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Original poster

Is it over?

125 replies

Tryingandfailing82 · 01/05/2023 20:12

Hi all,

Hoping to get the advice of others. My girlfriend broke up with me today. I'm pretty broken up about it, but I did want to get opinions as to whether there's a chance of something in the future. Thank you for any advice you're able to give. I'll be as honest as I can.

It was a short relationship (only 2-3 months), but after a few weeks we started seeing each other every day (so became fairly intense quickly). We're both 40 years old for everyone's info. Anyway, things were going really well, we saw each other a lot (mix of dates and chilling at home). We both have two teenage children and they've all met (and got on really well). From the start we felt we could tell each other everything.

However, I have insecurities (this is where things went wrong I assume). I became too needy and jealous (obviously unattractive qualities). She did seem ok with reassuring me and we kept seeing each other, but last Friday we had a big chat - wasn't an argument really but I could sense she had grown tired of the stress. She needs a no stress relationship and ice obviously not given that recently.

This morning we spoke and she said she didn't feel it was working. Said she liked me still, but after this time she'd hope to have felt more. I had stupidly professed my love for her a couple of weeks ago and this was too much for her at the time.

My question regarding whether I still have a chance in the future is surrounding her feelings. Even the day before our discussion she was telling me how special I am and how much she likes me. We had made lots of plans (with the kids, with just us) for the coming weeks and months. We continued to be intimate and that all went well.

I truly believe that the stress I caused stopped feelings from being able to develop even more and that it all became too much for her. I saw her as my forever after and I don't want to look back and say what if.

I've not messaged since right after the split (which was all five and I just said thank you for being so great about it all).

Is there a chance? What could/should I do? I'm not holding out hope but I don't want to just give up. She's really special.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 01/05/2023 21:13

Bunnywabbity · 01/05/2023 21:08

You've said you could be great together. But you are jealous and insecure and too intense. There's nothing great about that behaviour and you're on here asking if you might have a chance with her. Leave her alone, she's made her decision.

Completely get that. It's why I'm working on my insecurities (she's also working on hers with her therapist). It was more looking in the future. Even with all that, we got on really well. Just wish we'd been slower.

Already committed to leaving her alone. Her decision has been made. I guess it was more how non-final it sounded. I asked if there was a chance of trying and she said it wouldn't be fair on me but she needs to get some head space to think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 01/05/2023 21:14

BounceyB · 01/05/2023 21:12

Give it 6 months before contacting her. By that point you'll be able to see things more clearly and know if you're feelings are genuine. If you do get in touch just keep it as a friendship.

Thank you.

What should I do if she messages me?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/05/2023 22:25

Honestly because I feel we can be great together

But you're not. She broke up with you. She doesn't feel the same.

Sorry to be harsh, but that's the reality. You know, I feel like me and Liam Hemsworth could be great together, but it has to take two, so, with just me... it's not going to happen.

Do you know what an anxious attachment style is, @Tryingandfailing82 ?

Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 01/05/2023 22:40

Watchkeys · 01/05/2023 22:25

Honestly because I feel we can be great together

But you're not. She broke up with you. She doesn't feel the same.

Sorry to be harsh, but that's the reality. You know, I feel like me and Liam Hemsworth could be great together, but it has to take two, so, with just me... it's not going to happen.

Do you know what an anxious attachment style is, @Tryingandfailing82 ?

Yes. I've been reading a lot about it. One of the things I'll be discussing with the therapist. She has avoidant attachment style.

I do hear what you're saying with her breaking up with me. My post was about the future and a chance of getting back together based on her words and actions prior to the break up (leading me to believe she saw a potential future and has feelings still).

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 02/05/2023 00:02

But surely if you're posting on a forum to ask what other people think, you must be able to see an air of desperation in your manner? Do you feel ok with that? The fact that if we'd said 'Oh, sure, she'll be back within a week!' That would have been enough to make you feel better?

TheSaint01 · 02/05/2023 00:33

Are you sure you're 40?
This is your second relationship since your divorce and the other only lasted 6 months?

I think you need to chill, spend time with your kids and maybe not be so needy -
Very unattractive for a man to be that needy that his 'girlfriend' of only 8 weeks needs a break already.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but if it was a woman acting like that we would be called psychos ....

Boltonb · 02/05/2023 00:39

You’ve been too intense. Now she’s broken up with you, and you’re posting on an Internet forum trying to gauge whether you’ve got a future with her, and wanting to leave a present on her doorstep?

NO

SunflowerTed · 02/05/2023 03:43

Tryingandfailing82 · 01/05/2023 20:34

Oh yes. I also ordered a small gift last week before we split. I don't really want to get rid as I ordered it for her.

Should I just leave it at the door with a note?

No I wouldn’t the gift - it will look like you’re trying you hard and not respecting her boyndaries

snitzelvoncrumb · 02/05/2023 03:59

Break up suck. Don’t contact her and definitely don’t give her the gift. Do something nice for yourself, plan something to look forward to and move on. Focus on your therapy then down the track start dating again. It might feel like the end of the world, and that she was perfect but you won’t feel like that in a few months. Let this go knowing next time you meet someone you will be in a different frame of mind and it might go differently.
But you must not contact her. She will most likely just block you and you will feel worse. It can be scary to have someone continue to contact you after a break up and I’m sure you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. All the best

Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 02/05/2023 04:38

Thanks all. I agree with a lot of what you're saying.

