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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner left because I dated a footballer!

132 replies

Staceysoo · 30/04/2023 00:31

I met my partner 5 years ago, we were together for just under a year until he just left me out of nowhere.
the last 4 years we have continued to see each other here and there. I have always wanted to be with him but he just saw me when he felt like it whilst he dated and did everything he wanted to with other women whilst still seeing me. He made me feel like he wasn’t doing anything wrong because we weren’t together. He went through times of telling me he wanted me and then he would just drop me repeatedly. Probs because of another girl. He also slept with other girls at the same time as me which I wasn’t aware of at the time otherwise I would have cut it off.
I was an emotional wreck and suffered with anxiety because of him pulling me in repeatedly but not committing. The times we weren’t together I tried to move on with my life because he didn’t want to commit to me but the cycle would just repeat.
The start of this year he apologised to me and said he doesn’t know what he’s been doing and has issues with commitment. He told me I was the only person he wanted a family with and can only see his life with me. He’s expressed how much he loves me.
He has literally been amazing and done a 360 even though still sometimes a little emotionally distant.
whilst I was single I hardly dated due to being so in love with him I just couldn’t see myself with anyone else however there was guys I met within the last 4 years and spent time with because I felt I needed to move on with my life.
One guy I dated we went out and ended up sleeping together.
This guy I dated was a football player and so is my partner.
Recently I told my partner about the date with this guy. Since telling him he told me he didn’t want to be with me because the guy I slept with his a football player. Baring in mind this happened 2 years ago.
He said how he doesn’t want to be with a girl that’s been with a footballer but anyone else I have slept with doesn’t matter.
I just feel so let down, I put aside everything from his past to be with him yet he can’t do the same for me.

I feel like he cares if people find out and he said he knows what lads are like in the changing room. Ultimately it feels like he cares more what people would think than our relationship. Not that I think anyone would even know. I feel like he’s embarrassed of situation.

I’m trying to put myself in his shoes to understand but after the big apology and him telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Surely our relationship means more than that? I think his pride and ego has taken over.

I’m so confused and need some opinions and thoughts?

OP posts:
SquirrellyTheSquirrel · 30/04/2023 05:34

You need to stop spending time speaking to this guy and instead using it on therapy to understand why you accept this treatment.

Whichnumbers · 30/04/2023 05:36

He makes up stupid rules and is extremely immature. Ultimately he doesn’t care about you & isn’t partner material.

go and find someone kind and caring, when you do that you’ll look back and realise this guy is a tosser

FrenchFancie · 30/04/2023 05:51

My previous partner was like this for 9 years until I got a grip and decided I wasn’t going to do that anymore - he was genuinely shocked when I met and then married someone else! To the point of coming to see me a few weeks before the wedding and essentially saying ‘ok jokes over you can come back to me now!’ I had great pleasure in telling him no.

please don’t waste years of your life on this guy - the cycle of on/off will continue until you put your foot down and walk away… he won’t chance and your self esteem will just get repeatedly battered. Get rid and cut all contact.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/04/2023 05:53

This isn’t really love even if it feels like it because you love the person you want him to be, not the person he actually is and this won’t change, he won’t change. You’re addicted to him. Tips to break free”

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/youre-my-obsession-how-to-recover-from-addictive-relationship-0420174

Also have a read on toxic relationships. This man will never make you happy. If you want to settle down and have a family, trying to do this with him will cause a lot of upset to you and any future child.

You’re My Obsession: How to Recover from an Addictive Relationship - GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog

As with any addiction, recovering from an addictive relationship involves facing harsh truths, detaching, finding healthier outlets, and perseverance.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/youre-my-obsession-how-to-recover-from-addictive-relationship-0420174

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 06:00

Let him go, OP. You're worth so much more.

Shoelacesundone · 30/04/2023 06:08

For goodness sake this is nothing to do with the footballer. The guy who will use you and dump you at will for any reason or jo reason as long as you let him.

You say you're confused but it's not at all confusing.

Don't worry in a few monthshell be back again.

🙄

TicTac80 · 30/04/2023 06:15

Honestly, I'd take this as a bloody lucky escape!! Block him, cut him out of your life, DON'T let him back in. He's spent years treating you like absolute crap. He doesn't love you. And he only says nice things to you, to reel you back in. I'm so sorry he's treated you like this. He's really done a number on you. Please don't waste years being in love with someone who thinks so little of you. You're worth so much more.

Sunnysunbun · 30/04/2023 06:20

Reread your post and have a little think. The clues are all there.
Just to help you - he's awful. Really ghastly. There is nothing about this that doesn't scream run for the hills. There is nothing about him that would make him a good husband or father.
Seriously. Get a grip and get away from this narssacistic non entity.

awakeeveeynight · 30/04/2023 06:22

I had awful flash backs to my 20s reading this when I had no self respect and let a man do exactly the same thing to me for about four years. I then decided enough was enough and stopped contacting him and found happiness being single before then happiness with the love of my life.
This man will not change, he will never settle for you. You will always be someone to hangout with between him finding someone else who is new and exciting. Get some self respect and stop him doing this to you now.

