My partner left because I dated a footballer!

[Staceysoo]

I met my partner 5 years ago, we were together for just under a year until he just left me out of nowhere.
the last 4 years we have continued to see each other here and there. I have always wanted to be with him but he just saw me when he felt like it whilst he dated and did everything he wanted to with other women whilst still seeing me. He made me feel like he wasn’t doing anything wrong because we weren’t together. He went through times of telling me he wanted me and then he would just drop me repeatedly. Probs because of another girl. He also slept with other girls at the same time as me which I wasn’t aware of at the time otherwise I would have cut it off.
I was an emotional wreck and suffered with anxiety because of him pulling me in repeatedly but not committing. The times we weren’t together I tried to move on with my life because he didn’t want to commit to me but the cycle would just repeat.
The start of this year he apologised to me and said he doesn’t know what he’s been doing and has issues with commitment. He told me I was the only person he wanted a family with and can only see his life with me. He’s expressed how much he loves me.
He has literally been amazing and done a 360 even though still sometimes a little emotionally distant.
whilst I was single I hardly dated due to being so in love with him I just couldn’t see myself with anyone else however there was guys I met within the last 4 years and spent time with because I felt I needed to move on with my life.
One guy I dated we went out and ended up sleeping together.
This guy I dated was a football player and so is my partner.
Recently I told my partner about the date with this guy. Since telling him he told me he didn’t want to be with me because the guy I slept with his a football player. Baring in mind this happened 2 years ago.
He said how he doesn’t want to be with a girl that’s been with a footballer but anyone else I have slept with doesn’t matter.
I just feel so let down, I put aside everything from his past to be with him yet he can’t do the same for me.

I feel like he cares if people find out and he said he knows what lads are like in the changing room. Ultimately it feels like he cares more what people would think than our relationship. Not that I think anyone would even know. I feel like he’s embarrassed of situation.

I’m trying to put myself in his shoes to understand but after the big apology and him telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Surely our relationship means more than that? I think his pride and ego has taken over.

I’m so confused and need some opinions and thoughts?

Op, please listen to the posters on here. You’ve wasted 5 years on this twat, move on. You don’t want to end up with someone who will drop you because he feels like sleeping around.
He has zero respect for you and I’m afraid you can’t get that back. MOVE ON.

He can only imagine a life with you eh? Yet he rejects you on a random whim over nonsense.

He's toying with you. Like a cat with a mouse. He gets bored then goes back for more idle torture.
Don't be a mouse.

Time to give up on footballers . Full stop.

agree with PP. run for the hills. He’s going to sense you escaping though and try to tempt you back so I’d suggest going completely no contact. Block on phone and social media. Avoid him at all costs at least until you’re strong enough to say no to him. Otherwise the cycle will repeat forever.

You need to stop referring to him has your partner, he isn't. Sorry to be blunt but you mean literally nothing to him, you are allowing him to use you, as an when he feels he need some security, you're there, it need to stop! He has no respect for you at all, in fact I think he see you as a reliable object, knowing you will allow him to come and go as he pleases.

Are you talking about footballers as in professional footballers?

He is a twat and a half, stay away from that world.

You need to go cold turkey with this man and completely move on. He's never going to change and he's never ever going to commit to you.

Stop wasting your life in someone who doesn't respect you. There are decent me out there. I know you think you're in love with this man, but he doesn't live you back. You deserve better.

He reminds me of a friends ex blowing hot & cold at the time. She finally got up the courage to dump his ass. Please fo the same. He’s a shit.

He’s not been ‘pulling you in’; the cycle is not just randomly repeating with you as a passive passenger. You have betrayed your own interests by going back to this loser again and again despite his demonstrating very clearly that he is not capable of being in the kind of relationship you want.

Once you recognise that you are a person with agency and autonomy in your relationships, you will feel a lot better and so much less anxious.

Of course he was sleeping with all his other women. You were just a handy option that he kept dangling for when he could be bothered. Sorry to be blunt.

He manipulates you so that you are grateful for any attention that you receive. He now wants to see you a bit more but of course he wants to put you back in a place where he gets you to take all the blame for every defect in your relationship and are falling all over yourself to please him. Please leave him.

If you really want to see how a master manipulator works, watch Harrison on this seasons Married at first sight Australia. It’s very insightful at how clever he is at turning conversations to control you.

I was with a man like this for about 8 years. He was doing the same to me as other women. I was there to meet his needs, just a toy.
I put up with it because I have abadonment issues from childhood.
Whilst you are holding on to him, you have no space for the person who is right for you.
My advice is to get counselling and work on your issues, when you feel more self-worth, you won't accept this behaviour anymore.

You have wasted 5 years on him. Don’t waste a moment longer.
Every single person here is telling you the same thing. Please listen to us x

God! Why are you putting up with this behaviour for one minute? Who cares what this manipulative tosser thinks?? You should be caring about what YOU think. This man is bad for you.

Block him on everything and move on!
MYou might find the Freedom Programme helpful.

I’m so confused and need some opinions and thoughts?

