When men say ’romance’ and ’ romantically interested’ , does it actually mean anything?

[CantAskAnyoneElse]

Or is it all just a euphemism for sex?

And do they ever mean romance as actual romance, just romance?

All romantic relations by default means sexual desire and sex - and most people would not think of it as a strings attached...just that they really like this person they are being romantic with

If you just want the crackling fire and holding hands, dating (and particularly online dating) might not be the thing for you. In any new relationship, you’d hope that there is likely to be a physical side to it including sex and intimacy rather than just holding hands, walks and cozy fireplaces. Some of the men you encounter online will be on the look out for casual sex but almost all the men will be looking for some form of sexual relationship. They aren’t in the wrong for wanting that.

If that’s not what you are looking for, it’s not that the men are in the wrong, it sounds more like you might not really want to be dating.

Can I ask how old you are?

Oh, never though or seen it that way.
I’ve always considered the two be separated.

I mean people have sex without romance, why not romance without sex.

I really do want to date. Well, I don’t like the dating part, but I’d really like a partner and companion.

I’ve never really like OLD, I’m terrible at reading people and I believe what people claim to be, so it wasn’t for me. And so many seem to be there just for quick and easy sex.

I’m in my 30’s.
But had a really, really late start and it’s not really going anywhere, hence my problems.

this is only my opinion but romance without desire is not romance - its platonic friendship.

From personal experience: One of the best dates I've had did not involve any sex (spring time, seaside and middle of the night - not ideal temperature), but part of the romantic feeling was to do with attraction to this man (whom I later married btw, so clearly it wasn't just about sex :P)

And that’s fine @PaintedEgg , I think one great thing in our times is that we can have our own definitions and views on things.
To me it can’t be platonic if and when the people want to share and build a life together (whatever that may look like).
The trick is finding like-minded person.

Are you sayin if couple has gotten old/ill/lost libido or interest in sex, they are now nothing but friends?
I just can’t get behind that.
Or two people who never cared for or even like the idea of sex, find each other and start a relationship - can anyone point their fingers and say that is ”just” a friendship?

Few times ’desire’ has now been mentioned, maybe I just don’t feel it.
It just holds no value to me, personally.
All I’ve ever wanted was love and go through life together.
I just can’t find a person who wants the same thing.

There are people who are asexual but it is absolutely not my place to comment about how these relationships work - I know they do, but I am not one of these people so I don't know how they navigate relationship dynamics.

I agree that its all about finding a like-minded person, I approached it more from the point of view of not feeling bad that someone is attracted to you. It doesn't mean they are only interested in sex and not you as a person - it can be both. So it's more an issue of finding compatibility than people being dishonest about their intentions

For me romance is definitely bound up with sex, as sex is a really important part of feeling emotionally connected to someone.

I can see that if you get that from sex.

I’ve never really understood what the fuss is about.

I approached it more from the point of view of not feeling bad that someone is attracted to you.

I don’t feel bad.
It just doesn’t seem to mean the same it does to many others.
And I just need more than that.

If a man said this to me I'd assume he wanted to subject us both to a series of clichés involving some, or all, of sunsets, red roses, candlelight, posh dinners, picturesque weather conditions, and quaint looking tourist traps, as a prelude to sex. Either because he thought I would expect it, or because he lacked imagination. A genuinely 'romantic' incident is usually spontaneous and doesn't need to be labelled as such.

I think this is going to be incredibly hard to find in your 30s. To be honest, what you’re describing sounds more like companionship between widows in their 80s.

What would make what you want different to a platonic relationship?

You seem to think that desire and attraction tarnishes/makes a connection less. That isn’t the case at all. I met my partner online. He respects me as a person and equal, treats me like a princess and also is attracted to me. Sexual attraction and desire doesn’t cheapen how someone feels about you.

I didn’t mean it to come off as it cheapens it.
It just that it turned out to be not really my thing.
And I just get dissapointed when they turn thing towards sex, cause that’s usually when things end.
I just feel like everything is so over sexualized, I understand that for those with much interest to it are loving it, but I’m just tired.
And in relationships it’s exhausting when it my responsability to ’meet their needs’, I’ve suggested open-relationship, but the all of a sudden sex is to show love or something like that. And they won’t agree, fair enough.
And I’m left wondering where is the love they’re showing all of a sudden.
I just don’t get that out of it.
I’ve tried.
It’s kind of like a inside joke I’m not a part of.
I just don’t get it.

And it sucks, friendships are totally different, they don’t want to share and build a life with me. They’re doing that with their partners, like I’d wish to do.
They mive on, like friends do.
Surely there is other than just sex alone in most relationships, otherwise wouldn’t they just be called fuckbuddies.

What you are describing sounds like asexuality (ACE) to me, but lots of asexual people also want relationships and companionship, so you are not alone. I don't know a huge amount about it but your standard dating sites will not be suitable, pretty much everyone on there will want sex with or without a relationship. Try some forums for people with similar needs- so asexual but wanting a relationship or read up about it and you might find then you find more likeminded people or even a way to phrase what you want and communicate better. Hoping people don't want sex on a standard dating website is not going to work but there are a huge amount of other places on the internet that aren't like that, so my teens tell me!

Why are viewing sex as “meeting their needs”?
I can see why men you are dating aren’t open to an open relationship. They want to date you, get to know you and be with you. They clearly aren’t interested in anyone else.

