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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he too much?

132 replies

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 11:15

I've been seeing someone for 4 months. Had lots semi-relationships but nothing serious for about five years. Thought I wanted the whole relationship thing, but now I'm not so sure.

Previous boyfriends have all been pretty casual, once a week thing with no declarations of love, just a general growing of feelings. I thought I wanted more but now I've got it and I feel a little hemmed in.

The guy I've been seeing gives me very intense 'you are my world' texts daily. Really long and emotional about how I am his everything. He's been married twice (both 12 years+) so does have experience of relationships.

Initially I felt the same and after the most recent lukewarm relationship it was a revelation to find I could someone's idea of a perfect partner. I admit I have exactly the same back - I thought I'd found my person. He does absolutely everything for me, he is so generous and kind and thoughtful and loving. Nothing is too much trouble.

But for the past few weeks I've been feeling stifled. I tried to tell him but when I say I need time alone he just says 'whatever you want darling, I just want you to be happy' and although that seems like the right answer it still makes me feel odd.

I just feel like I want to retreat into my cave and not come out. I can't imagine breaking it off with him, it'll break him. He has so many plans for the future and I feel so bad as initially I went along with them all because I thought it was what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure.

I just don't know what to do - I think I'm getting the ick but I feel so awful about it.

Any thoughts would be very helpful - thank you.

OP posts:
Leopardlives · 02/05/2023 22:01

You haven’t misjudged it. He’s chosen that reaction because he thinks it’ll be most effective. Stay firm. Don’t meet him.

pictoosh · 02/05/2023 22:08

I'm really glad you posted here. One thing MN does excel at is recognising the signs of trouble. You knew it already but it's good to have it confirmed. Good luck shaking this one off. He sounds really intense and quite skin crawly. Be careful.

Ohfgsjon · 02/05/2023 22:14

You don't need to meet up with him to end it. Don't do that to yourself. Phone if you must but not face to face. His comment about not taking it out on you reveals a lot about him.

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 22:26

Oh OP. He "won't take it out on you"?
That's very telling. I find it very scary, too.
He's dangerous. Please keep yourself safe and don't meet up with him.
There is no need to meet him face to face, just to break up with him. Do it over the phone or text.
I'm quite worried about you now.

proventocleanbetter · 02/05/2023 22:28

You're doing the right thing, OP. My ex husband was like this after a few weeks, and I couldn't bring myself to end it because I was afraid of upsetting him. What a mistake that was.

proventocleanbetter · 02/05/2023 22:29

Btw, I agree with pp saying it's better to break up with him from a distance. I wouldn't normally say that, but it's only a few months, and there's no point prolonging this one.

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 22:33

I have a feeling that you're going to receive a deluge of poetry before the weekend.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 02/05/2023 22:38

pictoosh · 02/05/2023 22:08

I'm really glad you posted here. One thing MN does excel at is recognising the signs of trouble. You knew it already but it's good to have it confirmed. Good luck shaking this one off. He sounds really intense and quite skin crawly. Be careful.

Exactly this. Every single post has been supportive and helpful, you have all given me the strength I need.

OP posts:
Grenola · 02/05/2023 22:40

You haven’t Mis judged it, it’s just been a lot of small things built up to create a bigger picture that doesn’t sit well with u.
one deceleration, one nicensss doesn’t feel too much but weeks of it start to wear in you:

askking for space first is s good idea and it won’t come go to let out the blue then, but I do think you should break it off with him over the phone in some way.
you don’t need to see him.
I say this because this is what I have to do. It was the only way in the end.

it so strange nearly everything u have said about him is exactly what happened to me. The clothes at his ect…. It’s taken me about 6 months to stop beating myself up about not being happy with it. Now I just see all the wrongness in it.

x

Justleaveitblankthen · 02/05/2023 23:26

What everyone else says, but please OP, it's not a good idea to be face to face with him when you end it.
So much of your experiences with this man are text book and happened to me. Some of it word for word..
Be far away from him when you end it and block him everywhere. Is there a chance you can be with friends or family?
If not, let him believe that you are.

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 23:34

What worries me is the fact that so far, he has not been threatening towards you, or caused you any physical harm.
This may be lulling you into a false sense of security. You may not think he's capable of violence but I am quite sure that he is. You will be in the most danger from him at the time you split up with him.
Make sure you're safe, please. Do it by phone or text and have a friend with you.
He is the sort of bloke who is capable of extreme violence and stalking.

evuscha · 03/05/2023 03:46

OP your instinct is spot on, run!!! Even if you do meet someone who you hit it off with immediately, and keep in touch every day, it can still feel relaxed and natural, it doesn’t need to feel like this huge soap opera, love bombing, poems and dramatic expressions.
His comments to your last message about “not taking it out on you” are weird too, I would break it off on the phone, or at most meet him in a public place but definitely not at yours or his. He sounds a bit unhinged and like his reaction won’t be a healthy one.

crystalize · 03/05/2023 06:07

You're not obligated to meet in person in order to end it. 4 months in, you barely know him!

