Page 3 | When men say ’romance’ and ’ romantically interested’ , does it actually mean anything?

CantAskAnyoneElse · 2023-04-27T05:16:04+00:00

Or is it all just a euphemism for sex? And do they ever mean romance as actual romance, just romance?

EustaceTheMonk · 27/04/2023 22:12

HowManySunflowers · 27/04/2023 06:31

I think some men say it because they think it's what women want to hear.

As a bloke, I would say most men say it because they think it's what women want to hear.

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 28/04/2023 06:14

PaintedEgg · 27/04/2023 21:33

@CantAskAnyoneElse apologies if this question is too invasive, but do you mean you physically unable to have penetrative sex with someone? Im asking because years ago I knew someone who has a disorder called "vaginismus" - she wasn't too interested in sex to begin with and if the tried it was either not pleasurable, uncomfortable, painful or even impossible and what you've described reminded me of it.

@PaintedEgg
Yes, now I am unable to that.
It developed during my last relationship.

Can I ask what happened with your friend, as in did she find away to do it or is she perhaps just single?

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Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 28/04/2023 06:24

DOBARDAN · 27/04/2023 22:08

Each to their own, I just wish men would listen to what's being said and cool off,
Instead they tend to see your not wanting to have sex with them as a challenge,
Some seem to get a kick out of knowing they are making you feel uncomfortable,
Despite there being sites where they can find women who will willingly sleep with them, they seem to want the thrill of persuasion/forcing the issue/making women feel uncomfortable,

Oh this 100%!

I’ve always been honest.
And still they wanted to continue and then get angry at me.

OP posts:

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 28/04/2023 06:25

EustaceTheMonk · 27/04/2023 22:12

As a bloke, I would say most men say it because they think it's what women want to hear.

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Do men ever feel guilty about lying @EustaceTheMonk ?

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PaintedEgg · 28/04/2023 08:18

@CantAskAnyoneElse unfortunately I don't know as we have lost contact over the years. The last I have heard she was in a long term relationship so I supposed they figured it out somehow, but I dont know if they are still together.

That all being said - It's one of those conditions where it's only a problem if it is a problem to you - if you were never interested in sex to begin with it may be just a case of finding someone compatible and it will never cause an actual issue.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 28/04/2023 11:57

Vaginismus can be treated, look it up on the NHS website, but as the poster above says, you would probably only want treating if you wanted to have sex in the future and this was getting in the way, in my friend's case she was in a relationship, wanted to have sex and have children and so this was a considerable impediment.

I think all this needs unpacking with a therapist so you can understand what you do and don't want yourself before worrying if you can find anyone to fulfil those needs.

EustaceTheMonk · 28/04/2023 16:47

CantAskAnyoneElse · 28/04/2023 06:25

Do men ever feel guilty about lying @EustaceTheMonk ?

Show quote history

I have no doubt that some do. Can't say I have ever met one though.

NP101 · 29/04/2023 07:54

As a guy in his late 30s you sound great to me OP. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy sex but can happily go once a fortnight and feel satisfied.

I comment only to encourage you not to give up as there will be a man out there who is suitable - it will just take longer to find.

In my own relationships I've been reluctant to be romantic for fear of it leading to sex. In my experience if a woman is rejected it can really knock their confidence and self esteem whereas with a man it's sort of the assumed outcome and therefore doesn't have the same impact.

Sammy900 · 30/04/2023 15:13

Do you mean that you feel led astray by the promise of fine wining and dining, and romantic poems/ picnic/walks 0r more that you thought they were insterested in a long term relationship and not just casual?

I think it's a problem with the wording, how can someone be looking for romance but surely that only comes naturally when you are smitten, head over heels, etc?

It's tricky isn't it, it's hard to promise long-term commitment when you don't know someone yet or that you'll fall in love with them.

If you fancy someone and are attracted to them, then you most likely want to have sex with them, but if it doesn't work out then the promise of looking for a long-term relationship wont

ButtonBound · 30/04/2023 16:08

I completely get where you are coming from @CantAskAnyoneElse. I'm older and haven't 'started' at all - but that's a whole other story! Now I'm at a stage in my life where I would like to experience relationships but I find myself rather jaded and cynical about everything.

