No family, how do I do this?

[NotQuiteDownton]

Trigger Warning

Whenever I see the title of the Stately Homes thread I smile to myself.

Growing up I didn't live in a Stately Home, though it was big and gorgeous, by anyone's standards.

However, my parents are champagne socialists. Dad worked, they sunk all of their money into that house. One summer I had a growth spurt and literally nothing to wear. We went to the local comp, where I was bullied mercilessly, until I got to year 10 and I started to be a rebel.

Meanwhile, my parents, both of them, used to beat me black and blue. They broke bones too many times. They called me 'stupid, ugly and fat' and many other things. It wasn't a picnic for my siblings, but I undoubtedly was the scapegoat, I copped the worst of everything.

But this was the 80s, Childline was starting up as I became an adult. Our local hospital told the Police, but nice middle class people with big houses and good local connections were a law unto themselves.

Eventually my Dad retired, his pension is huge.

My DCs are adults now, I brought them up well, loved them as much as any parent could, I never hit them or called them names. They didn't live in a huge house, but they always had enough.

I've got a PhD. I'm not fat. I have been grey rock-ing my family for a decade, DH has been very supportive. I should have done it sooner, but you only know what you know. Since I left home at age 16 I have never taken a penny from them.

When my first DC went to Uni my parents invited them to stay, they paid off student finance and paid them a lot of money to live through University. They told my next DC and the same happened for them and so on. The price? Our DCs aren't speaking to us, they won't have anything to do with us.

DH is upset, but takes the attitude that we have done all we can and that he can wait it out, that our DCs will come round.

Me? I'm devastated. In particular, one of my DCs has said some hateful things to me. That'll be my parent's influence.

I'd always had such close relationships with my DCs, I know this sounds over dramatic, I feel bereaved, eviscerated.

Additionally, I'm peri. I cannot stop crying. I cry in stupid places: the car, work, supermarket, night out, night in, anywhere.

DH is right, that I need to find a way to move on, I don't know how. DH doesn't have any family either, it's just the two of us. After 30 years bringing up children I hate my career and I no longer have any family. My life is pointless.

I know that there are plenty worse off than me.

If you're going to say that I'm a poor little rich girl please don't comment, I am broken.

You do have your husband and you love each other, that's really positive. Hold onto that... And your children are grown up, loved and indulged by their grandparents, financially secure and probably advised wisely about job applications and life in general, and each child has that in common with their siblings. So the kids are really fine...
The awful feelings of isolation and rejection sound overwhelming, but I think a counsellor would have a lot of positives here to work with, and help you accept a difficult situation in the short term while guiding you as to how to let the kids gently know you don't hold these misconceptions against them and the door is always open for future contact. In the meantime, look at early retirement for you and your husband, go travelling in a camper van or volunteer abroad... While the kids don't seem to need you, make the most of the opportunities you may find. It won't make much difference to anyone else if you respond to this situation in a way that brings you happiness or despair, but you deserve to be happy xx

I'm imagining that the majority of people on this thread are closer to our DC's age than mine. I appreciate that, I sincerely believe that wisdom does not necessarily accompany age

However, the 80s were a different land. Look at the way the women killed by Peter Sutcliffe were treated (although admittedly he was arrested in 1981).

It wasn't so long ago, yet being gay was largely hidden (with good reason).

Comedians still made openly racist jokes.

Before Uni I remember starting a job, only to find that the men had pages from sex mags taped to their walls at their desks, I don't mean anything subtle or arty, I mean proper, legs akimbo grot.
It was absolutely acceptable in the office.

In the mid-80s, following a serious and obvious beating from my Mum I ran to the local Police Station. I was 12.
They told me that I must have been a naughty girl and to go home.
Instead I walked to the hospital, they kept me in for a few more nights. No-one took it further, there was no social worker called, nothing.

We had.told my DCs some of the sketchy details of what happened, but I didn't want them to know the terrible details, I didn't want them to know how things were.

In my 20s I thought it was normal, that everyone had the same experience as me.

In my 30s there was a slow realisation that no, it wasn't normal.

In my 40s I became angry.

And now here we are.

My parents didn't have contact details for my DCs, they found them on Facebook and went from there. I knew nothing about it until things were already moving.

Even if my DCs had never met my parents they would still have got in touch.

In a way I don't blame my DCs, who wouldn't want to get a good degree and be free of debt? Be able to afford their first home? I understand the appeal.

With the money would have come sage advice and a slow, subtle rewriting of history. That drip, drip in their ear, subtle but persistent. Had we known sooner I could have headed it off at the pass, I would have sat them down and told them how it really was.

By the time I had an inkling it was too late.

@Darhon they are all mid to late 20s.

That's good advice @pointlesssocket, thank you.

I have emailed them all @Blizzard23, carefully. Only one responded, they called me, shouting, telling me what a shit Mum I am and how evil I am for saying bad things about my parents. I felt eviscerated by it. After that I decided that, having received my emails, it was better off left, I am too raw to experience more hurt,

Are you my DH @MacarenaMacarena?  We have just purchased a place in a European country, it's going to be our holiday place and we are very excited.
I think DH bought it with sanctuary in mind.
That's also our mindset for the new house, somewhere we can enjoy our lives, with a view.
DH also bought two puppies, which is exactly the thing to do when you are trying to sell your house . Still, I love them very much.

@Mari9999 I do find it interesting that you think we have two children and they

@Mari9999 ...and that they are boys.

OP, I doubt that my confusion about the gender identification of your children be it he she or them they changes my thoughts and unless you are now suggesting that the issues stem not from your parents treatment of you but instead is somehow tied to gender identification issues. I remember your referencing 2 child going to University.

I am not trying to argue with you ,and certainly you know both the gender and number of children that you have. And it seems that you know with absolute certainty that your parents have created the estrangement with your children.

It just seemed to me curious that your children would tell you that you are dirt without elaborating or telling you why they feel that way. I would think that particular conversation would have given you some additional insight into the cause of the estrangement from their perspective.

I know no more about you situation than can be gathered from the snippets and snap shots that you have provided, but I know that being alienated from your children for whatever reason has to be extremely painful. It is obvious that you are hurting and for that I am sorry.

I’m in my 20s and had abusive parents. My childhood was horrible. I agree that no one externally really takes it seriously, they think it didn’t happen to the extent it did, and if it did, you should forgive family. It really is different to abuse from a partner as it shapes your childhood and your persona. Eg I can naturally be defensive as I get into fight v flight mode and I struggle to bond with people at times.

I think DV can be stigmatised as it’s the victim’s fault for staying or for choosing that person as people think about it from a dating perspective, but the reality is kids can’t choose or easily leave their parents so you’re completely trapped in that situation at a formative age.

anyway, I think you just have to leave your kids to it. There is no stereotypical appearance for an abusive parent. Your children only get to see the vulnerable/elderly/incapable side of your parents and all the financial benefits. They won’t ever witness them in their prime when they were abusing you. It will be hard for your children to conceive their grandparents are capable of abusing kids. in time, cracks may show. It’s probably for the best for you to distance yourself and maybe seek counselling. At least you know your children aren’t struggling so leave them to their decision

I do agree that it’s OTT for all your kids to cut you off and say those specific things to you. Maybe they think they went without during their childhood, whether that’s a relationship with their grandparents or materialism. Do they stay in touch with your husband? Do they have this anger towards him?

It comes across that the relationship between your kids may have been tenuous before they got close to your parents. Otherwise it’s quite shocking that your parents managed to alienate an otherwise strong bond. It almost comes across as tactical, to give you a taste of your own medicine almost as you distanced yourself from your own parents. I don’t think it’s worth trying to air out grievances now. Unfortunately it might be years until they come around to a more levelheaded perspective and you need to focus on healing and rebuilding your life.

When my first DC went to Uni my parents invited them to stay, they paid off student finance and paid them a lot of money to live through University. They told my next DC and the same happened for them and so on. The price? Our DCs aren't speaking to us, they won't have anything to do with us.
You weren't paying for uni for your kids?

I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine what that must be like. I think I am peri too, the uncomfortable crying is terrible.
I don’t know if there is a family friend that can talk to your kids, maybe show them your childhood medical records. I grew up in the 80s and child abuse was only something that happened to poor children. I knew a boy who often told others kids and the teachers that his mum whipped him with the toaster cord and nothing was done.
Your parents are evil, do you think it’s just a money thing? It sounds like they are probably just holding it over the kids heads. I don’t have any suggestions other than talking to someone about it. Try to make the best of life and hope one day the mask slips and your children realise they are just part of a plan to torment you. When your kids get older they will be more inclined to look back and see things for what there were. Especially if they have families of their own. Once the money runs out and your parents require care there won’t be a shiny objects to temp them with the hold will lessen.
Please find a psychologist you can talk to about this, even if the kids make contact again it will be difficult to get past.

Can't reply at length, but I laughed at 'frail' my Dad has always looked liked Bryan Ferry and, if anything, looks better than Bryan Ferry himself now. Mum is Julie Walters-esq.

They are hale, hearty, well dressed, good haircuts. Dad wears a watch, very expensive, understated, Mum wears little jewellery; wedding ring, engagement ring (upgraded from the original 25 years ago) and one other thing, a necklace she commissioned or similar.

Lightly tanned from frequent travel.

Annual, full private medicals, including all scans and tests. They remain solidly fine looking, in the way that the Boomer middle classes tend to.

They remain intelligent, well read, both the latest literature and political thinking. Treat waiting staff respectfully. Resolute in their opinions, always polite and discreet.

You'd like them, assuming you didn't know them as parents.

And there's the rub.
My parents have friends, but in their small community, the one that I was brought up in, some people do know about my siblings and I, and the way we were raised. Those people have no time for my parents. They are the people who sometimes mention me in their Facebook posts. Those people keep in touch, they send us Christmas cards, occasionally we are invited to a wedding reception or similar.

But frail? Absolutely not.

How is that relevant?

In what way do your previously loving and cared for kids now consider you to be crap? If they've stopped contact with you have they given reasons for this? I had a materially very ordinary childhood, second hand clothes etc. I can't imagine how that could make me now nc with my loving parents.

How old are you children op and how long have they been no contact with you?

so to summarise, you had a very close loving relationship with both your children, they had a good childhood and you had a strong bond until they reached adult hood.

when they reached adult age they started to get to know your parents, your children now want nothing to do with you and won’t speak to you . You assume or know this is because your parents dripped enough poison into your adult children’s ears they ended their loving relationship and bond with both their parents.

there must have been some lead up to this, some discussions. You said one said some hurtful stuff about you,what did he say? And as said, how long has this been going on, how old are they now. And do you try to reach out to them, what happens when you do?

Honestly, all you cam do now is cut off your parents, and leave your adult children alone. Rebuild your life as best you can. Private counselling might be therapeutic. Give it time, they're realise and want to reconnect.

I've often thought that if you were a psychopath the easiest and safest way to get your kicks is to ruin your children's lives - by physical or emotional abuse. It was even easier to do this years ago when OP was young because it was legal and accepted by many that parents could hit children. So very little chance of social disapproval or arrest or anything.

Even on this thread, people are desperate to not believe the facts that the OP has stated. So many people thinking well there must have been something the OP did wrong, things can't be as she said. Why not? We all know there are people out there who inflict enormous abuse on their wives. Why not their children?

Op, I would reach out to your children by letter or email and say that you would love to see them, the door is always open, you love them very much. Don't engage with defending yourself or asking why they have cut you off. Just tell them you love them and they know where you and your dh are. your DH should do the same.