I put up with something similar that lasted 18 months and had to end things over text as I knew inperson would be a nightmare. These types don't give up easy.

Put yourself and your needs first, good luck op!

GarlicGrace · 03/05/2023 06:28

Congratulations on having EXCELLENT instincts! Also on knowing who you are, which may sound weird but it's why you haven't been fully drawn into his net.

"Both my wives cheated on me" - so I'm now terribly insecure and this is why I'll become increasingly suspicious of you, start checking up on you and accusing you of Not Loving Me Enough if you fail to fawn over my unwanted gifts & poetry. Do you have to wear that dress, it's very low-cut? I always think you look adorable but any red-blooded male would take that dress as a come-on. I do know I've got attachment issues. If you cared about me, you'd be more considerate of my vulnerability. You love that dog more than you love me! Only joking. But don't you think you're too indulgent of your pets?

Comfortingpigeon · 03/05/2023 06:38

Being the bitter cynical old biatch i am, this smells like lovebomb.

mycatsanutter · 03/05/2023 06:49

There is no need to meet up with him , feel grateful right now that you never have to see him again . Send him a text then block , you will feel so relieved.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 03/05/2023 06:50

My DP was very keen and full on when I first met him. He was keen, always available and sent gushy texts. Always made plans for the future. It was over the top and I wanted to end it.

I realised that I had dated aholes before who were not open to expressing feelings. DP would treat me loads - it confused me. Granted he didn’t buy me clothes, but gave me a drawer very early in. I explained it was too much a few months in.

he dialed it down and acted normal. He said he was excited ti meet someone he liked and he wanted ti let me me know how he felt.

now he is normal and knows that overly over the top affection scares me off. Only really comes out when he is drunk.

trust your gut. My gut said he was genuine and give him a chance. Now we are in a normal relationship with no red flags. But been in overly full on relationships that my gut told me to run

Weatherwax13 · 03/05/2023 07:03

He "won't take it out on you" that's sinister OP. Veiled threat. You have no obligation to see this bloke face to face again. I'd break it off over the phone. And check your security at home. He's giving me the creeps

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2023 07:11

Do not ever see him again, op. You do not have to end this "properly." Him saying he won't take it out on you is very telling and chilling. Don't see him in person, you'll regret it if you do.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 03/05/2023 07:36

Wow @GarlicGrace, that post sent shivers down my spine, especially the last few lines as I can hear them being said.

And I agree with what you've said @Urgsleepmoresleep - I've dated emotionally unavailable men in the past so this one was a complete novelty, being so open about his feelings.

I will take everyone's advice and not meet him. He texted this morning to say he will be patient and wait for me; I've not responded but I know I do need to send that final text soon.

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 03/05/2023 07:40

Flowers stay strong, OP.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/05/2023 07:57

He texted this morning to say he will be patient and wait for me

Not very patient to text you first thing with more suffocation when you've asked for space. You're doing the right thing, OP. He can't take a hint and it's all about him. Your boundaries have to be firm. All the best with drawing a line and moving forward to better things.

WisherWood · 03/05/2023 08:55

This is a pre cursor towards seeing him at the weekend and ending it properly.

I'm glad you've decided not to do that.

He's being quite cold, saying he's hurting but he won't take it out on me.

Just echoing PP that it's really chilling that this is where his mind first went. As if you should be grateful that he won't take it out on you, with that threat that he might, should you not behave how he wants. Take care OP, and stay strong. He's thoroughly nasty.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/05/2023 09:03

He texted this morning to say he will be patient and wait for me

He doesn't credit you with being an autonomous human being able to make your own decisions, he has to make them for you. To him you're a silly little girl who's having a strop and he'l wait until you come to your senses and go running back.

Excellent instincts, OP and well done. In your place I'd message 'do not contact me again' and block everywhere.

Watchkeys · 03/05/2023 09:10

I feel sick, and a little sad, that I mis judged this. I know it wasn't healthy, but in the beginning it felt like it was

That's just how it goes, though. You have to try something out to find out if you like it or not. The alternative would be to never date, and if you'd like a relationship, that would be even sadder.

I think that his reaction to you telling him you need some space says it all. He won't take it out on you? Take what out on you? If your partner asks for space, you give it to them, and that's it.