Romance to me isn't sex, it's all the little things - a surprise night away, dinner somewhere, cozy fireplaces, walks on the beach etc. If that leads to sex, brilliant, but to me the two can be totally seperate.

Growing up I thought you met someone you liked and that was it. Everything fell into place. Sex to me was always something that should be done (especially for the first time) with someone you had feelings for, someone you cared a hell of a lot for, or who you loved. It's important to me to feel something, but at the same time I don't feel sex should be everything in a relationship - and I think you would agree, OP?

Unfortunately I've come to realise that sex really is all men want and everything else is something they just put up with to have regular access to sex. And that to me, is so disheartening. And they will lie to you about what they want to get what they want. It's been said on this site (and if you go looking, other sites), by men, that they will do and say all the boyfriend stuff - they'll meet families and friends - for as long as they need and still only think of you as someone they're having sex with. And that's great if that's what you want.

I just don't understand how any woman puts themselves out there, knowing that that's all men want. How are we OK being fed a load of BS just so they can have sex?

Bansheed · 01/05/2023 06:34

ButtonBound · 30/04/2023 16:08

I completely get where you are coming from @CantAskAnyoneElse. I'm older and haven't 'started' at all - but that's a whole other story! Now I'm at a stage in my life where I would like to experience relationships but I find myself rather jaded and cynical about everything.

Romance to me isn't sex, it's all the little things - a surprise night away, dinner somewhere, cozy fireplaces, walks on the beach etc. If that leads to sex, brilliant, but to me the two can be totally seperate.

Growing up I thought you met someone you liked and that was it. Everything fell into place. Sex to me was always something that should be done (especially for the first time) with someone you had feelings for, someone you cared a hell of a lot for, or who you loved. It's important to me to feel something, but at the same time I don't feel sex should be everything in a relationship - and I think you would agree, OP?

Unfortunately I've come to realise that sex really is all men want and everything else is something they just put up with to have regular access to sex. And that to me, is so disheartening. And they will lie to you about what they want to get what they want. It's been said on this site (and if you go looking, other sites), by men, that they will do and say all the boyfriend stuff - they'll meet families and friends - for as long as they need and still only think of you as someone they're having sex with. And that's great if that's what you want.

I just don't understand how any woman puts themselves out there, knowing that that's all men want. How are we OK being fed a load of BS just so they can have sex?

But that is not true. Both my exDh and current DP are deeply emotional men. They care for their children, family and friends. They want love too

Cooknook · 01/05/2023 06:40

It depends on the man. Sure some will say it because they think it's what women want to hear even though their only motivation is actually sex; others are more open and honest though and are happy saying they just want something casual and then if they say this sort of thing it means they're more interested in something further.

Rather than putting too much weight into words I'd go more by actions and conversations overall. Personally I've always found those who want something longer term are slower burners as they're genuinely interested in getting to know you and into taking things at a natural pace; whereas those who want sex often will feed you all sorts of world salad and promises and then invariably cool off once you've had sex.

Cooknook · 01/05/2023 06:44

Unfortunately I've come to realise that sex really is all men want and everything else is something they just put up with to have regular access to sex

Thats sad you've been made to feel this way, I don't think that's the case at all. Sure some might but plenty of men are fully engaged with home and family life whilst treating their partners well beyond the bedroom- that's a lot of investment just for sex (which often ebbs and flows anyway).

I do think generally what men want out of life and what women do can vary a fair bit, I know a fair few who would have happily remained childfree for example but agree to children and probably aren't as engaged in family life as they could be. Similarly though if you meet someone you can be open and honest with and you aren't afraid to leave over these types of deal breakers then no reason you can't both be truly happy.

STARCATCHER22 · 01/05/2023 08:06

Sammy900 · 30/04/2023 15:13

Do you mean that you feel led astray by the promise of fine wining and dining, and romantic poems/ picnic/walks 0r more that you thought they were insterested in a long term relationship and not just casual?

I think it's a problem with the wording, how can someone be looking for romance but surely that only comes naturally when you are smitten, head over heels, etc?

It's tricky isn't it, it's hard to promise long-term commitment when you don't know someone yet or that you'll fall in love with them.

