Help with a eulogy (for a person who wasn't very nice)

[ThirdCultureKid]

This is long - because it deserves a full explanation and no drip feeding.

I have a narc mother. She is diagnosed with BPD (though of course she thinks the Drs are wrong but 'went along with it' because she gets PIP)

Please understand shes not a nice person. She did a lot of hurtful, selfish and damaging things in her life with absolutely no remorse. (which to be fair is a reflection of her BPD - still doesn't make it less hurtful though) So some of the stuff I lay down later on seems harsh and mean, but trust me - this is my lived experience of her and the frankly terrible things shes done in her life.

In later years her behaviour softened towards me and she limited her narc tendencies because, as she admitted to me while tipsy, I'm the only one left that checks in on her to see if she is dead or alive so she 'has to be careful not to piss me off'. (My Father, his side of the family and my Siblings are all totally NC with her and most live in other countries - I am LC & very much on my own terms.

Shes had some serious health issue recently and it frightened her because she is all alone and a distance from all her other family. I also live a 4 hr drive away from her. She has intense short lived friendships which she cant maintain and currently doesn't have anyone locally to spend time with or make arrangements for her.

She announced by email to all her family and me that she has bought a top rate funeral package (its has a horse and carriage!). She also put aside money to pay for accommodation, spending money and flights for her siblings (and their families) to attend her funeral. She has also outlined that there will be individual bequests of items and money to hand out to family members on attendance, which lets be honest, guarantees their attendance. She lists her wishes in regards to flowers, food and music (all paid for and very reasonable requests)

She has outlined in the order of service that I will be doing a short eulogy - again a totally reasonable request.

I have no clue what to say, I don't like her very much as a person and I only really tolerate her because she is my mother. To be honest I do the bare minimum contact to salve my own guilt at leaving a older lady totally alone.

So I need help with a very vague bland 'horoscope type' eulogy that could apply to anyone but my negative feelings keep getting in the way.

A little about her:

We don't have any hobbies in common (except she likes one upping me in gardening) She loves shopping, she goes out four days a week shopping all day. Go home, try it all on, put the items in the house move things around essentially play with it all and the next day she takes it all back so she can spend the money again - so it is a pointless waste of time)

She enjoys interior design because she thinks it makes her a cut above everyone else having a noteworthy home. She drinks to excess, loves her many sisters wholeheartedly its the only love she has for anybody. Would lie and throw you under the bus without hesitation if there was something in it for her or it made her look good, but also do it so well you would be amazed at the skill of it.

She is genuinely good with her hands and in another life she could have been a master craftsman of ceramics, interior design or art (really, she was excellent and she has a great eye - but also inherently lazy so the time it took to produce items that caused people to lavish praise was too much effort). She keeps getting puppies, and re homes them when they are not cute anymore (untrained) because she loves that people come over to coo at a puppy and she basks in the reflected attention. (she only stopped doing this after we had a massive falling out and I said I would never ever speak to her again if she got another puppy)

She thinks she is beautiful, and all her children are a disappointment because we are all stocky and heavy featured like our father. She channels the lady of the manor energy. She is closet racist, one of the 'I'm not racist..... but' bunch. She is spiteful and blames everyone else for her mistakes. She is rude to shop staff and will lie to their managers about their behaviour to get what she wants and she is totally fine with that.

So what can I weave from that? or is there a reading that would be fitting?

If any family members are putting pressure on you, either at the time or after the funeral, just say you knew you would be feeling too emotional to speak in public.

There have been some very good suggestions, especially from @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand and @Nicecow

I’d also suggest giving the congregation a minute to think of their happiest or favourite memory of her, maybe the option of standing up and sharing that or just keeping quiet to string it out a bit.

Actually, no.

I will be the only child attending. Her family live abroad and love her, they get to see her during holidays and visits while she is on her best behaviour, showing off her nice house, wonderful things and lavish (to them) lifestyle. They didn't get to see the narc side of her - she always wanted them to think the best of her and she would do anything to make sure they envied her status and position in life as the good and great daughter that did so well for herself.

