No family, how do I do this?

[NotQuiteDownton]

Trigger Warning

Whenever I see the title of the Stately Homes thread I smile to myself.

Growing up I didn't live in a Stately Home, though it was big and gorgeous, by anyone's standards.

However, my parents are champagne socialists. Dad worked, they sunk all of their money into that house. One summer I had a growth spurt and literally nothing to wear. We went to the local comp, where I was bullied mercilessly, until I got to year 10 and I started to be a rebel.

Meanwhile, my parents, both of them, used to beat me black and blue. They broke bones too many times. They called me 'stupid, ugly and fat' and many other things. It wasn't a picnic for my siblings, but I undoubtedly was the scapegoat, I copped the worst of everything.

But this was the 80s, Childline was starting up as I became an adult. Our local hospital told the Police, but nice middle class people with big houses and good local connections were a law unto themselves.

Eventually my Dad retired, his pension is huge.

My DCs are adults now, I brought them up well, loved them as much as any parent could, I never hit them or called them names. They didn't live in a huge house, but they always had enough.

I've got a PhD. I'm not fat. I have been grey rock-ing my family for a decade, DH has been very supportive. I should have done it sooner, but you only know what you know. Since I left home at age 16 I have never taken a penny from them.

When my first DC went to Uni my parents invited them to stay, they paid off student finance and paid them a lot of money to live through University. They told my next DC and the same happened for them and so on. The price? Our DCs aren't speaking to us, they won't have anything to do with us.

DH is upset, but takes the attitude that we have done all we can and that he can wait it out, that our DCs will come round.

Me? I'm devastated. In particular, one of my DCs has said some hateful things to me. That'll be my parent's influence.

I'd always had such close relationships with my DCs, I know this sounds over dramatic, I feel bereaved, eviscerated.

Additionally, I'm peri. I cannot stop crying. I cry in stupid places: the car, work, supermarket, night out, night in, anywhere.

DH is right, that I need to find a way to move on, I don't know how. DH doesn't have any family either, it's just the two of us. After 30 years bringing up children I hate my career and I no longer have any family. My life is pointless.

I know that there are plenty worse off than me.

If you're going to say that I'm a poor little rich girl please don't comment, I am broken.

Do you need your children to believe that your childhood was so bad? Do you need them to share your animosity for your parents? Do you feel that them loving "your enemy' is a repudiation of your childhood history?

Can you not give them permission to love both you and your parents? Are they being forced to make some kind of choice?

I tend to agree with your DH in that they will come around. All you can do is be consistent with them. Let them know you love them and there is an open door for them. Tell them that you are pleased they have a good relationship with your parents as it wasn't something that you were able to have - but your experience of them as a parent was very different and you have to have your space from them. Just be constantly open and loving to them, they will return.

@Mari9999 I'm writing this while making coffee at work.
My answers will be brief.

They think I am dirt because slowly, carefully, in a way so subtle that you would never know, my parents have made them believe that I/we are dirt.

As I said last night, you surely know how abusers operate?

We can't spoil the DCs the way my parents can.

@Mari9999 no, they knew it was bad, I didn't give them details. Our DCs can make their own minds up about my parents. No, they are allowed, in fact encouraged, to love my parents. That's not the issue.

We have, they have always visited my parents, which is why my grey-rock action on happened recently. Not by me, though my parents will be paying them to choose.

@chemicalworld in the meantime I have no family. What do I do with myself? How do I live with only DH and I to love each other.

OP, I am sorry for your pain. I have no concept or understanding of what you mean when you say that your children think that you are dirt. Do they think that you are dishonest, uncaring, lie, treat others poorly?

It seems as though the relationship with the grandparents is not new.

Your situation is probably more nuanced than is coming across in the posting.

Hopefully with time , you will all find a way to relate and end up in a better place.

Op this will be devastating.
Already a survivor of abuse you are now going through this.

I would suggest family counselling and personal counselling. You need support and a lot of it.

It sounds like your self esteem is in shreds from the years of neglect and this has impacted all of your relationships.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You are probably more than aware that your children should never have had any contact with your abusers, much less so much money and power over them.

Were your broken bones recorded and xrayed? If so, I would send them a letter with copies of your broken bones, why hide the truth and explain your devastation at losing them to the people that abused you throughout your childhood, how much you love them and will always be here for them. And send it recorded delivery to every child and then step back.

Dh should book a holiday, sit in the sun, plan for better days. You can get through this.

You don’t sit back and let your children make up their own minds, no, you are giving your abusers the chance to rewrite history, they are adults tell them the whole truth, all of it. They need to know in order to keep themselves safe and to understand how they might be being manipulated.

Explain why you didn’t tell them before - they were young etc but now they need to know the full story.

Don’t hold back.

The dc probably think you are unkind and unreasonable because they have no idea how bad things were.

I think all you can do is give it time. Encouraging your DC to have a relationship with them has maybe given them the wrong impression, that the abuse was not as bad as you say. Did you tell your DC that bones were broken ? - that's extreme.
It is going to be surprising that you maintained a GP relationship between them growing up rather than cut them out of your life. To people who have not suffered abuse, it's hard to get and it's lead to where you are now unfortunately.
Grey rock seems like an under-reaction given the level of abuse, no contact at all would of prevented any influence.
All you can do now is wait it out and perhaps go no contact finally with the rest of your family now, while keeping the door open for your DC's, otherwise it looks like you are endorcing it. Meanwhile fill your life with hobbies and friends, a spouse can't be all you have in life as that's not realistic for happiness.

Can you go to the Dr's and get help with your perimenopause symptoms?

OP, your issue is the relationship with your children .That should be your focus. You won't get your children back by by making your parents the focal point.

Your children have spent 18-20 years knowing you. That 28-20 years should be your focal point. Your discussion should center around what the 4 of you experienced during your time together. How and what in those years have lead to this point?

By focusing on your parents , the message is that your parents are so awful , that by loving and accepting gifts from them that you sons are being disloyal to you.

The ultimate question becomes do you want to repair the relationship with your sons more than you wish to prove to them what awful people your parents are?

As impossible as it may seem, it could very well be the distance between you and your sons has nothing to do with the relationship that they have with your parents. It might also be possible on some level that it hurts you to see them seemingly having the relationship that was not offered and provided for you as a child.

If that abused and neglected child dominates your current interactions with your son, then that loving , confident, and well educated women is not the one trying to identify and resolve the issues. That child may end up winning, but at what cost to the relationship that you have with your children?

The abuse is a major factor though. Yes of course focusing on the good times and years is helpful, but the crucial piece of information your children need is the truth.

Have you ever spoken to your DC about your upbringing? Honestly, in detail?

Your children are at risk being in contact with your parents but as adults obviously it's their decision.

My suggestion would be to try to meet up somewhere neutral and tell them everything, calmly and factually - including the broken bones, the police intervention - and say that you wanted them to have the whole truth and that what they choose to do with that information is their own choice as adults.

Then just wait. It might take months, even years, but they will come back to you.

I'm going to be honest with you @Mari9999, it comes across as you having no concept or understanding of anything that I have posted here. As I have said; being abused by your parents is not the same as being abused by a partner, I know this because I have experienced both.

I wrote that 'I am dirt'. Whoever else does and doesn't believe that? I cannot speak for anyone else, only myself.

@Blizzard23 our DCs had minimal contact with my parents when they were younger, Christmas and Birthdays only and no overnights. I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents and I always thought that it was important that my DCs should know their family. Now they are adults and free to make their own minds up.

DH, who obviously is DH2 and I have been together for decades. He has seen the way my parents have treated me, they've rarely hit me since I became an adult, never when DH was around.

Currently I could never persuade my DCs to family counselling and I'm not interested in anything my parents have to say.

Mainly my bones were x-rayed, yes and it's all in my notes. As I have got older some of the previous breaks have come back to hurt me, in the form of aches and pains.

Being faced with the injuries that they imposed on me? I know exactly what they would say 'you needed tough love'. As DH says; unfortunately they forgot the love but.

@Blizzard23 it could be worth explaining to my DCs how bad it was. Though as this thread is demonstrating; getting people to really understand - I mean really understand - is very difficult.

@Opentooffers yes, my DC knew that bones were broken.

As for friends and hobbies? That's tricky right now. We moved to a large house on a small newer estate, one of those naice estates that isn't quite anywhere, when the DCs were at Secondary, for many reasons including: space for all of them, better schools, distance to their friends and amenities.

In the meantime DH and I were both working hard to support the DCs, the rest of the time both of us were running around after the DCs, organising their hobbies, lifts, helping with exams, UCAS, Saturday jobs. Lots of driving.

DH and I have never really settled here. We don't have hobbies outside of the house and we didn't make friends here.

Now our house is for sale, we aren't downsizing necessarily, we are moving further into the countryside. Where we can find the peace we have long needed.

Okay - this is what I would do (as someone with a similar background to you, so I absolutely get it) and yes it’s much worse than domestic violence because you are tiny and defenceless when it starts and there is no getting away from it, and orchestrated by the two people that are supposed to love and protect you. As it happens during development sometimes it is irreversibly damaging, that’s not to say many things can’t be significantly improved - it’s a tough road.

Call the practice manager and ask to be sent your medicaL notes in their entirety and photocopy and highlight the abuse with a covering letter to your dc.

Whilst you wait for your children to see the light, please go into counselling yourself. You can find agencies that offer a reduced fee. You need a good therapist to help you unpick your suffering and childhood from start to finish. Go on holiday, spend time with friends, paint your house, travel and do whatever you can to make the most of your life.

I suspect you have been too soft with your dc, many of us make similar mistakes trying to avoid harm and they haven’t learnt to respect you and dh. Boundaries etc.

Can dh speak to them?

@Opentooffers maybe grey rock isn't enough, our plan is to cut them out completely now.

For anyone who hasn't done it, being completely NC with your whole family is more difficult than you might imagine.

@chemicalworld sorry, you have mentioned it a few times and I haven't responded: I'm already on HRT.

I second that, but you had so much/too much to lose staying in touch however LC. Yes it is heartbreaking cutting people out of your life, but it’s far better than this outcome.

You were never going to able to control the narrative or your children once they were old enough to be directly in contact with your abusive parents.

Your parents should not have been trusted to be anywhere near your dc. Poisonous toxic people don’t stop just because they are gp.

Not all is lost, you can still take Acton. Tell the truth, show the dc the evidence. You have nothing to lose by trying op

Action

How old are your DC. They seem
the younger side of 25? If so, I think they will come round. We’re still adolescent to nearer 30 really

Ah OP, what an awful situation to be in. I think people are naturally trying to give you solutions but in truth, you're grieving the emotional loss of your DC plus dealing with the massive injustice of having lies told about you. That's beyond painful and I doubt very few people would be able to understand the scale of that.

In the absence of any communication with your children, perhaps all you can do is go to counselling yourself, process your horrific childhood and see if you can get coping strategies for what you're going through right now.

I am a firm believer in the idea that sooner or later, bad, manipulative people will overplay their hand. Their real nastiness eventually comes out and all your children need to know is that when that happens, mum and dad will still be there for them. And in the meantime, you can help to deal with the horror you have been through.

I'm really sorry for what you're experiencing.

I would also keep writing to them, store all the letters somewhere safe.

What reasons have your dc given for not talking to you? Was there an argument or conflict? How did they tell you how they feel?