My partner left because I dated a footballer!

[Staceysoo]

I met my partner 5 years ago, we were together for just under a year until he just left me out of nowhere.
the last 4 years we have continued to see each other here and there. I have always wanted to be with him but he just saw me when he felt like it whilst he dated and did everything he wanted to with other women whilst still seeing me. He made me feel like he wasn’t doing anything wrong because we weren’t together. He went through times of telling me he wanted me and then he would just drop me repeatedly. Probs because of another girl. He also slept with other girls at the same time as me which I wasn’t aware of at the time otherwise I would have cut it off.
I was an emotional wreck and suffered with anxiety because of him pulling me in repeatedly but not committing. The times we weren’t together I tried to move on with my life because he didn’t want to commit to me but the cycle would just repeat.
The start of this year he apologised to me and said he doesn’t know what he’s been doing and has issues with commitment. He told me I was the only person he wanted a family with and can only see his life with me. He’s expressed how much he loves me.
He has literally been amazing and done a 360 even though still sometimes a little emotionally distant.
whilst I was single I hardly dated due to being so in love with him I just couldn’t see myself with anyone else however there was guys I met within the last 4 years and spent time with because I felt I needed to move on with my life.
One guy I dated we went out and ended up sleeping together.
This guy I dated was a football player and so is my partner.
Recently I told my partner about the date with this guy. Since telling him he told me he didn’t want to be with me because the guy I slept with his a football player. Baring in mind this happened 2 years ago.
He said how he doesn’t want to be with a girl that’s been with a footballer but anyone else I have slept with doesn’t matter.
I just feel so let down, I put aside everything from his past to be with him yet he can’t do the same for me.

I feel like he cares if people find out and he said he knows what lads are like in the changing room. Ultimately it feels like he cares more what people would think than our relationship. Not that I think anyone would even know. I feel like he’s embarrassed of situation.

I’m trying to put myself in his shoes to understand but after the big apology and him telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Surely our relationship means more than that? I think his pride and ego has taken over.

I’m so confused and need some opinions and thoughts?

He found someone who seems young and naive and he is tuning your life for a laugh. Run!

he sounds like a school yard boy trying to get laid, they’ll say anything. Stop believing men, OP. most of my male friends lie and cheat.

good luck moving on. Don’t look back.

I’m so sorry to add my voice to the many. But this man has treated you appallingly already - and now this. This is even worse than before because it’s all about his ego, his control of you, his reputation, his ‘ownership’ of you.

He is being so ridiculously unreasonable. How dare he? You say you are sad - why aren’t you raging with anger?

You say you love him but I’m wondering if it’s infatuation / limerence, because love is based on mutual support and respect.

Please please OP, stand tall and strong; extricate yourself from the hold he has over you. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

THAT is your takeaway?

OP describes a shitshow of a b/f, but you hone in on a man who know zero about, & criticise him because he knows how to kick a ball?

How many footballers do you actually know?
You're aware there are hundreds of thousands of perfectly acceptable men who happen to play football in this country, no?

Where is your advice about the man who you know is abusing OP, because she has actually described his behaviour? Do you think he's a better bet than a total stranger, just because the stranger has ball skills?

The guy has done you a massive favour by saying this out loud. He is too immature to be in a relationship and you have wasted far too much time with him. He is not boyfriend material.

oh, and your partner did not leave you because you dated a footballer.

that's what he is telling you. Not what happened.

My first thought, like many pp, is that this has nothing to do with you dating a footballer. He just wants an excuse to dump you again and has found a way of making it sound like your fault.

As you point out, the fact you dated someone who does the same job as him is a rubbish reason to be angry or end a relationship. And it isn't the real reason. He just wants to play the field again or has someone in mind.

Even if for some absurd reason he genuinly is bothered by you dating another footballer, you're better off without him as that's mad.

No. This man is a user. He uses you when he wants to. He says what you want to hear to reel you back in when it suits him. Then he walks away when he's bored / has found someelse / fancies a change.

What makes you think this is OK? Do you realise you deserve so much better than this awful loser of a man? A good relationshop looks nothing like this. PLEASE block him, now and forever. Take time to heal. Think about what YOU want in life, and build yourself up. And don't date again until you're ready to protect your needs and feelings, and to expect nothing but respect, honesty and an equal relationship from men in the future.

Imagine yourself in 5 or 10 years time.... happily single or in a decent, grown up, mutually respectul and happy relationship with someone who adores you. Your ex will still be playing the field, hurting people and never having a meaningful relationship of his own. You will be so happy you walked away when you did.

Don’t waste your time trying to understand him . He is gaslighting you . He is a player. He will NEVER change. Be angry , move on and pick someone better. Learn from your mistakes.

He also slept with other girls at the same time as me which I wasn’t aware of at the time otherwise I would have cut it off.
But you are aware of it NOW.
So why are you even contemplating being within 500 yards of the tosser?

The start of this year he apologised to me and said he doesn’t know what he’s been doing and has issues with commitment. He told me I was the only person he wanted a family with and can only see his life with me.
OP - WAKE UP!!
Isn't the stench of bullshit making you feel sick yet? He tells you, in the same breath, that he has commitment issues AND wants to settle down & have kids?