He is a manipulative arsehole and you deserve so much better

Love "Dig up you bar from wherever you've buried it and raise it ........"
Love this @BreviloquentBastard

Agree with everyone who says run for the hills.
He is a misogynist.
Do not waste another thought on this vile cretin.
Also do not breed with anyone who has the same misogynistic views as he dies. You will just be perpetuating the belief that women are either virgins or whores and passing these beliefs to your child.
Just tell him to fuck off.

The start of this year he apologised to me and said he doesn’t know what he’s been doing and has issues with commitment. He told me I was the only person he wanted a family with and can only see his life with me. He’s expressed how much he loves me.

You do realise that that's the patter he uses with women all the time, don't you? I'm afraid he sees you as a total pushover. Time to show him that you aren't.

He’s used you for the last 5 years and wasted your time. He doesn’t love you. Don’t let him waste another 5 years.

He doesn’t have “commitment issues” he just wanted his cake and eat it and liked shagging about whilst always having a back up plan.

Move on and get rid.

God he sounds like a right twat. I would have got the ick a long time ago.

Why would you want a scum bag for a partner? Bin him off he sounds like he has an IQ of about 50. He only wants you in-between other girlfriends. Find yourself someone who only wants you and makes you feel special not worried and stressed. Leave him for someone who won't mind being cheated on.

I am transported back to 1988 and you are my friend. Exact situation, except she saw sense after 3 years. He isn't your DP. He's an abusive user. Other men/footballers are seeing how he treats you, and think that's fine by you. Block him and stop going to the clubs etc where he and his circle hang out.

Find your self respect and boot him far in to the distance.

Above all else, don't inflict this man upon your future children.

Take the advice of everyone on this thread, stay away from him. He does not respect you, he thinks he can treat you whatever way he wants and you will accept it (you have to date) He has waved a red flags at you, he has shown you who he is, he will never love/respect you properly. Stay away from him.

I’m trying to put myself in his shoes to understand
Why?
Having spent 5 years contorting yourself into a preztel to try & please this man, frantically doing the Pick-Me Dance for him while he gets a buzz of how much pain he can cause you & still keep you pining for him, why are YOU trying to understand HIM?
https://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-humiliating-dance-of-pick-me/

You already know what he is.
He's a prick who can't keep it in his pants, a bare-faced liar who doesn't respect you enough to give you honesty, & a manipulative little shit who will say anything that comes into his head in order to keep you undermined & desperate for him.

He has literally been amazing and done a 360 even though still sometimes a little emotionally distant.
This is literally true, but not in the way you think it is.
360 degrees is a full circle. When something does a 360, it ends up in exactly the same position it started at.
Your b/f hasn't changed, he's just telling you what you want to hear, to reel you back in so he can belittle & abuse you again.
Deep down, you know it's true, because you feel the emotional distance.
Even without all his other bullshit - why would you settle for an emotionally distant b/f? You can't maintain a relationship with somebody who withholds his emotions.

So why are you torturing yourself with this unworthy man?
He cheats, treats you abominably, then Hoovers you back in with a bit of Love Bombing. It's a test to see how much abuse you will tolerate. You are just a pawn in his sick game, he doesn't give a shit about you.

Take comfort - he doesn't give a shit about anyone else either. Certainly not all the other women he's cheated on you with. He''ll be giving them the same Idealise / Devalue / Discard cycle he gives you. He's a lowlife abusive cheat - they all use the same Script.

This can't have been easy to read, so I hope you take my bracing words as the Tough Love they are intended to be. I wasted too many years of my prime on a similar character, & don't want to see yet another young woman throwing herself away on a worthless shit. So learn from this experience - read the links below, & STOP wasting your life "trying to understand him". Instead - understand the toxic dynamic you have become trapped in, & release yourself from it.
Give yourself permission to drop this chancer, & move on with your life.
He will NEVER make you feel happy, secure, confident, or trusting.
He will NEVER change.
There is nothing more you need to understand about him.

Do yourself a giant favour, & imagine how good it would feel to dump him. Brutally. Just to text him a "Dear John, it's none of your business who I dated when we weren't together, you are a lying cheat who doesn't deserve me, so I'm moving on - never contact me again, byeeee" ???

I strongly suggest you liberate yourself by doing just that.
Then take a good few months away from any dating, just to focus on yourself & your boundaries. Maybe access some counselling to explore why you tolerated such poor behaviour from a stupid shit of a man, certainly do The Freedom Programme - link below.
https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

All of this is meant in good part OP, none of it is a criticism of you, but I seriously wish you would galvanise yourself to understand that you deserve better than this worthless man. And DO NOT try to plaster over the pain of finally splitting up with this man by rushing back into dating. You need to do some work on your self-esteem, to grieve & heal, & take time to learn how to value yourself. The links below will help with that.

Now ditch that appalling man, & congratulate yourself for finally losing his malign presence in your life.

https://lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

https://www.verywellmind.com/devaluation-and-idealization-in-bpd-425291

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/love-bombing/

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Assertiveness/dp/0704334208