Has anyone forgiven cheating & relationship has worked out?

[BH701]

HI

I've posted before about my partner cheating previously - drunken one night stand, swears it was a mistake.

But I wanted to ask if anyone has forgiven a partner who's cheated and whether the relationship has worked? Can you rebuild trust & how do you even go about doing that?

@SedentaryCat similar situation with me. 6 years later it's an unmentionable subject- I stayed and I do care about him and like him but I've never felt 100% the same- it kind of snuffed a candle out. I stayed for many practical reasons and I think underneath he knows that too. He was the most unlikely person to be disloyal too . If he was a bit of a player I would have been off- but he isn't remotely and I am pretty sure it was a one off period in his life when he wasn't mentally in great shape (his mum was terminally ill). I don't think he can stand the fact too that I now see him in a rather dimmer light. (Although I try not to let it show)

For me the question isn't so much "could you forgive" as "why would you bother trying to forgive?"

It's slightly flippant because I know there's often a lot at stake with children, mortgages etc so it's not always as straightforward as upping and leaving.

But I genuinely can't see why you would want to get to a place of forgiveness with someone who has cheated on you. What is the point?

I would never respect anyone who could do that to me again, no matter how much soul-searching, therapy, eating of humble pie they did. It's too late to come back and say "I've fucked up, forgive me". Well, no actually. Why should I? Why will remaining with someone who doesn't respect me be better than being on my own? It won't.

I dare say there are people who get to a place where enough time has elapsed that they just cease to care and tolerate the person who cheated on them and can be described as having "forgiven". And a PP said cheating had made their relationship more "mature". But again, why? What does a "mature" cheat bring to your life that you can't give yourself? Where is the virtue or the benefit in sucking up loads of someone else's dysfunctional behaviour?

Just no.

@Thepeopleversuswork On my case I found out a lot of years (about 11) after the time in question and can't prove it was anymore than emotional and a ginormous crush (he wrote it all down and I found it all). If I had found it at the time it was happening , I would have undoubtedly left through sheer disrespect and taking me for an idiot.

yeah that's more understandable. And clearly if there's a marriage and children etc the "burden of proof" has to be higher. to justify the disruption. I get it.

But fundamentally I know I could never get to a place where I would feel affection or trust ever again for someone who would do that for me so I'd be lying to myself.

I'm sorry that happened to you, it's shit.

@Thepeopleversuswork I feel like people call it maturity every time there is questionable behaviour to let slide...its like doubling down on a decision when deep down you know some people see you as a fool you can be taken for granted

mature people don't need to royally fuck up to "realise what that have", mature relationships don't have disloyalty and can communicate and do all those important things before one of the parties exchanges bodily fluids and/or steamy messages with someone else

@PaintedEgg

Totally. It's partly the sunk costs fallacy and no doubt partly also that extricating yourself from a marriage and separating children from the other parent is traumatic and not to be taken lightly. So I do understand why people are incentivised to forgive.

But I do think painting it as a "new maturity" or "moving into a new phase" is post-hoc self delusion.

What's the point of being with someone you've pragmatic decision to tolerate through gritted teeth even though they basically shat on you? Do it if you have to for financial reasons or otherwise but at least own the fact that it's a compromise and don't try to pretend it's somehow improved your relationship.

@Thepeopleversuswork and what grinds my gears even more is when maturity is used as an argument to convince people to forgive. "Be a bigger person" or "grow on this experience".

When I was going through my divorce I had a whole long list of reasons to leave my ex (six long paragraphs on my divorce papers and only stopped because there was word limit) - and I've had people suggesting I should try couple therapy and of course that I should be mature and level-headed and basically forgive all fuckery this person did on regular basis. Even his friends were messaging me trying to get me to take the "mature approach". Still makes my blood boil to think about it.

Here to throw my hat in the ring and offer another perspective from my own experience.

I forgave a cheater in my younger years (mid-late 20s). We were together for a few years before the cheating, and then stayed together for a few years after the cheating, but eventually broke up over other things.

I think the problem was that - besides from the cheating - the man was generally a low-key twat. I didn't realise at the time, although none of my friends liked him (red flag): the cheating was just one symptom of his general twattyness.

He apologised for cheating and seemed genuinely sorry, but had 'excuses' like feeling low, depressed etc (we were in a long distance relationship and he was long-term unemployed when the cheating happened, and I found out by chance a couple of years after the cheating incident). However, those same issues of being 'low' and 'depressed' led to other twatty behaviour towards me at a later date - for example, belittling me, constant criticism, saying I was ugly etc.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even though the cheating stopped, him being a twat continued. Ultimately, I think he cheated because he wasn't happy/ ready to be in a committed relationship... (whatever reason), and that's why I should have ended things as soon as I found out about the cheating: he wasn't that into me/committed to a monogamous relationship, and was a liar. Rather than, for example, trying to work on his issues of low mood, depression and forgiving 'a mistake'. Luckily we had no children/mortgage, so that didn't come into the equation. I did love him deeply though, and he was my world.

If you can help it and have a choice, why waste anymore time with a cheat (or a twat, abuser, fuck boy, alcoholic, sex addict, narcissistic, sociopath... whatever negative adjective) once you realise they are disfunctional. Life is too short and they will bring you down again, even if not by cheating, because they don't deal with issues like an adult. They deal with issues by [negative verb - drinking, lashing out, lying, shutting down, criticising others, blaming others etc.].

This is separate to the trust/ will he cheat again/ has he cheated before issue.

In my experience, when his friends and family get involved, it's simply because they are selfish arseholes who are sick of seeing him moping around, can't be arsed dealing with checking up on him etc so instead they put pressure on the one who dumped him to take him back so he can go back to being her problem again.

