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Original poster

Is he too much?

132 replies

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 11:15

I've been seeing someone for 4 months. Had lots semi-relationships but nothing serious for about five years. Thought I wanted the whole relationship thing, but now I'm not so sure.

Previous boyfriends have all been pretty casual, once a week thing with no declarations of love, just a general growing of feelings. I thought I wanted more but now I've got it and I feel a little hemmed in.

The guy I've been seeing gives me very intense 'you are my world' texts daily. Really long and emotional about how I am his everything. He's been married twice (both 12 years+) so does have experience of relationships.

Initially I felt the same and after the most recent lukewarm relationship it was a revelation to find I could someone's idea of a perfect partner. I admit I have exactly the same back - I thought I'd found my person. He does absolutely everything for me, he is so generous and kind and thoughtful and loving. Nothing is too much trouble.

But for the past few weeks I've been feeling stifled. I tried to tell him but when I say I need time alone he just says 'whatever you want darling, I just want you to be happy' and although that seems like the right answer it still makes me feel odd.

I just feel like I want to retreat into my cave and not come out. I can't imagine breaking it off with him, it'll break him. He has so many plans for the future and I feel so bad as initially I went along with them all because I thought it was what I wanted, but now I'm not so sure.

I just don't know what to do - I think I'm getting the ick but I feel so awful about it.

Any thoughts would be very helpful - thank you.

OP posts:
NotNowGertrude · 02/05/2023 07:23

He sounds like a creep, why are you entertaining this?

Original poster
Daisysunset · 02/05/2023 07:26

Because it started off well, he came across as enthusiastic and I really liked him. It's just as the weeks have passed I've realised it's not quite what I thought it was.

OP posts:
Nolosomi · 02/05/2023 08:15

Put your boundaries strongly in place and end it. Don’t feel bad, it’s only been 4 months, you owe him nothing. Chin up & good luck.

piedbeauty · 02/05/2023 08:23

Good luck, op.

WisherWood · 02/05/2023 08:39

I keep reading all your messages and I know it's the right thing for me, but extricating myself from this isn't going to be easy.

Well you're going to have to end it at some point and it will be less difficult now than later. I would cut your losses re. any stuff at his. I'd just text something brief such as 'This isn't working for me so I'm calling it a day'. And then block him. Be prepared for him to turn up at yours though. It might help to be somewhere else or have someone else with you. Do not engage with him. At all. Ever again. Any engagement will be seen by him as a way back into your life. Do not give him that. He'll be fine. He's been through marriage breakups. And he's not your responsibility anyway.

pinkyredrose · 02/05/2023 08:50

He sounds awful . Tell him he's completely overwhelmed you and you no longer feel the same about him.

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 08:54

I agree that you'd be safer having a friend with you today, in case he turns up at your house.
Or just being elsewhere.
Have you got a Ring doorbell - you'd know if he was turning up.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/05/2023 08:56

Poems!
I bet they're shit.
Tell him you had a dream about Sylvia Plath and Ted Hughes and it reminded you that poets are fundamentally unstable and dramatic.

Obvs don't really do that. But do end it. And just bear in mind, 6 months ago he had no idea you existed and he was living his life perfectly fine without you. This man doesn't "need" you. He doesn't even know who you are - he's just created a fantasy version of you in his head; one who doesn't have cats and dogs, one who doesn't have a dripping tap, one who wears the clothes he buys for you like a dress up dolly.

Run like fuck.

Pinkdelight3 · 02/05/2023 10:17

He won't be expecting it because he's not listening and ultimately wrapped up in himself and his needs, not in you. Otherwise he wouldn't be sending epic poems everyday to someone who'd already said they needed space. Don't think of him as this poor vulnerable guy who you're going to be hurting. Think of him as this self-centred guy who is causing you problems. You have every right to call time on a four month relationship without this much guilt and worry.

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 02/05/2023 13:38

OP good luck with the break up.

