Help with a eulogy (for a person who wasn't very nice)

[ThirdCultureKid]

This is long - because it deserves a full explanation and no drip feeding.

I have a narc mother. She is diagnosed with BPD (though of course she thinks the Drs are wrong but 'went along with it' because she gets PIP)

Please understand shes not a nice person. She did a lot of hurtful, selfish and damaging things in her life with absolutely no remorse. (which to be fair is a reflection of her BPD - still doesn't make it less hurtful though) So some of the stuff I lay down later on seems harsh and mean, but trust me - this is my lived experience of her and the frankly terrible things shes done in her life.

In later years her behaviour softened towards me and she limited her narc tendencies because, as she admitted to me while tipsy, I'm the only one left that checks in on her to see if she is dead or alive so she 'has to be careful not to piss me off'. (My Father, his side of the family and my Siblings are all totally NC with her and most live in other countries - I am LC & very much on my own terms.

Shes had some serious health issue recently and it frightened her because she is all alone and a distance from all her other family. I also live a 4 hr drive away from her. She has intense short lived friendships which she cant maintain and currently doesn't have anyone locally to spend time with or make arrangements for her.

She announced by email to all her family and me that she has bought a top rate funeral package (its has a horse and carriage!). She also put aside money to pay for accommodation, spending money and flights for her siblings (and their families) to attend her funeral. She has also outlined that there will be individual bequests of items and money to hand out to family members on attendance, which lets be honest, guarantees their attendance. She lists her wishes in regards to flowers, food and music (all paid for and very reasonable requests)

She has outlined in the order of service that I will be doing a short eulogy - again a totally reasonable request.

I have no clue what to say, I don't like her very much as a person and I only really tolerate her because she is my mother. To be honest I do the bare minimum contact to salve my own guilt at leaving a older lady totally alone.

So I need help with a very vague bland 'horoscope type' eulogy that could apply to anyone but my negative feelings keep getting in the way.

A little about her:

We don't have any hobbies in common (except she likes one upping me in gardening) She loves shopping, she goes out four days a week shopping all day. Go home, try it all on, put the items in the house move things around essentially play with it all and the next day she takes it all back so she can spend the money again - so it is a pointless waste of time)

She enjoys interior design because she thinks it makes her a cut above everyone else having a noteworthy home. She drinks to excess, loves her many sisters wholeheartedly its the only love she has for anybody. Would lie and throw you under the bus without hesitation if there was something in it for her or it made her look good, but also do it so well you would be amazed at the skill of it.

She is genuinely good with her hands and in another life she could have been a master craftsman of ceramics, interior design or art (really, she was excellent and she has a great eye - but also inherently lazy so the time it took to produce items that caused people to lavish praise was too much effort). She keeps getting puppies, and re homes them when they are not cute anymore (untrained) because she loves that people come over to coo at a puppy and she basks in the reflected attention. (she only stopped doing this after we had a massive falling out and I said I would never ever speak to her again if she got another puppy)

She thinks she is beautiful, and all her children are a disappointment because we are all stocky and heavy featured like our father. She channels the lady of the manor energy. She is closet racist, one of the 'I'm not racist..... but' bunch. She is spiteful and blames everyone else for her mistakes. She is rude to shop staff and will lie to their managers about their behaviour to get what she wants and she is totally fine with that.

So what can I weave from that? or is there a reading that would be fitting?

There are always words and phrases that people can interpret to be positive, but which are actually quite neutral (or maybe not, if people read between the lines).

Special, unique, determined, strong-willed, knew her own mind, a strong character, energetic, forthright, passionate, dedicated....

From what you said I’d talked about

• her love of gardening
• her great ability at ceramic, interior design etc…
• something about her relationship with her sisters and how important they were for her.

My FIL wasn’t an easy man and his eulogy was very much along those lines - examples of stuff he was good at - his life (where he was born etc…). A few anecdotes im pretty sure no one knew about. There was nothing about him as a husband or a father.

I had similar when my dad died.
It was brief. Outlining his career a reference to " his struggles" an amusing anocdote about him riding his motorbike

Done

Can you ask her to write some of her history and what has inspired her? It would give you something to go on and you don't have to use it.