If you fancy someone and are attracted to them, then you most likely want to have sex with them, but if it doesn't work out then the promise of looking for a long-term relationship wont

It's tricky isn't it, it's hard to promise long-term commitment when you don't know someone yet or that you'll fall in love with them.

This is something I really resonate with and I think you’re so right. When I was online dating, men would often ask “what are you looking for”. The reality is that what I was looking for depended on the guy. I was ultimately hoping to find a relationship but that didn’t necessarily mean I wanted one with just any man. I was looking for the right one. I don’t think it’s a problem if men are in the same situation. They may want a relationship and romance but not with certain people. That’s okay.

ButtonBound · 01/05/2023 12:58

Cooknook · 01/05/2023 06:44

Unfortunately I've come to realise that sex really is all men want and everything else is something they just put up with to have regular access to sex

Thats sad you've been made to feel this way, I don't think that's the case at all. Sure some might but plenty of men are fully engaged with home and family life whilst treating their partners well beyond the bedroom- that's a lot of investment just for sex (which often ebbs and flows anyway).

I do think generally what men want out of life and what women do can vary a fair bit, I know a fair few who would have happily remained childfree for example but agree to children and probably aren't as engaged in family life as they could be. Similarly though if you meet someone you can be open and honest with and you aren't afraid to leave over these types of deal breakers then no reason you can't both be truly happy.

It is sad and no-one finds it sadder than me. There was a thread on here a while back (can't find it now but I took note of a few answers) - the question being will a man be with a woman for a few years, have her meet the family etc and still only regard her as someone you have sex with - and how long do you stay with someone just for sex?

One of the answers being yes, to be blunt, lots of men could happily do this indefinitely, and do. The passing of time and doing stuff together doesn't necessarily change much in the male brain. Don't assume that for a man intimacy and the passing of time have made the relationship any more deep, meaningful, vulnerable etc. It may feel self-evident to you that it should be the case, but for a guy it ain't necessarily so.

And then add into the mix, all the men (and women too of-course) that are cheating - dating sites are full of them. That includes the happily married, engaged in family life ones. Men want to have sex with more than one woman and if they had the opportunity and guarantee of not being caught, they would.

Then there are the couples who are settling for someone - how depressing is that.... being the "she'll do" woman? And they're not going to tell you that they're settling, so how do you know if they are or aren't?

I just don't know how to navigate it all when we're so fundamentally different.

Anyway, I'm derailing your thread @CantAskAnyoneElse , apologies. Just needed to let it out.

QueefQueen80s · 01/05/2023 14:06

Just to counteract, I've known ALOT of emotional men, far more so than me. They deeply feel the love and romance. Partners, friends, brothers, friends partners. Many men are not just about sex.
Maybe it's the men I know? I don't really know any of the typical "alpha male" types

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 01/05/2023 15:30

QueefQueen80s · 01/05/2023 14:06

Just to counteract, I've known ALOT of emotional men, far more so than me. They deeply feel the love and romance. Partners, friends, brothers, friends partners. Many men are not just about sex.
Maybe it's the men I know? I don't really know any of the typical "alpha male" types

Perhaps the difference is that those of us who don’t care that much about sex, or perhaps at all, or physically can’t have it or wants to take actual time before having it, to us it really does seem that’s all that matters to men.

I’m sure all those men you mention are lovely, but how fast/much/etc they want sex, or would they still be loving and romantic if there wasn’t sex?

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QueefQueen80s · 01/05/2023 15:43

Yes sex is definitely still involved, just not the sole focus like with the men mentioned on here. They want sex, love, friendship, deep connection, support.

TheNachtzehrer · 01/05/2023 16:06

CantAskAnyoneElse · 01/05/2023 15:30

Perhaps the difference is that those of us who don’t care that much about sex, or perhaps at all, or physically can’t have it or wants to take actual time before having it, to us it really does seem that’s all that matters to men.

I’m sure all those men you mention are lovely, but how fast/much/etc they want sex, or would they still be loving and romantic if there wasn’t sex?

Show quote history

But why would someone want to form a romantic connection with someone if that someone didn't want to be sexual?

Most people want both. If one person wants the romantic connection to be sexual and the other doesn't, then the two of them are incompatible, and should go their separate ways. It wouldn't make any sense to actively cultivate romance with someone who doesn't want to form a sexual connection if you do want to form one.

QueefQueen80s · 01/05/2023 18:01

Are you asexual OP? You might be more successful on dating apps specifically for that as most people do want sex.

sladys · 01/05/2023 18:22

*Oh, never though or seen it that way.
I’ve always considered the two be separated.

I mean people have sex without romance, why not romance without sex.*

Sex can be extremely romantic in the right relationship. It's almost as if you see sex as a negative?

I totally understand not wanting to have sec with someone too early.

Is your problem that you're unable to meet someone who is not interested in anything more than just sex?
Or are you looking for a LTR where sex doesn't feature at all? In a new, committed relationship where both people are attracted to each other and have romantic feelings, it is common for both to be interested in a healthy sex life (not just the man).

If the latter have you considered if you could be asexual?

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 01/05/2023 19:47

But why would someone want to form a romantic connection with someone if that someone didn't want to be sexual?

Most may not want this, but some do.
Even if they don’t want / can’t have sex, there is still love, companionship, sharing a life.
I mean surely the people who must have sex, still have other reasons to be in a relationship.

Yes sex is definitely still involved, just not the sole focus like with the men mentioned on here. They want sex, love, friendship, deep connection, support.

My point was clearly lost, what I was saying that to some of us it comes off it was only sex that matters.

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sladys · 01/05/2023 20:04

Most may not want this, but some do.
Even if they don’t want / can’t have sex, there is still love, companionship, sharing a life.
I mean surely the people who must have sex, still have other reasons to be in a relationship.

I think this is definitely true once you are in love and in a long term committed relationship. Sex is an (important) factor in my relationship. We both enjoy but it also makes me feel closer to my DP and strengthens the bond. However, it's not everything - if something happened tomorrow that meant we could no longer have sex, I would still want to share my life with him.

I also don't think it's fair to make out that it's a male only thing. I don't think many women would enter into a new relationship if there was no sexual element.

For example; if I had met him on a dating app (for example) and he wasn't able/willing/interested in sex in the beginning, I wouldn't have thought we were compatible.

That's not to say everyone will feel the same. Some people may feel the same as you and you will be more compatible but finding that might be difficult.

It could also be that you meet someone naturally and a non-sexual companionship develops and you could fall in love. It would then be up to them whether they were content without sex as the strength of their other feelings outweigh their sexual needs.
I just think if you're actively seeking a relationship through OLD it will be the minority looking for similar.

Original poster

CantAskAnyoneElse · 01/05/2023 20:34

@sladys
Is your problem that you're unable to meet someone who is not interested in anything more than just sex?
Or are you looking for a LTR where sex doesn't feature at all?

At this point I don’t know anymore.
I definetly need a relationship where sex isin’t the determination of the relationship.
The reasons for it is pretty long, but I don’t like the manipulation, blaming/shaming when I don’t want or can’t do it, I can’t trust someone who won’t live me without sex - that’s just empty to me and bodily autonomy is now number one importance to me.
But it may have been decided for me, because as I said earlier - physically I can’t do it anymore.

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sladys · 01/05/2023 21:08

CantAskAnyoneElse · 01/05/2023 20:34

@sladys
Is your problem that you're unable to meet someone who is not interested in anything more than just sex?
Or are you looking for a LTR where sex doesn't feature at all?

At this point I don’t know anymore.
I definetly need a relationship where sex isin’t the determination of the relationship.
The reasons for it is pretty long, but I don’t like the manipulation, blaming/shaming when I don’t want or can’t do it, I can’t trust someone who won’t live me without sex - that’s just empty to me and bodily autonomy is now number one importance to me.
But it may have been decided for me, because as I said earlier - physically I can’t do it anymore.

I know a lot of people have asked if you could be asexual. Without prying too much it sounds like your personal situation is a lot more complex than that.

Without expecting you to go into detail, it sounds like you're looking for a couple-style relationship without the expectation of sex.

If that's the case, even if you're not actually asexual yourself, it sounds like looking to date someone who is, might be a good place to start. No doubt there are specific OLD sites for that