Is it over?

[Tryingandfailing82]

Hi all,

Hoping to get the advice of others. My girlfriend broke up with me today. I'm pretty broken up about it, but I did want to get opinions as to whether there's a chance of something in the future. Thank you for any advice you're able to give. I'll be as honest as I can.

It was a short relationship (only 2-3 months), but after a few weeks we started seeing each other every day (so became fairly intense quickly). We're both 40 years old for everyone's info. Anyway, things were going really well, we saw each other a lot (mix of dates and chilling at home). We both have two teenage children and they've all met (and got on really well). From the start we felt we could tell each other everything.

However, I have insecurities (this is where things went wrong I assume). I became too needy and jealous (obviously unattractive qualities). She did seem ok with reassuring me and we kept seeing each other, but last Friday we had a big chat - wasn't an argument really but I could sense she had grown tired of the stress. She needs a no stress relationship and ice obviously not given that recently.

This morning we spoke and she said she didn't feel it was working. Said she liked me still, but after this time she'd hope to have felt more. I had stupidly professed my love for her a couple of weeks ago and this was too much for her at the time.

My question regarding whether I still have a chance in the future is surrounding her feelings. Even the day before our discussion she was telling me how special I am and how much she likes me. We had made lots of plans (with the kids, with just us) for the coming weeks and months. We continued to be intimate and that all went well.

I truly believe that the stress I caused stopped feelings from being able to develop even more and that it all became too much for her. I saw her as my forever after and I don't want to look back and say what if.

I've not messaged since right after the split (which was all five and I just said thank you for being so great about it all).

Is there a chance? What could/should I do? I'm not holding out hope but I don't want to just give up. She's really special.

To have introduced your children so soon into a relationship was unforgivable. You’ve ramped up the intensity when you should have been more cautious. Get some therapy to unpick why you’ve raced through the normal layers of building a relationship at breakneck speed. Going at this pace is unhealthy (lots of people will have done it successfully but they’re the exception and not the rule). I don’t know obviously the full story but if my kids other parent introduced someone they’d been seeing a few weeks I would be furious. It’s not appropriate.

Thank you for the response. I think you're right about keeping feelings at arms length. One of the things I said after we went out on Thursday was that I enjoyed the night and hanging out (she agreed) but that if these things became too weird then I'd stop them. It was strange, whilst out it was just fun. We both laughed a lot and enjoyed the night. Didn't think about trying to get back together at all. If I do feel I can't just be friends I'll do something about it.

Therapy is happening whatever for me. I'm looking forward to it (Tuesday is first session).

Can I ask, when you and your wife separated, what made you decide to try again? Dud you both sit down and discuss it (I'm not ready to bring that up yet myself). Ours was a short but intense relationship. I feel we shared a hell of a lot about ourselves.

My ex wife was fine with it. Her and her new husband came out to dinner with us and the kids. My children are 19 and 16.

I'm not projecting anything. Why would I want this to be anything? I have no idea who you are. I'm literally going on this: she left me, and now I'm confused because she's flirting with me.

That's not a healthy dynamic, and it's not someone who cares about you treating your feelings with respect.

If you're willing to accuse someone who says that of projecting, then ask yourself why they might do that. What experience of my own am I projecting? How would you know? What experiences have I had? You're accusing me of throwing paint on something without checking if I actually had any paint first.

She is not respecting you. If she was, you'd feel like you do when anybody else respects you: confident that they have made a clear decision, and that you understand your role (set by them or by you) going forward. She is being unclear and confusing regarding something that means a lot to you, and if you felt that was a good thing, you wouldn't be here.

You not recognising or walking away from disrespect doesn't mean that other people who can see it are projecting, but your willingness to turn my point into a criticism of me shows your unwillingness to take responsibility for the fact that it's up to you to choose people who make sense to you, in order that you don't lead a clueless existence, with regard to your love life, if nothing else.

You need to grow up. You're confused because she's messing you about. If you don't see it now, try again in a few years when she's come and gone a bit more and you're on your knees.

