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Original poster

Is he too much?

132 replies

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 11:15

I've been seeing someone for 4 months. Had lots semi-relationships but nothing serious for about five years. Thought I wanted the whole relationship thing, but now I'm not so sure.

Previous boyfriends have all been pretty casual, once a week thing with no declarations of love, just a general growing of feelings. I thought I wanted more but now I've got it and I feel a little hemmed in.

The guy I've been seeing gives me very intense 'you are my world' texts daily. Really long and emotional about how I am his everything. He's been married twice (both 12 years+) so does have experience of relationships.

Initially I felt the same and after the most recent lukewarm relationship it was a revelation to find I could someone's idea of a perfect partner. I admit I have exactly the same back - I thought I'd found my person. He does absolutely everything for me, he is so generous and kind and thoughtful and loving. Nothing is too much trouble.

But for the past few weeks I've been feeling stifled. I tried to tell him but when I say I need time alone he just says 'whatever you want darling, I just want you to be happy' and although that seems like the right answer it still makes me feel odd.

I just feel like I want to retreat into my cave and not come out. I can't imagine breaking it off with him, it'll break him. He has so many plans for the future and I feel so bad as initially I went along with them all because I thought it was what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure.

I just don't know what to do - I think I'm getting the ick but I feel so awful about it.

Any thoughts would be very helpful - thank you.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/05/2023 11:22

You feel stifled, hemmed in and you want to retreat into a cave and not come out. Those feelings are trying to tell you something and you need to listen.

I can't imagine breaking it off with him, it'll break him

After four months, you are not responsible for his feelings and reactions, why do you think you are? he's dealt with two failed marriages already.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/05/2023 11:24

when I say I need time alone he just says 'whatever you want darling, I just want you to be happy' and although that seems like the right answer it still makes me feel odd

I think the reason for that might be that you sense he's giving you permission to do something when you don't need permission as an autonomous adult.

yellowsmileyface · 01/05/2023 11:56

Definitely too much, especially for four months in. Smells like a lovebomb to me.

'whatever you want darling, I just want you to be happy'

Probably feels odd because it's just so over the top and feels insincere. It would suffice to just say "no problem, chat later".

If your only reason for not wanting to end things is not wanting to hurt him, then there's your answer. That's no reason to stay in a relationship. It'll get harder to end things the longer you're with him. It'll never be easier than it is right now. I understand the apprehension about hurting him, but as I said this sounds like textbook lovebombing, which would indicate he's actually really abusive and would only go on to make your life a living hell if you stuck with him.

Mortimercat · 01/05/2023 12:24

I think if you are feeling stifled after four months, then this really isn’t the relationship for you. End it, it won’t break him.

aurynne · 01/05/2023 12:30

Trust your instinct. It evolved over a million years to protect you.

Onelifeonly · 01/05/2023 12:40

Sounds like he has "put you on a pedestal" where you are wonderful and can do no wrong. I experienced this in the past and it feels so fake, like he doesn't really see / know who you are, just loves the idea of love. Gave me the ick too.

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 13:02

This isn't healthy, OP.
He's already got you thinking you cannot possibly break up with him because it'll break him?
That's actually very clever and manipulative of him, only four months in.
If you're feeling stifled, and he doesn't actually back off, then he isn't respecting your boundaries and he will carry on doing exactly as he likes.
The next stage will be more subtle abuse, to see how much you'll stand, then before you know it, he'll be controlling your every move.
End it now, before you get sucked in too deeply.

Sparklfairy · 01/05/2023 13:06

Onelifeonly · 01/05/2023 12:40

Sounds like he has "put you on a pedestal" where you are wonderful and can do no wrong. I experienced this in the past and it feels so fake, like he doesn't really see / know who you are, just loves the idea of love. Gave me the ick too.

Yes, and also be aware that at SOME point the novelty wears off for these types, reality sets in and you never quite measure up to the 'ideal' that's in their heads. Then the criticism starts, 'if you could just change this tiny not so tiny thing, I'd do it for you, why won't you change your entire personality/style/body size or shape for me' etc.

