Is it over?

[Tryingandfailing82]

Hi all,

Hoping to get the advice of others. My girlfriend broke up with me today. I'm pretty broken up about it, but I did want to get opinions as to whether there's a chance of something in the future. Thank you for any advice you're able to give. I'll be as honest as I can.

It was a short relationship (only 2-3 months), but after a few weeks we started seeing each other every day (so became fairly intense quickly). We're both 40 years old for everyone's info. Anyway, things were going really well, we saw each other a lot (mix of dates and chilling at home). We both have two teenage children and they've all met (and got on really well). From the start we felt we could tell each other everything.

However, I have insecurities (this is where things went wrong I assume). I became too needy and jealous (obviously unattractive qualities). She did seem ok with reassuring me and we kept seeing each other, but last Friday we had a big chat - wasn't an argument really but I could sense she had grown tired of the stress. She needs a no stress relationship and ice obviously not given that recently.

This morning we spoke and she said she didn't feel it was working. Said she liked me still, but after this time she'd hope to have felt more. I had stupidly professed my love for her a couple of weeks ago and this was too much for her at the time.

My question regarding whether I still have a chance in the future is surrounding her feelings. Even the day before our discussion she was telling me how special I am and how much she likes me. We had made lots of plans (with the kids, with just us) for the coming weeks and months. We continued to be intimate and that all went well.

I truly believe that the stress I caused stopped feelings from being able to develop even more and that it all became too much for her. I saw her as my forever after and I don't want to look back and say what if.

I've not messaged since right after the split (which was all five and I just said thank you for being so great about it all).

Is there a chance? What could/should I do? I'm not holding out hope but I don't want to just give up. She's really special.

8-12 weeks and she’s your ever after? No. Just no. Way too much, too intense, too soon.

I would try and learn from this and move on. Honestly.

Is this your first relationship post divorce?

Do nothing.
You broke up TODAY having been together 2 months. You introduced your teenage children and made plans foe the future. It was way too fast and way too intense.
Get therapy for your insecurities and work on yourself.

Completely get that. She was acting the same too so I fed off of that (each other really). It did feel incredibly strange how we seemed to click so quickly.

I definitely have re-assessed some things and feel like we could work. It just felt like such a sudden shift.

No. I had one for about 6 months and another shorter one.

Jealousy had no place in a relationship. It may be wise to seek therapy for yourself to help with that as if you're making someone feel stressed (let alone just a few months in) you're not in a place to be having relationships right now. You need to do the self work.

Completely agree and I'm actually seeing a therapist starting next week.

My main thing was regarding if there was a chance in the future. It wasn't just me arranging these things. She would invite me to do things/stay over etc just as often.

Definitely happened fast (although my ex-wife and I moved in pretty much within a couple of weeks and that lasted 18 years).

If this is your first go at dating / relationships post divorce it will feel more intense because it’s almost like a new awakening after a horrible drought. Been there, done that. I had a 6 month relationship after my ex dh left and honestly when that ended I was more upset than I was when my marriage ended 😳 - I think it had been a bit of a distraction and when it ended I really had to look at myself. I did then go on to meet now dh after about a year or so later (married 15 years now).

Dating in the early stages should be light and comfortable, having fun doing stuff out and about getting to know each other. Not settling into practically living together after 8 weeks.

Thank you. I agree. Already arranged a therapist before the break up happened.

I wasn't looking to get back right now. It was more wondering if there was a future chance based on the things she said. I definitely need to fix my brain first.

Good on you for deciding to see someone to talk this through.

As for things moving quickly...op things can't move quickly unless you let them. You need to address boundary setting for yourself. Examine why you rush into things so fast (eg: if there may be a fear of being single and so just jumping into relationships because...any port in a storm. Instead of learning how to be happy when it's just you).

My instinct is thinking that if you've stressed her so much that she's dumped you she probably won't want to give it a second chance. But I can't be sure. Well done for the therapy.

It wasn't my first relationship, but definitely felt more real than the one that lasted 6 months. Hindsight is 20/20 and we both rushed way too quickly.

We had plenty of fun but obviously went too quickly.

I am annoyed though as I connected with her more than I thought possible. I just got too intense. I'll work on me. I won't chase her, but I do wish there was a way we could try again down the line. She still has feelings, but it was too much too soon.

That's the crazy thing! I had pretty much decided single life was fine for me. I was deleting the apps and thought I'd have one last click through Hinge. There she was. I was happy being single, but got caught up in her. I think I rushed because she seemed happy to. I am definitely impulsive and it's but me badly here.

Tbh...not if she has sense.

She probably isn't in a healthy place either and she's recognised that. It wouldn't be wise for either of you to go back there.

Ok. Thank you for replying.

I've not been in this situation before so it's why I asked. I was hoping that because of the feelings being there and the planning future things there may be a chance (possibly after time and space).

Her last words were she was going to get some head space and think about things.

I know it's probably a no, but it's good to hear other people's opinions.

Not to say you couldn't be friends and see where that led. But I think its best to leave the ball in her court. She's called it a day so probably best to respect that.

Yes. I will. I've not messaged (she messaged later in the morning with a funny video - I responded with a laughing face). I'll leave her be.

Do you think reaching out in a couple of weeks/month could be an idea? Not for anything serious, just to say hi. Possibly catch up.

Oh yes. I also ordered a small gift last week before we split. I don't really want to get rid as I ordered it for her.

Should I just leave it at the door with a note?

I think the question is more 'Why do you want a chance with someone who just dropped you, today?'

Hasn't she become the ultimate turn off, by ending the relationship? If not, why not?

A valid question. Honestly because I feel we can be great together. I've dated before and had some relationships post marriage, but nothing felt quite like this.

Also, the fact that it feels the break up was from actions of mine that could be worked on, not necessarily that she no longer likes me.

Don't give her a gift. You're not together.

Feels weird not to after I ordered it before the split, but I see what you're saying.

It would feel more bloody weird for her when she received it.

You've said you could be great together. But you are jealous and insecure and too intense. There's nothing great about that behaviour and you're on here asking if you might have a chance with her. Leave her alone, she's made her decision.

Give it 6 months before contacting her. By that point you'll be able to see things more clearly and know if you're feelings are genuine. If you do get in touch just keep it as a friendship.