She does have money but i am expecting that she will be Lady Bountiful to her family because she needs them to admire her. We already expect her children to be cut out (me included) that so im not sure what drama she can actually whip up.

Use Chat GPT. YouTube will have a tutorial on it.

I’ve been to many funerals (past career as a jobbing organist) and the family doesn’t always do a eulogy. Sometimes they’re too distressed.

But if you feel you have to, a factual account about what she did can be made without any value made on her. “She loved roses and enjoyed her annual trips to the great nothingness market garden” “she took great pleasure in planning this funeral, and I am grateful to you for being here with me today”. “She always spoke fondly of growing up in Little Boring even though her hatred of beetroot from her early school days stayed with her all her life”.

I did not have quite the same but I did do a eulogy for my grandmother who, frankly, had no relationships. No friends apart from one from childhood, two distant-ish sons and two granddaughters. Had no contact with her sister. Attended mass once a fortnight and Waitrose once a week, and that was it for 40 years. I spun a lot out of her ability to make roast potatoes…

I agree with the PPs saying just keep it factual. Sorry if I'm missing the point, but if she was diagnosed with a mental illness, aren't you being a little harsh about her in your OP? Maybe you can make allowances for some of her misdemeanors due to her personality disorder? Some people just aren't 'wired up right' , if you see what I mean.

I feel for you that she wants this now. That is very cotrolling and narcissitic. You can either fake it (google for one and tell her it's hers) or tell her no and deal withthe fallout, which would be awful. On the day itself you can keep it factual, dob, events of her life such as births of her children or relationships and jobs, you don't have to refer to the nature of her relationships with others. I got this idea from going to a funeral of a family who aren't very emotional. They loved the parent who had died but it was literrally factual and I thought it was a great idea. I plan to do the same for my father as we have a complex relationship that doesn't need to be aired.

What is her background? My mother was an extremely difficult person but it sprang in part from the fact that she had had a pretty dreadful childhood, and my brother who did the eulogy mentioned it and gave her credit for coping with that and getting past it.

This is tough OP. I have a very strained relationship with my DM and do wonder how the end of her life will play out when it arrives. Mine is the same re her dog too....! I also empathize with what a lonely position this is to be in.

Some useful tips here: How To Write A Eulogy For A Narcissistic Mother (innertoxicrelief.com) I particularly like the piece around thinking of what "gifts" her behaviour has given to you... "I didn't ask what it did to you, but what it did for you". This may be useful too as it's in a similar vein: My (Potential) Eulogy for My Mother – Tara Barthel

When my lovely dad died, the celebrant really guided us about the whole thing and basically put it together for us. They are used to do doing that and also used to capturing things in just the right way. A lot of that was factual stuff with some personal things sprinkled in. Can you ask her sisters for stories of them all growing up?

I would put something like: DM was born in 19XX in PLACE, during an era of XXX. Daughter of XX and XX and sister to XXX and XXX who she adored. DM went to school in XXX and apparently excelled in ABC. She first worked in XYZ and established long-lasting friendships with XX, XX and XX from then. She met XX, my father in 19XX and had her 1/2/3/4 children. We grew up in the town of XX where she lived until she died last month. As a child she loved to do XXX. As a young adult and teenager in the 60s she was a huge MUSIC/BAND fan and I have many memories of listening to their music as a child myself. She was outgoing and gregarious - loved to dance and socialise, and had a creative streak that ran through her career as a XXX and also her hobbies such as XXX and XXX. She made friends easily and enjoyed frequest holidays to XXX. Her assertive nature instilled in me a sense of XXX and

Does you mum want to see blimmin' draft?

When my MIL passed we had a celebrant come round and we had a long chat all about MIL, life, history, memories etc and she then wrote the eulogy, which was fantastic and truthful, kindly referencing her peculiarities without being too harsh. The celebrant also said that she has created several eulogies with input from the 'deceased', i.e., she visits people who are planning their funerals and speaks at length to them and they can then 'approve' their own eulogies - this would give your mother the chance to feel happy with what is said and you would not need to worry about speaking your truths if you didn't wish to.
Those that know the truth, your siblings, know. And those who believe her version will not believe anything you say at the funeral anyway - so better to present the eulogy as her voice from beyond IMHO.