In all honesty the only way you will find out if it’s going to work, is to see how things pan out. Perhaps meeting and talking without the pressure of the relationship’tag’ she may well see there is potential in the relationship. So the answer is to learn from what she said to make her end it, it seems by just replying to her messages is a start. Everyone will have an opinion about things and it’s unlikely you’ll get anyone that says yes it could work, that’s all down to whether you can wait it out? Perhaps you’ll see for yourself if it will or won’t work in time.

A lot of words to defend yourself. You sound angry.

I felt you were projecting because you continued to answer the question that you think I want/need to hear, not what I was asking.

Her actions do make me feel good in a way. Mainly because I do think there's a chance in the future based on her words and actions.

The fact that you seem to think people don't make mistakes and may want to change their minds is sad to me.

100%

I'm just trying to go with the flow right now and it's going ok. Like I said before, if I feel that it's not good for me, I'll stop it. For now, we're talking and joking. I'm not expecting anything to change immediately. We definitely had a connection and both carried out own baggage, but that's life for a lot of people. I'm not in a rush, so will wait for now.

Thank you for the reply.

How many other people do you send 60 messages a day to, honestly?

You don’t need to be rude when cutting back contact. Politely say you’re busy, you’ll chat soon etc. That many messages after a break-up is unhelpful and confusing.

Thanks for your sympathy, I really needed it. Yes, you pissed me off by not listening, but I guess I did the same to you. So, in answer to your question, I think she'll keep dumping you and coming back, until you're royally screwed up, then she'll find someone else. And you'll just take it, because you have poor boundaries.

Probably 2-3 others I'd send 20-30 to a day. She has 2 friends who she'll message at least 50+ a day.

I'll message another 2-3 10-20 a day I guess.

Based on what?

Or are you just projecting again?

Your projecting narrative is tedious. You asked for opinions, I gave you mine, based on what you said. Call it projecting if you don't want to accept it, it's no problem to me. You're the one asking for views.

I was asking, based on her words and actions, what made you think that. That's all.

Thanks for your help

It's the fact that she's acting in a way that confuses you, regarding something very important to you, and the fact that what a bunch of strangers thinks seems a good port of call for you, on this most important matter of her feelings and seeing into her future.

And you're welcome. Unless you were being passive aggressive with your thank you

No way

Don't worry. It's not been given.

Of course it would confuse me a bit. The quick turn to chatting so much again then starting to drop in a bit if flirting too. Plus arranging to meet up.

I've not been in this situation before so wanted to see if anyone else had.

I've asked those close to me as well. A hell of a lot of people seem to have had some sort of separation from the person they're currently with.

Someone who was good for you wouldn't confuse you. That's not how healthy relationships feel. If you think they do, have a look at yourself. Did your parents have a loving, happy relationship? Were they respectful to your feelings? Was your emotional well-being a priority? That sort of stuff.

Best of luck.

I'm not worried if they're good for me or not. I'm interested in why they might be chatting so much so soon after the split.

Best of luck.

OP I am fairly flabbergasted that you think 40-60 messages a day isn’t over the top. I am an extrovert with a lot of friends and have have never come close to messaging anybody that much at all (including DH, DM, DCs or best friends). It seems that obsessive to me.

Fair enough, but people have different ways of communicating. Nothing would annoy me more than somebody calling me for example. How do you have a WhatsApp convo that doesn't last that long?

I'm not worried about the amount of messages as I know I message less often than she does.

I'm not worried about the amount of messages as I know I message less often than she does

And that's your metric of what's a healthy amount for you? What she does? Honestly OP. You need your own boundaries. She's left you, and everything is still based on what she wants, what she might do, how often she makes contact.

What do you want? Where are your boundaries? What could she do that would make you say 'No, it's over'?

No. That's not what I said. I was trying to show people communicate differently. I message other people that much too. It just doesn't seem like a lot to me.

I set my boundaries. I didn't contact her. I decided to give space. I guess if she stopped talking like we had previously or stopped flirting and arranging to meet. I'm not looking to get back together right now. I was merely trying to see what people thought about her actions and whether that means she might change her mind.

I was asking you questions OP, about what you want, where your boundaries are.

Not into self reflection, are you? Just telling people they're projecting, and trying to get them to see into the future thoughts and feelings of someone they've never met or communicated with. It's fascinating, honestly. Why do you want to know what we think she'll do? What value do our opinions about this stranger hold, for you? And why?!