Help with a eulogy (for a person who wasn't very nice)

[ThirdCultureKid]

This is long - because it deserves a full explanation and no drip feeding.

I have a narc mother. She is diagnosed with BPD (though of course she thinks the Drs are wrong but 'went along with it' because she gets PIP)

Please understand shes not a nice person. She did a lot of hurtful, selfish and damaging things in her life with absolutely no remorse. (which to be fair is a reflection of her BPD - still doesn't make it less hurtful though) So some of the stuff I lay down later on seems harsh and mean, but trust me - this is my lived experience of her and the frankly terrible things shes done in her life.

In later years her behaviour softened towards me and she limited her narc tendencies because, as she admitted to me while tipsy, I'm the only one left that checks in on her to see if she is dead or alive so she 'has to be careful not to piss me off'. (My Father, his side of the family and my Siblings are all totally NC with her and most live in other countries - I am LC & very much on my own terms.

Shes had some serious health issue recently and it frightened her because she is all alone and a distance from all her other family. I also live a 4 hr drive away from her. She has intense short lived friendships which she cant maintain and currently doesn't have anyone locally to spend time with or make arrangements for her.

She announced by email to all her family and me that she has bought a top rate funeral package (its has a horse and carriage!). She also put aside money to pay for accommodation, spending money and flights for her siblings (and their families) to attend her funeral. She has also outlined that there will be individual bequests of items and money to hand out to family members on attendance, which lets be honest, guarantees their attendance. She lists her wishes in regards to flowers, food and music (all paid for and very reasonable requests)

She has outlined in the order of service that I will be doing a short eulogy - again a totally reasonable request.

I have no clue what to say, I don't like her very much as a person and I only really tolerate her because she is my mother. To be honest I do the bare minimum contact to salve my own guilt at leaving a older lady totally alone.

So I need help with a very vague bland 'horoscope type' eulogy that could apply to anyone but my negative feelings keep getting in the way.

A little about her:

We don't have any hobbies in common (except she likes one upping me in gardening) She loves shopping, she goes out four days a week shopping all day. Go home, try it all on, put the items in the house move things around essentially play with it all and the next day she takes it all back so she can spend the money again - so it is a pointless waste of time)

She enjoys interior design because she thinks it makes her a cut above everyone else having a noteworthy home. She drinks to excess, loves her many sisters wholeheartedly its the only love she has for anybody. Would lie and throw you under the bus without hesitation if there was something in it for her or it made her look good, but also do it so well you would be amazed at the skill of it.

She is genuinely good with her hands and in another life she could have been a master craftsman of ceramics, interior design or art (really, she was excellent and she has a great eye - but also inherently lazy so the time it took to produce items that caused people to lavish praise was too much effort). She keeps getting puppies, and re homes them when they are not cute anymore (untrained) because she loves that people come over to coo at a puppy and she basks in the reflected attention. (she only stopped doing this after we had a massive falling out and I said I would never ever speak to her again if she got another puppy)

She thinks she is beautiful, and all her children are a disappointment because we are all stocky and heavy featured like our father. She channels the lady of the manor energy. She is closet racist, one of the 'I'm not racist..... but' bunch. She is spiteful and blames everyone else for her mistakes. She is rude to shop staff and will lie to their managers about their behaviour to get what she wants and she is totally fine with that.

So what can I weave from that? or is there a reading that would be fitting?

You mention that family used to come and visit her and have a lovely time. Could you ask them for some of their favourite memories. If you want you could ask your Mom is there anything that she would like included.

Do you have a funny anecdote that can go in?

Is there one charactèristic about her that wasn't negative e.g. she was very adventurous, or loved animals?

Also, ambiguous statements that sound emotional can be useful if you don't want to lie - "the world just won't be the same without her in" (while secretly thinking that it will be better without her in it!)

I asked Chat GPT to write one for you. Not sure it's going to do the trick, though...

Dear Mom,

Today, I stand before you to say my final goodbyes. You were my mother, and for that, I will always be grateful. But our relationship was complicated, to say the least.

I remember how you loved to garden, and how you always seemed to want to outdo me in that area. I could never understand why it mattered so much to you, but I suppose it was your way of feeling superior to others. You always loved to shop, and I remember how you would spend hours on end browsing through stores, trying on clothes, and buying things you didn't need. It was a pointless waste of time, but it was what you loved to do.

You were also passionate about interior design. You loved to create a beautiful home and show it off to others. You believed it made you better than everyone else, but I never saw it that way. To me, it was just another way for you to try and impress people and feel superior.

You had a talent for art, ceramics, and interior design. You were genuinely good with your hands, and I remember how people would lavish praise on your creations. But you were also inherently lazy and never put in the time and effort to produce anything significant.

I remember how you loved your sisters wholeheartedly. It was the only genuine love you had for anyone. But you would lie and throw me under the bus without hesitation if there was something in it for you or if it made you look good. You did it so well that sometimes I was amazed at the skill of it.

Despite all of this, I know that you were my mother, and I will always love you in my own way. I hope that wherever you are, you have found peace and that you are finally able to see the world in a different light.

Rest in peace, Mom.

Wow.
You could write something you know she'd approve of.
Then when the time comes, change it completely or don't say anything at all.
It's not like she's going to know, is it.

Why are you allowing yourself to continue being abused by your mum?
You said you could no longer tolerate lies and dishonesty. Do not waste any more energy on her. Do not even attend her funeral and the truth about her may finally be unveiled.