Hold firm, do it somewhere safe, I'd consider a phonecall when you're both at your own homes. Suggest any possessions you each have at each others houses are simply posting back to the other person by recorded or tracked delivery. There is absolutely no reason to see each other again. Ever. Don't let him pop round for anything he's forgotten for example.

Once it's all wrapped up I'd block him on everything. No reason to stay in touch either. Wish him well (even if you don't mean it) and be on your way.

Do you have a ring doorbell?

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 02/05/2023 13:39

If you don't have a video doorbell I'd suggest getting one.

Thepeopleversuswork · 02/05/2023 14:04

Eurgh he sounds grim OP. Go with your gut.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 02/05/2023 14:53

How did it go?

potniatheron · 02/05/2023 14:58

TheShellBeach · 01/05/2023 13:02

This isn't healthy, OP.
He's already got you thinking you cannot possibly break up with him because it'll break him?
That's actually very clever and manipulative of him, only four months in.
If you're feeling stifled, and he doesn't actually back off, then he isn't respecting your boundaries and he will carry on doing exactly as he likes.
The next stage will be more subtle abuse, to see how much you'll stand, then before you know it, he'll be controlling your every move.
End it now, before you get sucked in too deeply.

This. This is exactly it.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/05/2023 15:04

He sends me a long poem each morning about how much he loves me, how important I am to him, how I am his world, and I struggle to reply anyway;

He's continually hemming you in, isn't he? sending you long poems about how much you mean to him (subtext - don't ever hurt me) and expecting that you respond to them. He's giving me claustrophobia just reading about him.

Pinkishpurpleyblue · 02/05/2023 15:14

Your updates gave me the shivers. He seems quite calculated. I hope you stay strong and do what needs to be done. shame these creeps dont go around wearing all these red flags they own isnt it!

tailinthejam · 02/05/2023 15:19

Four months? The cheese in my fridge is older than that.

You have to end this as soon as possible OP. Red flags galore.

WakeMeUpInspring · 02/05/2023 15:21

Daisysunset · 01/05/2023 22:47

Thank you. I feel sick as he won't be expecting it at all.

He sends me a long poem each morning about how much he loves me, how important I am to him, how I am his world, and I struggle to reply anyway; it's even worse now I know what I need to do.

I keep reading all your messages and I know it's the right thing for me, but extricating myself from this isn't going to be easy.

Wow that's creepy and manipulative. End by text then block him.

TheShellBeach · 02/05/2023 15:24

I hope you're okay, OP.

Ending things with men like this is when they're at their most dangerous.
Please be absolutely firm with him, pay no attention to his response, and block him everywhere.

I think he'll try and circumvent that anyway, by making fake accounts.

SpringleDingle · 02/05/2023 16:39

Just don’t be surprised if he turns weird and/or nasty when you end it. My ex suddenly started sending lewd texts then went into total “woe is me” mode. It felt really out of character and he made me genuinely nervous in the end.

Duckingella · 02/05/2023 16:46

There's a woman on here divorcing a man who has been married twice before her;take heed;one failed marriage is one thing;two is another;there's a reason two women prior to you got rid of him and I'm betting it's for the same reasons

Original poster
Daisysunset · 02/05/2023 21:28

I've given myself some breathing space by texting to say I want space and need time to myself. This is a pre cursor towards seeing him at the weekend and ending it properly.

He's being quite cold, saying he's hurting but he won't take it out on me.

I feel sick, and a little sad, that I mis judged this. I know it wasn't healthy, but in the beginning it felt like it was.

OP posts:
Dery · 02/05/2023 21:46

I’m feeling stifled and panicky just reading about him. Your instincts have served you well. This is very unhealthy behaviour.

Do you have to see him to break up? It might be better to do it from a distance. Also, as PPs have said: perhaps have a friend or relative to stay for a bit if you can. To support you and to act as a buffer if he tries to give you a hard time.

Nolosomi · 02/05/2023 22:01

Try not to engage with him - do the slow fade until the weekend & you really don’t have to see him face to face, a phone call is ok after 4 months. Look out for yourself first & foremost and stop feeling sorry for him, or that you owe him anything.