What do I do if she contacts me though?

I also added her to my English Heritage membership (after we discussed it and she loved the idea). Annoyingly the card will arrive this week. 🤦🏻‍♂️

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 02/05/2023 04:45

If she contacts you that’s different. If you want to respond you can. It’s also ok to not respond if you don’t want to. The important thing it to not contact her.

MissSmiley · 02/05/2023 05:06

The best thing you can do is move on, don't contact her, don't reply if she contacts you, and definitely don't give her the gift, if she's got any doubt whatsoever then you going quiet will make her wonder what you're up to, but she's ended it, I would assume you won't hear from her again.

MrsRickAstley · 02/05/2023 05:14

Oh look another post where OP's moved too quick, introduced kids and now it's gone wrong.

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2023 05:35

The best thing you can do is block her number and move on; go to your therapy; learn from it. Don’t message her, don’t leave the present; leave her alone.

Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 02/05/2023 07:09

Woke up to a good morning message.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelle · 02/05/2023 07:21

That’s really unfair of her, after she broke up with you. I’d be tempted to not reply, or reply to say something like I think this breakup will be easier to process if we don’t keep in touch, at least for a while.

She can’t have it both ways.

Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 02/05/2023 07:29

CaptainMarvelle · 02/05/2023 07:21

That’s really unfair of her, after she broke up with you. I’d be tempted to not reply, or reply to say something like I think this breakup will be easier to process if we don’t keep in touch, at least for a while.

She can’t have it both ways.

Yeah. I haven't replied yet. Feels wrong not to, like she's reaching out but I'll process and think first.

OP posts:
BigButtons · 02/05/2023 07:35

Avoidants do that. They pull away and then go back in when it suits them. Both of your attachment styles cannot work until you are both far more secure. She is not the woman for you now- because of where you are both currently at. Good luck.🙂

Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 02/05/2023 18:20

I replied. I just said morning back. She said have a good day and I left it there.

I'm still working on me whatever. I'll see if she reaches out again.

OP posts:
OhwhyOY · 02/05/2023 21:04

Did you tell her about your therapy? I'd maybe give it a couple of weeks and then tell her about that and that you're open to meeting up and chatting again if she wants to, no pressure. But agree with others than one anxious attachment person and the other with avoidance tendencies sounds like a recipe for heartbreak.

Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 02/05/2023 22:02

OhwhyOY · 02/05/2023 21:04

Did you tell her about your therapy? I'd maybe give it a couple of weeks and then tell her about that and that you're open to meeting up and chatting again if she wants to, no pressure. But agree with others than one anxious attachment person and the other with avoidance tendencies sounds like a recipe for heartbreak.

No. I haven't yet because I want to do that for me, not to try and show her I'm changing.

I will potentially message in a week or two to say hi (she said to message any time). Will see if conversation starts and maybe catch up. Might tell her then.

OP posts:
tailinthejam · 02/05/2023 22:13

Tryingandfailing82 · 01/05/2023 22:40

Yes. I've been reading a lot about it. One of the things I'll be discussing with the therapist. She has avoidant attachment style.

I do hear what you're saying with her breaking up with me. My post was about the future and a chance of getting back together based on her words and actions prior to the break up (leading me to believe she saw a potential future and has feelings still).

Show quote history

Basing the potential for the two of you to get back together on her words and actions before the split is one thing.

Realising why she broke up with you is what you need to be thinking about. If it was based on your neediness and jealousy (particularly the jealousy) then it is unlikely she'll want to rekindle the relationship unless you sort yourself out.

What was the cause of your jealousy?

Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 02/05/2023 22:51

tailinthejam · 02/05/2023 22:13

Basing the potential for the two of you to get back together on her words and actions before the split is one thing.

Realising why she broke up with you is what you need to be thinking about. If it was based on your neediness and jealousy (particularly the jealousy) then it is unlikely she'll want to rekindle the relationship unless you sort yourself out.

What was the cause of your jealousy?

Show quote history

I'm definitely on the way already to sorting it out. Realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks. She had given me everything I needed to feel secure in the relationship, but I still doubted things. I am hoping the therapist will be able to help me work through why, but I have been hurt in the past and I imagine it stems from that.

I already feel like I'm able to sort out those jealous aspects. I just don't have a chance to show that.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 03/05/2023 09:14

Very likely it stems from your relationship with your mother. That's where we mostly develop our attachment styles, and the hurts you've mentioned in the past will also be based in what you learned as a child.

Was your mother consistently loving and available for you? Did she listen to and respect your feelings? Or was she somehow distracted, by, say, illness/addiction/demanding sibling/difficult relationship with your father, etc?

Original poster
Tryingandfailing82 · 03/05/2023 19:28

Ok. Update. We were all meant to be seeing the new Guardians film tonight (kids and us). She'd already said her and the kids wouldn't go which is understandable. Turns out my daughter and I probably couldn't go either so I messaged just to say use the tickets with friends if you want.
We then had a 30 minute messaging chat. It wasn't planned, but just happened. She finished it just saying it was really nice to hear from me (I'd not messaged bar replying morning).

OP posts:
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