No family, how do I do this?

[NotQuiteDownton]

Trigger Warning

Whenever I see the title of the Stately Homes thread I smile to myself.

Growing up I didn't live in a Stately Home, though it was big and gorgeous, by anyone's standards.

However, my parents are champagne socialists. Dad worked, they sunk all of their money into that house. One summer I had a growth spurt and literally nothing to wear. We went to the local comp, where I was bullied mercilessly, until I got to year 10 and I started to be a rebel.

Meanwhile, my parents, both of them, used to beat me black and blue. They broke bones too many times. They called me 'stupid, ugly and fat' and many other things. It wasn't a picnic for my siblings, but I undoubtedly was the scapegoat, I copped the worst of everything.

But this was the 80s, Childline was starting up as I became an adult. Our local hospital told the Police, but nice middle class people with big houses and good local connections were a law unto themselves.

Eventually my Dad retired, his pension is huge.

My DCs are adults now, I brought them up well, loved them as much as any parent could, I never hit them or called them names. They didn't live in a huge house, but they always had enough.

I've got a PhD. I'm not fat. I have been grey rock-ing my family for a decade, DH has been very supportive. I should have done it sooner, but you only know what you know. Since I left home at age 16 I have never taken a penny from them.

When my first DC went to Uni my parents invited them to stay, they paid off student finance and paid them a lot of money to live through University. They told my next DC and the same happened for them and so on. The price? Our DCs aren't speaking to us, they won't have anything to do with us.

DH is upset, but takes the attitude that we have done all we can and that he can wait it out, that our DCs will come round.

Me? I'm devastated. In particular, one of my DCs has said some hateful things to me. That'll be my parent's influence.

I'd always had such close relationships with my DCs, I know this sounds over dramatic, I feel bereaved, eviscerated.

Additionally, I'm peri. I cannot stop crying. I cry in stupid places: the car, work, supermarket, night out, night in, anywhere.

DH is right, that I need to find a way to move on, I don't know how. DH doesn't have any family either, it's just the two of us. After 30 years bringing up children I hate my career and I no longer have any family. My life is pointless.

I know that there are plenty worse off than me.

If you're going to say that I'm a poor little rich girl please don't comment, I am broken.

Oh I’m so sorry. This has really shocked and upset me. I would be devastated too. You need to get yourself treated for perimenopause symptoms so that you are in a better place to cope. Would your DCs agree to meet and talk things out? Please have hope, your life is not pointless. Things can always change.

Can see this has completely shook you up and understandably - you poor love. Your parents are verycruel and have let you down badly and now seducing your kids with money favours. Must have cut you to the core. Hang in there and feel your feelings and the despair. You're a good person and a lovely mother.

What do you think your parents could have said to your children to make them go NC?

I’m sorry but are you sure everything was great with your kids? I know many abusers can be highly manipulative but this seems like a very abrupt 180 from your children.

I hope one day your DC will see through the lies they've been fed and want to build bridges.

How devastating for you both.

Please get help for your peri and therapy to come to terms with what has happened. Be kind to yourself.

Did either of your children get 'close' to your parents during their childhood. Seems like one or both have been hijacked.

Do the kids perhaps think they'll be in line for the money if your parents croak?

I mean even so, it seems odd that they would just cast you asside because of things their grandparents said to them. Not even in their childhoods but as young adults going to uni.

Either you're missing out a large part of thr reason as to why they've suddenly jumped ship. Or they're as narcissistic as your parents were. Of course, some of that can be genetic. But a lot of it is parenting.

The physical damage done to you it's absolutely horrendous. I would be interested in chasing up those records.

I do think your children will come back to you, but I completely understand how upset you are. What a horrible situation for you and your husband. Your parents… There are no words to describe them.

@Noicant it will have been a slow drip. It started with "come to us for your Uni holidays, we're staying in Puglia for 2 months, would you like a friend or two to join you for a week". You can do a lot of brainwashing if you are offering someone young an opportunity to enjoy three months of fully paid up luxury.

Don't you remember being 18 or 19? How much did you care about spending time with your parents? Especially if you were working a summer job through Uni? (ours haven't, needed summer jobs, we did expect that they would, we had to!)

What did we do to cause it? DH and I live pretty average lives, not glamorous.
I can say with my hand on my heart that for all my faults I have been a good parent and thank you for the vote of confidence.

I'm so sorry, it's so difficult when you know how awful your own parents are and they then take our your own precious DC.