It's very obvious I have baggage in this area, so sorry about that! but you're left feeling like you're the problem when he didn't even know 'you' in the first place.

Livinghappy · 01/05/2023 13:07

Classic lovebombing...why would you be anyone's world after 4 months?? Not healthy.

Your instincts are telling you it's wrongbut your head is over ruling the your feelings.

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 13:13

Do you know why his two marriages broke up?
Or at least, do you have his side of why they broke up?
That could be very revealing.

WisherWood · 01/05/2023 13:15

I can't imagine breaking it off with him, it'll break him. He has so many plans for the future and I feel so bad as initially I went along with them all because I thought it was what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure.

You are allowed to change your mind OP. You don't owe him a relationship and as PP have said, the fact that you feel like this four months in is cause for concern. It should be happy and light. You should be with him because you want to be with him, not because you feel manipulated into it.

Pinkdelight3 · 01/05/2023 13:17

Heavens, it's only 4 months - the idea that it would break him if you ended because of all his future fantasies is nuts. He's had two marriage break-ups and coped so no reason to think he wouldn't move on and be okay about it. There's no doubt this isn't a good fit for you so better to end it now. Asking for space etc isn't having the right effect and shouldn't be necessary at this point in a healthy relationship that has genuine future potential. Cut this one loose and enjoy your freedom for a while longer.

Gingerbeerfear · 01/05/2023 13:29

Oh dear. This was me 4 months ago, he had also been married twice.. lovebombed me expensive gifts etc and intense messaging and guilt trips when I wasn’t there.

had a few conversations about slowing things down but he’d then start being ‘unwell’ … texts during the night and day about chest pains possible heart attacks etc..

I ended it after some very concerning behaviour and had to get the police involved in the end.

he has left me alone now but trust your gut instinct on this one x

Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2023 13:34

Everything about this is all wrong, op, and you know it.

Break it off immediately.

Grenola · 01/05/2023 13:41

I just had to reply to this post. I have had this exact experience and can relate so hard to how that message would make u feel.

my ex had no boundaries at all and just pushed all his feelings, plans ideas ect into me and silently trapped me by them. It was never about my feelings, all about his. Using the nice guy act to control me. I felt so utterly stifled and felt so bad about breaking it off with him. But months after I can now see how bad it was and how unfair it was for him to push it all on me. It was selfish and all the messages like ‘I just want you to be happy’ were just empty words.

I may be projecting my own experience BUT please ask for a few weeks space so you can see if you have real feelings for him. You can’t know if u do with all the sickly declarations of his feelings. I garuntee he will either not be able to give you the space and or you will realise u don’t even like this guy. Either way it will pave the way to getting out xxx

Alcemeg · 01/05/2023 13:53

I've had this too. I even went on for months having sex with him, even though I found him repulsive, because he somehow tricked me into feeling he was being somehow self-sacrificial by "showering me with love" even though I'd made it clear the feelings were no longer mutual! Nuts! Then I had a big "hang on a minute..." moment and realised I'd been had 😂

It's that not wanting to upset someone that gets us into trouble. But what about you and how YOU feel?!

Don't worry about him, he'll soon find another source for his ego stroking. Just let him know gently that you made a mistake and feel differently now. That's a perfectly kind and reasonable thing to do. You don't owe him any more.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 14:11

All of your comments ring true, thank you so much for responding.

There are far too many lines you have all said to comment on individually, but you have collectively hit the nail on the head.

There are tiny comments creeping in that on the face of it don't sound like much but are little criticisms of my home, or my pets, which are laughed off by him as soon as he says them, but I can see this could be the start of things.

He's buying me clothes to keep at his house, he's leaving things at my house - it all feels like I'm being trapped. I think because my other relationships have been casual this felt like a real one but it is too much. I thought it was too much, too soon but thanks to you all I realise it's just too much.