I could probably forgive a drunken one night stand but probably not a long term affair. Obviously very difficult though

@Boomshock probably, at that stage I was in a mindset of not explaining myself anymore and if it was someone I was friends with I politely told them I was long past the point of wanting to even talk to him. If I was not friends with the person, I've told them to f-off and blocked them on a spot 😂

@Orangeradiorabbit - good point...cheating is often one of many facets of someone being a twat. Good people don't lie and hurts others

I've been on here before, dh had an affair 16 years ago, he immediately put his effort 100% into our marriage and we have been really happy, I'd have even said what we had was perfect, that is until 5 weeks ago when he started an emotional affair with someone 20 years younger than me. I knew something was up and confronted him last night. Apparently he loves this one and he has left me. I've seen him through operations, bouts of quite serious mental health issues, I've been constant and loving, I hit menopause 12m ago and he's left me. I think that says a lot about his moral compass. I wish we'd split up 16 years ago, I'd have rebuilt my life by now.

The funny thing is, he has said it hasn't been sexual yet and I believe him, she'll dump his ass as soon as she realises he's impotent and quite dramatically so. She'll be 36 with a 52 year old who can't shag her and needs a hip replacement and adult kids who refuse to see her. I'll laugh my tits off.

@twoaffairs I would feel exactly the same as you.

I'm pretty devastated right now, I can't stop crying. He's broken my heart and I'm mourning what I thought was a wonderful marriage and feeling pretty stupid. He was deeply in love with me until 5w ago, but he's got a very fragile ego and is pretty vain, the fact she's 36 with no kids has totally had a big impact on him. Mid life crisis at its finest.

@twoaffairs it's probably little comfort in the situation, but his big ego will shatter into thousand pieces once this woman realises what bargain she got herself - an impotent cheater in his 50s with package deal of resentful children and a prospect of hip surgery plus recovery

My ds is furious and is currently refusing to speak to him, I thought he was going to hit his father last night, but he stopped himself. He lives with us, so there's no hiding it from him. He's a great guy and is looking after me. I won't see DD until 9pm, I'm dreading telling her.

I'm sorry, I'm hogging the thread, my mind is all over the place.

@twoaffairs please don't feel bad about it- my H was away working at the point I found out and it's a good job he was or at that point I would willingly have punched him extremely hard - and I'm a very mild mannered person

Why do those on this thread who have chosen not to try and work things through have to sound so sneering and condescending towards those of us who choose to try?

I don't know if my marriage is salvageable, but I do know I am going to do my best, knowing I can end it any time if I choose to. No, it is not sunk cost or financially driven. I have a very high salary of my own and would probably end up better off on my own. Knowing that allowed me to separate my emotions about it from financial concerns and decide what I actually wanted. I know my worth, I also know it has taken more strength for me to stay than to walk away.

We all have different paths and just because mine doesn't match how you would choose to respond doesn't make either wrong.

Your situation is why I am very anti reconciliation - I think the underlying character causes it and therefore there's a good risk theyll do similar again.

Posters on here will wax lyrical about their reconciliation, but an equal or greater number post about the same happening down the line when they forgave infidelity.

Anyway, if she has no kids she'll possibly want them and the ED would be a massive issue there too.

@FranziskaSchmidt

I don’t think anyone is “sneering”. The OP asked for examples of people getting past infidelity and a number of us have responded that in our opinion it’s neither possible nor desirable. We were invited to give our opinions and we have done.

What I would say though: you say it has taken more strength to stay than to leave but what is the point of being strong if it doesn’t serve yours or your children’s interests? Who benefits (other than your husband obviously).

I’m sure a lot of thought and agony and self discipline goes into the decision to stay and I don’t doubt people think they are doing the right thing. But ultimately surely you are just kicking the can down the road?

He's truly delusional and selfish and idiotic that he's even get involved with a 36 year childless woman - unless she's been very specific about not wanting kids - so he's treating her like crap too in a way.

Discarding you and deceiving her. Would she have gotten involved if he was up front about impotence and the implications for a sex life and reproduction. If she knows he's attached, our sympathy is obviously very minimal but nonetheless it shows his general character towards women.

Even if she stays with him and even if they managed somehow to have kids, 52 is a far from ideal age to be TTC with and having a baby with in your late 30s (by the time you would be likely to conceive). Higher risk of lots of things. And more difficulty conceiving and staying pregnant in the first place (not even getting into ED).

@SaulSobieski
Anyway, if she has no kids she'll possibly want them and the ED would be a massive issue there too.

I don't think she wants them, I assuming he'll have told her about his vasectomy. For the past 16 years every time he's heard "once a cheater, always a cheater" he's always said no way. I think he meant it wholeheartedly at the time, but only because it suited him at the time.

I also think that a man is much less attractive to an ow when he leaves his comfortable, affluent looking setup - that is the result of two salaries, or one and a half, often savings, often inheritances etc over years ... And has to set up on his own temporarily and then with half (if lucky) of what he had before/; he looks way less affluent and "adult"; young OW never seem to think about that.

Yes had a vasectomy too! The longer those go not reversed, the lower the likelihood of a successful reversal.

Maybe he has ... But equally make he hasn't. He's a liar to his life partner, so why would be be honest to a new flame.

It's an unusual woman who doesn't want kids. They exist obviously but tend to very much be the minority.

@SaulSobieski he looks affluent as I'm a much higher earner than him. I think I'll buy him out of the house, he'll have to get himself a flat or live in the caravan on his mums drive 🤣