I don't really know what to suggest, but my heart goes out to you.

That's what abusers do.
It applies to any kind of abusers, parents or partners.

They build things up slowly, at first they are wonderful, after a while if you aren't on their side there must be something wrong with you too.

Did your parents have any contact with the children during childhood? If they are bribing them financially, then eventually (hopefully) they will realise they are being manipulated and back away.

Do your children know how terrible your childhood was? Do your siblings acknowledge that you were the scapegoat?

They build things up slowly, at first they are wonderful, after a while if you aren't on their side there must be something wrong with you too

Yes I wonder if it's like an emotional blackmail that your kids feel. That they are compelled to be loyal and conform to your parents - who are also the bestowers of money, but with strings attached. Whatever's going on it's incredibly hurtful.

I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to be cruel. I’m NC with my own parents so my tendency is to sympathise with people going NC rather than the other way round. I was just trying to understand if there were cracks before that can be pinpointed. I guess it’s probably my own childlike feelings about wishing I had loving parents and if I had had them I wouldn’t turn away from them or disbelieve very easily. I went NC after having my DD specifically to protect her so it’s something that plays on my mind, would she believe their narrative, I would hope she would know me better.

I apologies for being tactless when you are in pain 💐. I hope they realise and come back to you. All you can do is keep the door open.

@PollyAmour yes, my DCs do know how bad it was.

My own siblings bully me too, one in particular would/could be kind, but they don't dare for fear of becoming the scapegoat themselves.

I'm sorry @Noicant I do understand the "well you (DH & I) must have done something wrong" school of thought. For people who haven't experienced abuse it's easy to think that, isn't it?

I didn't mean to be snappy, I'm posting only because I am at a real low, I'm not usually irritable.
In a way I don't blame our DCs, what have we got to offer them now?
🌸

She came to ask if your DC knew about how bad your childhood was but I see they do. I feel so sorry for you, what an awful situation.

When you say, they want nothing to do with you, did they say it & give a reason or have they just blocked contact?

In your situation, I would write a letter to them all (assuming they’re all on the same page). I would tell them you love them, that you’re sad of the situation. I would also remind them of your terrible childhood. I would then say I’ll alway love & be here for you but I won’t be contacting you again because I’m hurt too by their actions & then try your best to find happiness in other areas. I’m sure in time they’ll realise the hurt caused.

I came, not she

OP, so sorry to read about your terrible childhood and what has happened since with your children.
Your parents sound absolutely vile, and your siblings no better. Please believe that you did the best you could, l can see how tempting it must have been for your children to be seduced by the financial lure and luxurious lifestyle offered by your horribly manipulative parents but feel very sad they have turned against you.
l doubt their grandparents will be able to keep up this facade long term though and the cracks will show eventually. I hope in time your childen will see the light and come back to you. So very sorry though, it must be heartbreaking. Re peri, do see your G.P and get started on some hrt, it will help your emotional state at least and enable you to think more clearly.

Have hope. Love always always shines through. One day your parents mark will slip and your children will see them for who they are because currently they are acting and acting can be very tiring especially if you need to be in character 24/7.

It's incredibly difficult but always remember that you showed your children unconditional love and support in their upbringing. This can't be forgotten. Eventually the penny will drop and they will realise what they had. You just need to make sure every single interaction with them you have is loving, supportive, accepting and not defensive and argumentative. Even if they try to be.

There was a woman on here who's daughter had married a controlling man who was desperate to severe contact with her family. And although it hurt, her daughters actions were quite frankly outrageous returning gifts, demanding money, refusing to let her see her grandchildren, spending her early inheritance on unusable land. The mother only ever responded in a supportive way. And this gave her a line of communication to her daughter and on occasion her grandchildren.

Real love can't be broken, real bonds can't be faked. Be there for them and when they finally see be there. Thinking of you x

*Mask not mark

i agree it does seem very odd that your children’s affection could be bought like this and they have turned on you with such hatred. I assume there is more to the story from your children’s perspective.

have your considered family counselling? When you ask your children to explain why they are rejecting you what do they say? It is very difficult to go NC with parents - and unusual that it would happen when the relationship was perfect.

my mother was very challenging when I was a child - emotionally abusive. She claims she has no memory of this and says I am making it up if I raise any incidents from childhood. She honestly seems to believe she was the perfect mother.

I am not saying you were abusive but a bit part of this is to accept no pre r is perfect and there may be things you could have done better. Meet the kids half way?