I really appreciate those of you who have shared personal experiences x

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2023 14:15

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 14:11

All of your comments ring true, thank you so much for responding.

There are far too many lines you have all said to comment on individually, but you have collectively hit the nail on the head.

There are tiny comments creeping in that on the face of it don't sound like much but are little criticisms of my home, or my pets, which are laughed off by him as soon as he says them, but I can see this could be the start of things.

He's buying me clothes to keep at his house, he's leaving things at my house - it all feels like I'm being trapped. I think because my other relationships have been casual this felt like a real one but it is too much. I thought it was too much, too soon but thanks to you all I realise it's just too much.

I really appreciate those of you who have shared personal experiences x

This man is an abuser, I'll bet my house on it. Just like you said, he's trying to trap you. He's weaving a web all around you in hopes you won't be able to find your way out. I would bet his ex's have exactly the same story to tell about their relationship with him. He could potentially be a very dangerous man.

Please, end it today.

Grenola · 01/05/2023 14:27

OP go with your gut instinct and put your gaurd right up now u till you you end the relationship.

it’s the worse way to abuse someone really, because the thought that what he is doing is negative is wild to that person because they are just ‘loving you’ and ‘being nice’

throw this ‘nice guy’ back and take a huge deep breath in xxx

Original poster
Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 14:31

He told me on the first date that a previous short term relationship (7 months) ended because she said he was too nice Confused

Both marriages finished with the other person cheating.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 14:36

Both marriages finished with the other person cheating

Or so he says. Honestly, OP, this is what they all say. I bet if you asked his ex-wives they would give you a completely different story.

Please - don't believe everything he says as gospel.

yellowsmileyface · 01/05/2023 14:40

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 14:31

He told me on the first date that a previous short term relationship (7 months) ended because she said he was too nice Confused

Both marriages finished with the other person cheating.

Both such red flags. Pretty awful luck to be cheated on twice, isn't it? In my experience, abusive men have a strong tendency to become absolutely convinced that their partner is cheating. I'm 100% certain my abusive ex tells people that's why we broke up (not once did I cheat). Obviously sometimes men do genuinely get cheated on, but I take such claims with a pinch of salt if I'm getting to know someone.

It sounds like you have a good intuition and you've dodged a bullet. Definitely always listen to those gut feelings.

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 14:46

There are tiny comments creeping in that on the face of it don't sound like much but are little criticisms of my home, or my pets, which are laughed off by him as soon as he says them, but I can see this could be the start of things

OP, my heart sank when I read this. Yes, it's the start of things.

You are being played by a master manipulator. Please heed PP's advice and get out of this immediately. Some women have ended up being stalked by men like this and some have been murdered, just for the "crime" of trying to end a relationship.

Seriously. He may be sending you supposedly "loving" texts but his behaviour speaks volumes. Little criticism of your home and pets sounds benign but he is probably jealous of the relationship you have with your pets and could easily harm them.

Men like this do frequently harm their girlfriends' animals. Then they move on to harm the girlfriends, physically.

He is already sending you mixed messages (I love you so much//I hate the amount of time and money spend on your cat/dog/rabbit// I don't like the colour scheme in your bedroom// etc etc etc etc.

Get out of this now.

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 14:48

And why is he buying you clothes (to keep at his house)?

Apart from being a way to trap you (and you do feel trapped by this behaviour) is it also because there are certain clothes he prefers, which you do not wear, but which he wants you to wear? Because that is incredibly controlling.

Watchkeys · 01/05/2023 14:48

You need to self-validate, OP. You're not happy, and so leaving is the right thing to do.

You don't need us to say he's too much for you.
You don't need us to say you should leave.
You're not responsible for his wellbeing, and even if you were, he's not even party to yours, because you've not told him, so it's all very unbalanced.

You know you're not happy. There is not a 'correct' level of muchness, so he can't objectively, be 'too much'. You have to decide for you.

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