I didn't go to my mother's funeral (a) because I didn't want to and (b) because I was relegated to friend status by her partner. I did sit in my local church for 5 minutes though.
I'd get her to write her own eulogy and when the time comes don't go. She's not going to know and who the hell cares what other people think. They weren't in your and your mothers relationship.

i wouldn't be surprised if other people dont actually expect anything nice either, they all know her - anything nice you'd come up with they will know it's half-truth at best

your mother's lifelong work was ensuring that she was so universally disliked she has to bribe people into going to her self-organised funeral. let her bask in the glory of her achievement - literally the last person she has left in her life cannot come up with few sincere good words about her. nobody will care if you read something out - assuming anyone will bother to come at all

You don't have to have a eulogy. She won't be there to complain.

Sandra was born in 1951, the much loved second child of A&B. She enjoyed a happy childhood with her siblings C, D & E.

Aged 18 she left home to start work as a F and later moved on to do G. Outside of work Sandra was very creative and had a passion for interior design.

In 1974 she met H and they went on to have me, my sister I and brother J (keep this bit extremely brief and factual).

Her health deteriorated in 2023, with news that she had K. This condition took her life in L, join me in saying goodbye and wishing her peace.

This is perfect.

I put a summary of your post into ChatGPT, this is what it gave me…

Today, we gather to pay our respects to [Name], a person who has left this world and touched the lives of many, although not always in the most positive way. [Name] was a complex individual, someone who was not always easy to get along with, and who struggled with relationships with those closest to her.
Despite these challenges, there were things that brought joy and fulfillment to [Name]'s life. She had a passion for gardening, spending hours tending to her plants and creating beautiful outdoor spaces. She had an eye for interior design and loved nothing more than a day spent shopping for unique decor pieces. And of course, her love of puppies was evident to anyone who knew her, although she struggled with the responsibilities that come with pet ownership.
[Name] was also someone who had a natural talent for working with her hands. Whether it was crafting ceramics, creating beautiful interior design pieces, or producing art, she had a gift that could have made her a master in any of these fields.
But perhaps what defined [Name] most was her love for her many sisters. Despite her difficulties in other relationships, she was devoted to her family and cherished the bonds that they shared.
It is true that [Name] was not always the easiest person to be around. Her relationships with her children and wider family were complicated, and there were times when she struggled to show kindness and empathy. But today, as we reflect on her life, we choose to focus on the positive moments, the times when she brought beauty and joy into the world, the times when she loved deeply and fiercely, the times when her natural talents shone through.
May [Name]'s memory live on through the things she loved, through the beauty she created, and through the love she had for her family. Rest in peace, [Name].

This is good and you can say she was a keen gardener as well.

I have a similar mother.........she's manipulating you now and from beyond the grave. I would change all the arrangements once she has gone and it would be a direct cremation with no service! You'd probably find the relatives were grateful that they didn't have to come from another country........

'We can all learn from the example my mother set. My mother was cold, ruthless, manipulative and dare I say, one evil (sorry minister) bitch. She lied, she bullied, she even tried to control us from beyond the grave with particulars for this ceremony. I daresay none of us will mourn her. And that's sad. But she is an example none the less. An example of the sort of person we should never let ourselves become.

Because of her, I will strive each day, to put more happiness into the world than she took out of it. So for all her failings and cruelties, i suppose she has at least inspired that. And I hope, the same can be said for everyone else here. God be with us. Because I very much doubt he is with her'

Send her off with a bang xD

Can I suggest that you do as someone else mentioned up thread, ask her to write her own letter/eulogy that you say you'll read out.

Then on the day of the funeral, do the old switcheroo and say what @Pinkbonbon has suggested? She won't know any different and think you've done everything according to her wishes.

I'd go for a factual one, not least because that's often the most interesting bit (how come no one had ever told me my great aunt had been a WREN in Alexandria in WWII?) But also, no one can dispute where she was born etc, whereas "loved by all" or something might bring comments.

Mind you, at my mother's funeral, the vicar (who had known her well,) said, "you could never be sure when she liked you, but you'd definitely know when she didn't..." Don't think I'd have dared say that, though!

The most interesting funerals I've been to were a narrative of that persons life.
Sounds boring written down but I find it fascinating hearing where they went to school worked etc.

'My mum loved her animals, I had to put my foot down eventually or she'd have been overwhelmed by them' smile and laugh

'I wish she'd have been able to pursue ceramics, the pieces she was able to create were absolutely beautiful' it's true

Finish with, 'mum didn't always find life easy, she found her fun in things I didn't often understand. But I'm glad these things made her happy and I hope she's at peace now'

I would stay very factual. I was in a similar position to you though I was ‘fortunate’ in that my person died at the height of the pandemic. So there was just a burial with a handful of prayers by the priest. If I had been called to say something I would’ve gone very factual and left the horrible details hardly anyone knew out. The way I saw it was that if someone knew, they knew. If they didn’t know, then they probably wouldn’t want to know.

I really think this is something you should not be worrying about now. Think about it when the time comes, if you feel up to it. You can't possibly know now how you will feel about standing up and speaking at the funeral, and your Mum can't make you do it if you don't want to. It says a lot about her treatment of you, that she has you stressing now, about something that you may or may not decide to do, at some unspecified time in the future.

I know it isn't the same thing at all eulogy-wise, but this talk of just staying to the basic facts has reminded me of the episode of The IT Crowd, where tribute is being paid to the three main (still living) characters and their strengths:

Jen - 'The Go-Getter'
Moss - 'The Genius'
Roy - 'The Man from Ireland'

You have near enough written it in these paragraphs, keep it short and focus on the being at peace now.

Holy Moly User- using Chat GPT to draft it. That’s an absolute stroke of genius.

😂