Is it over?

[Tryingandfailing82]

Hi all,

Hoping to get the advice of others. My girlfriend broke up with me today. I'm pretty broken up about it, but I did want to get opinions as to whether there's a chance of something in the future. Thank you for any advice you're able to give. I'll be as honest as I can.

It was a short relationship (only 2-3 months), but after a few weeks we started seeing each other every day (so became fairly intense quickly). We're both 40 years old for everyone's info. Anyway, things were going really well, we saw each other a lot (mix of dates and chilling at home). We both have two teenage children and they've all met (and got on really well). From the start we felt we could tell each other everything.

However, I have insecurities (this is where things went wrong I assume). I became too needy and jealous (obviously unattractive qualities). She did seem ok with reassuring me and we kept seeing each other, but last Friday we had a big chat - wasn't an argument really but I could sense she had grown tired of the stress. She needs a no stress relationship and ice obviously not given that recently.

This morning we spoke and she said she didn't feel it was working. Said she liked me still, but after this time she'd hope to have felt more. I had stupidly professed my love for her a couple of weeks ago and this was too much for her at the time.

My question regarding whether I still have a chance in the future is surrounding her feelings. Even the day before our discussion she was telling me how special I am and how much she likes me. We had made lots of plans (with the kids, with just us) for the coming weeks and months. We continued to be intimate and that all went well.

I truly believe that the stress I caused stopped feelings from being able to develop even more and that it all became too much for her. I saw her as my forever after and I don't want to look back and say what if.

I've not messaged since right after the split (which was all five and I just said thank you for being so great about it all).

Is there a chance? What could/should I do? I'm not holding out hope but I don't want to just give up. She's really special.

It's the literal point of online forums. To guage what other people think.

I've already stated my boundaries. I've set them, but I'm new to this situation. They may change. For instance I wasn't thinking I'd be seeing my ex 3 days after she ended it. To see if other people have gone through similar is a fairly normal response.

It's usually customary to ask people who know something about the subject, on a forum.

My partner mentioned the pub later. What d'you think are the chances of us going? It's literally the point of forums to ask that kind of stuff, right? And yet, you have no idea, because you don't know either of us, or any of the nuances.

Also, I thought my neighbour might wear a red t shirt tomorrow. D'you think he will?

Can you see what I mean? Questions like 'what would be wise to do in my situation?' are what forums are for. They're not for seeing into the future and predicting thoughts, feelings and actions of someone who hasn't even posted, so we can't ask questions of. I'm sorry if you think that is what forums are for. We can't answer your question, you know that, don't you?

I'm sorry, I'm confused.

She ENDED it.
Why is there still all this meeting and communication?

She's playing games

So, just to clarify, you don't think anyone has been in a similar situation before? Maybe have some insight?

You gave me no background info so I'd find it hard to answer your questions.

Possibly. It doesn't seem like her, but she may well be.

I've been speaking to a friend at work who ended with her now husband. She got scared of commitment and realised a few months later she was wrong.

Yes, to clarify, many people have been in similar situations to yours. Some will have been 'over' and some won't. Some will have been subsequently treated badly, and some, well.

None of those people have any idea what your ex might do or feel next, any more than you know if my neighbour is going to wear a red t shirt tomorrow.

Sorry, I didn't mean to be so vague. Does it make sense now?

You’ve been offered some really good advice here, but you don’t seem to want to take it.
Sending 40-60 messages after a break-up is insane. It’s selfish and cruel on her part, and delusional on yours.

Fair enough. I'll try and cut back but I'm not going to ignore somebody who messages me.

She's messaged again a few minutes ago about meeting up to chat soon. I'll leave replying for now.

I'm not going to ignore somebody who messages me

How is this boundaries?

*boundaried

Saying what?

Huh? Boundaries don't mean just cut somebody off. I'm not going to be pushed around, but I enjoy contact with this person.

I've yet to decide. If I feel like I'd like to discuss trying again then I'll reply and agree to a meet up. I may decide to just go out and have fun, no pressure.

I don't want to reply hastily.

I meant: what did they say?

I didn't say boundaries means cutting someone off.

Oh. They said 'It would be great to meet up tomorrow to talk about things.'

I've replied now. I said yes I can meet. I'll see what she has to say.

So, we met up for a quick drink. She says she needs time to think about things. Going through a lot. Wants to hang out some and see how she feels. Said she was sorry for ending it after last week, but has a lot in her head right now so can't get right back in to a relationship.

She's playing you.
She's keeping you hanging on.

When my ex and I split, he instantly blocked me, it was over. Done...
We are talking a very very short relationship here.

Move on... you're honestly making yourself look like a bit of a mug waiting around for her to make up her mind.

I'd be saying, thanks but no thanks.

I don't understand why you'd want to be with someone who might want you. That would be a real turn off for someone with decent self esteem, and yet you refuse to consider that, or what you might be able to do about it.

Because people are complicated. People have their own demons at times. Life isn't so simple. She still has feelings as do I. It's whether we feel we can make something work or not.

That really does take the cake.

'Why are you deliberately and knowingly doing something that openly demonstrates your low self esteem, rather than dealing with your low self esteem?'

'Because I'm complicated.'

That's really not the case. You might think you are, but anything is complicated if you refuse to apply logic.

She doesn't 100% want you, so if you go back to her, she'll be unlikely to offer you any kind of committed relationship for any length of time. She is stringing you along now (otherwise you would feel clear about the relationship, rather than confused by her mixed messages), and a person who strings you along today cannot be trusted not to string you along tomorrow.

There's really nothing complicated here, it's 'Relationship basics for teenagers' stuff. I'm sure you'll take no notice, but your good times with her will be intermittent, based on promises that fall through, and dotted with your boundaries being trampled.

It's honestly really obvious. Plenty of people on the thread telling you. Are you really too complicated to get it?

She knows it won't work out and doesn't feel the way she should about you but can't let you go completely.

I meant she was complicated.

I've not said I'm going back to anything either. If anything were to happen, it would be way in the future after things had developed.

I'm not sure what you are suggesting. I'm saying I'm willing to take my time and see if things could develop naturally at a slower pace than before. You seem to just be saying, don't bother.

Yes, don't bother with anyone who is half hearted about you. She had her chance, she turned you down. She is not being clear, you feel confused. This is not the start of something beautiful. You are already wasting your time with her, not getting what you want whilst she keeps you hanging. Choose not to hang anymore. It's your life. These are your days, your hours, your minutes. 'Is it over?' isn't a question you need to waste your time on. Answer it yourself.

OP has been bordering on downright rude, argumentative and accusatory with posters who (imo have given some excellent advice)

So I will say now, go for it OP she's clearly interested in a future relationship she wouldn't be messaging and arranging meet ups if she wasn't.

Hope the therapy goes well as I'm sure it will be needed.