but she always managed to succeed, bla bla bla. Rest in peace.

Your are describing her with nice adjectives. No need to mention she was selfish etc. For any negative word there is another saying more or less the same without the negative impact.
She was a stubborn: strong willed.
She was selfish: knew her priorities.
Did not care much about family: reserved of her privacy.

It's a short eulogy you will find the right words.

Why not keep it short and factual and maybe read a poem? Did she have a favourite or a book she liked that you could read an extract from?

Hi OP, this is where AI comes into its own! I e entered the description of your mum and it's given me this eulogy. Maybe it'll give you a few ideas:

We gather here today to remember a truly unique woman, a matriarch in her own right, a personality as vibrant and vivid as the finest tapestry, and an unforgettable character in all our lives.

She was a woman who knew the importance of indulgence, who reveled in the pleasures of retail therapy. She found joy in the simple act of shopping, a joy that wasn't bound by the need to keep what she bought. Instead, she found happiness in the very act of choosing, of trying things on, of making decisions and changes, all for the sheer delight of experience. She was the embodiment of the saying, "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey."

With a discerning eye for beauty and an inherent knack for aesthetics, she loved interior design. She delighted in the power of a well-chosen piece, or the right splash of color, to transform a space. Her home was an ever-evolving testament to her distinctive taste, a veritable canvas of her artistic expression.

This woman was not one to do anything by halves. When she embraced a hobby, she did so with intensity, and perhaps none more so than her love for her many sisters. It was a bond that transcended the ordinary, demonstrating a devotion that knew no bounds.

She was complex and multidimensional, possessing a gift of persuasion that could leave you in awe. You could not help but marvel at her ability to navigate situations, at times leaving a trace of bewilderment and at others, a streak of admiration.

Her hands held the magic of creation. They were capable of crafting pieces of art that left us spellbound. Had she chosen to, she could have earned the accolades of a master craftsman, such was her talent. Yet, she found beauty in idleness, choosing the path of least resistance, which was a reflection of her independent spirit.

Our beloved was also a magnet for life's innocent creatures. She adored the soft, unjudging eyes of puppies, delighting in their companionship, and in the attention, they brought her way.

She viewed herself as beautiful, both inside and out, a self-belief that radiated from her and influenced how she interacted with the world. It was a beauty that she carried not in her appearance but in her confidence, in her ability to take command of a room, in her embodiment of a lady of the manor.

Today, as we bid farewell to this extraordinary woman, let us remember her for all these things – for her individualism, her strong will, her bold spirit, and her unapologetic love for life. In doing so, we keep alive the memory of a woman who, for better or for worse, was unlike any other.

I can see someone else has already thought of using Chat GPT!

I'd be tempted to just read out "Ding Dong the witch is dead..." 😎

My mother is very similar. Lots of people don’t get what we go through. I’ve no words for your eulogy. I’m going to struggle enough writing my mums, but I hear you. Xx

DH’s father didn’t have a eulogy. The truth would have been too upsetting for all, and to lie would have been just as difficult given his behaviour, so there wasn’t one.
In your case I think you could say some of the things you’ve said here, about her skills and creativity, while maybe tempering that with something more truthful ? I am sorry, this must be really hard, I know it caused DH a lot of stress when his Dad died.