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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he too much?

132 replies

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 11:15

I've been seeing someone for 4 months. Had lots semi-relationships but nothing serious for about five years. Thought I wanted the whole relationship thing, but now I'm not so sure.

Previous boyfriends have all been pretty casual, once a week thing with no declarations of love, just a general growing of feelings. I thought I wanted more but now I've got it and I feel a little hemmed in.

The guy I've been seeing gives me very intense 'you are my world' texts daily. Really long and emotional about how I am his everything. He's been married twice (both 12 years+) so does have experience of relationships.

Initially I felt the same and after the most recent lukewarm relationship it was a revelation to find I could someone's idea of a perfect partner. I admit I have exactly the same back - I thought I'd found my person. He does absolutely everything for me, he is so generous and kind and thoughtful and loving. Nothing is too much trouble.

But for the past few weeks I've been feeling stifled. I tried to tell him but when I say I need time alone he just says 'whatever you want darling, I just want you to be happy' and although that seems like the right answer it still makes me feel odd.

I just feel like I want to retreat into my cave and not come out. I can't imagine breaking it off with him, it'll break him. He has so many plans for the future and I feel so bad as initially I went along with them all because I thought it was what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure.

I just don't know what to do - I think I'm getting the ick but I feel so awful about it.

Any thoughts would be very helpful - thank you.

OP posts:

Leopardlives · 03/05/2023 09:18

He’s being quite cold

These guys are cold, that’s the bitter irony of it. The one I had was like a stone cold lizard underneath all the schmalz.

Men like this need need to attach to someone warm, like you.

You’re his main project at the moment. He will be thinking of everything. Cut him off.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 03/05/2023 09:22

He showed his hand there, OP, by saying he wouldn't take it out on you (generally meaning the opposite). I reckon if you'd carried on with this you'd have been tiptoeing around so as not to upset him and giving him an excuse to take whatever it is out on you.

Amazing how these caring, loving, generous and thoughtful types show what's under the veneer when they don't get their way, isn't it?

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 03/05/2023 09:23

I went out with someone like this, after 3 months I tried to end it as I knew it wasn’t for me. He reeled me back in 3 times over the course of about 18 months. He was a master manipulator and obsessive. In the end I had to block him and threaten to report him for stalking as he wouldn’t leave me alone.

I was previously in an abusive relationship and struggled to leave. I can’t stand the feeling of being trapped. These types are clever they play on your emotions to get you to stay with them but it’s all a game to them.

I would run not walk away from this situation!

Bitteraftertaste · 03/05/2023 09:24

I have worked with women who are DV survivors and honestly men like him are very bad for your health. I can almost guarantee he will start a campaign of messaging you and trying to make you feel guilty. When he responds to the ending it message make sure to not be drawn in to any kind of explanation, just make clear he is not to contact you again and block him on everything. If you get any kind of messages or calls from unknown numbers it will be him. If you report harassment to your telephone provider they should change your number for free.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 03/05/2023 09:30

Definitely do not meet up with him to break up. He will be planning now exactly how the weekend will go.

Ring / message him and say it’s over it isn’t what you want and please don’t contact me again. Then block him everywhere. Change the lock if he has a key. Get a video doorbell.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 03/05/2023 09:40

He texted this morning to say he will be patient and wait for me

This gave me shivers. He’s basically telling you he’s not going anywhere.

Your “ending it” message needs to be really firm no apologies or reasons something like “This situation isn’t working out for me so I do not wish to continue a relationship with you. I wish you all the best. Please do not contact me again”.

Then immediately block!! You will feel so relieved when you do it.

Grenola · 03/05/2023 10:01

I had that exact text, ‘I will wait for you’

this shit seems so text book now.

just focus on yourself and what you want and do not entertain thoughts about his feelings, believe me he doesn’t care about yours. It just fits his narrative to express his feelings for u.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 03/05/2023 10:21

@Daisysunset difference is my DP listened. Your guy doesn’t listen and threatening to not hold it over you means he had thought about it and will. It’s a bit much for a few months relationship.

My mum died 7 months into our relationship and I was all over the place. He didn’t know how I would react and I didn’t know either as both of us hadn’t experienced grief like this.

I needed time alone as it was unexpected. He respected that and left me alone for a week with no expectations of contact. He did text a few times to make sure I was ok, but nothing pressurised or I am waiting for you. Just gave me space.

He said after it was like I pushed him away. But he understood and as I asked for space and that was thing he could give me in lieu of losing my mum he did it. He wanted ti help but couldn’t. My best make friend was constantly texting and trying to drop in. That was too much.