Nosejobent · 30/04/2023 06:29

BreviloquentBastard · 30/04/2023 00:35

Dig up your bar from wherever you've buried it and raise it. There are far better men than this absolute loser. Being single is better than pining after some waste of space like this.

Excellent advice!

MissHavershamReturns · 30/04/2023 06:42

Let him go op. This will be hard now but so much better for you in the long run.

You deserve someone who puts you first and treats you with love and care. Someone who you can trust and who is always there for you.

Is there anyone in RL who you can talk to about all this and will support you?

Susieb2023 · 30/04/2023 06:42

You are in control here. I know you don’t feel it but you are in control of your happiness and your emotional safety.

Right now you are letting yourself down. You are allowing a man who makes you repeatedly miserable back in your life repeatedly.

Like a PP I’ve been there. So I know how tough it is to break free but I did and I stayed single for a while after, just building myself up and realising my worth. TBH I wonder why on earth I let this guy manipulate me now!

Get rid and lay off the men while you refind your sense of worth so you don’t repeat this pattern.

Gh12345 · 30/04/2023 06:43

Please OP - move on. He’s a waste of space

JaffaCake70 · 30/04/2023 06:47

Come on now, this is ridiculous.

You're wasting your life on a manipulative dickhead.

Get rid, move on and work on your self esteem.

Advicerequest · 30/04/2023 06:48

I hung around for a man like this and it did not end well. Get out.
if it wasn't 'a footballer' it would be something else. This is an excuse to berate and punish you and shift responsibility away from himself and make you feel bad.
what a horrible up his own arse person.
yoj are definitely worth more than tbis.
cut all contact and get away.

PappedOot · 30/04/2023 06:52

Sack him off OP, he’s a lying, manipulative POS who will always make you question yourself and won’t make you happy.

You can do so much better!

RLmadmum · 30/04/2023 06:53

Well, this guy sounds like an absolute peach!

Unfortunately, the last five years of your life have been dominated by a gaslighting narcissist. Please, do yourself a favour and choose you. It sounds like he's reaching for an excuse to go back to his old ways and this is what he's clutched at.

Please, get rid and don't look back. I know it's hard because you love him, but you deserve so much better. I would genuinely seek some form of counselling as well as it sounds like he's done a serious number on you and may have skewed your view of what a healthy and loving relationship should look like. Take some time out for yourself, learn to love yourself. Then move on to find someone who can appreciate and love you, flaws and all ❤️

YouJustDoYou · 30/04/2023 06:59

He's using you. And you;re letting him. You deserve better, and need to say no.

Zanatdy · 30/04/2023 07:01

I’m sorry OP. What an arse, that’s a horrible way to treat someone. Please don’t waste anymore time on this guy. He’s always going to have an excuse why he can’t be with you properly and just use you for sex. Go and get an STD check and stay well clear from this guy as he’s just going to continue to hurt you. Don’t waste your best years on him, get out there, widen your social circle by getting a new hobby / volunteering etc. I have been there, though not for a long period but I know how it feels and it’s truly horrible

Dery · 30/04/2023 07:01

OP - this man is not your partner. What did you learn growing up that has allowed you to tolerate such bad treatment? This man doesn’t give a damn about you. In situations like this, you have to look after yourself. It doesn’t matter that you love him. You have to take your love back. Love between adults is meant to be conditional. If a partner treats you badly, you need to walk away, no matter what you feel for them. Keep your love for someone who deserves it. Please let this be the last time you waste any more of your life on this unpleasant user. Walk away. Stay away. Find someone who values you and will treat you with love and care.

JaffaCake70 · 30/04/2023 07:04

Also, he's trying to shame you for sleeping with a footballer when he's been sleeping with whoever he feels like sleeping with for years.

A particularly abusive ex of mine did a similar thing to me, shamed me for having two children with a previous partner out of wedlock and put myself in the position of being a single Mother.

He made me feel terrible.

After 5 years of abuse I got rid and started working on my shattered self esteem.

I'm now many years down the line, my boys are grown and I have the best Husband I could ever have wished for.

You can do this OP, you are worth so SO much more than this.

Dery · 30/04/2023 07:04

And I agree with the PP who recommended counselling so you can work out why you love someone who has treated you so badly and what a healthy relationship looks like.

JaffaCake70 · 30/04/2023 07:05

Advicerequest · 30/04/2023 06:48

I hung around for a man like this and it did not end well. Get out.
if it wasn't 'a footballer' it would be something else. This is an excuse to berate and punish you and shift responsibility away from himself and make you feel bad.
what a horrible up his own arse person.
yoj are definitely worth more than tbis.
cut all contact and get away.

You've absolutely hit the nail on the head.

Hillrunning · 30/04/2023 07:10

For fucks sake, is this really what you for your one available life? You don't love this man, love doesn't feel shity. He doesn't even like you never mind love. Get him out of your life entirely. Even if that means some huge changes. Life doesn't have to be this hard.

RedHelenB · 30/04/2023 07:18

NeatCompactSleeper · 30/04/2023 00:45

How many men do you know who play football?

If you've struggle to think of more than a handful that treat women well, you really need to change your circle of friends.

Show quote history

I'm assuming she doesn't mean it just as a hobby but a job. Feel free to tell me which of these treat women well?

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