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Original poster

Has anyone forgiven cheating & relationship has worked out?

118 replies

BH701 · 24/04/2023 11:58

HI

I've posted before about my partner cheating previously - drunken one night stand, swears it was a mistake.

But I wanted to ask if anyone has forgiven a partner who's cheated and whether the relationship has worked? Can you rebuild trust & how do you even go about doing that?

OP posts:
msisfine · 25/04/2023 14:50

I'd like to think it could be rebuilt, but I don't personally know anyone who has succeeded. That doesn't mean it's not possible, of course.

Channellingsophistication · 25/04/2023 15:02

I think it depends how remorseful they are. If you feel he truly is and is devastated by how he has hurt you then maybe worth a try. But it seems he has done this quite easily if just getting drunk leads him to a one night stand… only you know OP whether forgivable.

cleanbreak2022 · 25/04/2023 19:57

I'll just give my two pence worth.

My ex cheated on me, like you a one night stand. He didn't confess. He mistakenly returned one of my missed calls (which I then missed) and left me a lengthy voicemail. I had to listen to it.

I moved on with him, I never forgave, and I never forgot. I was often triggered. Watching soaps, or stories of footballers etc. He swore he wouldn't do it again, couples Counselling the whole lot.

He left me in December 21 for another woman. By this point there were two children. One being a baby. He still didn't confess the OW and I found out about her later. He again swore it was only twice. My thoughts to that are, you don't cheat twice and get caught twice.

I never wanted to hear this when I was in your position. I thought I could do it. If I could give my younger self advice it would be to go. That if you go, I know it's scary and you don't know what the future holds, but he has just shown you exactly what your future looks like if you stay.

You will spend your time doing everything in your power to build a happy life, one that he wouldn't stray from again. You will have flash backs of this ons whilst your intimate with him.
You will endure this and you will never be completely sure of him again.

He may not stray again, but that doesn't matter, because you will never believe him anyway. In your mind, he will be with someone else every time he leaves the house for a night out with his friends. Every time he tells you he has a hangover, there will be a fleeting thought....'did you?' And you will never be sure, not because of you, but because he's planted that seed of doubt. That will take root. It's no life for the long term.

If I could make my choice again, I would have walked.

Of course this is your path to walk, and I am sure I may seem bitter, only two people know a romantic relationship and that's the two people in it. I just don't believe you ever move on from it.

letthatmango · 25/04/2023 20:16

@BH701 I think it’s important to realise what builds trust for you is different to me. My husband built trust by being consistent in his words and actions. He is aware enough of my triggers and trauma to almost preempt worries or concerns for me. And he owns what he did, utterly and completely no question.

FWIW true reconciliation takes time, it’s not a quick process - a one year and done - it’s a 2-5 year healing time that involves you slowly getting better. It’s no surprise you’re still struggling.

The biggest thing I had to navigate was feeling as though I ‘should’ as a strong independent woman, LTB, I took all the ‘low self esteem’ comments etc really badly. I don’t let it get to me now. If you knew me in real life I am so far removed from the common MN idea of a reconciled wife (as are the women here admitting to their happy reconciliation). I just prioritise different things, infidelity was not a deal breaker.

If my husband fails I’ve already forgiven myself. It’s been worth it, to hold my wonderful family together. I’ll hold onto that all the memories we’ve made, but I will tell him to go. I will not tolerate it again.

But… I don’t think cheats are good bets. They’re proven liars, proven betrayers, it has to be done safely. That’s why I always recommend reading around the subject, getting counselling etc. a starting point is ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’, affair recovery videos and surviving infidelity website.

Whatever choice you make the key is finding peace with it, and if it’s staying you both putting 100% into it.

Your path is not my path, it’s not the other posters paths, you’re view on infidelity is yours, your priorities in life are yours, the key is working all that out.

2ndMrsdeWinter · 25/04/2023 20:31

My OH has an affair and I stayed. The back story is hugely outing but what I will say is that it took three years of very hard work on his part to feel like I could trust him again. If I’m being honest, I won’t ever fully trust him, but then I know that what happened means I won’t wholeheartedly trust anyone again and I’ve had to make my peace with that.

I have reflected time and time again on why we managed to make it work after his infidelity and I put it down to the fact that we managed to keep it quiet. I told a few close friends who I knew I could trust to never breathe a word, but we kept it a secret from everyone else. No opinions, outside influence or gossip. That hugely helped me to focus on what it was that I wanted with no distractions.