I think if I got poems and waiting on you texts that would have been it for me - relationship ended.

TheShellBeach · 03/05/2023 12:02

He says he'll wait for you?
Wow.
That just shows he hasn't paid any attention to what you've actually said.
A reasonable man would realise that it was over and that there was no question of him "waiting for you."

Pinkbonbon · 03/05/2023 12:48

'I need some space'
'Ok' ...
: keeps texting anyway.

These sort don't like you to have space. It gives you time to think. They don't want that. They want you trapped in their love bombing vortex.

TheShellBeach · 03/05/2023 16:27

Are you okay, OP, or has he been in contact?

TheShellBeach · 04/05/2023 12:34

Are you okay, OP?

Original poster

Daisysunset · 04/05/2023 20:28

Thank you for thinking of me @TheShellBeach

He has been in touch, nothing heavy just asking how my day is and telling me about his. I've responded politely.

I know I'm probably overreacting, but he had a front door key of mine for a week or so as he was working a late shift.

I'm getting the door locks changed at the weekend and I don't want to tell him it's over until I've done that. I'm sure he wouldn't do anything, but I've got that niggling worry that he could have got a duplicate cut. There's no reason to think he has but just in case...

He's being cold but caring, if that makes sense. I almost don't want him to stop texting me because then I'll worry if he's thinking about doing anything.

OP posts:

TheShellBeach · 04/05/2023 20:53

I think you're really wise to get the locks changed.
It's interesting that you feel sufficiently anxious about him to actually do this prior to telling him you want to end things.

Original poster

Daisysunset · 04/05/2023 21:24

It's not so much that I think he will do anything, more the fact that now I've thought about it, I'd be stupid not to act on it just in case.

I keep telling myself he's not like that, but then I guess that's what everyone thinks, before they actually are 'like that'.

OP posts:

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 04/05/2023 21:28

Yes having the locks changed is wise. Like you say hopefully he won't do anything key related but now you know it's possible it's best to change them just to be sure.

Alcemeg · 04/05/2023 21:44

You're doing magnificently OP!

I wish I'd had Mumsnet before moving my equivalent weirdo into my home and catering to his every whim for about 18 months before I finally found the strength to admit to myself, and him, that I had no idea why he was still there as I couldn't think of a single thing about him that I enjoyed!

I can't help wondering what it is that conditions us to accept a relationship like this? In my case, I suppose I tiptoed around a difficult father and learned submissive/conciliatory behaviour from my mum. (This is, of course, a gross oversimplification.) But what the heck...?!

helpmyskinplease · 04/05/2023 22:22

Not over reacting. A very considered and sensible decision on the locks. He's not going to walk away too easily from what you've said. Stay strong and sorry this is happening to you.

user727494727 · 04/05/2023 22:42

Changing door locks is super easy, it takes 2 minutes,. Just one screw if it's a pvc door. You don't need a locksmith

Pinkbonbon · 05/05/2023 11:31

Chances are if you split up over the phone (which would probably be wise) he's going to try insist on meeting in person so you don't want him being able to enter your home when you tell him you won't be doing that.

Or even under the guise of collecting his things.

Newestname002 · 05/05/2023 14:12

@Daisysunset

Very sensible OP - you can't be too careful in these situations I think. Additionally do you have a Ring doorbell or similar? That would give you a level of comfort as well as new locks if he were to come to your home to try and "reason" with you in person. 🌹

Original poster

Daisysunset · 05/05/2023 22:02

user727494727 · 04/05/2023 22:42

Changing door locks is super easy, it takes 2 minutes,. Just one screw if it's a pvc door. You don't need a locksmith

That's the plan for tomorrow!

OP posts:

Original poster

Daisysunset · 05/05/2023 22:03

@Newestname002 good idea about the Ring doorbell. He's left his motorbike in the drive for the past month because it's not working apparently, so he will need to come over for that sometime.

OP posts:

GarlicGrace · 05/05/2023 22:21

I'm still here, too, thinking of you. I really hope Mr Poetry cuts his losses and has already lined up a new icon to put on his pedestal. I agree that every reasonable precaution is a good idea, though, as he comes across as very entitled to your devotion - and that can be dangerous.

Good luck, and have a nice weekend :)

Ladybug14 · 06/05/2023 04:50

Daisysunset · 05/05/2023 22:03

@Newestname002 good idea about the Ring doorbell. He's left his motorbike in the drive for the past month because it's not working apparently, so he will need to come over for that sometime.

Thankfully he can remove the bike without you having to see or interact with him

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