My Uncle had a beautiful eulogy, put together by his family but read by the celebrant for them. Now, he was a nice person so it's different, but the eulogy was really just about who he was. His life, hobbies, creative career, the things he adored like his favourite music and flowers. So as others say it can just be about her and her life and her interests, not her personality and behaviour, and it doesn't have to be long.

It's also true that you don't have to do it, you can say no, ask someone else to do it for you, or write it and ask someone else to read it.

It sounds as if she's making an effort with the funeral arrangements, but at the same time it's a way of controlling everyone. She won't be able to control you at that point and you don't owe her this, so shake off the pressure.

BPD? Sounds far more like NPD to me. Like she literally ticks every box!

Go on about how she has a wonderful family and waffle on about her love for her sisters. I would talk about the things she was really good at - interior design - waffle on that she was genuinely good with her hands, she could have been a master craftsman of ceramics, interior design or art etc etc .

Alternatively get her to write the eulogy herself or ask her if there's anything she'd want you to put in it - I bet she'd have 101 ideas!

You don't have to lie, you have referenced some positive things e.g. My mother was an excellent gardener and it was a love we shared. Everyone who has visited her home will know that she had a good eye for colour and design and I think she could have had a very successful career as an interior designer, she also had a talent for ceramics. Her sisters are here today and they all know how much she loved them. Add in a bit about where she was born, name her children and that's enough and no lies.

Although banks will allow funeral expenses to be paid before probate, I doubt funds will be released for hotel accommodation and flights before the funeral.

Unless your mother has given them money for flights and hotel accommodation already, I’m concerned those who turn up will expect you to settle their travel expenses or give them “promised” cash at the funeral, leaving you heavily out of pocket.

Another things is that narcissist’s can use ‘Do what I say cos I could die at any time’ to keep people in line. She could live on for another 20, 25+ years!

Keeping it factual and simple is the way to go

Thank you all for attending today, I know my Mother would be pleased especially with those attending from overseas. It's good of you to make the effort. I'm going to keep the eulogy short.

X was born in xxxx, the third child of X and Y. X had 3 sisters and was close to them throughout her life. She loved them very much. As a child X lived at Y and went to school at Y.

X married Y in xxxx and they had 3 children A, B and C. X was also Grandma to A, B, and C.

X had a few hobbies with gardening being her favourite. Her garden was a lovely sight to see in the summer. She was particularly fond of her Z. Mother also had a very good eye for interior design and enjoyed shopping to get exactly the right item for her home. She was also talented with crafts such as drawing and using her hands.

X was active right up until the end and was able to go out and about most days in hunt of a bargain or eye-catching item for her home. Life will be different for many of us without X around.

Read a short poem or ask someone else to do so.

You mum sounds like my gran. She was a narc and had undiagnosed personality disorders. She was always a good gran but treated my mother appalling throughout her childhood and more so in adulthood when my mum only ever tried to help her. Before she died she had cut out all her children and forbid them from attending her funeral. Grandchildren were allowed to attend and that's who she left all her money too.

There was a zoom meeting with the celebrant to discuss my gran and put a eulogy together that the celebrant would deliver. I didn't attend as I didn't have anything nice to say about her. I was actually in 2 minds whether to go but decided to go in the end. I refused my share of her money and it was split between the other DGC.

People are right in that you don't have to do the eulogy just because she wants you to. But if you do want to I'd just keep it factual and leave emotions out of it. Tell her life story, mention her hobbies and include what you said about her shopping and returning things, constantly decorating to keep up with the Joneses. I think people would actually find those stories quite amusing and it would keep things more light-hearted. My gran was an idiot so we had loads of funny stories to tell about her, which I think people tend to do anyway even when the person is lovely.

Don't mention the horrible things but also don't make her out to be someone she wasn't. The people in attendance will know exactly what she was like so it's unlikely that anyone will take offence at you not declaring a deep love and admiration for your mother.

I think I would leave this until she’s actually dies.
It just seems very manipulative to having you stressing over her impending death and who knows if she’s even being truthful about the illness that could take her away without warning.
I grew up with similar and shes recreating your living on a knife edge experience from childhood - the drama, not knowing what’s going to happen next, manipulating you into feeling sorry for her, making you fearful of the consequences of not doing what she wants.
Try not to give her any head space and just politely humour her when you see her, this is just the latest tactic to keep her grip on you, don’t play along with it.