I’m aware everyone’s path and reasons are different. Sending you lots of love, OP.

FlowersEverywherePlease · 25/04/2023 21:01

I couldn't.
My in-laws did. Years and years of therapy. They are both quite hard work to be honest.

Thepossibility · 25/04/2023 21:22

I wouldn't be able to forgive an affair, where he openly and willingly goes to her again and again. While being dishonest to me.
I probably would forgive in your case because he wasn't in his right mind from alcohol, no feelings were involved and it really was one time while he was impaired.
If he still insisted on drunken nights out I'd be gone though.

FranziskaSchmidt · 25/04/2023 21:48

I am currently going through this. My H and I are working on reconciliation after he had an affair. It was a lot more than a one night stand. Before it happened, I swore I would never accept any cheating, and he knew that so walked away intending to never return. I have done a lot of soul searching on this, and while the choice to cheat was very much his, I was very, very difficult to live with for many complex reasons and can own that he was using it as an exit affair, thinking I didn't want him any more.

It has taken him a long time to believe that I have made changes to myself and to believe that I do want him in my life. We are still living apart, and will do until we are both ready to live together. We are viewing it as a new relationship, not an extension of our previous one.

Frogger8395 · 26/04/2023 01:26

My partner says he'll never get into that state again - drinking so much that he has no idea what he's doing, he rarely drinks but won't give up altogether.

This is not the best start. Drinking does not cause cheating.

Boomshock · 26/04/2023 03:45

Just read your last thread.

Did he have unprotected sex with you in the 2 months before he told you? Did he get an STD test?

Also this is worrying.

I struggle to not bring it up everyday and I ask a lot of questions about it. So that frustrates him, I don't know how to move on and act like nothing happened, whereas I feel like he wants to continue as we were, or at least try to. He finds it hard to give me a lot of love when he's not getting it back, so he is trying but then when I don't reciprocate he can pull away again. We're going round in circles to some extent, because I need him to put a huge effort in and when I feel as though we're getting somewhere, he'll get more back.

I'm finding it hard to trust my gut, sometimes, he seems like the most kind caring person ever, and others I think he has no empathy for me. He'll give me empathy initially and understanding, but if then I don't move on, he'll switch off and get fed up.

Yeah there would come a time when you'd have to stop asking questions and try to put it behind you but it sounds like you'd only just found out about it. Is that right?

Personally I'd never be able to get past it. I could probably forgive if it was a one night stand and he was kind to me afterwards, answered my (repeated) questions and allowed me to work through it, however I KNOW I would never be able to forget and that would cause a huge amount of pain, so forgiveness or not I wouldn't be able to stay with him, the relationship would be permanently tainted and I couldn't do it.

IForgotOurSong · 26/04/2023 04:05

@Bluebells1970 my family are currently going through the same thing with my parents, affair parent did it once years ago, they were forgiven and now several years later we’ve found out they we’re doing it again a couple of years later with somebody else but this time it’s lasted 20 years taking them into old age where they’re now having to start again. It’s a cautionary tale for anyone thinking about forgiving an infidelity, I wouldn’t recommend it based on what I’ve seen.

BlastedPimples · 26/04/2023 06:39

*"I struggle to not bring it up everyday and I ask a lot of questions about it. So that frustrates him, I don't know how to move on and act like nothing happened, whereas I feel like he wants to continue as we were, or at least try to. He finds it hard to give me a lot of love when he's not getting it back, so he is trying but then when I don't reciprocate he can pull away again. We're going round in circles to some extent, because I need him to put a huge effort in and when I feel as though we're getting somewhere, he'll get more back.

I'm finding it hard to trust my gut, sometimes, he seems like the most kind caring person ever, and others I think he has no empathy for me. He'll give me empathy initially and understanding, but if then I don't move on, he'll switch off and get fed up."*

Op, if he really wanted to make things work and try very hard at it, he would not have an issue with you wanting to talk about it all the time if needs be.

He should be bending over backwards to help you through this. In whatever way you need.

He's not though, is he? He can't be arsed if he doesn't get what he wants when he wants it.

And this will be his next reason for doing it again. You didn't give him enough love.

