Is it over?

[Tryingandfailing82]

Hi all,

Hoping to get the advice of others. My girlfriend broke up with me today. I'm pretty broken up about it, but I did want to get opinions as to whether there's a chance of something in the future. Thank you for any advice you're able to give. I'll be as honest as I can.

It was a short relationship (only 2-3 months), but after a few weeks we started seeing each other every day (so became fairly intense quickly). We're both 40 years old for everyone's info. Anyway, things were going really well, we saw each other a lot (mix of dates and chilling at home). We both have two teenage children and they've all met (and got on really well). From the start we felt we could tell each other everything.

However, I have insecurities (this is where things went wrong I assume). I became too needy and jealous (obviously unattractive qualities). She did seem ok with reassuring me and we kept seeing each other, but last Friday we had a big chat - wasn't an argument really but I could sense she had grown tired of the stress. She needs a no stress relationship and ice obviously not given that recently.

This morning we spoke and she said she didn't feel it was working. Said she liked me still, but after this time she'd hope to have felt more. I had stupidly professed my love for her a couple of weeks ago and this was too much for her at the time.

My question regarding whether I still have a chance in the future is surrounding her feelings. Even the day before our discussion she was telling me how special I am and how much she likes me. We had made lots of plans (with the kids, with just us) for the coming weeks and months. We continued to be intimate and that all went well.

I truly believe that the stress I caused stopped feelings from being able to develop even more and that it all became too much for her. I saw her as my forever after and I don't want to look back and say what if.

I've not messaged since right after the split (which was all five and I just said thank you for being so great about it all).

Is there a chance? What could/should I do? I'm not holding out hope but I don't want to just give up. She's really special.

This isn’t helping you. You need to stop getting into back and forth conversations with her otherwise I promise that you’re just going to be hanging on for a lot longer.

We ended up chatting a lot over lunch. Still not sure what to make of it.

1. She's told you it's over
2. You're company that she's comfortable with for lunch and a chat.

That's it. There's nothing to 'make of it'. It's not a riddle. You had lunch with your ex. The end. Which bit are you finding complicated?

We went out for dinner and a an event tonight with the kids. It was fun. Flirting, but no more.

Yeah, it's probably just comfortable. I don't disagree, but this place is odd at times. It's like nobody ever gets back together after a separation.

It's generally not a good idea too, and your ex has very clearly told you that it's over. You're acting as if there's something to deduce: you just need to deal with the truth, and sort out for yourself why you'd even want to go back.

Why? Because there are feelings between both of us. Because I believe we could make a very good couple.

I guess a lot of this is down to personal experiences which is understandable. Two of my sisters are happily married but had split with their husbands when dating so they obviously have a different take.

I don't think things will definitely work out here, but my initial post wasn't about whether I should or shouldn't try, it was whether people thought there was a chance.

Because I believe we could make a very good couple

She's told you. It doesn't work for her and she doesn't have the feelings she wants to have in a relationship. This is based on you being who you are, being genuine.

Why can't you just respect her words and move on?

Is it a healthy relationship - where you are jealous and she breaks up with you?

Lots of unhealthy relationships go around in toxic circle of makeup/break ups...fine if solo but you are both bringing children into this.

A healthy relationship takes time to build, that's why everyone has questioned the suddenness. If you can't communicate with each other then how can you build a firm foundation. Are you aware of liberace?

Again, I'm not saying it was working. That's what the word could means.

I definitely have things to work on and it became too much for her (she has her own things that are stressing her out too).

She has told me she has strong feelings for me. They just weren't love at that point.

As for respecting her words, I didn't message first. I didn't invite her anywhere. I'm responding to her lead at the moment.

Healthy? No, not what it should have been.

People questioning the suddenness is fine. It got way to intense too quickly. That doesn't mean relationships can't work out though.

Since posting I've spent time reading a lot if this forum. I've noticed, not totally but in general, people are rarely positive that things will ever work out, yet when speaking to people in real life I'd say the majority of people I know (who are happily in a relationship) split at one point.

Since posting I've spent time reading a lot if this forum. I've noticed, not totally but in general, people are rarely positive that things will ever work out, yet when speaking to people in real life I'd say the majority of people I know (who are happily in a relationship) split at one point

That's not the majority of people. And compatible people with healthy relationships, a good level of respect, and an ability to communicate aren't here asking for advice; they're too busy living their lives.

You are looking for anything to give you hope, even a general overview of a random forum, but the facts are, she's told you she doesn't have the right feelings for you to continue a relationship with you. The hope you need is in recognising that you have enough self confidence and belief, and enough happiness in your life from other sources, that you can walk away from anyone who isn't 100% keen on you and be fine.

