Friend hit on my husband

[AleenaM]

Trying to enlarge my circle of friends with kids, met this particular one at some busy kids parties, then a few times with other families too, recently she came to mine with her kid. Husband says she gave him a clear flirty look when I wasn't around, he wasn't comfortable with this and avoided her thereafter. Never really had this issue pre-kids or after kids in 13-14years, he's never said someone tried to hit on him, amongst friends or groups of people who know we are in a relation. She's in a complicated relationship with her child's father. I'd probably describe me and husband as modest people and private about our relationship, no PDA ever either, just to give context to say that we would never flirt as banter.

How big of a red flag is this in my friendship with her? Husband suggests to just keep our meetings to parks/play places and have a more superficial friendship ( I have already stupidly overshared some things with her, to do with our children as I felt her as trustworthy and genuine).

Maybe that ahegao face or whatever it is where they look boz eyed and stick their tongue out.

The guy must've virtually exploded when he saw it

This thread is so freaking weird. This man has NEVER had an issue with any of the OP's other friends. This one time he says that a woman gave him looks that made him feel uncomfortable and so many people jump straight to "it's him op, not her". How the fucking hell do you know that????!!! You don't.

Op, it sounds like you already have reservations about this new friend for other reasons, so take a step backwards and keep her at the friendly acquaintance level.

It's easy to head into a deep friendship too quickly when you're trying to widen your circle of friends. But good friendships take time.

It might have been a misunderstanding if you like her I would not cut contact but meet anywhere but home.Some people act different when meeting new people or someone they do not know well or in crowds. I laugh when I am nervous I would giver her the benefit of the doubt for now. If her home situation is complicated she may be happy to have new friends. You will know in time she could turn out to be a very good friend.

Yes to all of that.

My mother - Queens of communicating with a variety of "looks'. 😁

I don't disagree that you should distance yourself slightly BTW OP. Especially as you weren't her greatest fan in the first place.

The husband got bad vibes for a reason it's the first time he's ever said anything like this. I would keep her at arms length it won't take too long to see what she's really like you just need a bit more time to observe. Why not see this as a flag and proceed with caution until you have more info. It's a bit unusual for a partner to say something like this but it's possible that she's a wrong 'un and he is being perceptive. If he generally has good judgement he is probably just trying to be loyal and to protect the relationship. He doesn't want to be in a situation where she's making moves on him and it looks like he may have encouraged it. Maybe he was cheated on before and has a strong distaste for this kind of behaviour, nothing wrong with that.

I am naturally a very smiley and friendly person and years ago at work a bloke told me that he thought I liked him/had been giving him the come on because of the way I smiled when I passed him in the corridor. We had never spoken.

I wasn’t flirting with him at all.

your dh could well be mistaken. But if you don’t like her much anyway do what you want.

OP, most of us aren't gaslighting you. We just think if there was a flirtatious look in your presence you'd have noticed.

But you don't particularly want to be friends with her anyway so problem solved.

Yes, this thread is littered with them for some reason and they're crap anyway

Regardless of what is or isn't a flirty look, OP's husband felt uncomfortable about this woman and told his wife. That's quite a refreshingly healthy way to deal with a potential issue and he deserves appreciation for it.

OP has made it clear that this isn't a regular event and that he hasn't asked her to stop speaking to the woman.

He sounds like a decent bloke who has dealt with an issue in a way that shows respect for his wife, himself and the other woman.

Some surprising responses. I think both you and your DH are getting subtle (and not so subtle) clues that she isn't the most aligned with your values, plus a bit messy. You don't really know her and don't need drama. I'd cool things and just be polite. It's not about your marriage being threatened, it's about choosing to invite stable and trustworthy people into your lives. If your husband is a solid guy and doesn't come out with this kind of thing regularly then take him at his word.

Nothing to do with men but I've thought I've met nice people only to start getting hints that there are substantial parts of them I don't particularly want to be around. No big deal. Just be nice at the school gates and maybe group nights out but knock the closer stuff on the head.

