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Original poster

Is he too much?

132 replies

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 11:15

I've been seeing someone for 4 months. Had lots semi-relationships but nothing serious for about five years. Thought I wanted the whole relationship thing, but now I'm not so sure.

Previous boyfriends have all been pretty casual, once a week thing with no declarations of love, just a general growing of feelings. I thought I wanted more but now I've got it and I feel a little hemmed in.

The guy I've been seeing gives me very intense 'you are my world' texts daily. Really long and emotional about how I am his everything. He's been married twice (both 12 years+) so does have experience of relationships.

Initially I felt the same and after the most recent lukewarm relationship it was a revelation to find I could someone's idea of a perfect partner. I admit I have exactly the same back - I thought I'd found my person. He does absolutely everything for me, he is so generous and kind and thoughtful and loving. Nothing is too much trouble.

But for the past few weeks I've been feeling stifled. I tried to tell him but when I say I need time alone he just says 'whatever you want darling, I just want you to be happy' and although that seems like the right answer it still makes me feel odd.

I just feel like I want to retreat into my cave and not come out. I can't imagine breaking it off with him, it'll break him. He has so many plans for the future and I feel so bad as initially I went along with them all because I thought it was what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure.

I just don't know what to do - I think I'm getting the ick but I feel so awful about it.

Any thoughts would be very helpful - thank you.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 14:49

What things does he say about your pets, out of interest?

Neverthinkjustdo · 01/05/2023 14:49

Ruuuun!
Love bomber alert.

Capitulatingpanda · 01/05/2023 14:52

Lovebombing. Definitely break it off before you find yourself too deep in.

Gingerbeerfear · 01/05/2023 14:54

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 14:31

He told me on the first date that a previous short term relationship (7 months) ended because she said he was too nice Confused

Both marriages finished with the other person cheating.

Wow so many similarities. Run lovely x

Original poster
Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 14:57

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 14:49

What things does he say about your pets, out of interest?

He says he loves them (2 x dog and 1 x cat) and he is good with them when we're out, and fine with them sleeping in my bed with us when he stays over, but little comments like "oh X, just leave me alone for five minutes" and moaning when they jump on his lap, but then laughing it off quickly. And saying he slept fine - Y was in the way but never mind, he still slept well. Or when the dogs drink and they are wet he flinches when they come close. If a dog scratches he comments about fleas (which they absolutely do not have).

He first said I didn't snore but now says I snore in time to one of the dogs but he doesn't mind as it's "cute".

I own my house, he rents his flat (no judging at all) but he'll be critical of my extractor fan not working or the tap dripping and I just want to say something about the expense of being a home owner v renting but I don't.

The clothes he buys are to keep at his. Nothing I wouldn't buy but again, I worry this might be the start.

My toaster broke and I was pondering over buying a new one and what sort to get, then he brought me one. And everyone said how nice that was but I kept thinking I just wanted to buy my own toaster!

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 15:15

The clothes he buys are to keep at his. Nothing I wouldn't buy but again, I worry this might be the start

You're right, this is not normal and it is definitely the start.

He is showing you how controlling he is.

End it now. Never mind his BS about not being able to cope.

Ask the police about Clare's Law so that you can find out if he has a history of abuse or stalking.

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/alpha2/request-information-under-clares-law/#:~:text=Under%20Clare%27s%20Law%20you%20can,they%20might%20be%20at%20risk

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 15:28

He told me on the first date that a previous short term relationship (7 months) ended because she said he was too nice

..........................which is just his way of saying that she told him she felt stifled by him.
And his way of setting you up not to think his love-bombing is "too nice". You know - "poor me, she ended it because I was too nice, but I was just being myself........... with an unspoken: you won't do that, will you?"

FartSock5000 · 01/05/2023 15:45

@Daisysunset

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

SO many red flags. Love bombing, micro aggression, blaming his partners for relationship failures and insinuating into your life after a short period? CHECK!

This one is an abuser hiding behind his charming facade getting you all ready to bend and twist in his web until the real man shows his face after you are good and trapped.

Dump and move on. There are decent men out there and you will find someone if you are patient. Don't settle for crazy tits just because. He is NOT a happy ending.

unsync · 01/05/2023 17:17

I do hope you will listen to your instincts. He is most definitely not a keeper.

Gingerbeerfear · 01/05/2023 19:23

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 15:15

The clothes he buys are to keep at his. Nothing I wouldn't buy but again, I worry this might be the start

You're right, this is not normal and it is definitely the start.

He is showing you how controlling he is.

End it now. Never mind his BS about not being able to cope.

Ask the police about Clare's Law so that you can find out if he has a history of abuse or stalking.