PP upthread mentioned Trauma Bond. She's right - you have 5 years on desperately unhealthy toxicity to heal from. Start here - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-trauma-bonding

@Staceysoo The overwhelming image in my head while reading your post was Charlie Brown trying to kick the football, and every single time Lucy pulls it away.

You're Charlie Brown OP, and the only way you're going to win here is to stop trying to kick the football. Maybe take up Badminton instead.

This guy may as well have CUNT tattooed on his forehead, from his behaviour over a five year period.

I'd forget all about him and seek some kind of therapy to deal with why you've allowed him back in repeatedly, and strategies to avoid a repeat performance with someone else.

Re-read your OP.

This has nothing to do with you saying a footballer.
You could have stayed single or dated a butcher, cleaner or doctor - his reaction still would have been the same.

He doesn’t like you and he’s finding things to leave or treat you like shit.

Please stop allowing yourself to be disrespected by someone who will leave for good as soon as he gets the chance.

You are wasting your life by filling in the gaps whilst he finds someone he actually likes.

Op, I know this thread isn’t going the way you hope, but I’m hoping you are reading it and taking some note.

SmallFerret knows her stuff.

Read your OP again and pretend it is a friend or relative you love writing it.

What would you advise them? What would you think of the man in the situation?

You come across as desperate for this man's attention and willing to put up with anything (including being disrespected and mistreated) to get it. It's really sad you have such little self-esteem.

He is now finishing with you after messing you about for years and sleeping with other women bc he's found out you slept with someone who threatens his masculinity and ego. He's a massive wanker and you would be a fool to carry on chasing him - end of.

He didn't leave because you were with a footballer. He left because he's a wanker who was never with you in the first place.

It's time to stop.

How many more years are you going to be a doormat.

You're backing a loser here, so you must take charge of your own destiny.

Block him and mean it.

Good luck I know how hard it is but you can do it 🍷💐

That was difficult to comprehend but from what I could decipher, it sounds to me like you're desperate to become some sort of WAG and I think that's where you're going wrong. Focus on yourself. Be alone for a while, have no contact with him and work out what it is that YOU want

Please take some responsibility for your life and the decisions you make.

Reread your post. He’s a shit. End of. And just end it and shut him out. Boundaries please, you need to hate him to love you.

OP, your post was not ‘difficult to comprehend’ at all - I read it once, quickly, and understood it perfectly. Also you do not sound like a WAG wannabe at all. Not even a little bit. So please ignore the unpleasant comments from a few posts back.

I’ve already given my opinion on your situation up thread. Basically, dump him and never look back.

Slightly off topic but if you want a glimpse of a very healthy footballer's relationship-watch The Therapy Crouch on You Tube. Peter Crouch and Abbey Clancy share their lives and are a joy to watch. They piss each other off but the respect and love is always there. They are also hilarious!

Didn’t he cheat on her with a teenage prostitute when she (Abbey) was pregnant?

League or non-league?

Seriously though, he sounds like a twat.

This response is fantastic. I have read some of the links and oh my, they are brilliant.
Looking back on my own experience, my self worth was so low I accepted the crumbs. He was so blatent he would out right tell me how he felt and would still sleep with me. He believed that as he was being honest, he had no liability, he chose to not see my vulnerability and pain.
Even now, 15 years on he tries to make me out to be the bad person, I should feel bad for him because he has no money blah, blah.
OP please read these post and see how much kindness has been shown. People who are strangers have spent so much of their time to give you support and he treats you with contempt. If complete strangers can show more love to you than a partner, that tells you all you need to know.

@Mollymoostoo thank you for your kind words, & yes - those links are a stonking resource, I have learned so much from resources like these, therapy, & co-survivors over the years.

We all start out not knowing this stuff (it should be part of the core curriculum, frankly, but ... that's a whole other thread about the social conditioning of young women & girls' romantic expectations) & enough PP have been through this mill to, after years of experience, confidently "pay it forward" to others on threads like these.

On that note, without wanting to cause you ANY uncomfortable unscheduled ruminations ... something from your supportive & helpful post to OP struck me hard, & you might want to set aside a safe time to assimilate & understand it:
He believed that as he was being honest, he had no liability, he chose to not see my vulnerability and pain.

My dear, he saw your vulnerability & pain all right.
Those were the levers he pulled to control you with.
He ensured your pain, then weaponised it to keep you trauma bonded.

But you have the last laugh! here you are, safe on the other side of a twat. They seem like monsters when we are still enmeshed (& some of them genuinely are) but most of them a low-grade, pathetic little shits deep down. If they weren't, they wouldn't have to pull these coercive stunts to make a woman 'love' them.

What you felt for that horrible man wasn't love. How could it be? He was awful to you! It's a trauma bond - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-trauma-bonding

to all us SURVIVORS.

I should feel bad for him because he has no money blah, blah.
😂😂😂

Ah, the haunting cry of the Lesser-Walleted Cocklodger.
A plaintive call, with overtones of guilt-tripping & parasitical longings.
If heard in the woods while wearing a red-hooded cape, wise women know to run hard & fast for the hilly meadowland ....