Im surprised by these responses...whatever the "look" was is clearly made OPs husband uncomfortable and he told her about it. Sure, this can involve a further discussion about what this woman did, but if it is more of a distant friend that already seems to have drama in her life and is acting in a way that can cause more drama in OPs life then keeping a healthy distance sounds like a good idea to me

I don't know why it's hilarious to think you may have noticed her behaviour around men? They're everywhere and if she's so inappropriate there may well have been indications she's 'flirty'.
Not sure what the issue is, seems pretty cut and dried. You believe your H over a new friend. Fair enough. He's made it clear she's unwelcome in your home, so that's that isn't it? Stay friendly but detached.

OP, you know that this is the friend and not your husband. I think your analysis of the situation will be spot on, and I think she isn’t a friend.

I think your husband’s idea of pushing her back out to ‘acquaintance’ is the effective, low drama thing to do.

I trust my husband. He is a great guy but isn't so hot or desirable that she lost her senses, if she did do something, it must have been purely for fun and drama, in which case she is likely to be a problematic character which I can really do without

is this a subtle way of saying there is absolutely no way she’s interested in your average husband?

Is she someone you’d both consider attractive?

My DH wouldnt recognise a “flirty look” if you put it in a glass case and labelled it for him.

However I’d be laughing at any friend that was attempting to flirt with him, because I trust him absolutely!

Looking how mum-friends interact with men was never high on my priority on playdates and very few, if any women gave me reason to observe this, not to mention that men are normally scarce on playdates. But clearly something I need to observe more closely going forward.

Funnily enough within the last year or so me and H had a few conversations about times over the years when I've had men act very very subtly inappropriate but I dissmissed it as overreacting and did not tell anyone, in a medical setting, an uncle, a friend, someone at work

I’m so fascinated by this thread, you get this is also quite weird right, to have multiple discussions about this, it’s starting to read like the pair of you think everyone fancies you both and they give off subtle come ins that no one else would consider flirting.

do,you think it’s possible it’s not doctors, uncles, friends, colleagues are all hitting on you and fancy you both, but you both are the issue and are confusing friendliness for something sexual ? Especially when you both consider a look as hitting on someone and to such an extent you need to change your friendships , believe folks aren’t genuine and your husband can’t be round them, it’s extreme, no?

don’t get me wrong, you could both be so utterly hot and irresistible, and giving off vibes you are up for it, that even doctors, friends, colleagues and even close family members can’t control themselves but it’s unusual right?

Ha my DP is the same, so if he thinks someone's given him a flirty look they would literally have had to flash their boobs or something

Unless you are living in some sort of sheltered super conservative religious community - the ‘subtly inappropriate behaviour’ that you can ‘tell somebody about’ is not a thing.
At a minimum - it’s a personal judgement of what is inappropriate. Especially when even you call it ‘subtly’. Is that a smile? Gaze held for 1 second too long? Handshake?

And I think you probably on some level understand it - and this is why you didn’t try to accuse a medical professional of giving you a ‘flirty look’.

The level of hyper vigilance of others ‘inappropriateness’ in your family is off the scale.

But the point remains - you were there and YOU didn't see any strange behaviour. You are clearly on guard for it - and you did not see. What does it tell you.

I think you know exactly what I'm saying. If a woman would think nothing of hitting on her friends husband, when by your own admission he's not particularly attractive, it's very likely the woman would behave in a flirty way in general. Conversely, a woman like you, in your self description, no banter etc would be less likely to suddenly lose the run of herself and 'look' at someone's ordinary looking husband. Its about character and likelihood.
You don't need to have someone under surveillance to notice if their typical behaviour around men is on the flirty side. Most people, unless they have very poor observation skills, notice human interaction. If you've only ever seen her with women, fair enough, but your sarcasm is uncalled for.

OP, you are married a good many years and this is the first time your husband has said anything like this?

I would believe his instincts and I would do a slow fade.

I certainly wouldn't bring her near your home again.

I wouldn't hesitate to trhst my husband in this one off situation.

I have said a few times that husband never said this about himself before?

And for myself to have had 4 men in 35 years (in a medical setting, an uncle, a friend, someone at work - this means one of each ) give me unwanted sexual attention is actually next to nothing. No I am not confusing friendliness for advances but why is it so unconceivably to some of you that 95% of the time people are just friendly but those 5% of inappropriate people do exist.

@5128gap yes only seen her with women before, I wasn't sarcastic

Don’t socialise with her.