It's really really scary when this happens. It's even scarier when it happens (again) after ten, fifteen, twenty years down the line in the relationship with more dcs.

Don't do it to yourself.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 26/04/2023 09:26

This what I and other PPs meant by commitment to helping the betrayed party.

It's not about trying to get back to how things were as quickly as possible.

It's acknowledging that things will never get back to how they were, and working together, to allow you to process all the information you need, in order to either build a new positive, healthy relationship (for both of you), or to decide that you can't.

It's not going to work if he's asking you to just squash your feelings down.

You need to be comfortable that you are making an informed decision to maintain the relationship.

That is the most important thing.

middleager · 26/04/2023 13:39

Many years ago my partner cheated.
I stupidly wanted him back, and when it didn't work out with her, I was actually grateful he returned.

The trouble was, the trust was gone. I hated him and myself. I had a 'revenge' affair as I stupidly thought this would even the score. It did not. He did not find out, and part of me wasn't bothered. It just turned me into somebody I didn't know. It ate away at me until I had zero self worth.

I was only 25 and could not get past it. So, with no kids to consider, I left. Looking back, I don't know why I stayed.

Once the trust is gone, I don't know how to rebuild it. I know your situation is different with a little one, but you must be a young woman with a lifetime ahead, so I would think long and hard, because it becomes so much harder as you and the kids get older (I'm in my 50s now) and you may have big regrets if you stay.

middleager · 26/04/2023 13:44

IForgotOurSong · 26/04/2023 04:05

@Bluebells1970 my family are currently going through the same thing with my parents, affair parent did it once years ago, they were forgiven and now several years later we’ve found out they we’re doing it again a couple of years later with somebody else but this time it’s lasted 20 years taking them into old age where they’re now having to start again. It’s a cautionary tale for anyone thinking about forgiving an infidelity, I wouldn’t recommend it based on what I’ve seen.

I agree. My mother's long term partner cheated on her in her 40s..she forgave him.
Then in her 60s and she forgave him again.
When he cheated on her in her mid 70s, he left, leaving her devastated and too old to start again (he is 15 years younger). It broke her.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/04/2023 13:48

drinking so much that he has no idea what he's doing

If he was that drunk he wouldn't have been able to get it up.

He knew what he was doing. And he's moulding you into accepting this.

I know you're trying to hang on to thing, but get real and accept that the relationship is over and he needs to go. You will never get over this.

awakeeveeynight · 26/04/2023 13:58

Yes. It's been 7 years and we now have a brilliant relationship. It took a lot of work but trust is restored.
(I think it's much more common than you think)

Original poster
BH701 · 26/04/2023 14:11

cleanbreak2022 · 25/04/2023 19:57

I'll just give my two pence worth.

My ex cheated on me, like you a one night stand. He didn't confess. He mistakenly returned one of my missed calls (which I then missed) and left me a lengthy voicemail. I had to listen to it.

I moved on with him, I never forgave, and I never forgot. I was often triggered. Watching soaps, or stories of footballers etc. He swore he wouldn't do it again, couples Counselling the whole lot.

He left me in December 21 for another woman. By this point there were two children. One being a baby. He still didn't confess the OW and I found out about her later. He again swore it was only twice. My thoughts to that are, you don't cheat twice and get caught twice.

I never wanted to hear this when I was in your position. I thought I could do it. If I could give my younger self advice it would be to go. That if you go, I know it's scary and you don't know what the future holds, but he has just shown you exactly what your future looks like if you stay.

You will spend your time doing everything in your power to build a happy life, one that he wouldn't stray from again. You will have flash backs of this ons whilst your intimate with him.
You will endure this and you will never be completely sure of him again.

He may not stray again, but that doesn't matter, because you will never believe him anyway. In your mind, he will be with someone else every time he leaves the house for a night out with his friends. Every time he tells you he has a hangover, there will be a fleeting thought....'did you?' And you will never be sure, not because of you, but because he's planted that seed of doubt. That will take root. It's no life for the long term.

If I could make my choice again, I would have walked.

Of course this is your path to walk, and I am sure I may seem bitter, only two people know a romantic relationship and that's the two people in it. I just don't believe you ever move on from it.

Thank you. I'm sorry you had to deal with it again. I do agree with everything you've said, those are my exact worries, and exactly how I feel at the moment. Was there any indication he would cheat again? We have problems we need to iron out in our relationship and are going to try counselling, but you're right the doubt will always be there.