Then focus on your own lives. Try to bring as much joy as you can into them. You have a husband you love - that is a huge boon.

I can't imagine this will end well for your children and your parents. They have been enjoying watching your estrangement from your kids. That will get boring for them after a while. I strongly suspect their next move will be to pit your children one against the other. Just a guess.

I am so sorry to read this. It really must be devastating. I am not sure what to say except don't give up hope. Your children must be decent humans and surely will they come round though I appreciate that is no consolation right now.

Op

I agree with blizzard. Get proper documentation of your injuries from the hospital and send it to all of your children. It might not enter their consciousness now, but it will eventually.

@Pallisers thank you for understanding it. Your post has made me cry.

To all of you saying:
It can't be that simple.
You must have done something wrong.
Are you sure that you were good parents?

That is what children abused by their parents face every.single.day.

It doesn't matter whether the abuse is happening now, or it happened 40 years ago.
Not being believable is the insult to the injury.

Those of you asking personal details:
How old are your DCs?
How many DCs have you got?
Which part of the country do you live in? Or whatever. Stuff off. I intentionally posted on an anonymous forum because I wanted to be...anonymous.

I'm hurt enough, I don't need anyone else to put the boot in.

If you have read my posts and you still don't believe me what do you possibly imagine that I could write that would make you believe me?
Maybe you would like some in-depth information about my injuries? My experiences? Some blood and guts and bile, would that be enough? Or would you capitalise on that too, and use it against me?

I'm unprepared to give myself away just for your gratification.

The only thing I can tell you is that you would be amazed what serious money can buy you. Including people.

Ahh OP do you feel a bit got at and misunderstood🌷. I see a couple of dubious posts but I sense most posters genuinely want to understand your situation. I completely understand the injustice and hurt that you carry and the fact your kids are betraying you when they side with your parents. This understandable bitterness about the situation may spill over into your life and you may come across as fed up and resentful as you anticipate others will invalidate you. Don't give up on humanity. There's a lot of good decent people around still.

Hi OP, I couldn't not reply to your thread I am so sorry for all of the shit you have suffered in your life. I dont know if you will like my advice though! I would back off, I wouldn't contact my children again. I would dedicate my life to healing myself. I'm so glad to read about your holiday home I hope it brings you and your DH joy. The thing is, your children or at least one of, will more than likely become a scapegoat if you take yourself out of the picture. Your parents will reveal themselves eventually. When your children both meet partners, they will more than likely cotton on. I think as hard as it is you need to protect yourself, create a peaceful life with your DH. Good luck.

I was just going to type the same, let your dc know you love them and will always be there for them, and the. Distance yourself. Be there if they genuinely need you, but be careful, if you go nc with your parents they will likely use your dc as flaying monkeys. So respond only if they need you, but don't get involved in the drama

In depth information is needed about your relationship with children, not your childhood abuse. Everybody believes you. It's just that you have more than two children and all are of the same mind and extremely angry at you. Something is missing from the picture. Abused person can have a hard time being a stable and successful parent, they can experience depression, triggering, lack of inner resources. Could be that your kids childhood wasn't perfect . It's not your fault, but you need to be open and hear them out. This thread has shown that you are in crisis and it's hard for you to focus on two-way conversation. My guess is they felt the lack of money in their childhood and their parents where both busy at work all day just to survive (lack of attention, felt neglected). And now they find out that all this time they could have had the help of these rich, intelligent and charming grandparents. Only person who was standing in the way was their mother and her hate from the past. Admiting that you understand their point of view can go a long way. After them letting ir all out, there could be space for you to explain your side.

I agree. The abuse sounds horrific and nobody doubts it happened.

But the explanation of how your own kids became estranged to the point of no contact with you is non forthcoming.

Did you post about this before? Your parents let your daughter have a horse at theirs?