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/daa/domestic-abuse/alpha2/request-information-under-clares-law/#:~:text=Under%20Clare%27s%20Law%20you%20can,they%20might%20be%20at%20risk

A note about Clare’s Law applications. I put an application in before Christmas and only
got the outcome last week having ltb months ago. A very big backlog apparently and no - this particular Mr Squeaky clean was far from it. The system is a complete shambles.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 19:36

Thank you all for your advice - I realise what I have to do but I'm not looking forward to the conversation at all.

I was feeling uneasy and the input on this thread was resounding. I'm so grateful to you all for making me realise I wasn't overthinking x

OP posts:
Grenola · 01/05/2023 22:00

Good luck,

I ended up having to send a very clear text message. As I didn’t want him to have the opportunity to lay it in thick or manipulate me. Some will say it’s cruel ding that but I had to do as I didn’t have the strength to get my words accross to someone who clearly didn’t respect my boundaries

Leopardlives · 01/05/2023 22:34

This sounds just like my abusive ex husband and you must end it. I got into a long marriage that started just like this. He is trapping you. End it. Forget your feeling of obligation to him. I promise you it’s the right thing to do. That funny feeling is your safety mechanism you were born with telling you it’s not safe.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 01/05/2023 22:43

I hope it goes well

Leopardlives · 01/05/2023 22:45

Yes, just do it by text and then stay away from him. He is dangerous.

Original poster
Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 22:47

Thank you. I feel sick as he won't be expecting it at all.

He sends me a long poem each morning about how much he loves me, how important I am to him, how I am his world, and I struggle to reply anyway; it's even worse now I know what I need to do.

I keep reading all your messages and I know it's the right thing for me, but extricating myself from this isn't going to be easy.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/05/2023 22:47

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 19:36

Thank you all for your advice - I realise what I have to do but I'm not looking forward to the conversation at all.

I was feeling uneasy and the input on this thread was resounding. I'm so grateful to you all for making me realise I wasn't overthinking x

It really shouldn't be a conversation, op. It only needs to be a statement from you that it's over. He is going to pull out ALL the stops to try and keep you under his thumb. I think you will be astounded at how far he'll try to push it.

Tell him it's over on the phone and then block him.

Leopardlives · 01/05/2023 22:51

It will be easy op. You text him or call him
then block him, or ask a friend to do it for you. Good god, I’ll do it for you! Can you feel how hard a simple matter of having control over your own life (as in deciding about your own dating life) has become? He is quickly taking control and also making you feel responsible for his emotions — that is why it is called coercive control and emotional abuse. It is dangerous. His poems are insincere and part of a mechanism of manipulation. Keep talking to us and let’s get you out.

Lydia777 · 01/05/2023 22:53

I have been there and I agree with every PP. Be ready for the suicide threats etc. My advice is grey rock - do not engage or he will pull you in. Send a message ending it and do not engage further.

samqueens · 01/05/2023 23:12

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 23:29

Do it quickly then block him.
He'll threaten suicide but you need to pay absolutely no attention to him.
He's got you right where he wants you.
It shouldn't be this difficult to end a four month dating relationship.
You're feeling panicky about this because he's already got you under his control.
Good luck! And keep talking to us here. We'll support you

Original poster
Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 23:34

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 23:29

Do it quickly then block him.
He'll threaten suicide but you need to pay absolutely no attention to him.
He's got you right where he wants you.
It shouldn't be this difficult to end a four month dating relationship.
You're feeling panicky about this because he's already got you under his control.
Good luck! And keep talking to us here. We'll support you

You're so right about it the fact it shouldn't be this difficult to end a four mont relationship, I've been telling myself that all day.

I called time in my marriage and that seemed easier than this, and that was 20 years.

OP posts:
Nolosomi · 01/05/2023 23:36

None of this sounds good. He might not get abusive but he wants to be unhealthily co-dependant with you & you him. But I wouldn’t stick around to find out! Fuck anyone who negs pets too.

ThisWormHasTurned · 01/05/2023 23:45

Love bombing, future faking (that’s what all the grand plans are), starting to do negging… “You snore but it’s cute. I’d bet he’s narcissistic. Check out Caroline Strawson’s social media. It was an eye opener for me!
He will be broken up when you end it. He will probably create a drama about the exchange of stuff (in fact I’d go to his house with a box of the stuff he left at your house and grab anything of your’s before you end it..although don’t end it at his!). But if you stand firm and don’t get sucked back in, he will have the next one lined up within a couple of weeks. My XH did, about 4 weeks later, we’d been together 15 years! 🤷🏻‍♀️

YouTarzan · 02/05/2023 00:13

Oh god, he sends you long poems every day! I could not cope with that!