You don’t have to do a eulogy - just say yes and then read a poem instead

born on, sister of, mother of, spirited woman who enjoyed creativity and the arts, lived her live as she chose, fast paced and energetic, will be missed by … will appreciate you all being here.

I don’t know, something like that. I won’t be going to my ‘mothers’ when she goes so probably not the best to ask.

Generate something using ChatGPT.

Don’t go into details of what school she went to and her job history. It isn’t a CV and anyone who is there will have known her. Short & sweet!

Definitely this.

Keep it factual and allude to her general positives that you’ve mentioned, however transient). You don’t need to sing her praises as a mother.

Fellow Awful Mother Owener here. Also had massive reservations over her eulogy, particularly as immediately after her death my father was leaning towards amnesia about how awful she was and had chosen a very nice vicar to do it. Turns out nice vicar clocked the situation immediately and as she gathered the timeline type information to include she tried out a few euphemisms on us to see which we were happy with. So the eulogy did acknowledge her years of alcoholism and the effects it had on all around her, but didn't mention the trying to stab her family on a frequent basis - I think she used "occasionally quite difficult to live with" to cover that. Quite honestly having someone trained and experienced- and a step removed - to at least write the thing helped enormously. A celebrant would help you with it.

Get chatGBT to write one 😂

or don’t bother!

My dad is a total arsehole OP and I will NOT be doing one when the time comes

yes this- ask others for their favourite stories and just shoe horn them in.

Or tell the truth. My aunt did about my nasty embittered grandmother. It was certainly memorable!

Could one of her sisters who she loves do the Eulogy?

I wouldn't let her eat up any more of your thoughts and time than she already has.

Put her factual details and a few of her hobbies into chatgpt and ask it to write a ulogy.

Then copy paste and send to her
Done.

Go back to living your life.

have I got this wrong? I thought your mother wants to read the eulogy now? So this is a way of extracting praise from you.

i think I might be inclined to say that you find the whole,idea too distressing, you don’t want to have to manufacture grief and loss. You will do what you you think is correct when the occasion arises.

when it does, there is no need to have a eulogy. This came in fairly recently in my experience, we used just to follow the funeral service which is about death and salvation, basically. No need for personalisation.

God, reading that makes me want to go NC with your mother. I think you should spend some time disentangling your emotions. She could live a very long time, and is still only manipulating you. There is no love there, either way.

I think it can be okay to acknowledge a difficult relationship. "Sometimes me and Mum butted heads but I will always appreciate the good advice she gave me about gardening. Mum sure was great in the garden! She taught me ..." If that works. Or read a poem, a section of a book she loved, play a song. Like you, I couldn't lie but I could talk around the tough stuff.

We had a similar situation with a family member who put on a show of being a doting father, husband and son but anyone who knew him at all well knew that he was a cheating, manipulative, lying, thieving, abusive alcoholic. He died fairly young and for most of his adult life had no job, hobbies etc. His parents wanted someone who knew him to do a eulogy but did not want any acknowledgement or even suggestion of his 'troubles'.

The person who did the eulogy referred to a few things he achieved as a child, commented on a few things he enjoyed (these were not hobbies or things he was particularly good at or put any real effort in to). Mentioned how proud he was to be a father (which was perfect, he showed no sign of being proud of his DC achievements or personalities and no sign of caring for them, but it was true to say he was proud that he had procreated!). To fill a bit more time she said something about all of us having known him in different contexts and asked everyone to take a moment to silently remember what he meant to them (genius I thought). She finished by thanking everyone for coming and said how happy it would have made him to see everyone gathered together to remember him (again true, he didn't care about anyone but himself but would have loved the fact that everyone felt compelled to come together and focus on him without feeling able to say what a shit he was). Perhaps OP could do something similar.

Awful relationship with DF here, doubt there will be much of a eulogy and I certainly won't be reading it. Commiserating with you as know how hard it is x