Do you have much relationship/sexual experience? (Not asking to be weird but just thinking that could be a key to this)

When I was a teenager, my mum projected some outdated sexual ideas on to me (I’m also in my 30s). She often told me that sex was all men would want from me and that it was something to be done for men and not really for women to enjoy it. Those hang ups took a long time for me to shake.

Romance is what you think it is. Rose petals and candles aren’t “romantic” to me, they’re corny but not to others. We’ve got a log burner so fireplaces are just “Tuesday in January”. It’s romantic to me when DH does little things I like or more personal stuff. And yes, romance often means physical intimacy and sex too.

By the way, asexual people do sometimes have sex if they get in a relationship where they want to do that, it's not something that never happens, but you need to be more upfront about yourself and your needs to find other people who think similarly or aren't that fussed about sex (or even may have a reason why they can't have it). Hoping to hit that needle in a haystack randomly dating will never work because most people are not asexual (I think it's about 1% of the population). That's not a disaster though as now the internet means they can find each other or match with people who are less fussed about the sexual side of the relationship.

When DP says it, it is very much code for a shag. He would rather say romance than shag, whereas, I am more basic than him.

Because they literally use the word ’need’.
They need sex.
And I just really get anything whatever you’re supposed to get out of it.
I don’t mean to go too much TMI, like the gius have done their part and all that, it just doesn’t mean anything to me.

Yeah, I guess I can see why they didn’t want others.
And in hind sight we never should’ve started anything, I just didn’t know it then.
Once they do get to know me, everything is apperently fine, except sex.
Why am I not happy, why don’t I initiate, other women have loved it and so on.
So I suggested that since everything else is fine and sex isin’t, for them to get it somewhere else. Seemed like a win-win.

Warning TMI:
Last one ended because he got huffy because I couldn’t do it anymore, because we couldn’t het it in anymore. I don’t know why, but it just kind of…shut off and now I can’t get anything in there. Again, sorry about the TMI.

I don’t know what counts as experienced, I’ve had four boyfriends, I don’t do casual.

No, my parents didn’t say anything bad about sex, we’re not religious, I have no trauma, I don’t believe sex is wrong, for all tense and purposes I should be a real happy fucker.

I will look into asexuality.
I really didn’t know before.
I just tried to do what we’re ”supposed” to.
And older I got, I just got lonelier and it always seemed to have to lead to that.

I mean people have sex without romance, why not romance without sex

Because for almost everyone, a romance is only ever part of a sexual relationship. I agree that you sound as though what you are describing asexuality. A man is not going to be interested in a romantic, non-sexual relationship unless he is asexual. I'm a woman and personally I'm not at all keen on romance! Companionship and enjoying each other's company, absolutely yes. But the soppy, hearts-and-flowers, gazing into each other's eyes stuff? No thanks. Even if I liked it, I am pretty sure most men only pretend they do.

@CantAskAnyoneElse apologies if this question is too invasive, but do you mean you physically unable to have penetrative sex with someone? Im asking because years ago I knew someone who has a disorder called "vaginismus" - she wasn't too interested in sex to begin with and if the tried it was either not pleasurable, uncomfortable, painful or even impossible and what you've described reminded me of it.

OP, I wonder if some of what you’re describing could be to do with feeling anxious about sex, or something physical going on in your body? I had phases like this in the past and at present (with a different partner) I love sex!

A book I found really helpful is called Come as you Are by Emily Nagoski. She explains that anything that makes you feel stressed can make you not want sex, and it was eye opening reading about the science of women’s bodies and sex. It was what I read in between finding sex stressful/impossible and finding it wonderful. She also points out that for some people, the sex they’ve experienced may not be very good so it’s no wonder they’re not interested in it! I don’t know if this applies to you, but worth thinking about, maybe.

In recent experiences of online dating I had relationships where sex first happened several months after getting to know the guy, and the guys valued taking things slowly and were always really respectful of what I was comfortable with. I did make my profile about my rather niche hobbies meaning that I had plenty in common with the people I dated which maybe helped a bit…

You do kind of sound like you might be asexual to me.

To the majority of adults, the point of "romance" is essentially sex which also has a layer of emotional intimacy, trust, and (optionally) commitment. What makes sitting together in front of a fire "romantic" isn't the fire, it's being with someone you're sexually attracted to. I would find the stereotypical trapping of "romance" infuriating and pointless without a sexual element. The fact that it didn't even occur to you that "romance" would involve a sexual aspect is, well, very unusual.

I'm not sure that online dating is the place for you, honestly. If you want to meet people for a romantic but nonsexual connection, I think you probably need to look at asexual dating and connecting.

Having written about asexuality, what you are describing does sound like vaginismus where the muscles contract to prevent penetration. If so, with a sympathetic partner and you wanting to treat it, it can be treated successfully, I know someone who had it due to a terrible medical experience and she went on to have three kids and a typical sex life. I think getting a therapist would be a starting point to working out what you want and what you need and validating that, before trying to find someone who is going to make this worse (and finding people who just want sex will do that).

Each to their own, I just wish men would listen to what's being said and cool off,
Instead they tend to see your not wanting to have sex with them as a challenge,
Some seem to get a kick out of knowing they are making you feel uncomfortable,
Despite there being sites where they can find women who will willingly sleep with them, they seem to want the thrill of persuasion/forcing the issue/making women feel uncomfortable,