I didn't attend my mother's funeral, let alone do a eulogy. Dont be forced OP

So the important point for you is that she will not know what happens on the day, funerals are for the people left behind not for the dead person.I would be privately happy that (whatever it is like) she is currently setting it all up and paying for it. A weight off your shoulders.

I agree with asking her to draft the eulogy. She won’t have any problem doing that as a narc because it gives her so much control. Say that you want it to really reflect her, and the beautiful day she has planned out is all about her and what she is like.
See what she drafts. You could use some little quotes from it in the actual eulogy but write your own. Or crowdsource some bits from her sisters that she loves. Whatever feels right for you.

Ask her to draft something. When the time comes email the family and say doing the eulogy is causing you great distress (it is if you’re already worrying about what to say) and does anyone wish to step in or should you have the celebrate/vicar do it.

Get the Celebrant to do the Eulogy and you do a reading. Something like "the dash" would suit as it isn't gushing.

Why have you agreed to this? You don't have to do it.

The eulogy at most funerals I've attended has been mainly factual and often read by the celebrant. I don't think you can go wrong with this - unless you are saying that you really don't want to do it at all .

I understand where you’re coming from but tbh I would file this under Things To Worry About When It Happens

If I were you I would stall for time with ‘I can’t face thinking of your funeral so can’t write it now’ or something similar. Which will also feed her ego a little.
When it came to it I would read a poem and as others have said give some factual info about her and maybe focus on her relationships with her sisters and her gardening etc. That way it will be more about what you don’t say rather than what you have said, and no one will pick you up on that if they think you are grieving.

OP, why are you even thinking of going to her funeral?

In my case I spent years papering over the cracks in the relationship between myself and my narc "mother" but I now regret that I let people believe that everything was ok. It wasn't, she is a covert narc and abused me horrifically behind closed doors. I had that typical fear, obligation and guilt of the child of a narc. She finally said something so horrific that I refused to speak to her in person or on the phone. I've had a lot of therapy since and recognise a lot of the life-long manipulation. I've had letters from her cycling through she meant she was sorry when she apologised (she didn't), she needed me, my letter to her was cold and unforgiving, and finally calling me a liar and telling her to leave me alone. Her side of the family has cut her off and she knows this but doesn't care as she wallows in her victimhood.

I've had flying monkeys trying to get me to visit her. She didn't tell any of them what happened or that she called me a liar and said to leave her alone. A few months ago one of them called to say she was in hospital and expected to die that weekend. She didn't. It was a (failed) ruse to get me in. As pointed out, in your case this shit could go on for years.

I will not be at her funeral. Why would I? You say your mother has left you nothing, I suspect mine will be the same. Even more reason not to attend. If you do go, please make sure it's for you and not for her.

You could send her a made-up eulogy, or as suggested ask her what she wants said, and then just not turn up.

Someone linked above to one of the Insight podcasts, I've listened to most of them and they are incredibly helpful and validating. Try listening to a few and see do they clarify things from your perspective.

Lol.why are you dancing to her tune?

She's just made this all up to get you to tell her how amazing she is. Even if she'd actually booked all this:

'You're not dead yet so ive no idea what I'll say'

Also, Could be wrong but I don't think any minister would be too pleased about her assets being given out AT the funeral.

Honestly though op, you're still doing exactly what she wants, even after all this time. She says to jump and you ask 'how high?'

This isn't a bad idea. Ask her to draft it, she'll probably love gushing about herself and how wonderful she is. Then ask the celebrant to read it stating that she was very organised and had planned out every detail of her funeral including writing her own eulogy. Then the celebrant can read what she wrote with everyone knowing they're your mum's words. Will probably give everyone a laugh.

You won't be able to access her money or hand out property at the funeral.

Get the celebrant to read it for you.

Make it all about her, not about your feelings. If very few people are going, ask them all for a brief story they remember and include those.

She'll be dead. She won't know if you chuck her in the canal.

The whole thing sounds highly manipulative. It's not hard to see why everyone else has gone NC with her.

You're right to refuse to write it now and give it to her, I agree with everyone who's suggested getting her to write it and leave it with the funeral home she's (allegedly) bought the funeral from.

This sounds like a will you decidedly do not want to be the executor for. I would research how to hand this off to a solicitor in case you are, and if possible let those thinking they will have their travel expenses covered know immediately that this can't happen.