How do your siblings react to all this ?

I unfortunately don’t find it hard to believe that money can speak very loud.
How old are your children OP ?

I’m the oldest of 2 and was taken into care by my grandparents a couple of years after my brother’s birth. But he’s aware. And he’s back with the parent who was the reason for it. Solely for money. He has lost a lot of friends, and at 26 now, who knows if it will ever change.

We have horrible family relationships, because the parent who wasn’t involved (not that I don’t resent the lack of involvement, but he was in an other country, I was very young (no issues, school, friends, EC all fine), and he was fed a lot of lies. I honestly try to focus on the now.) has a little more financial means. Brother seems to have realized (late, I reconnected with other parent about 3 years ago, but we have a really strong bond) that although mum spoils him to death (he earns fine, more than her, he bleeds her and she still has a mortgage at 62) I might get ‘all the inheritance’ which is worth more. I definitely won’t, I’m 32 and I’ve skipped a lot of the adult abuse, but he still loves his son, just grieves for the one he thought he had. And I’m not interested in inheritance, my dad is only 70, I just pray he’ll stay with me. Mum and brother were furious about money when he remarried, I’m happy for him. Going through care, I’ve only ever relied on myself, so I struggle to connect with inheritance matters, which surely doesn’t help.

Sorry this was very disorganized because it’s a painful subject, but I guess the main tentative messages is these things are unpredictable. I would have never thought I’d reconnect with my dad at 29, I would never have thought my mum and brother would turn out so unbelievably cruel (police intervention level) for the interest of money. And he had a lovely upbringing, she was damaged with a girl, but her boy got absolutely everything, always well adjusted until about 18-20.

You don’t have to share more of course but it’s a little difficult to advise without more.

OP, it may be as simple as your kids experiencing your parents in a very different way than you did. They may be confused by the disconnect between the grandparents that they are experiencing and the people that you describe particularly if your siblings don't display the same level of animosity towards your parents that you display.

Grandparents are often different with grandchildren in tolerance and generosity. That is not necessarily buying their love so much as deriving pleasure from being able to do for their grandchildren. You parents too may have learned from their past mistakes.

Anger and animosity are not heirlooms to be nurtured and preserved. Those characteristics do not increase in value over time. There are many things that you want to pass on to your children, but a family feud is not one of them.

It is possible that your long maintained anger with your parents is off putting to your children particularly if they are experiencing grandparents as generous and caring peoplclie who are welcoming to their friends and interested and supportive of their future goals.

If they are seeing a better version of your parents, be happy for them If you still need help in resolving your anger and pain from your childhood, share those painful memories with a therapist rather than with your children.

You and your parents may never be close but perhaps you can find a way to bond over your shared love of your children.

If your children see you being more receptive from occasional overtures from your family, they may be welcoming of a more inclusive extended family.

If the overtures from their grandparents are not genuine , they will see that in time as well.

In the best of all worlds, this could be the beginning of a new chapter for all of you. If you habe grown and learned over these many years of separation, it is also possible that you parents may have grown and learned a little.

Wishing all of you better days ahead.

ds

Yeah this is why it's an absolute line in the sand with toxic people. Sorry you are going to through this.

Thank you for your responses so far.

Respectfully, I wonder whether the people who have suggested a type of communication with my parents have experienced what it was like to be abused by a parent.

Spousal abuse is slightly different, my first husband (I was in my teens, no DCs) is something that you can get away from. Yes, it is difficult, the options are often awful, but it is possible to get away.

Whereas, it was the '80s, they were my parents, they could answer all of the questions in the right way, they knew what to say. I was trapped and every attempt at intervention by the authorities made things worse for me.

School was my refuge, and I was good at it.

It's difficult, when challenged I am defensive because nobody believed me.
It seems that some of them still don't.

Yes, your relationship with your grandparents is different from that of your parents, which is why it's so easy to manipulate our DCs. My parents offer considerable money, they also offer love.
Could you really turn that down yourself? Would you?

Of course our DCs have some grievances against us, we were their parents. They had rules, though we were far from strict. Now they are being told to consider that we are/were crap really, but look, "we will give you love and a brand new car". Why would our DCs still believe that my childhood was so bad, when their relationship with my parents is so good.

There is no way that my parents would come to family counselling.

Nor would our DCs currently. They think I am dirt.

@NotQuiteDownton
Can you complete your last sentence, " they think that I am dirt because ".

I think the crux of the problem lies in the answer to that statement.