I dont' think I'll ever trust anyone again fully, I have always had trust issues, not sure why, but I believe everyone could cheat given the right circumstances, so do I go into a new relationship or fix the one I have. I'll never trust anyway.

I don't know what building trust looks like to me, I'm not sure how he can make me feel safe. I'll never trust him going out or drinking again.

I want to make it work, but I don't know whether it's really possible

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 26/04/2023 14:11

awakeeveeynight · 26/04/2023 13:58

Yes. It's been 7 years and we now have a brilliant relationship. It took a lot of work but trust is restored.
(I think it's much more common than you think)

Really?! How did you manage to restore trust?

OP posts:
Groggygymdodger · 26/04/2023 14:14

Do you really believe what he’s telling you. About the state he was in? Because generally if you’re that drunk you aren’t shagging. You’re passing out somewhere. For me I’d think he was lying. So for that reason, I’d be out.

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 26/04/2023 14:19

I'm sorry you're in that position, OP - and with such a young child. You have all my sympathy.

I couldn't, but I was in a different position to you and it wasn't a one-night stand. I'm not sure what I would do in your scenario - as a PP said, you don't know how you'll react till you're faced with it. Some people can move past it, some can't.

Are you in a position to have some counselling by yourself to get your head straight? I'd imagine that couples counselling would also be really important if you decide to give it a go.

Original poster
BH701 · 26/04/2023 14:19

Boomshock · 26/04/2023 03:45

Just read your last thread.

Did he have unprotected sex with you in the 2 months before he told you? Did he get an STD test?

Also this is worrying.

I struggle to not bring it up everyday and I ask a lot of questions about it. So that frustrates him, I don't know how to move on and act like nothing happened, whereas I feel like he wants to continue as we were, or at least try to. He finds it hard to give me a lot of love when he's not getting it back, so he is trying but then when I don't reciprocate he can pull away again. We're going round in circles to some extent, because I need him to put a huge effort in and when I feel as though we're getting somewhere, he'll get more back.

I'm finding it hard to trust my gut, sometimes, he seems like the most kind caring person ever, and others I think he has no empathy for me. He'll give me empathy initially and understanding, but if then I don't move on, he'll switch off and get fed up.

Yeah there would come a time when you'd have to stop asking questions and try to put it behind you but it sounds like you'd only just found out about it. Is that right?

Personally I'd never be able to get past it. I could probably forgive if it was a one night stand and he was kind to me afterwards, answered my (repeated) questions and allowed me to work through it, however I KNOW I would never be able to forget and that would cause a huge amount of pain, so forgiveness or not I wouldn't be able to stay with him, the relationship would be permanently tainted and I couldn't do it.

Yes it was only a month ago really I found out, so still fresh. His view is I ask the same questions, and get the same answers and it causes us to argue, so how is that helping us. Which I understand, but I don't know how I can move forward, and yes the pain and torment might just become too much

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 26/04/2023 14:21

Groggygymdodger · 26/04/2023 14:14

Do you really believe what he’s telling you. About the state he was in? Because generally if you’re that drunk you aren’t shagging. You’re passing out somewhere. For me I’d think he was lying. So for that reason, I’d be out.

I don't know, but I'll never find out the truth I guess!

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 26/04/2023 14:21

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 26/04/2023 14:19

I'm sorry you're in that position, OP - and with such a young child. You have all my sympathy.

I couldn't, but I was in a different position to you and it wasn't a one-night stand. I'm not sure what I would do in your scenario - as a PP said, you don't know how you'll react till you're faced with it. Some people can move past it, some can't.

Are you in a position to have some counselling by yourself to get your head straight? I'd imagine that couples counselling would also be really important if you decide to give it a go.

Yes, I am doing counselling and we're going to try couples counselling. It'll either make or break us I think, which is positive

OP posts:
Original poster
BH701 · 26/04/2023 14:22

middleager · 26/04/2023 13:44

I agree. My mother's long term partner cheated on her in her 40s..she forgave him.
Then in her 60s and she forgave him again.
When he cheated on her in her mid 70s, he left, leaving her devastated and too old to start again (he is 15 years younger). It broke her.

Show quote history

That's awful to hear, there's definitely more negative stories than positive and perhaps I'm kidding myself that this will ever work

OP posts: