No family, how do I do this?

[NotQuiteDownton]

Trigger Warning

Whenever I see the title of the Stately Homes thread I smile to myself.

Growing up I didn't live in a Stately Home, though it was big and gorgeous, by anyone's standards.

However, my parents are champagne socialists. Dad worked, they sunk all of their money into that house. One summer I had a growth spurt and literally nothing to wear. We went to the local comp, where I was bullied mercilessly, until I got to year 10 and I started to be a rebel.

Meanwhile, my parents, both of them, used to beat me black and blue. They broke bones too many times. They called me 'stupid, ugly and fat' and many other things. It wasn't a picnic for my siblings, but I undoubtedly was the scapegoat, I copped the worst of everything.

But this was the 80s, Childline was starting up as I became an adult. Our local hospital told the Police, but nice middle class people with big houses and good local connections were a law unto themselves.

Eventually my Dad retired, his pension is huge.

My DCs are adults now, I brought them up well, loved them as much as any parent could, I never hit them or called them names. They didn't live in a huge house, but they always had enough.

I've got a PhD. I'm not fat. I have been grey rock-ing my family for a decade, DH has been very supportive. I should have done it sooner, but you only know what you know. Since I left home at age 16 I have never taken a penny from them.

When my first DC went to Uni my parents invited them to stay, they paid off student finance and paid them a lot of money to live through University. They told my next DC and the same happened for them and so on. The price? Our DCs aren't speaking to us, they won't have anything to do with us.

DH is upset, but takes the attitude that we have done all we can and that he can wait it out, that our DCs will come round.

Me? I'm devastated. In particular, one of my DCs has said some hateful things to me. That'll be my parent's influence.

I'd always had such close relationships with my DCs, I know this sounds over dramatic, I feel bereaved, eviscerated.

Additionally, I'm peri. I cannot stop crying. I cry in stupid places: the car, work, supermarket, night out, night in, anywhere.

DH is right, that I need to find a way to move on, I don't know how. DH doesn't have any family either, it's just the two of us. After 30 years bringing up children I hate my career and I no longer have any family. My life is pointless.

I know that there are plenty worse off than me.

If you're going to say that I'm a poor little rich girl please don't comment, I am broken.

My parents are in their 70s, someone upthread suggested that they would be 'frail'.

If there's one thing my parents are not, it's frail.

This sounds horrific, not only are your children getting older and that in itself is emotional. But then for them to limit or go no contact I would be devastated. My children are all I’ve ever wanted and this is one of my biggest fears.

You have every right to be upset, your feel like your parents are poisoning your children against you. It’s another form of bullying, bring up all the emotions from your childhood.

I’m sure you have tried it but some regular counselling would be useful. I was also recommended a few books on healing your inner child. With childhood trauma it never leaves us and although we feel fine we need to work on that inner child to truly heal.

Right now I don’t think there is much you can do, keep your head straight and support your DC as much as possible. Take the high ground as much as possible.

Im sorry this is happening to you!

This is heartbreaking.

Your parents are a lost cause, that is clear, you should try your absolute best to stay NC to limit any further pain and suffering they can inflict on you.

But your children being NC is obviously extremely painful and something you would want to change if you could.

You said earlier "I found the suggestion upthread that I should send a copy of my injuries to my DCs utterly ridiculous, even now I would not do that. They know enough, a smattering. They don't need to know more about it. I cannot imagine how revolted they would feel."

I would contend that they clearly do not know enough. A smattering is obviously way insufficient to impress upon them the unbelievable level of harm your parents inflicted on you, and if you did it is likely that at least one of them might reconsider whatever poison your parents have been feeding them and try to get in touch again.

You decision to protect them from the grevions level of harm you suffered by only giving them a smattering of information, has, unfortunately been used against you. This is evil. But you can't control your parents. You can only give your children the information that might help them grasp what your grandparents were actually like.

If they knew how horribly nasty and violent and abusive your parents were to you as a child, in more detail, this might help convince at least one of them that there is a problem with going NC with you on the basis of what your parents are saying to them. I think that protecting them from this information is no longer in their interests as not having contact with their own parents will also bring about long term emotional pain.

It may be a while off, but also, if one of them has children then they might be more open to hear about how their grandparents treated defenceless children in the past and more open to listen and not take what you say about it lightly.

Did you read the link I provided? Do you see the similarities?

Could you obtain all your medical records and go to the police?

I'm so sorry @NotQuiteDownton to read some pp who think you must in some way be at fault for your children treating you so badly.

I can see how your abusive parents have decided to punish you by turning your children against you. It can be hard to believe from the outside - not least because none of us want to imagine that our children could be turned against us so cruelly and unfairly.

But I have recently seen a relative turn her grown up children against her ex husband. These are intelligent, profesional adults who have always had a great relationship with their dad. Then, in their mid 20s, their mum started dripping lies about him, and for some reason it's started to stick.

All sorts of easily-disprovable things she's said, they have accepted. And they won't discuss it with anyone who is close to him. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it happen.

I'm so sorry. I think they will come around one day. In the meantime, look after you, cherish your DH, plan fun things, look after your health, and leave the door open for your children when they come home.

Yes I read the link @PousseyNotMoira, I can see the similarities, but there is one big difference and I'm sorry, but I don't feel like I can explain it to you on this thread.
Our DCs deserve their privacy, or right to reply (on this thread), even if they wouldn't extend the same courtesy to us in similar circumstances.

Thank you to the people saying kind things, I'm rolling around the idea of counselling.

Set aside the events on this thread for a moment. Since I was 18 I have hated bank holidays.
It got worse as our DCs were born. All of our friends with children would go away to see their parents for the bank holidays, or I would be driven mad by the smell of barbecues, because they went along with laughter, happiness as families got together.

Don't misunderstand me, I have never felt resentment towards happy families and I have never reconsidered my decision to go NC with my parents, but it was a constant reminder that I have never had anything like that.

I have never had a 'normal' family. If you have, it is very difficult to understand what it is like if your parents treat you like a punchbag.

Aside from the bones and the bruising, It hurts, it has always hurt to my core.

@perfectcolourfound it's shocking, isn't it? Parental alienation happens all the time, though usually in the midst of divorce.

@Frith2013 I could go to the Police, yes. It's something that I think about sometimes. The problem, given the situation now, is that it would make me seem like the aggressor. When I think about it I wonder whether it would alienate our DCs further.