I'm not looking for hope. I'm looking for opinions on whether she may change her mind (or if it's solely friendship she's after). I'm basing things on what she's said and her actions in recent days.

We've been messaging again today. She's asked to meet up for a walk and coffee tomorrow. I already have plans, but will try and arrange soon.

So, told her I had plans already for today. Said happy to arrange a meet up for a drink soon which she was up for.

Messaging a lot over the day. Some flirting like normal. I guess she's just wanting to keep the comfort of messaging me going. She doesn't have to though which is weird.

If you want any chance at all of getting her back, you need to quit with the intensity immediately. Don’t message her, don’t beg, don’t ask to be friends. Back off, give her some space and let her work out if you can be anything else again.

Huh?

I've not initiated contact once. It's all been her. Every day. Should I just not reply when she does?

I'm looking for opinions on whether she may change her mind

Are you hoping she will? Looks like hope to me, about one person's feelings via the opinions of a huge bunch of people who have never met her.

How do you think we'd know whether she's going to change her mind? Why do you think something we deduce from hints of behaviour reported to us through your lens actually matters? SHE HAS TOLD YOU HOW SHE FEELS.

There is no puzzle here, and what we think she might do via what you tell us is you looking for hope that we will say, yes, she's coming back, because you are as sure as hell refusing to hear 'No, she has told you she doesn't want a relationship with you, so it's very very likely that she doesn't want a relationship with you.'

OK, fair enough. That does make a difference. How often is she contacting you? And is it to arrange meet-ups with her/the kids?
It could suggest she’s confused, or she could be used to the comfort of contact with you.
I stand by my point of quitting the intensity. Be polite, but keep her at arm’s length. Don’t make yourself available all the time. If you’re serious about wanting to give it another go, let her work out how she really feels about you.

Again, I'm just asking. I've discussed with friends and family too. They've given their thoughts on their own experiences.

It's the constant contact, flirting and then arranging to meet up that confuses me. Was asking what people think about this.

Thank you. I think it probably is comfortable for her (although she has loads of close friends so doesn't necessarily need to message me at all).

I'll try and find the balance of replying but not being too ott of rude.

Avoid people who confuse you. You're displaying the anxious attachment style with bells and whistles on, and dismissing the truth: someone who tells you it's over, and then flirts with you, is, at the very least, not respectful of your feelings, and a person who does it will never be a healthy and respectful partner to you, even if they come to you begging.

This shouldn't be about what she might or might not want. Your sights, if you respected yourself, would be set higher than someone who dumps you and then gives mixed signals.

Sorry, to add.

Ended it on Monday. We've messaged every day since Weds. Not loads I guess. 40-60 messages a day I guess. She invited me and my daughter to come out with her and the kids to a meal and play last Thursday. Then wanted to meet with me today for a walk/coffee.

Again, you're projecting what you want this to be. I'm happy with me and my work on myself.

I'm asking if she may change her mind based on her actions. I'll deal with whether I want that if it happens. She never said she didn't have feelings. In fact, she confirmed she did.

What?! 40-60 messages a day is freaking tons! You need to reign it way, way back. This is intense messaging itself and you’ll get no answers going forward like this.

A lot? I guess it's subjective. That's how we both communicate with people. It's not 40+ individual instances. That's 2-3 mini convos. I'd say I have 2-3 like that and I don't message as much as some.

Genuinely surprised me you thought that was a lot.

I'll have a think though about dialing it back. Just don't like not responding when she asks something or the convo is flowing. It just seems natural to chat.

I think she is conflicted herself. It seems to me like she can't quite let you go. But there's no clear indication of whether she want to be with you now or in the future, or not.

Do go through with therapy. My fiance and I had a myriad of issues and we chose to work at them together, but we had unhealthy attachments at the start and have unpicked things by talking together and individual therapy. It's an absolute necessity.

What I would say to you, is just keep your feelings for her at arms length if you can. I'm not sure how achievable that is for you. But the constant reading into situations like "she's flirting and I don't know what it means" is going to wreak havoc with your mental health. If you feel you can enjoy her company without ruminating over it and just go with the flow, do that. (I'm not a person capable of that lol..) or perhaps distance yourself from her and try focus on yourself for some time.

Ive been in a situation where I loved hard and was messed around to-ing and fro-ing and I spoke about it with everyone and thought about it so much. I drove myself insane. However reflecting back on it I think i was so obsessed because of the sudden rejection and conflicting words, rather than the person themselves. Over time I came to see that they actually treat me pretty poorly.

My fiance and I, however, did split about 3 months into our relationship. We're now 3 years in and have a baby together. We're a blended family and all is going well. We've seen the worst sides of each other and love each other through everything. But it's not been easy and has taken work. Real work.