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Original poster

Has anyone forgiven cheating & relationship has worked out?

118 replies

BH701 · 24/04/2023 11:58

HI

I've posted before about my partner cheating previously - drunken one night stand, swears it was a mistake.

But I wanted to ask if anyone has forgiven a partner who's cheated and whether the relationship has worked? Can you rebuild trust & how do you even go about doing that?

OP posts:
ScorpioTwinkle1 · 24/04/2023 23:21

To be honest, for me I don't think so. I always think when they can do it once and you forgive, they will do it again as it shows them you don't respect yourself enough. Depends if kids are involved and also how you feel.

Smooshface · 25/04/2023 04:25

I think it would be possible with that situation of they take steps to make sure it would never happen again and they are truly remorseful.

AmyandPhilipfan · 25/04/2023 05:16

My cousin forgave her husband. And it wasn't a one off thing either but a full blown affair. She was furious and it seemed like they would split but then they decided to make a go of it and they went on to have another child. Affair was over a decade ago now and as far as I know they are still happy together. Personally I could never trust him again and I would have finished it as soon as I'd found out about the affair.

letthatmango · 25/04/2023 06:36

I hate the word forgiven, it’s a personal thing but I have not forgiven, some things are not forgivable imo, we don’t discuss it in these terms. But accepted that it happened and moved past it - yes. We’re a good few years out now, happy and settled.

Trust CAN be rebuilt but it takes time. It’s about consistent ‘safe’ acts, it’s about a remorseful partner who understands the trauma they have put you through and mitigates triggers by positive actions. It’s about your emotional, mental and sexual safety being put first. It is about them being honest about their reasons for the affair (not just excuses but deep rooted behaviours) and blame not being apportioned to the betrayed. It’s about them looking at their behaviours, how they would react differently in future if the opportunity arose.

Without going into details my husband made some pretty major lifestyle changes to get the chance to make it work with me and has upheld those to this day.

I don’t know the background of the infidelity in your life but tbh in the past I always walked when there were no dependent ties but my situation changed when I married and had children and my family dynamic is hugely important to me, so I stayed, and I’m bloody glad I did.

booksandbrews · 25/04/2023 06:46

I’ve just finished reading Tiny Beautiful Things, the collection of Dear Sugar essays by Cheryl Strayed (who I love) and I thought this article about forgiveness after infidelity was really interesting.

Dear Sugar…

DEAR SUGAR, The Rumpus Advice Column #81: A Bit Of Sully In Your Sweet - The Rumpus.net

https://therumpus.net/2011/08/12/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-81-a-bit-of-sully-in-your-sweet/

Original poster
BH701 · 25/04/2023 09:28

letthatmango · 25/04/2023 06:36

I hate the word forgiven, it’s a personal thing but I have not forgiven, some things are not forgivable imo, we don’t discuss it in these terms. But accepted that it happened and moved past it - yes. We’re a good few years out now, happy and settled.

Trust CAN be rebuilt but it takes time. It’s about consistent ‘safe’ acts, it’s about a remorseful partner who understands the trauma they have put you through and mitigates triggers by positive actions. It’s about your emotional, mental and sexual safety being put first. It is about them being honest about their reasons for the affair (not just excuses but deep rooted behaviours) and blame not being apportioned to the betrayed. It’s about them looking at their behaviours, how they would react differently in future if the opportunity arose.

Without going into details my husband made some pretty major lifestyle changes to get the chance to make it work with me and has upheld those to this day.

I don’t know the background of the infidelity in your life but tbh in the past I always walked when there were no dependent ties but my situation changed when I married and had children and my family dynamic is hugely important to me, so I stayed, and I’m bloody glad I did.

Thank you for your replies.

We do have a little girl, and shes just 1. I suffered after having her with depression so my partner did his best to support, but things got quite bad. He went out and got completely drunk, one night stand.

I struggle with trust and I'm really insecure - especially now. And I always said I would walk if it happened, but children do change things and I want to get past it. I am struggling though.

Can you give any examples of safe acts? I dont' know how to start rebuilding trust, the issue will be if he wants to go out and drink again - it's not a regular thing at all, but next time it happens I'm not sure how I will cope xx

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 25/04/2023 09:29

booksandbrews · 25/04/2023 06:46

I’ve just finished reading Tiny Beautiful Things, the collection of Dear Sugar essays by Cheryl Strayed (who I love) and I thought this article about forgiveness after infidelity was really interesting.

Dear Sugar…

Great thank you, I'll give this a read!

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 25/04/2023 09:29

ScorpioTwinkle1 · 24/04/2023 23:21

To be honest, for me I don't think so. I always think when they can do it once and you forgive, they will do it again as it shows them you don't respect yourself enough. Depends if kids are involved and also how you feel.

Yes I have the same fear, shows them you'll put up with anything

OP posts:
ScorpioTwinkle1 · 25/04/2023 09:41

You mentioned above, you have a little girl. My brother did similiar to his partner when the baby was born. They worked on things and now everything is strong in the relationship. Give yourself some time to process your feelings. If he is good on all aspects and did only this one time as a mistake, then maybe slowly see how you go on. But he needs to show you that he is remorseful. Not just say, but show with actions.

LadyJ2023 · 25/04/2023 09:52

Not me no way once my trust in a person I love once broken always broken regarding cheating. If even a one night stand drunk or not they can forget all about the other half to do it they would be out my life because i meant so little.I respect and love myself more.

Throwncrumbs · 25/04/2023 10:03

You can forgive but you can’t forget

Dhallow · 25/04/2023 10:14

Not me but my cousin.

He was an absolute asshole to his partner when they were in their 20s and had 2 young kids. Cheating, alcohol and drug abuse and abusive behaviour.

She was a doormat to be honest and she now really regrets how much she put up with and not removing her and the kids from him.

In their early 30s she gave him an ultimatum and he stopped drinking and stopped using drugs and became a much better person and committed himself to being a good partner and Dad. They had another baby in their late 30s and they're both turning 50 this year and have a lovely life and are like teenage lovebirds.

This is literally the only example I know though. Every other relationship I know, it just got worse.

Introvertedbuthappy · 25/04/2023 10:24

This happened to a good friend of mine, similar thing - one night stand. However, her husband then gave up drinking, was mortified and still won't drink, even though it happened about a decade ago. He worked really hard on rebuilding trust with positive actions and they're really strong now. She says she's not forgiven him though, they have moved past it but she will never forget it.

Original poster
BH701 · 25/04/2023 10:50

Introvertedbuthappy · 25/04/2023 10:24

This happened to a good friend of mine, similar thing - one night stand. However, her husband then gave up drinking, was mortified and still won't drink, even though it happened about a decade ago. He worked really hard on rebuilding trust with positive actions and they're really strong now. She says she's not forgiven him though, they have moved past it but she will never forget it.

Yes I won't ever forget and it does change things forever. My partner says he'll never get into that state again - drinking so much that he has no idea what he's doing, he rarely drinks but won't give up altogether.

I just wonder if one day he does get that drunk again, then what will he do xx

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 25/04/2023 10:52

Dhallow · 25/04/2023 10:14

Not me but my cousin.

He was an absolute asshole to his partner when they were in their 20s and had 2 young kids. Cheating, alcohol and drug abuse and abusive behaviour.

She was a doormat to be honest and she now really regrets how much she put up with and not removing her and the kids from him.

In their early 30s she gave him an ultimatum and he stopped drinking and stopped using drugs and became a much better person and committed himself to being a good partner and Dad. They had another baby in their late 30s and they're both turning 50 this year and have a lovely life and are like teenage lovebirds.

This is literally the only example I know though. Every other relationship I know, it just got worse.

Thank you for sharing! I'm torn on whether to give it a chance or not

OP posts:
loveheartt · 25/04/2023 11:14

BH701 · 24/04/2023 11:58

HI

I've posted before about my partner cheating previously - drunken one night stand, swears it was a mistake.

But I wanted to ask if anyone has forgiven a partner who's cheated and whether the relationship has worked? Can you rebuild trust & how do you even go about doing that?

Omg absolutely not. Ever. He doesn't deserve you

BertyMyrtle · 25/04/2023 13:05

It’s always very easy for people to say that they would never take a cheating partner back, they have too much respect for themself, etc, etc, but until you are in that situation you will never know how you would respond.

Original poster
BH701 · 25/04/2023 14:07

BertyMyrtle · 25/04/2023 13:05

It’s always very easy for people to say that they would never take a cheating partner back, they have too much respect for themself, etc, etc, but until you are in that situation you will never know how you would respond.

Yes I mean, I always said I'd never take them back and now I'm here things are different, but then I'm worried I'll look back and think, what an idiot you thought he'd change

OP posts:
Stickortwister · 25/04/2023 14:19

I think its very easy to say you wouldnt forgive but when it actually happens you dont know how you will react.
Dh had a long affair when i was pregnant with our 4th child. Before it happened i would have 100 % said it would be over. I would have thought any woman who took someone back was a doormat and lacked self esteem. However life is strange sometimes and although i was angry and full of grief at the time ( and i think friends and family thought it was over too) , he showed genuine remorse. We made lots of changes to our life, had therapy individually, and managed to get through it. We were both taking each other and out marriage for granted and were complacent. He wanted excitement..... and now we both agree he acted like a complete dick.
So that was 10 years ago. We get on really well. We have fun together and seperately.
Can i guarantee he wont do it again? No. But that doesnt mean i spend my time worrying about it either..... life is too short.
Anyway good luck. Its a shitty thing to live through so no hasty decisions need to be made.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 25/04/2023 14:20

DW and i have both hurt each other in different ways (me emotional and her physical), over 2 separate periods.

We have been together since we were 17, and have done a huge amount of growing up over the intervening 25 years or so.

In both instances, the hurt one agreed to forgive/move on.

As PPs have said, this was dependent on complete honesty, marriage counselling (albeit short-lived), absolute transparency, and absolute commitment on both sides.

It's been extremely hard at times, and although I think we are both in a very good place now, I am under no illusion that DW may have decided to herself that once the DCs leave home, that she'll be off.

That is a risk I have been, and continue to be prepared to take.

Neither instance will ever be forgotten by either of us, but (I think) are good reminders of how fragile even special relationships can be, and how much constant work is required to make sure both parties are fulfilled and supported.

Snowjokes · 25/04/2023 14:26

I took him back. He took big, open, genuine steps to change himself and prove himself. Steps that he had to take, not me.

I’m glad I stayed. It was essentially for our child. It took a few years for our relationship to really get back on track. It’s not the same relationship we had before, but it’s a new and more mature one.

I think one of the hardest things about deciding to stay, is accepting that you’re not the person you thought you were. That you thought infidelity was an automatic deal breaker. It’s easy to say you’ll walk, but sometimes that’s not what life looks like in the end.

There’s no right or wrong answer here, every relationship and set of circumstances is different. But the work to be done is his - he needs to take the steps that make you feel safe.

Bigpinktrain · 25/04/2023 14:27

Yes I think people can make horrific mistakes and it not turn into a pattern that’s repeated. Can you trust again…that’s a different question.
If you decided to give it a go, it will take a good 12 months for things to be ‘normal’ and the person who cheated needs to make big changes, and commit to these, which often involves therapy, have you tried Relate?
I also think it’s imperative that the cheater tells close family members what they have done, not only does this provide you with some support, but also makes the cheating partner accountable for their actions.

I talk from experience, my marriage is a very happy one and I didn’t want it to end, but it’s not easy.

Bluebells1970 · 25/04/2023 14:31

I saw my Mum forgive my Dad time and time again. She was walked all over by him and for that reason alone, I wouldn't tolerate it.

It's not an accidental decision, it's a conscious act and done full well knowing that it's going to crucify someone.

I personally think that there are a lot of women with little confidence on MN that move hell and high water to stick with what they know rather than go it alone. What I remember about my own childhood is that my Mum grew into herself once she'd shaken off Dad's shadow... and that she was much more fun to be around. I missed him, of course, but life was actually better. For all of us.

BlastedPimples · 25/04/2023 14:42

I tried to forgive. It doesn't work. They'll do it again.

The first time, stbexh was very contrite, swore he'd made a horrible mistake, would go to therapy, would do anything.

Five years later, he did it again. Three more times actually.

I knew each time because he was utterly and totally horrible. A vile person provoking arguments and having the biggest rages.

Honestly, if you're going to carry on, I'd make your h move out for a bit whilst you have a good think. I wouldn't let him assume you will both carry on as normal.

Creepyrosemary · 25/04/2023 14:48

The beckhams seems to be doing well.